Slow Sex Study Guide: Explanations

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1. Sex is your power source:

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“Present, opening, slow burning sex that heats you up from the inside out. Generative sex; sex that begets more turn-on, more awakening, and more sex. Sex that ignites; that lights up the power grid. This is the source of our power (TOW).” The sex that is raw and undressed is your power source, not the kind that is dressed up with sexy outfits and toys and expectations, we’re talking about the real deal sex from real naked desire, the more light you shed on your awakened sex, the more energy you create in your body and the more drive you have to make the changes in your life and the world that you want to see. If you have unapologetic sexuality, you’ve got freedom to be yourself, and then you’ve got true power. (Lindsay)

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2. Good to better:

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A client may say “my sex life is already good, what would I need this for?” as a coach, one could reply “what could make it go from good to better?” To relate this to Co-active coaching, we can know that as a coach we need not be scanning for problems at all times - rather, our job can be to deepen the learning and enhance what is already good at make it better through goals and desires. (needs more? natalie)

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3. Expand and include:

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Widen your range of capacity to hold rather than shun what you are. Take in, add more. Growth through addition. Adding more people to the game to make it richer, the game that include all games within it. As opposed to the antithesis contract and exclude.

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4. Go slow to go fast:

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To go slow. To be sustainable. To alchemize within, to alchemize their external environment. You can bulldozer through actions and yet if you don’t do the emotional work it won’t stick. Learning to take it easy, will get you there in the long run.

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5. The best systems self-destruct:

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he “best systems” are ones that take change into account and welcome it. They learn to create the right change at the right time within themselves, thus “self-destructing”. Built in to the “best systems” understanding of itself is the fact that it must change and grow or it will cease to function. Fixed systems lose their effectiveness over time and take much longer amounts of time to rebuild from destruction hindered by resistance.

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6. The higher game is that which includes the other:

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An Infinite game can hold a finite game but a finite game cannot hold an infinite game. For instance in sports, you can have plays in a game but plays could never hold the game. Always seeing the bigger picture is important because it allows us to expand our lenses and create plays to keep the game going. (Will someone check this one?)(per hadass: yes, good, and an example is...an finite game could be: i want to have a great career where i help people, whereas an infinite game is : “i want to live a life of serving others”. Career is temporary, and at a certain point, we retire from our career, but a life of serving others lasts forever, and within it we can find one arena, our career to help others, but there can be many more...)

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7. Increase attention rather than pressure:

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Pressure is an expression of attention. Increasing attention will always increase sensation and yet not over stroke. An increase in pressure is not guaranteed to increase sensation and may be an over stroke.

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8. The trump play is surrender:

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this idea is one that proposes that that the person who is most willing to surrender in any situation is the one who can gain the most benefit. Surrender in this case is willing to encounter a situation which is personally challenging and embrace all of it, including feeling challenging feelings such as jealousy, or insecurity, and be willing to feel it completley, rather then resist. As a result the person who is embracing the challenging experience finds themselves feeling powerful because they do not feel there is any aspect of themselves or life that they need to turn away from, and in this way are able to handle any challenge life throws at them. In relationship this experience can happen when there are 2 people who are angry at each other, and the one who is willing to own up to their part of creating the disagreement will feel the momentary humility of being the first to ‘back down’ but will also find they will feel more powerful as a result of staying connected in a tough place.

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9. Don’t stop at the breakers:

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there is a place we encounter in the ocean called the breakers. this place is the dividing place between the shallow water and the deep water, and it is also the hardest waves, the ones that are so intimidating and dangerous that they push us back into shallow water. In life, these breakers are what pushes us back to the shallow end of comfortable experience, whereas swimming beyond the ‘breakers’ or being wiling to go through our toughest challenges, we reach the deeper place of having what we want. An example is someone who is in unhappy relationship who goes so far as to get close to breaking up, and when they feel the uncoming sadness of it, they retreat back into the unhappy relationship, as opposed to being willing to encounter the difficulty of lonliness that is on the path to finding a more fullfilling loving relationship.

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10. True love dies:

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when a relationship has room to move and grow into something different than what it started out as. meaning that it is not fixed in time and doesn’t have to stay the same. this is true love. it allows for itself to die and beborn over and over again to include the needs of the players rose.

