Argument Essay: In-Class Resources

859 Words 4 Pages
I like this because you have made use of different in-class resources and outside resources in order to prove your stance on this argument essay. One more reason that makes me like your essay is that you wrote a nice closing sentence in your 2nd body paragraph, which is “Thus, whenever they want to buy something, they always think about their favorite company first.”
Base 1: Unity
1. Is there a clearly stated thesis in the introductory paragraph?
Yes, there is.
2. Do all the supporting paragraphs back up the thesis?
Yes, most of the paragraphs back up the thesis statement.
Your comments: There are two “because” words used in the thesis statement. I would suggest that you should consider to omitting one of these two words in order to give
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Are there any mistakes in grammar, punctuation, or usage?
Yes, there are a few grammar mistakes.
1st paragraph:
“Because of the surveillance of…, they both impacts each other.” => You might consider correcting the verb “impacts” because the subject of your sentence is a plural pronoun “they”.
“The surveillance of consumers by retail anthropologist is …” => I would suggest that you might change the word to the plural form because there are many retail anthropologists, not just one person.
2nd paragraph:
“For instance, retail business uses that system …. because they want to know …. to put more on the shelves.” => I suggest that you might rethink about the pronoun “they” because in the first clause you are using “retail business” in its singular form. Therefore the pronoun should be subject to its antecedent.
5th paragraph:
“Because of these good purposes; therefore the government should … by retail anthropologist.” => “therefore” should have a comma afterward
Any other comments: I enjoy reading your writing because you have given some good supporting details in order to prove your stance. There are some parts that you might consider to improve them because they would result in your best final argument essay. Good luck on your final

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