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60 Cards in this Set
- Front
- Back
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... you want from this carnival of awkwardness?
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I'll go with soul mate.
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... concrete goal! Now we're cooking with grease!
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That we are.
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... to have children with this soul mate?
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Yes.
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Do you want to have healthy children?
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Yes.
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... do you want to go mail-order?
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I'd prefer the former.
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... haven't met The One, you'd better run.
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There's no such thing as The One.
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Are you seeing A One, at least?
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I don't know yet. I believe in evolution, not the Big Bang.
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... to come out the wrong way, but--
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What?
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Are you really a dating coach?
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Why would I lie about something like that? Are you really a chef?
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... for a living, you seem really nervous.
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Ah.
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I mean, I'm nervous, too, I just--
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No, don't apologzie. I am nervous-- congrats on that-- I'm actually not the best on dates. It's kind of impossible to coach yourself-- but here's the thing: I'm really very good at what I do.
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I didn't mean to suggest that you weren't--
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Don't apologize, just trust me: I invented this job, I pioneered the field, and I'm really extremely good. Like statistically significant good. ninety-six percent of my clients get ask out a second time. Fifty-three percent have gone on to serious long-term relationships--trust me, 53 percent is a phenomenal success rate-- and there are 127 couples in this city who wouldn't be married now without me
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OK.
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Uh-huh.
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I believe you.
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Here's the thing: When you were a kid, did you read all those Encyclopedia Brown mysteries?
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... I haven't thought about those books in--
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Do you remember the one abou tthe town with two barbers?
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That's not a joke?
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No, it's the world's greatest allegory for what I do, and for any weirdness you're experiencing this afternoon: Encyclopedia brown's town has only two barbers-- one with a great haircut, and one with a terrible haircut. And Encyclopedia always chooses to get his hair cut by the barber with a mess on his head. Why?
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Why?
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Why.
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I have no idea.
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Because: It's really hard to cut your own hair.
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... responsible for the other guy's bad haircut.
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And vice versa.
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I got it.
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As far as I know, our town has only two dating coaches.
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(Second debrief)
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See, I'd really prefer it if you just told me to sit up straight and make eye contact.
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... ground yourself in a coherent intellectual framework.
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No, to be successful at dating, you must avoid ordering corn on the cob.
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... am a certified actuary with two Ph.D.'s.
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Fine, enlighten me.
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... as are Kismet, the Intended, the One--
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The Bashert.
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The bawhat?
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It's Yiddish for the same idea. God slices one sould into a boy half and a girl half, then sends them out of two wombs to go find and complete one another.
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I think that was in Hedwig.
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Yes it was.
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... This is not devious; this is obvious.
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I already did those things. Now I'm dating a pastry chef.
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... on yet another date with this nonstarter?
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I'm hedging my bets. You should appreciate that.
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So your dating coach is the bad barber?
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I'd like to think so, but really we're just very different in our approach. I'm all tactics, and she's all strategy. She's the von Clausewitz of dating, and I'm more of a God-is-in-the-details, practical kind of trainer. I teach my clients how to write their online blurbs-- (it's a new art form, believe me [well-done, by the way])-- and then we move on to how to choose a restaurant, conversational topics to avoid, basic etiquette, things like that.
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... sorry again that I was late tonight.
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It's fine. But if you were my client, for example, you'd know valuable dating principles like Don't Ever Keep a Girl Waiting and For God's Sake Don't Ask to Finish Her Uneaten Portion, and also Three Dates Without Making a Move Makes a Girl Wonder What the Hell.
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I'm really sorry if I was rude, and--
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The fact that i'm still sitting here means you should be thinking about how to apply that last principle.
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... husband wrote his doctoral on Clausewitz.
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You want to talk about that?
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The thesis?
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No, your Ex Files.
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Is this the time or the place?
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Relax, I'm a professional. Lay it on me.
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... hair of her in six months since then.
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Six months?
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I don't have any baggage.
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OK.
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True virtue abhors self-advertisment. Only psychopaths lack baggage.
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I hate theory.
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And also:
Instinct is not a myth. |
What are you saying, Veronica?
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... what we know when we know it.
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I am not hearing this from you of all people. I refuse to be infected by The Poet's Imperative!
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Do I hear a theory coming on, my dear?
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The Poet's Imperative is not a theory--it's a conspiracy! It's a dangerous virus that was weaponized by Shakespeare and contaminates millions of people though pop songs. It says that love will knock you over in one little instant, and if you're still standing then it can't be love. It says never be satisfied by anything less than fireworks and fevers. It says your quiet love is nothing. It says the world's greatest romance was born in one moment, when Romeo saw Juliet across a crowded room. Do you know how much damage has been done single-handedly by "Some Enchanted Evening"?
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... not the direct result of South Pacific.
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All I'm saying is that love takes time.
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... time do you think you have left?
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You need to level with me.
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Is this our RDT?
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For your information, the Relationship-Defining Talk is for the sooner of the sixth date or the first sexual experience--in my professional opinion, we've got a ways to go.
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What's wrong.
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I've read every Encyclopedia Brown sotry. I can't blieve it took me this long to figure it out.
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Julie...
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Did you just say my name? Peopl don't say other people's names, David, unless they're pissed off, guilty as sin, or climaxing.
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... of that. Hey--you're absolutely right.
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You said that your ex had a first husband, that you met her after their divorice, and that you haven't heard anything about her since you split up six months ago.
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That's all true.
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But! You wouldn't say "first husband" unless there were a second one. You'd say "ex-husband." How do you know she got married again?
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...I can't believe it's relevant to the real world.
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Shut up and confess.
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... being in touch with my ex anymore.
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Were you married?
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No.
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Are you married?
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... inevitable second. But we did break up.
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Don't keep lying to me.
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... did. It's just that it was... provisional.
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Don't say it...
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We wanted to see other people.
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"Before you got serious."
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Right.
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Right.
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I really like you.
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That's very nice. But nooooooooo-ho-ho NO RDT for you tonight.
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I'm not on the rebound.
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I wish you were on the rebound; that would be a relative honor. But apparently I'm an experiemental wild-oats repository.
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... It's just find not enough?
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This is the Tale of the Concorde, which lends itself to all manner of allegories: Once upon a time the British and the French, experiencing a rush of unlikely bonhomie, hooked up to make a supersonic plane. The drew up plans and made huge investments and got down to work. Soon they were straining the budget, though, and then they were way over-budget, and then, one day, they were so far overbudget that there was no way the plane could ever make back all the money they'd already put into it. The rational choice was to give up, cut bait, and pull out. But instead they said, "Well, we've come this far." As so many do. And thus the Concorde was born, never to make its investors a penny. And some think it was a colossal waste, but others think it was a beautiful plane while it lasted.
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... or later, you will be forced to.
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...
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So.
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So.
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I mean, where's the fire, right?
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Yeah, where's the fire.
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