I Dont Know What It Means To Love

1043 Words 4 Pages
Now, I don 't know what it is to feel. I dont know what it means to be there for someone and mean it. No one ever has been for me. I’m not sure it would even be worth it, to care for someone unconditionally.
What is it like? To trust? I haven 't trusted in a while. No one has given me a reason to. All they do is spread their lies, their rumors. They say they will stay, but don 't fight when I ultimately push them away.
Why? Why am I not good enough? I give my all, yet feel it 's for nothing.
That’s what you did to me. You made me feel the worst pain I’ve ever felt, and now, I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. No excitement, no misery, no fear, no happiness. Just my fakeness.
And I can’t let you go. I’ve tried, but nothing is left except for
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My dreams are the only place I feel the memories of emotion, can hope for a brighter future.
It’s been nine months now. Nine months to the day. The day we celebrated. A week away from the ultimate break. The break that broke me. Why haven’t I moved on? Why can’t I forgive and
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At the same time, I’ve lost myself. I am no longer easy to amuse; I don’t remember the last time I laughed or truly enjoyed a conversation. I no longer dance in the rain or stick my tongue out to taste the falling snow. I can’t bring myself to be happy. Why should I?
Since you left, I read to feel, wishing I felt love like the characters do.
I’m so lucky. I have a family who will accept me no matter what. I live in a nice house and never have to worry about food, money, clothes.
Yet, I don’t appreciate any of it, of them. I push my father away; shuddering when he touches me. I can’t stand my brother; I hold myself back from beating him everyday. I don’t talk to my mom; she has no idea how I feel. I feel unmotivated to eat; even when my stomach begs for food. I haven’t finished redecorating my room; nothing feels like me anymore. I want to reinvent my style, but feel guilty about the money spent.
Why do I do this to myself? I refuse to be happy. I refuse to tiptoe toward the relationship I wish I had with my family, my friends. Instead, I close myself off, hole myself in my room, waiting for everything to end. Why won’t it

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