PAST PRESENCE is a dramatic, character driven story that explores the fascinating idea of past lives. The idea of past lives makes for a solid hook. The script also examines the moral question about whether man should explore the past. The script sends a message about learning to live in the present.
While the premise has merit, the script would benefit from further development in the areas of: structure, pace, and tension, as well as character development.
First, the opening sets the tone with the superimposed text and the montage of the “past” and “present.” It also establishes a bit of a mystery and suspense about what Emerson is doing on the rowboat.
As the first act continues, unfortunately, the pace becomes sluggish. The audience …show more content…
Otherwise, there’s not enough compelling suspense or tension to sustain the plot. Tension is what drives a story, and thus, this needs to be enhanced. Find ways to elevate the tension. If the protagonist needs some information from the past to fix something in the present, then that sets a goal and it creates organic tension. Anticipation can be generated. Also, the higher the stakes, the more tension created. One way to create strong tension is to create a “ticking clock” tension. This involves creating a deadline for the protagonist to achieve their goal.
There’s a subplot involving Emerson and Alexine. Continue to develop this. There’s a need for stronger sexual chemistry between them. There’s also a need to really explore his relationship with his wife.
The Jake and Alicia subplot takes up too much time in the first act. The camping trip digresses from the real storyline.
The subplot involving Davis and his agenda to destroy the machine also requires more development. The idea about Davis using the machine in the past, and that his experience motivates his action in the present, has to be further developed. Unfortunately, the reveal about Davis has no emotional impact on the audience. His motivation is unrelated to Emerson and has no real consequences for Emerson. Davis’ action impacts Edgar and his work. That’s why the true protagonist has to be …show more content…
Emerson’s wife also has more room to be developed.
The dialogue feels natural and is congruent to each character. Both Emerson and Edgar sound very intellectual. However, Edgar’s dialogue on page 32 (which is incorrectly formatted) is challenging to follow.
The professional presentation can be polished. There’s some incorrect formatting. Moreover, there are missing scene headings, making it more difficult to read. Every time a character goes to a new location, remember to make a new scene heading. For example, when they enter the lab that would require a new heading. Also, on page 10, Alicia is misspelled in the character heading.
To summarize, the concept of past lives has merit. Using this concept to create a story has potential, but: clearly identify the protagonist, his/her goal, the action they take to achieve that goal, the stakes, and remember to explore the inner conflict of the main character. They normally have to resolve their inner struggle before they can achieve their external goal. Find ways to elevate the stakes and continue to work on character development, as well as the relationship between the
While the premise has merit, the script would benefit from further development in the areas of: structure, pace, and tension, as well as character development.
First, the opening sets the tone with the superimposed text and the montage of the “past” and “present.” It also establishes a bit of a mystery and suspense about what Emerson is doing on the rowboat.
As the first act continues, unfortunately, the pace becomes sluggish. The audience …show more content…
Otherwise, there’s not enough compelling suspense or tension to sustain the plot. Tension is what drives a story, and thus, this needs to be enhanced. Find ways to elevate the tension. If the protagonist needs some information from the past to fix something in the present, then that sets a goal and it creates organic tension. Anticipation can be generated. Also, the higher the stakes, the more tension created. One way to create strong tension is to create a “ticking clock” tension. This involves creating a deadline for the protagonist to achieve their goal.
There’s a subplot involving Emerson and Alexine. Continue to develop this. There’s a need for stronger sexual chemistry between them. There’s also a need to really explore his relationship with his wife.
The Jake and Alicia subplot takes up too much time in the first act. The camping trip digresses from the real storyline.
The subplot involving Davis and his agenda to destroy the machine also requires more development. The idea about Davis using the machine in the past, and that his experience motivates his action in the present, has to be further developed. Unfortunately, the reveal about Davis has no emotional impact on the audience. His motivation is unrelated to Emerson and has no real consequences for Emerson. Davis’ action impacts Edgar and his work. That’s why the true protagonist has to be …show more content…
Emerson’s wife also has more room to be developed.
The dialogue feels natural and is congruent to each character. Both Emerson and Edgar sound very intellectual. However, Edgar’s dialogue on page 32 (which is incorrectly formatted) is challenging to follow.
The professional presentation can be polished. There’s some incorrect formatting. Moreover, there are missing scene headings, making it more difficult to read. Every time a character goes to a new location, remember to make a new scene heading. For example, when they enter the lab that would require a new heading. Also, on page 10, Alicia is misspelled in the character heading.
To summarize, the concept of past lives has merit. Using this concept to create a story has potential, but: clearly identify the protagonist, his/her goal, the action they take to achieve that goal, the stakes, and remember to explore the inner conflict of the main character. They normally have to resolve their inner struggle before they can achieve their external goal. Find ways to elevate the stakes and continue to work on character development, as well as the relationship between the