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177 Cards in this Set
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Lesson 3: What's RQ
*Distribute TEst your Love Smarts (Resource 3a) 1. Only one person for you-false-not attracted to just anyone but prbly will be attracted to more than one over lifetime |
2. Breaking up should be done slowly.... False-slowly drags out pain. "Brutualy honest" make clean break than give false hope. Don't have to be mean though
3. If feel chemistry-probably love....False...chemistry may get love started but real love based on knowledge and not just physical |
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4. if find right person=happy...true and false....human happiness-finding someone to love and make a life with Problems will not just vanish though.
*"You" make you happy. No one can give you an identity, sense of self worth, or purpose. |
*Often good healthy relationships happen when two happy, whole people come together
5. Opposites attract....true and false...common for 2 ppl in relationship to have different personalities...personality style inventories\ |
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*Buttt great relationships built on common ground..similar values, interests, goals
*Makes for good compatibility 6. Happy couples-fewer differences and argue less/unhappy...false |
6 (cont.) Resource- happy couples fight just as much unhappy ones.
*HOW they fight that matters. Happy couples-learn to handle conflicts positively and effectively NOT destructively-name calling, physical assault, etc |
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CAUTION: romantic relationships-should be mostly fun.
*more fighting, sadness, problems than fun sign that not worth it. 7. On avg.-ppl have 1 serious relationship before marriage....false |
7 (cont). On average people have six to seven romances before marriage.
8. Living together before marriage is a good way to reduce your chances of divorce in future..false Data shows-non engaged couple who live together have higher rates of divorce than those who |
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don't co-habitat
3.2 Relationship Pyramid *Intro: How many want a bad relationship? (Show of hands) Bad marriage?? (show hands) *Not many hands up...most ppl want good relationship-someone to spend life with |
*Let's think about what goes into great relationship, great marriage for that matter.
*Group brainstorm Key ingredients (good relationship)?...... *group reads ingredients they listed |
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*(Target 15-20 words)-write as list on flip-chart
*Include, communication, common interests, fun, attraction, friendship, respect, trust, sharing, feelings physical affection, love, commitment, honesty, chemistry, values, loyalty, reliance. *Sex-married couples want good sex life |
*Pyramid -3 levels
*top-mature *middle-deepening and developing *bottom-positive starters *Positive starters + Developed slowly= very stable relationship Intro: Pyramid diagram represents good relationship |
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*must have strong foundation, strong layers-structure stands
*good relationships do not just appear out of thin air *Start and develop with time *relationships.marriages with shaky foundation-don't have basics for healthy relationship *Often don't last-unhealthy, dissatisfying |
*Say: Build a positive relationship pyramid together
*As I talk about each level we will take words from our previous list and place them in appropriate levels. |
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*POSITIVE STARTERS: what sort of qualities/potential ingredients for healthy relationship would look for when starting relationship?
*Starter qualities-leave you feeling good about person you are choosing to spend time with *These ingredients-begin to form foundation |
**Don't move forward without good strong relationship positive starters
Questions to ask: 1. What ingredients start of a relationship? 2. What ingredients tell you this might be someone you want to develop relationship? |
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3. What ingredients would lay basis for the start of a healthy and enjoyable relationship?
4. What ingredients would tell you this relationship is healthy now? Ingredients: Common interests, fun, conversation, likable personality, sense of humor, friendship, physical attraction |
*DEEPENING AND DEVELOPING: In this type/relationship, qualities will be more meaningful and stakes higher
*How much know about partner? *Can trust or rely on person? *Values, goals, priorities same? |
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* Mutual support for e/others goals
*Learning more about this person *QUESTIONS TO ASK: 1. Which words could represent deepening and developing relationship |
2. What qualities would be important if you want to further develop relationship
QUALITIES INCLUDED: Trust, respect, reliance, being known as couple, physical attraction, common values, support, honesty MATURE: to be at this level both partners equally into the reltionship |
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Mature (cont)-Qualities in this level should require commitment and a decisions.
KEY QUESTIONS: What ingredients go in this top layer? -What qualities are important enough to need the support of the other in order to stand strong? -What qualities would you want in a relationship that might last a long while, even a lifetime? |
-What qualities would you want in a relationship that might last a long while, even a lifetime?
