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82 Cards in this Set
- Front
- Back
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Steps For Repair Attemps
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1.Listen nondefensively (most imp) 2. Find something to agree with 3. Seek clarification or ask for suggestions 4. Ask if there is anything else that is botherin the person. 5. Disengage if 1-3 lead to increased hostility.
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Importance of repair attempts
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The most important communication skill-not reciprocating negativity.
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Thoughts on communication
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its not a skill deficit but usually a problem of awareness and desire.
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Types of commitment
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1. Event driven: Changes in the relationship are a result of immediate external event (most common is pregnancy, other ex internship, moving) –Greater volatility and instability ex: cohabitation due to a housing problem. 2. Relationship driven: Changes in the relationship are a result of personal and relational growth,communication. More gradual and moderate change. Ex: dating partners deciding to make relationship more exclusive
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Decid or slide
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sliding into a new relationship
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Components of commitment
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dedication: how commited are partners to one another and the relationship. Desire for future together, we ness, priority for relationship, sacrifice. Constraint commitment: things that make leaving the relationship more difficult (children, finances, expectations), there’s nothing wrong with these, they prevent impulsive or drastic decisions
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Commitment from a gospel perspective
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Matt 19:3-9 Leave father and mother and be one flesh, what God puts together let no one put asunder. Once we decide to marry we don’t have the right to leave it. Promise or vow of dedication and loyalty. A matter of integrity (do you do what you say you’ll do)-Integrity is the only way most of us can be a prophet. Ex of integrity: abe Lincoln, abe told old maid he’d marry her. If you only have one positive attribute or characteristic in marriage make it be integrity. A lack of integrity is the beginning and ending of marital dissolution. Dontrast truth/honesty, withholding info and lies, means more when you’re generally honest with each other.
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Benefits of Positive Illusions
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In terms of how we see our partners, researchers used to think perceiving reality was the ideal. Now we know that positive illulsions are more important. How we think things are eventually results in really catching up with our vision. Is this faith or fantasy…both. Believing someone can be what they want yet aren’t yet.
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Spouses view of themselves and marital happiness
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As spouses sees themselves lower than their spouse their marital happiness increases
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Importance of perception of partner
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Partner enhancement is preferable even if both score poor on a personality trait. Your perceptions of your partner are your most important perceptions. Movement from partner enhancing to self enhancing is particularly dangerous. Many couples in therapy have a self enhancement or partner diminishing perception.
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Change over time Research
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The best most challenging research: 90% of research on marriage is a one shot data, it misses the central issue, change. If you want to make a big difference in your careers, gather a set of good assessment measures, follow couples as soon as you can, follow them until they die or you die. Very expensive and time consuming research for both the researchers and the participants. Why would anyone agree to be harassed every year, they don’t. They just agree and then researchers try to make it worth their time. The biggest problem of these studies is drop outs.
Longitudinal PAIR research: Huouston: Promoting marriage is insufficient (Promoting good marriages with viable partners is what matters. |
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3types of courtship relationships
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: 1. Rock turbulent: Men decrease in conscientiousness and increase in stubbornness adventuresome and like ot flaunt convention. Men and women are high on anxiety, moody, suspicious. Results in brittle marriages those that last are unhappy. 2. Sweet and undramatic: Good hearts, lack personality flaws of turbulent types, warm sensitive helpful understanding. Results in smooth courtship and smooth marriages. 3. Passionate courthships: Fast moving, early sex, short courtships, passion is rooted in personality fo the lover rather than the object of love. Relationships tend to fizzle and divorce is likely. Overplay positive and fall head over heals, just want to be in love, doesn’t matter who.
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Rock turbulent
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Men decrease in conscientiousness and increase in stubbornness adventuresome and like ot flaunt convention. Men and women are high on anxiety, moody, suspicious. Results in brittle marriages those that last are unhappy.
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Sweet and undramatic
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Good hearts, lack personality flaws of turbulent types, warm sensitive helpful understanding. Results in smooth courtship and smooth marriages.
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Passionate courthships
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Fast moving, early sex, short courtships, passion is rooted in personality fo the lover rather than the object of love. Relationships tend to fizzle and divorce is likely. Overplay positive and fall head over heals, just want to be in love, doesn’t matter who.
