The Murder Mystery At The Murder Mystery

Front 1

Ms. Polly: What was that?

Back 1

Mr. Polk: Oh, it was nothing but a trifle of thunder, nothing to worry about.

Front 2

Maid: but why should that make the lights go out?

Back 2

Mr. Polk: Why, it’s only a surge in the ‘lectric is all.

Front 3

Mrs. Polk: Anyone else? It’s an old family recipe passed down from my great, great, grandmother who worked in the kings kitchen. Everyone says they’re to die for!

Back 3

Mr. Polk: You’re right about that, love.

Front 4

Maid: Oh, my!

Back 4

Mr. Polk: Blimey!

Front 5

Mrs. Polk: of course, he is. Mr. Black can be the most useless knob sometimes. Honestly, I don’t know why we still have him for tea.

Back 5

Mr. Polk: No. she’s absolutely right, Margaret. If I may say so, it looks as if he’s...dead.

Front 6

Gertrude: Dead?

Back 6

Mr. Polk: Yes. He’s dead all right. Entirely and completely.

Front 7

Maid: oh my!

Back 7

Mr. Polk: good old Mr. Black. The poor sap! (Pull fire poker from chest)

Front 8

Mrs. Polk: Oh, Frederick! No! Don’t do that!

Back 8

Mr Polk: why not?

Front 9

Maid: she’s right. But, if it is our fire poker, then that means someone...

Back 9

Mr. Polk: Yes. Someone.

Front 10

Mrs. Polk: How dare you say such a thing! No one in this room is capable of commiting such a horrendous act. Not against Mr. Black, our dear old friend. Just how could you suggest...and to think we invited you over for afternoon tea!

Back 10

Mr. Polk: No. she’s spot on sweetums. I think we all know that fire pokers don’t just hurl themselves into people’s chests. One of us is responsible...I mean surely, someone had to have done it......one. Of. Us. Must. Be. Responsible!

Front 11

Holly: And we’re waiting for it. What else are we supposed to do? The cue is on Richards line when he says-

Back 11

Richard: One of us is responsible. (Doorbell) There it is!

Front 12

Gertrude: Aw. But it would be so cool!

Back 12

Richard: Speaking of that, Brett May I make a suggestion...

Front 13

Brett: No.

Back 13

Richard: Well, I was just going to say that perhaps Susan could act as the backup doorbell.

Front 14

Brett: No

Back 14

Richard: You know, play a couple notes that sound like a chime.

Front 15

Susan: Sure. I could do that. (Plays)

Back 15

Richard: Er, something like that. Just in case.

Front 16

Brett: No

Back 16

Richard: That way, we wouldn’t have to worry about it.

Front 17

Brett: No.

Back 17

Richard: I mean we all know that her playing needs a little work.

Front 18

Sandy: Oh. Thanks.

Back 18

Richard: I’m only suggesting that-

Front 19

Brett: No, Richard.

Back 19

Richard: Okay, here’s another idea.

Front 20

Brett: No.

Back 20

Richard: what if Gary were to just knock at the door

Front 21

Brett: No.

Back 21

Richard: I mean he’s standing there ready to enter anyway.

Front 22

Brett: No.

Back 22

Richard: And all we need is a signal before his entrance.

Front 23

Brett: No.

Back 23

Richard: all I’m saying is that if he could just-

Front 24

Brett: No! Please tell me again, Richard, what is your role in this play, Richard?

Back 24

Richard: I’m playing Mr. Polk

Front 25

Brett: No.

Back 25

Richard: Frederick Polk?

Front 26

Brett: not what is your role, but what is your role?

Back 26

Richard: I’m...Playing...(lost)

Front 27

Brett: Right. And I’m the director. So...you do the acting and I’ll do the directing. Okay, Richard?

Back 27

Richard: But I was thinking-

Front 28

Brett: No. Don’t think. Just act. I’ll do all the thinking. Capisce?

Back 28

Richard: All right.

Front 29

Tom: Okay. Cool. Thanks. Just, uh, at least let me know if there’s a snack break.

Back 29

Mr Polk: One of us must be responsible.

Front 30

Inspector Bradshaw: Yes. as a matter of fact, I was just on my way back there when I heard the disturbance. Is everything okay here?