*QUALITIES INCLUDED:Unconditional love, commitment, engagement, marriage *Because this is where commitment and decision takes place, this level should be where physical expression of love takes place |
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*To express love physically, need strong foundation such as provided by: unconditional love and marriage
*All qualities of strong relationship are the support @ mature level @End: This is a great healthy relationship *Great way to avoid becoming attached to someone who is bad match |
Activity: Inverted Pyramid
*Going to look at relationships that people often have-wrong foundation *Start with sex, based on sex-just like media *question: On average, how often do couples wait before having sex? |
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*Some ppl wait till marriage-some do not
*How long? *What do you see or hear from media? ...(Responses) *Display inverted triangle with "Sex" @ bottom *For god # of ppl-sex happens early in relationship |
*Two ppl-attracted and quickly sexually involved
*No time to see if person has positive ingredients *Say: "Here is the problem" NEXT LEVEL: One sided *One sided-meant something only to one person |
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*One sided -after sex one person thought it meant something-genuine interest, relationship, or even love
*Other person does not think it meant anything *NEXT LEVEL: Communication-Not so great *After few weeks or months, couple finds communication not good |
*no honest sharing of feelings
*never talk about whats important or whats going on w/them *one partner-shuts down clams u *One partner-feels only time real show of interest i when about to have sex |
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*Coupe argues and fight a lot
NEXT LEVEL: Few common interests: time together not much fun. *Really not many common interests and things enjoy doing together *Very different interests, values, priorities in life |
*Relationship-about sex and not about having fun in a lot of different ways
NEXT LEVEL: Doesn't feel like a friend. **Friend-someone who shows interest in you, happy to see you. Freely share thoughts/feelings with. Have good time. Supports you-has your back |
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NEXT LEVEL: You have no commitment, No Trust
Forget it! *Trust does not exist *Maybe someone was cheating *REVIEW PYRAMID ON SIDES OF PYRAMID-words Not really mature, No Positive Starters, No Development, No Real Foundation |
*Conclusion-So, you see, if someone feels disappointed, confused even burned by relationship,
pyramid explains why *relationship lacked some of basic building blocks *Couple become involved too quickly and deeply, had process backwards |
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*Are real benefits to going slowly in order to know someone
* see if they have the basic ingredients *develop relationship *go slow with physical affection can help relationship develop |
*smart to wait on decisions about sex until one is in better position to look at where his or her life is going and with whom they want to spend their life with
*Sex can fool a person (or 1 partner)-into thinking more to relationship |
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*Really want to know if someone is genuine-friend, trust, enjoy company, communicate, feelings are mutual-if it really is love-don't be sexually active and see how long relationship lasts.
*Focus-getting to know someone. Not sexual relationship |
*go over-info all teens should know (pg. 61)
* 3.3-Infatuation-Those Fabulous Chemicals That Can Fool You Say: Clearly, feelings and emotions of romantic attractions great *Powerful, exciting, very pleasant experience |
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*Many do not realize-change in brain chemistry during this period (Infatuation stage)
*Feel giddy with excitement, energy. As if under spell-drug effect *Altered state of consciousness *Contact w/person you like-brain fills with amphetamine-like neurotransmitters tht trigger side effects |
*delightfully positive attitude, increased energy, decreased need for sleep, loss of appetite
*effect produces euphoria* and exhilaration *drug state *Can keep you from understanding relationship objectively "clearly" |
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*Falling in love with a puppy example-cute, cuddly-work, mean, etc.
*big shot of these chemicals in first weeks and months of relationship *first 3-9 months might not see very clearly |
*Don't do or decide anything during tht time might later regret
*"Love chemicals"-keep you from seeing prblm behaviors *"Love is blind" |
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*infatuation is strong
*infatuation-gets love going but is not love initially * First step of love, but not love itself *Can grow into love *can fade as fast it rises though-take your time |
*....InFATuation illustration
*Good example of early infatuation in relationship *Heart is FAT with fascination for person *"Falling in love"-pot of beans example *liquid bubbles with energy and excitement |
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*can't see whats cooking inside
*...Infatuation is fun and exciting-but can be one sided, imaginary, and fluctuating *Can last an hour, week, months -infatuation may attract you to someone but when discover tht person is not who you assumed, infatuation disappears |
*wise advice-enjoy those wonderful feelings
*real and powerful *do not read too much into them *brain being saturated with "love chemicals" *Enjoy chemistry, don't slide into situation might regret |
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*Takes time to know person
3.4 Infatuation vs. Love *Say-do activity that helps us understand difference between infatuation and love in relationships *Distribute Infatuation and Love cards (Resource 3d) |
(*#10 cards as ex.)