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Those who last and those who don't
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Positive and negative sides of marriage are not opposite ends of a continuum. Love coexists with antagonism, all early relationships are on an emotional high. Love is high, antagonism is low. The loss of love and affection is what distinguishes those who last and those who don’t.
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Probability of transformation of a person in a relationshilp
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Personality is etched into their being by the time they marry. People change, sometimes dramatically but transformation are rare and cannot be counted on.
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Many marrying in spite of the facts
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Many people marry in spite of evidence that they are making a mistake, indicating that a certain degree of idealism short circuits wisdom. The focus on problem solving and skills for intervention programs is woefully inadequate as the emotional climate is more important. Who you marry is more important than whether you marry, poor personalities lead to poor marriages.Don’t get discouraged about marriage. Be careful about your selection, but know that no one is perfect. Be careful what you take out of a situation that you are analyzing with a microscope (so to speak) because people had happy, successful, and fulfilling marriages before there were classes to teach these things etc.
Have to be able to think about our marriages but also not get crazy about it. Be normal about it. Careful not to get performance anxiety. Let this knowledge change you in a GOOD way. |
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The 2 channels of communication
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Verbal and Non Verbal.- Nonverbal Communication:
o Most CLEARLY demonstrates how you feel about what you are saying and how you feel about who you are talking to. o When there is incongruence between what we say and how we say it, people will listen to how we say it. Some things should never be said unless they are felt: like “I love you” Possibly most important form of communication Gestures have more power: facial, body gestures etc. |
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Communication as a translation
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All Communication is a Translation:
o Boys: Hierarchy, Status, Center Stage, Competitive, Humorous o Girls: Best Friends, Turn Taking, Noncompetitive, Suggestions, Being Liked. o Clip on “Me Monster” and topping other people (I Walked On The Moon) o Men: Share Problems- Get Solutions/ Problem Solvers Share Information- Details of News, Sports, Politics Maintain Relationships- Through Activities o Women: Share Problems- Share Similar Experience (careful when doing with guys because they will most often take it as trying to trump their story) Share Relationship Details (where triangling becomes a challenge) Maintain Relationships- Through Talking o Men and Women: Meilander- What does he conclude about men and women becoming friends? Friendship with the opposite sex is harder- Are you up to the challenge? Men fear engulfment, women fear invasiveness These kinds of friendships take us beyond ourselves to see beyond our secret world both that which is terrible and beautiful. |
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Solutions to Communication Differences:
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o Try to be like the other gender...
NOT!!! want to be a little more flexible and be able to communicate but be good at the gender differences we have o Celebrate Differences Empathy Problem Solving (lot of problems to be solved in life so this is necessary) Share What You Need (let them know if not on right track for what you need) Same Gender Friends (some things your spouse is simply not going to get) |
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Real intimacy
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achieving unity of heart, mind and body is very rare.
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Physical intimacy
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not sex rather the complete unity of body.
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Emotional intimacy
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: Not empathy, rather the complete understanding of anothers heart.
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Intellectual intimacy
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Not knowledge, rather the complete sharing of intelligence
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Intimacy and likelihood of having all three types
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Most relationships do not achieve all three, some get two, more get one, many get non. (Analogy of learning to be a musician or an athlete not just playing a song or sport –years of practice go beyond techniques to being able to put your soul into the music or the physical endeavor. Talent is relevant but all people can learn to do something musically or physically that allows them to express their emotions and their intellect.
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5 necessary and sufficient conditions for intimacy
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1. Belief and Knowledge: leading to commitment
2. Slow pace: cannot be rushed or forced, leading to regular uninterrupted time. 3. Privacy/Boundaries: leading to safety and trust(have limits around relationship that protect relationship. Threats: Exhibitionism: To disclose personal details or exhibit our private physical self to others before we could realistically trust them, for the purpose of gain. Ex: couples on Oprah, exhibition is bigger problem than the actual problem Boyeurism: to watch read or listen to the personal disclosures or exhibitions of the physical self of others as a form of entertainment or a substitituion for legitimate intimacy. -Every instance of either reduces opportunities and capacities for real intimacy “cleave unto her/him and none else” divided passions equals inability to cleave. -Reduces our ability to understand pacing: when to share what with whom-too much sharing too early or too guarded for too long. -Negatively influences body images-especially of women -Primary focus on sex “10 steps to incredible sex” orgasm =intimacy, perfect bodies = intimacy, in reality 40-60yrs is best, humans and brains have emotions 4. Risk: To become close to someone you have to take a risk –learning to let truth free you to grow closer. 5. Sustained effort |
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Exhibitionism
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Threat to intimacy.To disclose personal details or exhibit our private physical self to others before we could realistically trust them, for the purpose of gain. Ex: couples on Oprah, exhibition is bigger problem than the actual problem
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Boyeurism
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Threat to intimacy.: to watch read or listen to the personal disclosures or exhibitions of the physical self of others as a form of entertainment or a substitituion for legitimate intimacy.
