Still Pt3

Front 1

You don't have to be silent for me.

Back 1

I'm of "advanced maternal age," that's what they call it, but unlike you, I don't smoke and drink and- whatever else you do. And I didn't want some high-tech slick c-section birth where they cut him out of me like a tumor. I want hime to be - welcomed. Home. I wanted him to feel at home.

Front 2

If I were gonna give birth, I'd want to be pumped so full of drugs that I don't wake up until the kid is sixteen and able to start working.

Back 2

Or else you'd want to be awake and ready. Awake and listening. You'd have been waiting for nine months and you'd want every second of that arrival to be yours.

Front 3

So you had him at home.

Back 3

And everything was fine. And then all of a sudden everything wasn't fine. He came out still, so still. I waited for him to move, and he never moved. Never cried. His silence - was deafening. At night I still hear that silence ringing in my ears.

(Beat)

She called 911 and they came but it was already over. They took him away so fast. I tell myself I didn't have a chance to hold his body - but I did - and I was scared of it - and then it was gone. And I'll never know - if it's one of those things that just turns so fast, too fast to be caught - or if he could have been saved. I won't know that. So it will always seem to me as if it was my fault.

Front 4

You made the best decisions you could

Back 4

I should have made different decisions.

Front 5

You made decisions.

Back 5

That doesn't make me feel better.

Front 6

I think it takes a lot of courage to make decisions. Even if terrible things happen afterward. It takes a lot of strength. You're a woman of strength. And I'd rather be strong than happy.

Back 6

You're a child.

Front 7

Maybe I'm not.

Back 7

And the things you're saying - you don't understand yet what they mean.

Front 8

Maybe I do.

Back 8

I think your most interesting than anything I've seen in about forty years. But that doesn't mean we have anything to give each other.

Front 9

I think we do though.

Back 9

Why?

Front 10

Because... You make me feel something else. In moments. Almost. Kind of. Like I could want to be... Not-mean...to you. I've never felt like that before.

Back 10

Dolores-

Front 11

Have you?

Back 11

Dolores-!

Front 12

Have you?

Back 12

No.

Front 13

Until now?

Back 13

I'm old enough to be your mother.

Front 14

Let me. Just let me.

Back 14

This isn't what you want. And it isn't what I want either.

Front 15

I didnt even want..... How your sad is brighter than other people's happy.

Back 15

Dolores. Shhhh.

Front 16

Morgan, please-

Back 16

Shh.

Front 17

What are you doing.

Back 17

Shhh.

Front 18

Don't - I don't know what you're - don't do that. Don't touch me like that.

Back 18

We're adrift on a little boat. We're the only two people on the face of the ocean. The apocalypse has struck and land has become ash and the ash floats on the water, and somehow, miraculously, we did not become ash. We are the only things in the world that are more substantial than ash. Just you and me.

(Dolores cries)

Shhhh. Goodnight moon, goodnight bassoon, goodnight spittoon, goodnight little monsters and monsoons. You're doing your best. I can see that.