Her stomach had gone numb in the past few days, but now a sharp pain awakens and gnaws her insides. She presses her hands firmly into her stomach. Her mind wanders back to the cans of fatty ham and sweet baked beans that Grandpa Joseph gave them when they knocked on his doors begging for food, to the sensation of a full stomach right after they stuffed themselves. That memory feels like a lifetime ago, when a mere two days without eating had them crying from hunger. She waits till the wave of pain subsides, then scoops out the brown, lean meat to cut small slices from it on a dirty plate. Timmy grabs the meat eagerly, hissing at the heat but stuffing slices in his mouth with barely any hesitation. “Thank you,” he mumbles through a mouthful, and swallows as soon as he can, reaching out for more. Relief floods her as Timmy eats piece after piece without complaint, and she tentatively picks up a slice herself by the tips of her two fingers. The back of her throat convulses when the meat makes contact with her lips, but she manages to open her mouth and nibble on its edge. It tastes a little bloody, and her mind screams for her to spit out the piece while her stomach roars for more. She stares at the stains on her wall and puts the entire slice into her mouth, swallowing it like a large …show more content…
What has happened? How dire are things? Use for tension
Who is this woman? Why does she care about Timmy?
Think about rising action… You’ve got the climax, but put “the bear in the closet.”
Make it more plausible
Make the background blatantly obvious in the first page
Where the meat came from is not obvious enough
Too much work for the reader, make everything more obvious
Too ambitious with the placing of the hints and only revealing at the end. Result is that if it doesn’t work, it completely fails.
Should I make everything obvious? Making everything obvious completely defeats the purpose of the piece :( discuss this issue with Mr. Myers. Or, what issues should I make more obvious? Probably things like background, MC’s relationship with Timmy, Timmy’s background. But what about the issue of where the meat came from?
Is there enough tension in the rising action? How do I make there be more tension?
Do I actually need a name for MC?
What do the boxes mean?
What exactly do I need to make more plausible? MC killing Joseph or Timmy going to Joseph’s house?
Is the bear in the closet enough now?
Is the situation dire enough? Are the descriptions apocalyptic enough?
What overarching issues need