One of the greatest delusions I had about motherhood was that I, alone, was the superhero of women who would somehow be exempt from the discomforts that come with pregnancy.
One of the greatest delusions I had about motherhood was that I, alone, was the superhero of women who would somehow be exempt from the discomforts that come with pregnancy. After all, I could party like Tony Stark and had the immune system of Wolverine. I could function on minimal sleep and still wake up eager to be a team player, ready to conquer the world. If supreme physical fitness and unwavering discipline weren’t required, I was basically a Navy Seal with boobs.
Hoo-yah.
How hard could pregnancy be? I have never been a small girl, so for me it was just going to …show more content…
I’ll wait.
The reality of pregnancy
My unborn child also thought it was hilarious and decided to give me a swift kick in the ass to show me who’s boss. I learned early on, I was merely a vessel holding the new master of my universe, and my arrogance would not be tolerated. Pregnancy for me turned into always looking like I needed a stiff drink, without actually being able to have one.
Morning sickness conquered me early and often, lasting nearly six grueling months. Not one to walk the Boulevard of Broken Dreams, I tried to find a silver lining between puke sessions. For instance, did you know that giving up happy hour, eating better, and nearly vomiting all over your husband every ten minutes is a very inexpensive weight loss program? For the minor cost of being responsible for a priceless human life and enduring chronic exhaustion and nausea, you too can lose weight! What a bargain.
Never one to be subtle in announcing my accomplishments, the hallway leading to the scale in my OBGYN’s office became my personal Fashion Week runway where I constantly announced my ongoing weight loss. I would make the nurse check last visit’s weight to compare it to my current, lower, weight before I saddled up in exam table stirrups. I envisioned going into labor with washboard
One of the greatest delusions I had about motherhood was that I, alone, was the superhero of women who would somehow be exempt from the discomforts that come with pregnancy. After all, I could party like Tony Stark and had the immune system of Wolverine. I could function on minimal sleep and still wake up eager to be a team player, ready to conquer the world. If supreme physical fitness and unwavering discipline weren’t required, I was basically a Navy Seal with boobs.
Hoo-yah.
How hard could pregnancy be? I have never been a small girl, so for me it was just going to …show more content…
I’ll wait.
The reality of pregnancy
My unborn child also thought it was hilarious and decided to give me a swift kick in the ass to show me who’s boss. I learned early on, I was merely a vessel holding the new master of my universe, and my arrogance would not be tolerated. Pregnancy for me turned into always looking like I needed a stiff drink, without actually being able to have one.
Morning sickness conquered me early and often, lasting nearly six grueling months. Not one to walk the Boulevard of Broken Dreams, I tried to find a silver lining between puke sessions. For instance, did you know that giving up happy hour, eating better, and nearly vomiting all over your husband every ten minutes is a very inexpensive weight loss program? For the minor cost of being responsible for a priceless human life and enduring chronic exhaustion and nausea, you too can lose weight! What a bargain.
Never one to be subtle in announcing my accomplishments, the hallway leading to the scale in my OBGYN’s office became my personal Fashion Week runway where I constantly announced my ongoing weight loss. I would make the nurse check last visit’s weight to compare it to my current, lower, weight before I saddled up in exam table stirrups. I envisioned going into labor with washboard