Back 30

Mr. Polk: No. In fact your timing is impeccable, inspector. It seems that we may have been witness to... a murder.

Front 31

Inspector Bradshaw: And your certain it was murder?

Back 31

Mr. Black: Yes, sir.

Front 32

Inspector Bradshaw: Let me see the murder weapon.

Back 32

Mr. Polk: Of course. It’s, um, right there in Mr. Blacks chest, exactly where we found it. We didn’t disturb the crime scene at all. Everyone knows you don’t disturb the scene of the crime.

Front 33

Inspector Bradshaw: Precisely.

Back 33

Mr. Polk: Very well. We can do that can’t we? Um, all of us were present you see, and, er, Margaret was just serving tea.

Front 34

Gertrude: No. They were just really good.

Back 34

Mr. Polk: And who said anything about poison anyway. Are you accusing my wife of...Murder?

Front 35

Mrs. Polly: mr. black began a conversation about billiards. Mr. Polk is a fine billiards player, so naturally Mr. black asked him about his game. He said how was your billiards game lately Mr. Polk?

Back 35

Mr. Polk: and I said, just dandy Mr. black care for a round after tea?

Front 36

Maid: i’ll just go set up the table I said, but then Mr. black said no no! Mr. Polk I’d love to take a stab at it and play a game or two but you’ve always bested me and I’m certain I’ll never defeat you.

Back 36

Mr. Polk: why is that, Mr. black? Surely you’ve improved since we last played. It’s been years!

Front 37

Maid: and then Mr. black said, no I’m afraid I haven’t at all. It seems I still haven’t quite mastered the break.

Back 37

Mr. Polk: oh pish posh! It’s nothing really. All you have to do is put a bit more English on it!

Front 38

Inspector Bradshaw: I see, I see. So you were challenging him?

Back 38

Mr. Polk: only to a friendly game of pool.

Front 39

Inspector Bradshaw: is that pool with a capital P, witch rhymes with T?

Back 39

Mr. Polk: what?

Front 40

Inspector Bradshaw: no no. Just trying to understand what happened here tonight. What was it you said to him again?

Back 40

Mr. Polk: I said all you have to do is put a bit more English on it.

Front 41

Brett: it would be if you’d stick to the script!

Back 41

Richard: we are. Everything has been exactly by the book. It’s the thunder and doorbells and blackouts that are out of place.

Front 42

Erica: Yes.

Back 42

Richard: we thought the crew was just replaying the cue from earlier when Mr. black dies.

Front 43

Brett: Gary!

Back 43

Richard: you’re clearly not getting through to him like that. Let me handle this.

Front 44

Brett: Richard, I’ve told you a thousand times, I’m the director. I am the one that handles things!

Back 44

Richard: Gary. Gary? Oh, no. This is awful! I think he might actually be...

Front 45

Susan: what?

Back 45

Richard: ...dead.

Front 46

Misty: but we open tomorrow night! Oh, this is terrible!

Back 46

Richard: but how?

Front 47

Brett: fine. I’ll...think of something else.

Back 47

Richard: in the meantime, what do we do about this?

Front 48

Mr black: how is your billiards game lately, Mr. Polk?

Back 48

Mr. Polk: just dandy Mr. black care for a round after tea?

Front 49

Mr. Black: no no! Mr. Polk, I’d love to take a stab at it and play a game or two, but you’ve always bested me and I’m certain I’ll never defeat you.

Back 49

Mr. Polk: why is that, Mr. black? Surely you’ve improved since we last played. It’s been years!

Front 50

Mr. Black: no. I’m afraid I haven’t at all. It seems I still haven’t quite mastered the break.

Back 50

Mr. Polk: oh pish posh! It’s nothing, really. All you have to do is put a bit more English on it!

Front 51

(Blackout) (then lights up)

Back 51

Richard: and when the lights came up, Mr. black was dead.

Front 52

Holly: you mean Gary.

Back 52

Richard: no. I mean...I’m so confused.

Front 53

Misty: how can this be happening? First, Gary is murdered and now an officer is killed, and Brett’s being hauled off to prison! How will we ever open?