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11. Complaint is desire with a hardened crust:

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We often have a desire, shoot it down, and then start to become dissatisfied with the way things are. Then, we complain because things are not as they should be. If you pull all of the complaints from someone, really let someone run all of them, they have nothing left to complain about and then the crust can crack and you can feel the actual desire. For example, you’re not in the mood to have sex but your partner is and you do it anyway, you start thinking about how the sex was somewhat dull, you complain the next day about how you didn’t want to have sex and now you feel tired all day and how selfish your parner is. After you exhaust all your complaints, your partner says what did you want? You feel your way back to that moment and you realize that you had the desire to be alone, reading quietly side by side that night, letting the sexual tension build over the week.

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12. The wave that you can’t outrun:

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The wave where it’s simply too late to try and paddle over, you give up and say, “fuck it”, chuck your board and swim through it. You take it fully. Surrender fully and let it move you. The wave that you can’t run is the experience that the Universe placed before you. For example, any situation where you feel like your in a washer machine. Your tumbling, you don’t know which way is up or down, it’s dark and cold and you simply have no control of what life just threw at you. Getting fired, a loved one passing away, your car getting totaled. Whatever the case, it simply is out of your hands.

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13. The direct path is rarely the best way to get to the goal

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12. The direct path is rarely the best way to get to the goalSometimes getting towards the goal directly isn’t always the best answer. You need to make mistakes, fall flat on your face, humiliate yourself to have the experience. It’s not always infact rarely is getting to the goal the fun part. It’s the experiences to get to the goal where all of the juice is.

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14. The things you are protecting are the things that are hurting you

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When we protect the parts of ourselves that we don’t want others to see, yet it is in those parts where we can achieve freedom. It unlocking all of the locks that we created that relieves us with more potent power. The more we unlock, the more potent the energy, the more potent as human being we become. The more you protect, the less people see you and the less connection you have with them. “What resists, persists.” If we persist not opening up to intimacy we will never achieve it. Taking the risk is half the fun anyways.

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15. Trust someone to be who they are

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If we can see each other without the veil between us. No story, no personality, just us as the human, unique person that we are, then we have achieved our connection. Unfortunately, life’s a bitch and so is our ego which tends to get in the way of the trust in seeing other people as they are. Openness and just being honest seems to be the best antidote to keeping the veil uncovered. Just know that you are giving up your game and hooks and risking everything so that you can be completely yourself.

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16. Tumescence is power:

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Tumescense itself is just a concencentrated form of unpotentiated sexual energy. What this means, is that a person had an experience with themselvse in which their body got turned on, but their mind disagreed with the experience of turn on, and tumescense happened. In this state, it is unpotentiated, or unused energy, which sits in the body. If we can remember that if we get in agreement with this turn on, we can allow ourselves to feel it, and use it to either open up parts of ourselves, or use it as physical energy to get something done, this turn on has power.(Hadass)

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17. Respond to what the relationship is asking for rather than what either of you is asking for

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When we feel the orgasm shift, especially with someone we really care about and we don’t follow its shift, the turn on gets killed. It’s moving with the shift where we can keep the game going between players. The most dreadful moment is knowing when things need to end and you keep it lingering. In my experience, I would hook every way possible to keep things in a label container. And every time, I would leave with heartbreak and disappointment.

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18. We blow out on the good

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It is far easier to take a no and get rejected when we ask for what we really want, than we ask for what we really want and get a yes. We don’t blow out when things are going wrong, we blow out when they are going right. Our saboteurs are loud and they take us all the way down so that we can’t see our desires and even if we do, it’s a glass ceiling to us , if we don’t approve of the things we want most.

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19. To flatten out a bent piece of paper, you must bend it all the way back to the other side:

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You temporarily become your opposite in order to grow from the same location you’re used to. To find your middle, your resting place, you must test the edges. If you’re someone that is always cautious, very particular about who you have sex with, and rarely goes toward your desire, you want to purposefully put yourself in a situation where you are bent in the other direction: a week of speaking your desires, letting your sexuality out, and saying yes to going on a date with someone outside your stable data. You’re not changing yourself, you’re building new muscles and finding more of a range with the way you interact with the world. This way, you’ve bent the paper back enough in the opposite direction that you’re used to, so that the paper can flatten out, you are free to act from YOU not your habituated responses.

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20. Desire is incontrovertible:

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You can’t argue with it. There’s no controversy. You can’t doubt it or question it. Deeper desire. You can doubt it, throw things at it, you’re not going to change it. She wants what she wants.

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21. Turn on by proxy:

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Since turn on begets turn on, turn on by proxy is when being in the presence of turn on is all that it takes to turn yourself on.

