A Hateful Experience: A Personal Analysis

805 Words 4 Pages
I am becoming more depressed as each day passed by swiftly knowing that I will soon be back to resume my monotonous college life. The usual complaints mainly on studies, intense homework and a mountain work load of assignments is normal to be heard from every students as the end of the holidays approaches, but what I hate is to accept the fact I will be facing people.

Being in college has forced me to intensify this hateful emotion on the experience of being outcasted. I loath myself of not able to get into a "group" where it seem that everyone has already found their circle of friends. Honestly, I rarely feel this way back in high school because everyone was open to each other. In my college, or particularly in my programme, there are the "Malay Gang", the "Sarawakian Gang" and the superior "Chinese Gang", those are the-quite-obvious-formed groups in my perspective. So, where am I belong to? Well, I am not belong neither in these groups due to, primarily, I do not understand the Chinese Language. Secondly, I am unable to
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I feel I am not good for anyone else. Everyone is so much better and smarter than me. Moreover, I am socially awkward as fuck and I fear people might have criticism on me that I am helplessly weird and forlorn, and personally, they are undeniably right. But I feel embarrassed and hate of being lonely - I fear to be criticised. Well, it is obvious that I am severely an introvert which explains why I have trouble dealing or befriending with strangers comparatively to normal people. I do not even know where to begin with on how to explain the complexity of being an introvert. And surprisingly I do not even want or choose to be one! But every time I try to approach people that I am not close to, there is this inner feeling that holds up every gesture and motive that I am trying to pursue towards them and it will undoubtedly turn into a chaos -

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