Back 53

Richard: Don’t worry. We’re not opening after this.

Front 54

Inspector Fuller: no one’s going anywhere or doing anything until I have all the facts straight! You. Have a seat in the front row and don’t move. You all need to tell me exactly what happened just before inspector wright was killed.

Back 54

Richard: we can do more than tell you, officer. We can show you.

Front 55

Scarlet: but we’ve done this scene three times already!

Back 55

Richard: excuse us a moment. (Aside) do you want to go to jail?

Front 56

Scarlet: no.

Back 56

Richard: you’ve seen she means business. Just do the scene again like the inspector asks.

Front 57

Scarlet: fine.

Back 57

Richard: very well. Everyone’s ready.

Front 58

Scarlet: now there’s a surprise! He finally admits he doesn’t know something!

Back 58

Richard: shouldn’t we, you know, drag him into the wings or something?

Front 59

Holly: oh right. Tom!

Back 59

Richard: but he’s-

Front 60

Repeated scene just say lines

Back 60

Repeat

Front 61

Misty: how could this keep happening?

Back 61

Richard: and in exactly the same way?

Front 62

Misty: what do you mean?

Back 62

Richard: I mean...every murder is connected. They’re all inspectors. Every person killed tonight is an inspector.

Front 63

Scarlet: well...played one in the play.

Back 63

Richard: she’s right. And, each victim was murdered in the same fashion. Stabbed with a fire poker.

Front 64

Brett: how can we cut the music? Susan hasn’t been at her keyboard for any of the last three murders.

Back 64

Richard: and yet the music plays on.

Front 65

Erica: seriously, you guys? Are we seriously point fingers at Susan, the tone deaf accompanist who is doing her very best to provide us with all the cheesy mood music?

Back 65

Richard: well, who else could have done it?

Front 66

Scarlet: yeah. How on earth did we end up with four dead bodies with fire pokers in their chests?

Back 66

Richard: three. Tom’s not dead. You mean three.

Front 67

Scarlet: three dead bodies and one actor who’s playing a dead body with fire pokers in their chests?

Back 67

Richard: but no one did anything to Tom. You just mean three.

Front 68

Holly: but she’s right. We shouldn’t be the ones pointing fingers or growing suspicious of one another. Someone else needs to figure this out for us.

Back 68

Richard: then who?

Front 69

Brett: no.

Back 69

Richard: are you saying no just because I suggested it, or because you really don’t think we should?

Front 70

Brett: I’ve got it!

Back 70

Others: not Erica!

Front 71

Brett: and they always seem to be able to recognize the killer before anyone else does.

Back 71

All: who?!

Front 72

Brett: the critics! Well invite a theatre critic!

Back 72

All: Brett, can I think now cause that sounds bad.

Front 73

Brett: because the news story won’t be about how terrible our show is. The story will be about the murder that happened at the murder mystery Playhouse. After reading a story like that, everyone will want to come!

Back 73

Richard: you know, I think he’s onto something there. And you’re right Brett. Theater critics always seem to unravel the pot before anyone else does. They might actually be able to tell us why the inspectors keep dying.

Front 74

Brett: exactly.

Back 74

Richard: but what if I’m wrong? What if it’s not just the inspectors who are being murdered? What if it’s just a coincidence that they’re all cops?

Front 75

Susan: oh. I could have sworn he looked familiar.

Back 75

Richard: you’re probably just mistaking him for Tom.

Front 76

Adele: oh, but it looks as if I’ve missed a lot. I’ve already missed three characters getting the ax!

Back 76

Richard: those are fire pokers actually.

Front 77

Sandy: how is your billiards game lately, daddy?

Back 77

Mr. Polk: just dandy, er, Gertrude. Care for a round after tea?

Front 78

Gertrude: no no! I’d love to take a stab at it and play a game or two, but your voice message me daddy, and I’m certain I’ll never defeat you.

Back 78

Mr. Polk: why is that… Gertrude? Surely you’ve improved since we last played. It’s been years! Or months, I suppose

Front 79

Gertrude: no. I’m afraid I haven’t at all. It seems I still haven’t quite mastered the break.

