The Odd Couple, Act Two, Scene 1

Front 1

FELIX: (Staring at the door) That's funny, isn't it? They think we're happy. They really think we're enjoying this. They don't know what it's like.

Back 1

OSCAR: I'd be immensely grateful to you, Felix, if you didn't clean up just now.

Front 2

FELIX: (Puts dishes on the tray) It's only a few things. You know I think they really envy us. (He clears more stuff from the table)

Back 2

OSCAR: Leave everything alone. I'm not through dirtying-up for the night.

Front 3

FELIX: (Putting stuff on the tray) But don't you see the irony of it? Don't you see it?

Back 3

OSCAR: Yes, I see it.

Front 4

FELIX: (Clearing the table) No, you don't. I really don't think you do.

Back 4

OSCAR: I'm telling you I see the irony of it.

Front 5

FELIX: Then tell me. What is it? What's the irony?

Back 5

OSCAR: The irony is—unless we can come to some other arrangement, I'm gonna kill you! That's the irony.

Front 6

FELIX: What's wrong? (puts down all the glasses and other things)

Back 6

OSCAR: There's something wrong with this system, that's what's wrong. I don't think that two single roommates living alone in an apartment should have a cleaner house than my mother.

Front 7

FELIX: What are you talking about? I'm just going to put the dishes in the sink. You want me to leave them here all night?

Back 7

OSCAR: I don't care if you take them to bed with you. You can play Martha Stewart all you want. But don't make me feel guilty.

Front 8

FELIX: I'm not asking you to do it. You don't have to clean up.

Back 8

OSCAR: That's why you make me feel guilty. Last night I found you washing the kitchen floor, shaking your head and moaning, Footprints, footprints!

Front 9

FELIX: I didn't say they were yours.

Back 9

OSCAR: Well, they were mine, damn it. I have feet and they make prints. What do you want me to do, climb across the cabinets?

Front 10

FELIX: No! I want you to walk on the floor.

Back 10

OSCAR: I appreciate that! I really do.

Front 11

FELIX: I’m just trying to keep the place livable. I didn't realize I irritated you that much.(Puts the rag down on the coffee table and sits down glumly on the couch) I was wondering how long it would take before I got on your nerves.

Back 11

OSCAR: I didn't say you get on my nerves.

Front 12

FELIX: Well, it's the same thing. You said I irritated you.

Back 12

OSCAR: You said you irritated me. I didn't say it.

Front 13

FELIX: Then what did you say?

Back 13

OSCAR: I don't know what I said. What's the difference what I said?

Front 14

FELIX: I was just repeating what I thought you said.

Back 14

OSCAR: Well, don't repeat what you thought I said. Repeat what I said! My God, that's irritating!

Front 15

FELIX: You see! You did say it!

Back 15

OSCAR: I don't believe this whole conversation.

Front 16

FELIX: I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Back 16

OSCAR: And don't pout. If you want to fight, we'll fight. But don't pout! Fighting I win. Pouting you win!

Front 17

FELIX: You're right. Everything you say about me is absolutely right.

Back 17

OSCAR: And don't give in so easily. I'm not always right. Sometimes you're right.

Front 18

FELIX: You're right. I do that. I always figure I'm in the wrong.

Back 18

OSCAR: Only this time you are wrong. And I'm right. And don't sulk. That's the same as pouting.

Front 19

FELIX: Oh, leave me alone. Damn me, why can't I do one lousy thing right?

Back 19

OSCAR: (Watching this) Why didn't you throw it?

Front 20

FELIX: Because I'm trying to control myself.

Back 20

OSCAR: Why?

Front 21

FELIX: What do you mean, why?

Back 21

OSCAR: Why do you have to control yourself? You're angry, you felt like throwing the pillow, why don't you throw it?

Front 22

FELIX: Because there's no point to it. I'd still be angry and I'd have a lumpy pillow.