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22. Desire destabilizes self:

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Self is fixed while desire shifts. The closer one is aligned with desire, the more often they are likely to contradict a sense of identity.

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23. Feel the full stroke :

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The idea that one should stay engaged completely with the stimului or communication that is occuring. In orgasmic meditation, this idea is to literally feel the entire stroke on the genitals from the bottom to the top, covering the entire genital area, without drawing attention away. In life, this can be illustrated for instance if someone is expressing their love for you, and you allow yourself to be moved by it and feel it, both emotionally as well as physically, without pulling away or trying to resist it.(Hadass)

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24. All is real, true, valid and important:

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The practice of taking on each view point is real, valid, true and important. When someone is saying something, or acting in a way then it is different then your frame of mind, you can take on this practice, and allow yourself to see things from their point of view completely. As a result, you can notice within yourself where your limitations are, and while that experience may be uncomfortable, it gives you the opportunity to expand and grow, where you can remove these limitations, as you notice that you are the one who placed them there. (Hadass)

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25. Remember to remember:

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Remembering to Remember is a practice that happens at a moment in which we are experiencing our lives as challenging, painful or difficult. in this moment, we can remember that we are having this particular experience as a result of asking for something we wanted, and this challenge we are expreiencing is us having to work out what it takes to really have that desire in the world, whether it is opening up ourselves as people, or encountering challenging circumstances from the outside.(Hadass)

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26. The locus of orgasm is within:

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Our tendency is to locate it in a specific other person. Only going to get off with Ken, Ken won’t om with them. There’s no way it can go right. More valuable to them by having a conversation about locus or orgasm. Inter-dependency not co-dependency.You’re responsible for your orgasm, opposite of

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27. Sex begets sex:

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The more sex you have, the more it creates sex.Momentum, a thing in motion will stay in motion. When you have a dry spell, you get so parched you don’t want to be touched, you make a list of all the ways that you’re going to have sex but it doesn’t work that way, it flows once you just have it.

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28. Fuck or fight:

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This concept suggests that the same energy it takes to fight, is the same energy it takes to fuck. The choice to take that energy and fuck or to take that energy and fight is just the lens or filter you choose to experience the energy through.

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29. Beginner’s mind:

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That we come to an experience with fresh eyes, as though each thing there is to learn is new, unexplored and available for us to experience as though we are beginners, approaching something for the first time.

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30. What’s not integrated is exaggerated:

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This is similar to the idea that what we resist persists. That what doesn’t see the light of day, what’s not accepted or given approval has to find a way to breathe, a way to be expressed and that through seeking that breath and expression those unaccepted, unapproved of parts of ourselves become the dominant, loudest parts of our personality because they are so desparately seeking to become integrated as part of the whole.

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31. Follow the first impulse

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Your desire’s first offer is often its best; it is the guarantee of the most sensation. So often though we don’t respond until it is drained of its energy; until it is safe and dead. If you build a relationship of trust, your desire will always give you the best tips on the hottest options. But first you have to let it in.

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32. Friendship is the highest form of relating

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We recognize that the highest and lowest form of relationship is that of friend with greater and lesser intimacy. We recognize that friendship is a stronger and more accurate foundation of relationship, it is the highest subset that includes all others; mother, lover, even enemy. Friendship is the stroke that we return to.

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33. Tears are orgasm coming out of your eyes.

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This is orgasm as expression. Laughing, crying, yelling - these are tumescent forms of orgasm. they are one way that it can come out.

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34. Women play “broken winged bird”, men play savior.

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Women have often learned to play smaller than they are. They will play victim, play broken, play fragile, and play hurt in order to invite a savior. They do so from a mistaken belief that these stories are true, or they do so because they think they can’t hold their own desire, their own turn-on, or their own sex. Men play into the game by acting as a savior because they can feel that that’s what is desired and it has them feel big, needed, strong, etc. They often come in and rescue and save, and at first it feels good to both people, and then usually because she’s not actually broken she gets resentful that he bought into her story and lashes out or disconnects in some way. He might go through feelings of uselessness, confusion, anger, etc.

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35. When the next stroke is going to be less sensational than the last, change the stroke.

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Otherwise “over-stroking” occurs, which is like if someone rubbed the same spot on your arm in the same way or five minutes. Sensation changes and shifts - you can move with it and flow with it. You can learn a sense for when the next stroke won’t be as sensational as the last one and then you know it’s time to change the stroke.