Back 79

Mr. Polk: oh pish posh! That’s a terrible way to think about it. I mean, you really shouldn’t say that, Gertrude… My precious, dear little girl. You’re good. You’re really really good. And it’s important that you believe in yourself. I mean if anyone believes in you it should be your old man, your father, you know? I know you can do it.

Front 80

Brett: Yes

Back 80

Richard: because it seems strange to leave him lying here like this.

Front 81

Holly: get on with it.

Back 81

Mr. Polk: I mean, breaking a rack of billiard balls is nothing, really all you have to do is put a bit more English on it!

Front 82

Erica: oh. Seriously?

Back 82

Richard: huh. That was unexpected!

Front 83

Scarlet: not me.

Back 83

Richard: hmmm...you don’t think...

Front 84

Holly: it’s always weird and different with us, honey.

Back 84

Richard: well, the scene was a bit off that time around since Tom wasn’t playing Mr. black.

Front 85

Sandy: oh! A curse! So what, like, the play is cursed or something or- oh did someone say Mac-

Back 85

All: NO

Front 86

Brett: well, now we’re really cursed.

Back 86

Richard: but maybe she’s on to something. It’s possible there could be a murder in our midst, but maybe, just maybe, what we’re really experiencing is some sort of strange time loop.

Front 87

Sandy: ooh! Like in Groundhog Day?

Back 87

Richard: precisely!

Front 88

Scarlet: no Richard. You just think that were in a time loop because we keep doing the scene over and over again.

Back 88

Richard: I mean, don’t you think it’s strange that every time we replay the scene, the lights go out for no reason and someone ends up stabbed with a fire poker? What murder has access to so many fire pokers? We only have one on set at the top of the show right?

Front 89

Erica: right.

Back 89

Richard: and that ends up in Mr. Black for the rest of the play. Where are all the others coming from? And it’s not storming. It wasn’t storming when you went out, was it Susan?

Front 90

Tom: sorry. I didn’t think you’d miss me. I’ll just be over here. Don’t forget to wake me up before you all leave.

Back 90

Richard: Tom?

Front 91

Scarlet: it didn’t bother you that Tom has been lying here all this time.

Back 91

Richard: but that’s because it’s Tom, and he’s playing Mr. black, who is dead.

Front 92

Tom: yeah?

Back 92

Richard: before you drift off again, could you tell us if there is a storm outside?

Front 93

Tom: no. It’s nice out. Perfect weather for eating tacos on the side of the road!

Back 93

Richard: thank you Tom. So it isn’t storming and the lights shouldn’t be going out unless there’s a technical problem.

Front 94

Erica: there’s not. It’s been checked and double checked.

Back 94

Richard: and that awful music keeps playing from out of nowhere. Susan clearly isn’t playing it. No, I don’t think this is murder. This is something far more… Dreadful.

Front 95

Erica: inspector fuller thought Brett killed inspector right who was here to investigate the death of Gary who’s playing Inspector Bradshaw when they ended up dead themselves Brett thought we should have a Adele Sears give us her opinion but then she ended up dead too

Back 95

Richard: and all of them with fire pokers.

Front 96

Brian D Taylor: yes I can see that.

Back 96

Richard: don’t you find that odd?

Front 97

Brian D Taylor: no. Not really. I’ve written stranger things.

Back 97

Richard: what?

Front 98

(Replay the scene)

Back 98

Replay

Front 99

Brett: the show isn’t over, Holly. We have to go on.

Back 99

Others: what?!

Front 100

Susan: its all right here. It’s in the book. The murder is dead.

Back 100

Richard: aha! I knew it!

Front 101

Scarlet: no it’s not. The script is titled the murder mystery at the murder mystery. That’s not the play were rehearsing.

Back 101

Richard: no. But it is The play were performing in at this very moment.

Front 102

Brett: well just re-count the facts. I mean, we’re a murder mystery Playhouse, after all. Surely we all know how this works.

Back 102

Richard: he’s right. We should try to remember exactly what happened when the lights went out.

Front 103

Others: what?

Back 103

Richard: I knew something weird was going on! And this explains everything!

Front 104

Misty: how so?

Back 104

Richard: I thought something was odd when Brian said hed written stranger things. He said it off-the-cuff, but what he meant was that he’d actually written Stranger Things.