Back 22

OSCAR: How do you know? Maybe you'd feel wonderful. Why do you have to control every single thought in your head? For once in your life do something you're not supposed to do. Get drunk. Get angry. C'mon, throw the goddamned pillow! (FELIX suddenly stands up and hurls the pillow. Then he grabs his shoulder in pain)

Front 23

FELIX: Oww! I hurt my arm!

Back 23

OSCAR: And how can you hurt your arm throwing a pillow? If it had foam in it, that's one thing. But a feather pillow?

Front 24

FELIX: All right, cut it out. I get hurt easily. I can't help it.

Back 24

OSCAR: A world full of room-mates and I pick you. I suppose I could have done worse.

Front 25

FELIX: Now wait a minute. We have some fun too, don't we?

Back 25

OSCAR: That's right. After we've had your halibut steak and the dishes are done and the sink has been Brillo'd and the leftovers have been Saran-Wrapped—what do we do?

Front 26

FELIX: Well, we read, we talk . . .

Back 26

OSCAR: No, no. I read and you talk, I don't think you're getting my point. I think I've spent enough evenings discussing tomorrow's menu. The night was made for other things.

Front 27

FELIX: Like what?

Back 27

OSCAR: Like unless I get to touch something in the next two weeks, I'm in big trouble.

Front 28

FELIX: That's funny. You know I haven't even thought about sex in weeks.

Back 28

OSCAR: I fail to see the humor.

Front 29

FELIX: What are you saying?

Back 29

OSCAR: I'm saying let's spend one night talking to someone of the opposite sex.

Front 30

FELIX: You mean go out on a date? Oh, well, I—I can't.

Back 30

OSCAR: Why not?

Front 31

FELIX: Well, it's all right for you. But I'm still married.

Back 31

OSCAR: You can cheat until the divorce comes through!

Front 32

FELIX: It's not that. It's just that I have no—no feeling for it. I get lonely too. But I'm just separated a few weeks. Give me a little time. I'll take a pill and go to sleep.

Back 32

OSCAR: Why take a pill to sleep when you can you can have sex?

Front 33

FELIX: Because I'd feel guilty, that's why.

Back 33

OSCAR: Look, for all I care you can screw in the kitchen and make a blueberry pie. But I think it's a lot healthier than sitting up in your bed every night writing Frances' name all through the crossword puzzles. For one night, talk to another human being.

Front 34

FELIX: But who would I call?

Back 34

OSCAR: Leave that to me. There's two roomies who live in this building. English. They're a barrel of laughs.

Front 35

FELIX: How do you know?

Back 35

OSCAR: I was trapped in the elevator with them last week. I've been meaning to call them. This'll be perfect.

Front 36

FELIX: What do they look like?

Back 36

OSCAR: Don't worry. Yours is hot.

Front 37

FELIX: I'm not worried. What’s mine like?

Back 37

OSCAR: Divorced.

Front 38

FELIX: Divorced!?

Back 38

OSCAR: Look do whatever you want. I don’t care.

Front 39

FELIX: Alright.

Back 39

OSCAR: No crying, sighing, moaning or groaning. And this above all, no talk of the past. Only the present.

Front 40

FELIX: And the future.

Back 40

OSCAR: That's what I've been waiting for. Hey, where do you want to go?

Front 41

FELIX: For what? You mean a restaurant? For the four of us? It'll cost a fortune.

Back 41

OSCAR: We have to eat.

Front 42

FELIX: We'll have dinner here.

Back 42

OSCAR: Here?

Front 43

FELIX: I'll cook.

Back 43

OSCAR: What kind of a double date is that? You'll be in the kitchen all night.

Front 44

FELIX: No, I won't. Once I get my potatoes in, I'll have all the time in the world. (He starts to dial)

Back 44

OSCAR: Who are you calling?

Front 45

OSCAR: How do you know? Maybe you'd feel wonderful. Why do you have to control every single thought in your head?

Back 45

OSCAR: How do you know? Maybe you'd feel wonderful. Why do you have to control every single thought in your head? For once in your life do something you're not supposed to do. Get drunk. Get angry. C'mon, throw the goddamned pillow! (FELIX suddenly stands up and hurls the pillow. Then he grabs his shoulder in pain)