Narrative Essay : How Your Dad Can Not Have Any Stray Sentences

747 Words Sep 16th, 2016 3 Pages
2. The story you wrote talks about how important your dad is to you. His death is very important to you and changes your life. Although I am able to come to this conclusion after reading the entire story, I am unable to point to a specific sentence that states this. I would add a sentence that clearly summarizes this idea as your thesis statement.
3. This essay is organized like the narrative essays discussed in class.
4. The introductory paragraph is interesting. I would suggest adding more descriptive words on how you felt at the time.
5. The essay does not have any stray sentences. The paper stays on topic throughout the story. I cannot technically say that it follows the thesis since I have trouble pinpointing the location of the thesis.
6. I believe you should add a little more descriptive words in the second paragraph. I want to know more about how you felt when your mom left and how important it is to you that your dad was able to take care of you without help. You have dialogue in the first paragraph and it does a great job at enhancing the essay.
7. The story is mostly in past tense with exception to the concluding paragraph. The events are placed in the correct order and the correct paragraphs. I do not see any reason to relocate any sentences. I see a sufficient number of transitional phrases.
8. Most of the sentences in the essay are short. I would try to edit some existing sentences into complex sentences when revising the essay. The sentences flow together,…

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