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Qualities of sex life metaphor for relationship
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Intimacy: Why might the quality of the sexual are of marriabe be an appropriate metaphor for the entire relationship? All of qualities in a relationship go into sex. Selfless, reading cues. –It is the one area where natural differences between partners are likely to lead to substantial challenges. Physiological differences are dramatic.-Differences in interest are common-often one person has natural sexual desires that are at least double that of the partner-Differences in time to climax. On average males reach climax after 5 min, women after 20. –Differences in what types of activities lead to orgasm. 40% of women will rarely if ever reach orgasm through intercourse alone. –For some people interest in sex proceeds arousal, for others arousal must occur to create interst. –For some people sex is the culmination of emotional closeness, for others it is the beginning of emotional closeness
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Different comofrt levels in talking about sex
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–Individuals have ddramatically different comfort levels with talking about sex. –related to openness in family of origin.
-related to openness in family of origin(sex talk taboo) -natural avoidant and volatile tendencies -guilt and shame created by actions and or poor guidance -when the sexyal area is functioning well, often the rest of the relationship improve. The convers is also true -sex along with its natural result children are the only thing unique to a marriage relationship. |
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Cycle of growth and comfort:
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-Inner circle is life, routine, repeatable, comfortable, safe, couples spend 90% of time in this circle, cost is boredome and unresolved issues, if we spend all thime her it will most likely be terminated
-Risk: Saying something to make change. -When one person pushes you into growth circle you have no choice, will you avoid or push through anxiety and grow. -If you push through your anxiety you have to face something about yourself (self centered, not paying attention) -Sometimes when we realize what relationships ask of us, people will terminate relationship -After growth, you return to normal, stabilize except for your norm is now a little bit different. -What leads a person out of comfort cycle-NG, no guts no glory -Almost all couples spend most of the time in the comfort cycle, short bursts in growth -If one person risks the other has no choice but to spend at least a little time in the growth cycle -Avoidance is the natural tendency-overused it leads to termination -Anxiety is the result of risk. A persons capacity for managing anxiety is central (chronic acute anxiety, remember differentiation, learning to manage anxiety enough so growth can be achieved -commitment is key-your commitment to the relationship has to be stronger than your commitment to your personal views. |
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Cycle of Growth: Inner Circle
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life, routine, repeatable, comfortable, safe, couples spend 90% of time in this circle, cost is boredome and unresolved issues, if we spend all thime her it will most likely be terminated
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Cycle of growth: RIsk
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Risk: Saying something to make change.
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What leads a person out of comfort cycle
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NG, no guts no glory
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Growth Cycle: Anxiety
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the result of risk. A persons capacity for managing anxiety is central (chronic acute anxiety, remember differentiation, learning to manage anxiety enough so growth can be achieved
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Cycle of Growth: Commitment
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commitment is key-your commitment to the relationship has to be stronger than your commitment to your personal views.
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E.F. Schumacher on Convergent and Divergent Problems
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E.F. Schumacher: We were fixated on growth on a system that was closed (earth can only be so big). Wrote small is beautiful, against wal mart kind of things, big business. Started to focus on values about growth.
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Convergent issues
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are know how problems. How do we do things? How do successful couples argue? Etc. Convergent problems are those which can be solved through logic and reasoning and have solutions that can be written down and repeated in the future. These types of problems are matters of the mind and thinking rather than matters of the heart. (Scientific method)
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Divergent Issues:
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Divergent issues are know-why problems. Why do we do what we do? Why are we even in these relationships. Divergent problems are matters of the heart and of the mind. Divergent problems are based on our deepest values and convictions, our center. They are called higher order problems because they require a higher order of struggle thinking and feeling to figure out what is going to be done with the problems.
