LOGLINE
When an accountant is convicted of a white collar crime, he gets a first-hand look at life on the inside and discovers a whole new and absurd world of orange collar crime.
SYNOPSIS
When accountant, David Barnes is convicted of tax evasion, his pseudo lawyer, Louis Fishbein, isn’t able to get him off. David is sentenced to prison at Fort Dicks and has to leave his girl friend, Judy, behind.
Barnes is sent to Fort Dicks, a felony “camp” for white-collar crimes. There he meets a cast of color inmates and learning about the rules of the prison. The prison staff spends their time out-conning each other.
After learning a lesson, David is eventually released. Judy and his attorney Fishbein picks him up, but the warden recognizes Fishbein’s name. Fishbein is arrested for fraud. His new home is Fort Dicks.
STORY COMMENTS
FORT DICKS presents as a musical …show more content…
Perhaps change her name. Using the name “Cutthroat” might be considered too cute.
Continue to work on crafting dialogue. Dialogue should reveal information about character and reflect their motivation and values. For the most part, dialogue does not enhance our understanding of Barnes or provide us with insight to his growth.
Some of the dialogue is considered on the nose with very little subtext. Sometimes it’s very formal. Most real people don’t talk in full, formal sentences (page 6). Judy is a bit overly melodramatic at times (page 9). The quip on page 19 about the long “schvantzschtooker” sounds offensive (asking if he’s black).
Tension is another area to review. Tension needs to be enhanced. By making the central characters (Barnes and Fishbein) more demonstrative and less static, you will draw us in to their private worlds and fears. To create tension, there needs to be a strong goal that the protagonist tries to achieve. Tension is created by his attempts to achieve this goal, but
When an accountant is convicted of a white collar crime, he gets a first-hand look at life on the inside and discovers a whole new and absurd world of orange collar crime.
SYNOPSIS
When accountant, David Barnes is convicted of tax evasion, his pseudo lawyer, Louis Fishbein, isn’t able to get him off. David is sentenced to prison at Fort Dicks and has to leave his girl friend, Judy, behind.
Barnes is sent to Fort Dicks, a felony “camp” for white-collar crimes. There he meets a cast of color inmates and learning about the rules of the prison. The prison staff spends their time out-conning each other.
After learning a lesson, David is eventually released. Judy and his attorney Fishbein picks him up, but the warden recognizes Fishbein’s name. Fishbein is arrested for fraud. His new home is Fort Dicks.
STORY COMMENTS
FORT DICKS presents as a musical …show more content…
Perhaps change her name. Using the name “Cutthroat” might be considered too cute.
Continue to work on crafting dialogue. Dialogue should reveal information about character and reflect their motivation and values. For the most part, dialogue does not enhance our understanding of Barnes or provide us with insight to his growth.
Some of the dialogue is considered on the nose with very little subtext. Sometimes it’s very formal. Most real people don’t talk in full, formal sentences (page 6). Judy is a bit overly melodramatic at times (page 9). The quip on page 19 about the long “schvantzschtooker” sounds offensive (asking if he’s black).
Tension is another area to review. Tension needs to be enhanced. By making the central characters (Barnes and Fishbein) more demonstrative and less static, you will draw us in to their private worlds and fears. To create tension, there needs to be a strong goal that the protagonist tries to achieve. Tension is created by his attempts to achieve this goal, but