21 YEARS DECEIVED is an erotic thriller. The script offers forbidden love, deception, betrayal, and redemption. The story follows the sexual odyssey of an unhappily married woman and her journey of self-discovery. Her goal is more internal than external. The stakes feel personal.
The tone is seductive and beguiling. This is very appealing. There’s an ominous feeling that something tragic is going to happen. This creates some nice anticipation and tension.
The concept definitely has merit. However, unfortunately, the structure hinders the storyline. The plot is overly ambitious and tries to tell too many subplots. This becomes confusing and dilutes the overall plot. This includes the Mark/Amy story, the Mark/Ronnie/Lynn/Sherrie story, the …show more content…
Although, it doesn’t feel realistic that the women would be asking Jeremy all these personal questions at the dinner party. Avoid Amy talking to herself (page 4). It’s challenging to believe that Sherrie heard a “rumor” about Amy inviting Jeremy.
The overall tension is subtle. While the tone is alluring and there’s a sense that something is going to happen, find ways to elevate the tension building towards the climax. The rough sex gives off an interesting tone and works. Try to convince the audience that the rough sex might spiral out of control and become dangerous to Amy (red herring). However, because there are too many characters and affairs, this part of the story with Jet and Amy gets lost and is fragmented. Maybe Amy should just embark on ONE affair and that affair intensifies in its danger.
Some scenes are not visually clear, like the photo of the “cocksucking.” The wording confuses the audience regarding what’s going one.
Avoid explaining thoughts and be more visual. During her dream she’s angry and resentful – this has to be visual. Cut the “eww” face. On page 2, the audience can’t see a terrifying thought.
On page 51, the wrong format is used: “He’s surprised” is an action not
The tone is seductive and beguiling. This is very appealing. There’s an ominous feeling that something tragic is going to happen. This creates some nice anticipation and tension.
The concept definitely has merit. However, unfortunately, the structure hinders the storyline. The plot is overly ambitious and tries to tell too many subplots. This becomes confusing and dilutes the overall plot. This includes the Mark/Amy story, the Mark/Ronnie/Lynn/Sherrie story, the …show more content…
Although, it doesn’t feel realistic that the women would be asking Jeremy all these personal questions at the dinner party. Avoid Amy talking to herself (page 4). It’s challenging to believe that Sherrie heard a “rumor” about Amy inviting Jeremy.
The overall tension is subtle. While the tone is alluring and there’s a sense that something is going to happen, find ways to elevate the tension building towards the climax. The rough sex gives off an interesting tone and works. Try to convince the audience that the rough sex might spiral out of control and become dangerous to Amy (red herring). However, because there are too many characters and affairs, this part of the story with Jet and Amy gets lost and is fragmented. Maybe Amy should just embark on ONE affair and that affair intensifies in its danger.
Some scenes are not visually clear, like the photo of the “cocksucking.” The wording confuses the audience regarding what’s going one.
Avoid explaining thoughts and be more visual. During her dream she’s angry and resentful – this has to be visual. Cut the “eww” face. On page 2, the audience can’t see a terrifying thought.
On page 51, the wrong format is used: “He’s surprised” is an action not