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Becoming a change Agent
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What do we know about effective change agents? 1. They care about people (are able to convey empathy as well). 2. They believe in the approach they use (its not the approach that matters but the belief in the approach) 3.They are able to keep sessions or programs structured. 4. They are able to keep attention and alliances balanced between both partners (can’t buy in to either positions fully).
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What do we know about programs that work?
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People carefully test what they do and make adjustments to improve their programs/approaches (feedback) –type of intervention matters less than the testing process (figuring what works best matches issue to person)-the best interventions occur early (as early as possible in the cycle, the best time is early on in the couples dating experiences. You want to catch transitions, at marriage, birth of child, child leaves home. Before the problem everything will work better)-They include attention to commitment issues (help couples be committed, what does commitment look like ect)-They include attention to conflict patterns-They include attention to connection between partners
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3 c’s of effective programs
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commitment, conflict,connection
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What are the impediments to improving our programs?-
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Programs are not based on solid research (people just start programs because they have a whim)-Programs are not based on sound theory-that includes convergent and divergent questions (how do couples look that are likely to divorce? How do problems develop? Why do couples develop these problems? What can we do to change these things?)- Programs do not use assessment that leads to treatment (change transmission even if they don’t need it) (first must know what the problem is, need to look car over carefully) especially important are evaluating what needs to be changed. Evaluating which couples are likely to benefit. Evaluating risk factors.-Programs are not replicable because they are based on talking rather than writing or some other form of intervention.-Programs are not evaluated (does the program work? What aspects of the program work? How long do that changes last? With what types of couples does the program work?
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1. Premortality-mortality : Growth cycle
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We were mighty daughters and sons of God. – We chose the growth cycle over the comfort cycle – We experienced great feelings of love –the veil was a gift from a generous God (blunts the pain of separation, makes avoidance impossible, allows us to forgive ourselves,
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Was Adam created or born?
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Formed from the dust of the earth.
Adam was created from the dust of the earth. We also are made from these elements. Within a mother’s womb the elements of the original cells are joined by other earthly components until a developed baby is born, Adam was created by the same natural means as we were created, he was born. |
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Us as offsprings of God
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The earth is in us and through us and we need to be the stewards and protectors of the earth.
-We are the offspring of God, physically and spiritually (Christ was only begotten of the father in the flesh, only one born in a temporal mortal situation) however we are still offspring of God. -When spirit infuses with matter it animates it and creates life. -When we come through this passage we are given a new name-Why? New beginning, birth,baptism,temple, marriage. Symbolizes movement and growth from one place to antoher |
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Aloneness and Togetherness: Adam and Eve
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Adam feels alone, He needs a connection. How does he get it? Another passage-a deep sleep to come upon adam-another death. (comparison to seeing your child be an adult, all of the sudden they look like an adult and it’s like you just woke up)
When he wakes up he finds-Another sex, eve Eve came from adam-They’re part of one another but only in their coming together are they whole. –Rib is the close to you as a thing can be, flesh of my flesh. –Rib bone closest to the heart,from head or foot superiority or inferiority, the rib is closest thing to you. Women are not from vehus and men are not from mars. They aer from kolob, we came from the same place and were made to come together. |
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The marriage vow, adam and eve
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man leave father and mother and cleave to his wife, they shall be one flesh: lord then commanded them to be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth.
We are leaving our parents-growing beyond them into something entirely new-a new earth-we are multiplying earths. |
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The choice: Adam and Eve
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The choice. Stay in paradise, the comfort cycle. Be cast outside of the comfort One brings knowledge, growth and experience. The other brings monotony but ease. What was God’s preference? God was also savoir when he had his mortal probation, he knew that as soon as he put breath into adam, what Christ was going to have to go through, the moment adam became animated Christ was sacrificed. Maybe “do not partake of the fruit, he meant exactly what he said”, he was trying to protect he loves us.