Front 105

Brett: I don’t follow

Back 105

Richard: he meant it literally, that he’d written stranger things than this very play that we’re all in.

Front 106

Sandy: putting a little English on it?

Back 106

Richard: no. This play, the murder mystery at the murder mystery! Think about it… The music cues being off, the weak red herrings, the endless fire pokers, Mistys one dimensional personality…

Front 107

Misty: what?

Back 107

Richard: ... The terrible British accents we’ve all been using during the play.

Front 108

Erica: what are you suggesting Richard?

Back 108

Richard: i’m saying that it doesn’t add up. This isn’t reality. And we, of all people, should be able to recognize that. We are actors after all.

Front 109

Sandy: so this whole thing, the murders, the curse, the fire pokers… It’s all…

Back 109

Richard: (after music) yes! It’s all scripted! We’re all characters in a play!

Front 110

Brett: no.

Back 110

Richard: Yes! It’s the only exclamation!

Front 111

Misty: so you’re saying that none of this is real?

Back 111

Richard: yes! I mean, you’re right. This is all just a show. It’s all right here. Listen… Tom: you know… It’s getting kind a late. Are we going to keep going this time around? Holly: no. Tom we’re done. the shows over. Tom: what? Holly: the show is over. The playwrights been murdered.

Front 112

Tom: woah déjà vu man!

Back 112

Richard: exactly!

Front 113

Holly: she’s right Brett. This isn’t just taking place on the stage. This isn’t just a play anymore. (Piano music)

Back 113

Richard: where did she go?

Front 114

Sandy: because that’s what Tom and Holly said just a minute ago when Brian died.

Back 114

Richard: exactly! Those were their lines from just after he killed him self off!

Front 115

Holly: oh, Richard! Don’t say it like that. It’s...morbid

Back 115

Richard: see? More strange music. It’s the truth! Where all characters in this play.

Front 116

Misty: then, you mean… we’re all someone else?

Back 116

Richard: Yes. You’re being played by an actor.

Front 117

Erica: but not that you we all know cause that’s all an act.

Back 117

Richard: she’s right. Since we are all characters, we can never break character. So there’s no way of really knowing who we are until the play is over.

Front 118

Scarlet: oh, I better be played by someone fabulous. Like me!

Back 118

Richard: I wouldn’t worry about that. What’s important is that we’re safe. No one else is going to be murdered tonight. If we can just finish-

Front 119

Brian D Taylor: I said, hand over the manuscript!

Back 119

Richard: no.

Front 120

Brian D Taylor: i’m the playwright. I created you. You must do what I say.

Back 120

Richard: no. I don’t actually. I just had to do what’s written. As do you. I am not handing the script over.

Front 121

Brian D. Taylor: no.

Back 121

Mr. Polk: just dandy Mr. black care for round after tea?

Front 122

Brian D. Taylor: end scene!

Back 122

Mr. Polk: why is that Mr. Black surely you’ve improved since we last played it’s been years!

Front 123

Brian d Taylor: stop it! Lights! Curtain!

Back 123

Mr. Polk: oh pish posh!

Front 124

Misty: Sorry. It’s just that it’s still so...dreadful!

Back 124

Richard: but can you tell us whodunit?!

Front 125

Brian d Taylor: don’t you dare!

Back 125

Holl

Front 126

Brett: say it Richard say it!

Back 126

Richard: all you have to do is put a bit more English on it!

Front 127

Holly: he’s a victim of his own doing.

Back 127

Richard: he can’t harm us now.

Front 128

Misty: are you sure about that?

Back 128

Richard: well no. Not entirely but pretty sure. I mean you saw how he tried to stop us when we replayed the scene. He knew exactly what would happen.

Front 129

Erica: no no. Just trying to understand what happened here tonight. What was it that you said to him again?

Back 129

Mr. Polk: I said all you have to do is put a bit more English on it.

Front 130

Brett: right. Wake him up.

Back 130

Richard: is that the scene that we’re doing? Maybe I’m confused, but I thought we-

Front 131

Brett: Richard. What have I said?

Back 131

Richard: but I thought Tom was-