Kairos Love

2994 Words 12 Pages
I almost didn’t go on Kairos. I signed up because I felt like I should, but my heart wasn’t in it. It’s hard for me to describe was was going through my head last year, much less the last week of the year. When I reflect on those difficult times and consider who I am today, I think I would be most qualified to speak on Holiness because since Kairos I have learned that I am a valuable human being worthy of God’s love and capable of passing that love on.
I had been thinking about throwing up for pretty much all of high school. I don’t think that I could give any specific details about the first time I tried, at the time it just didn’t feel significant. To ease your minds, I tried a very small fraction of the amount of times I thought of it and
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It was then that something dawned on me; what I was doing was unfair to God. Months later I can put this into different words. God sent His only Son to die for my sins, to redeem me, and He did not make a mistake. God wouldn’t redeem me if there wasn’t something worth redemption. I told myself I wouldn’t throw up again and I haven’t.
That day made me want to try in my life again, I was sick of spiraling. The problem was that I didn’t know how to try again. I started praying about it and by the time the weekend ended, I thought I had a pretty good relationship with God. I started praying regularly, for a long time that was about it. I started to wonder what was blocking me from forming a stronger relationship with God.
One day I asked myself the question, “Is it possible to have a good relationship with God and still hate myself?” I determined that due to low self esteem and guilt from past mistakes, I was still pretending to be something I wasn’t because I didn’t value the person I am. I was trying to be a disciple of Christ when it suited me and a “likeable” person when that suited me. I was trying to just look good on paper instead of really being good. I began to wonder how I might fix this but didn’t find any answers for a long time. Time went on and the drive to improve my relationship with God slowly began
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I go to Mass on Sundays then try to go at least two more times during the week. On days where I don’t go, I read and reflect on the daily readings during my nightly prayer. I find myself praying and talking to God throughout the day as well as being much more attuned to His presence around me. I hear Him communicating with me in what other people say and random thoughts that sometimes enter my mind. I’m much more open about my faith as well. I’m more willing to talk about it with family and friends and sometimes ask my friends to come to Mass with me.
Even with all the blessings that come with a relationship with God, I still struggle at times to do the right thing. After I drove home drunk from that party, I decided in my guilt to stay away from parties. However, it’s a lot easier to tell yourself that the day after. I will be honest in admitting that I did slip up once this summer. The day after, I again found myself asking whether or not it was right for me to apply. Then I thought, the only thing I can do is be honest. I haven’t been a perfect person, I wouldn’t be a perfect leader, but I have to continue to

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