One person must make the choice to take the plunge-to leave our paradisiacal home and go out on our own. They partook. –Represent growth curve, one person decides and the other gets drug along. They gave up paradise for each other, I will partake, I will give up paradise for you. Was it worth it?Their eyes were opened-The awakening of all awakenings-They became capable of Eros,They became capable of knowledge,they became capable of suffering (sacrificing lamb), they became capable of sin. They became capable of redemption, When we have to select between two good choices, the most common type of choice, the better one will almost always be going with the choice that keeps us together in our relationships. |
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Cast out: ADam and EVe
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- Consequence of sin. When we transgress or sin this pushes us away from those we love-it is the only real death if we are not redeemed. This is why we suffer so much in this veil of tears. –So that we might know the unbearable pain of aloneness. This is why his spirit is poured out upon us. So that we might know the unspeakable joy of unity.
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WHat did God give adam and eve to survive the awful loss of paradise?
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Children,clothed them (made coats of skin for them to cover their nakedness)- Garments-carry a little of paradis with you Alma 46:24. Covenants-sacrifice- Awareness that growth comes from sacrifice, ability to sacrifice own will to forgive (they go together and make a strong relationship)each other-lots of time to get it right-usually-sweet doctrines of truth (sometimes when we ask with faith he will save us and heal us)the atonement (the one truth),
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4. The rebirth: Adam and EVe
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baptism, water, blood and the spirit, the spirit rejoicing
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The Final passage way: Death or life
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death or life (Can you learn to die beautifully?) If not you will die forever (death=permanent separation)-If so we will live forever together. I will love during this day as if it were my last, and if it is not I will fall on my knees and give thanks.
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The acronym for Huston’s research is PAIR. What does it stand for?
A. Partners’ Adaptation in Interpersonal Responses B. Processes of Acculturation in Interpersonal Relationships C. Participating in Adaptive Internal Relationships D. Processes of Adaptation in Interpersonal Relationships. E. Providing Adults with Increased Resilience. |
D. Processes of Adaptation in Interpersonal Relationships.
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Huston quotes Goode who says that lovers themselves like to romanticize publicly their irrationality, while mentally counting____
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Pennies
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If you only have one positive attribute or trait in marriage make it be _____
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Integrity
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The Savior names only one reason for divorce, what is it?
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Adultery or
Fornication |
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_____is a promise or vow of dedication or loyalty
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Commitment
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. In terms of how we see our partners, perceiving them realistically is the best True False
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False
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According to Huston, the two personality qualities that play an important role
in shaping the emotional climate of marriage are? |
Communal expressiveness
Trait anxiety |
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According to Huston, having a child leads to increased marital disenchantment.
A. True B. False |
FAlse
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. According to Huston, what distinguishes those who stay married from those who
don’t A. Antagonism that grows B. Neuroticism and Anxiety C. Loss of Love and Affection D. Stress E. Different Shoe Sizes |
C. Loss of Love and Affection
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1. When one person decides to risk in a relationship the other person can elect to stay in the safety circle and never leave it. True False
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False
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The two aspects of the comfort/safety cycle that lead to risk are?
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Boredom and Unresolved issues
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If a couple stays in the growth circle what are the sequence of responses after someone takes a risk
A. Anxiety, Avoidance, Growth B. Anxiety, Confrontation, Growth C. Self-Soothing, Growth, Termination D. Growth, Commitment, Trust |
B. Anxiety, Confrontation, Growth
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The comfort/safety cycle is where couples stay who do not fight or disagree much. True False
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False
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. What is the name of the flexible delivery relationship education program presented in Halford in his article
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Couple CARE
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In the chapter by Kass and Kass in Wing to Wing, The statement is made, individuals who individualistically keep their original ____ when entering a marriage are symbolically holding themselves back from the full meaning of the union.
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Name
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List three of the five general conditions necessary for intimacy discussed in class
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. Belief, Slow Pace, Privacy/Boundaries, Risk, Sustained Effort
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There are two types of anxiety that influence a person’s capacity to grow. What are they
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Chronic and Acute
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According to Halford in his article on the future of relationship education, programs that have been empirically evaluated typically consist of the following four components:
A. Awareness, education, skills training, evaluation B. Understanding, feedback, change, training C. Assessment, intervention, evaluation, maintenance D. Awareness, feedback, cognitive change, skills training |
D. Awareness, feedback, cognitive change, skills training
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Kierkegaard says that marriage is the __________ of time.
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fulness
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Halford discusses two types of predictors of relationship satisfaction and stability, ones that cannot be changed and ones that can be changed, what does he call these two types of factors?
