I Dont Know What It Means To Love
What is it like? To trust? I haven 't trusted in a while. No one has given me a reason to. All they do is spread their lies, their rumors. They say they will stay, but don 't fight when I ultimately push them away.
Why? Why am I not good enough? I give my all, yet feel it 's for nothing.
That’s what you did to me. You made me feel the worst pain I’ve ever felt, and now, I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. No excitement, no misery, no fear, no happiness. Just my fakeness.
And I can’t let you go. I’ve tried, but nothing is left except for …show more content…
My dreams are the only place I feel the memories of emotion, can hope for a brighter future.
It’s been nine months now. Nine months to the day. The day we celebrated. A week away from the ultimate break. The break that broke me. Why haven’t I moved on? Why can’t I forgive and …show more content…
At the same time, I’ve lost myself. I am no longer easy to amuse; I don’t remember the last time I laughed or truly enjoyed a conversation. I no longer dance in the rain or stick my tongue out to taste the falling snow. I can’t bring myself to be happy. Why should I?
Since you left, I read to feel, wishing I felt love like the characters do.
I’m so lucky. I have a family who will accept me no matter what. I live in a nice house and never have to worry about food, money, clothes.
Yet, I don’t appreciate any of it, of them. I push my father away; shuddering when he touches me. I can’t stand my brother; I hold myself back from beating him everyday. I don’t talk to my mom; she has no idea how I feel. I feel unmotivated to eat; even when my stomach begs for food. I haven’t finished redecorating my room; nothing feels like me anymore. I want to reinvent my style, but feel guilty about the money spent.
Why do I do this to myself? I refuse to be happy. I refuse to tiptoe toward the relationship I wish I had with my family, my friends. Instead, I close myself off, hole myself in my room, waiting for everything to end. Why won’t it