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STatic and Dynamic
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According to Halford, “Self Regulation” means:
A. Trying to regulate your emotions. B. Trying to maintain a positive self-esteem C. Partners appraising what is happening in the relationship. D. Having clear goals about the relationship E. Self-directing personal change to improve the relationship. F. C,D, & E. |
F. C,D, & E.
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The three main components of Couple-Care are
A. videotaped vignettes, guidebook, phone calls from a psychologist B. Videotaped vignettes, group meetings, follow-up visits from psychologists C. Assessment, Intervention, Follow-up D. Group meetings, individual assignments, phone calls for follow-up. |
A. videotaped vignettes, guidebook, phone calls from a psychologist
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. Men did not improve their self-regulation scores after taking Couple Care. T F
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True
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According to Kierkegaard, those who do not marry should eventually be put into Custody
10. Kierkegaard says that a woman who is a wife and mother hovers like an angel over the |
ARk of the Covenant
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Stanley-Introduction up to Methods (not including Methods) Discussion up to Limitations
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because of the ways in which each contributes to a sense of safety--or lack there of--in intimate relationships. In this view, safety can be divided into two broad categories: Safety in interaction, and safety in commitment, or relationship security.”
“Partners who can handle conflict more constructively, with more positive communication, and less negative interactions, create an environment that allows for deeper levels of self-disclosure and acceptance of vulnerabilities which are central aspects of intimacy.” Hypothesis 1: Higher self report ratings of negative interaction will be associated with higher ratings on divorce potential and lower ratings of positive relationship factors. Hypothesis 2: Respondents that report that either partner tends to withdraw during conflicts will also rate their relationship as being characterized as being by greater levels of negative interaction, and lower levels of satisfaction, friendship, fun etc, in comparison to those relationships in which neither partner withdraws. Hypothesis 3: respondents of both genders would rate males as more likely than females to withdraw in arguments. Hypothesis 4: Subjects will report money as the number one content issue for starting arguments. Hypothesis 5: among subjects that report a specific issue as the number one argument starter those who report money will be no different from other subjects on reports of negative interaction, satisfaction, and divorce potential. Hypothesis 6: More committed subjects will report thinking less about what it would be like to be with a different partner, report feeling less trapped in their relationship, and report greater relationship satisfaction. Hypothesis 7: Married females will score higher than married males on overall commitment, and also that males would report more alternative monitoring behavior. |
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#34 Halford-Beginning up to the Method’s Section.
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Evaluates Couple CARE a flexible delivery relationship education program. Most programs right now focus on skill based therapy, most are also not tested. Most people don’t like face to face therapy, flexible delivery therapy is a therapy that has self directed access and ease of learning. It s good because it maximizes control of when, where and how they access material. Couple CARE stands for couple commitment and Relationship Enhancement. Based on skills based therapy, emphasiszes the development of effective couple communication, relationship commitment, realistic relationship expectations and shared positive couple time. Also includes relationship self regulation focus of the self prep. In each are partners evaluate current behavior identify goals for change and implememtn self change plans, thus encourages reflection, goal setting and self change. Consists of 3 components, video tape that presents ideas, a guidebook of tasks for couples to apply, telephone calls with a psychologist to review progress.
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#36 Halford
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¼-1/3 of couples are educated before married.Analyzing different couple education programs Many programs use inventory, 1. Assess relationship outcomes 2. Inventories provide opportunity for couples to assess the personal risk and resilence profiles. Weakness of skill training is reliance on self report. Entry into marriage is a good time to do couple education because couples often face significant trials in early marriage. average relationship satisfaction declines across the first
10 years of marriage, between 10% and 15% of couples separate within the first 3–4 years of, and 33% of couples divorce within 10 years of marriage average relationship satisfaction declines across the first 10 years of marriage, between 10% and 15% of couples separate within the first 3–4 years of marriage (Glenn; McDonald, 1995), and 33% of couples divorce within 10 years of marriage |
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Wing to Wing pp. 594-612.
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Only need two things to make a home: a bed and a table. They are the fundamental geographical divisions, chief places. Marriage is the bed: the untamability of romance, endless vision of beloved, We are defined by being confined, these physical things are where we play out our lives. Our lust is to be healed by being brought down to one bed, our savagery tamed by exchanges around one table. These places are how we are healed from the fall. Marriage gives us somewhere to be…
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