*(Infatuation & Love #1-5 one side of room) *6-9 on other side of room *Directions: Find statement that reads opposite of what you have |
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*Only look at opposite colors
*Pink-infatuation Red-love *Read #10 example Ask: Have you seen examples of infatuation #10? *Have teens circulate *As teens find matches give them Infatuation-Love Match WS (Resource 3b) |
*After all matches found teens review matches as group-students share in OWN words
* |
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6.1 The High Risk "Sliding" Approach
QUESTIONS: *How many know someone who got involved with someone and then later regretted it? *Plenty of ppl (all ages) who got involved with poor partner choice..later realize relationship not what they wanted |
*May be dissapointed w/ how the relationship going or regret they ever got involved
* Today explore how and why this hppns *2 approaches to handling attractions-1: Sliding ( high risk). #2: "Deciding" (Low risk) |
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*High risk or "sliding" greatly increases person's chances of getting involved w/someone who is poor match
*power point (Sliding image) *Ask: Wht do you notice about this image? |
*High risk!
*"Sliding" into a relationship. 2 ppl attracted to each other. *on top of mountain and jump on sled to slide down *blindfolded-don't know e/other well |
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*Risky! Could easily hit rocks and trees
*Rock=issues and risks arise *Some rocks bigger/more danger than others *Image=risks of sliding into romantic or sexual involvement quickly |
*Slide 8 (Risks of sliding)
*Rocks and trees- represent some of risks or consq. of sliding into relat. w/little knowledge *Read list of possible issues 1 or both partners may find AFTER becoming involved: *On PowerPoint...different interests etc... |
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*Notice that prblms/risks on top half are things tht do not usually carry high-risk conq.
*..if couple is not too deep involved *At tht point-not big deal to part ways *BUT if couple deep into it-more risks involved |
*More physical involvement-attach girl/guy to relationship
*sex is often like "glue" -especially for females *Females-emotions, read into it when it comes to physical affection |
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*Hurts-doesn't mean the same to other person
*Guys not immune either *ASK: Which risks most significant? Answer: Abusive relationship, STD, Pregnant, baby, Being on own to raise child |
*more serious-long term
*Cant drop that person-always going to remember them *Pregnancy/baby-most serious...don't just involve the teen *Also involve child-didn't ask to be born |
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*(Tattoo slide)
*Person can "slide" into poor choice and "dump" that person. "but, if choice involves sex and child results-child has no choice *Parent is child's parent for life-ready or not |
*children of teen parents more likely to:
-birth defects -die before 1 yrs old -emotional/behavioral prblms -poor performance in school -live in poverty -in trouble w/aw later on -have child as teenager |
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*These statistics not concrete though
*No child-destined for these outcomes *Path for teen parents and children very hard! *Conclusion: Real risks attached to "sliding" w/attractions and relationships. |
*Don't know person well and may not know self either
* may not have clarified* (clear) own values and learned how to use them in making decisions *(Go to "sliding" model again) *Love chemicals-flooding brain when first "like" someone |
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*Make it easy to move too quickly-decisions later regret
*These chemicals can be intense for 3-9 months. Cloud visions and judgement *Read "Young Father's Testimony (Resource 6c)... |
*...This piece real-life ex.
*written by a young father who talks about sliding into a relationship and ending up with a baby girl *Explain consequences of "sliding" *(Quick reaction time) |
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6.2 The Low-Risk "Deciding" Approach
*Ask teens to focus on slide 13 (Low-risk deciding approach) *We are now going to describe a diff. way to handle attractions and make relationship decisiosn. *Low-risk deciding approach |
*Group notice 1st column labeled "Attraction"
*When attracted to someone-feelings can be intense and exciting *Turned on, feel desire-keep it light *Actually do fun things *Watch movies, -DON'T just make out and be along a lot |
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*Can lead to going further than you want
*Do things w/friends *POINT OUT Learn More about Each Other *Low -risk approach is to take time when with someone new *Discover common interests-similar values |
*In time-become evident if you like person-find e/other interesting, communicate, have fun
*Good personality *Detect problem behaviors *Taking it slow-character and conscience *POINT 3RD-DEcide |
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*After spending time together-ask yourself if want to take to romantic level
*Exclusive *Thinks about both of your feelings for e/other-sincere? -mutua,? Ready to say I love you? |
Ready to call them bf/gf? (known as a couple)
-prepared for what relationship means? -4th column-STEP -Once you know where stand, can decide (step..not slide) into relationship *clarify your values |
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*boundaries-Discuss issues fully
*same page-level of physical attraction *Plan to stay true to boundaries *Ex:decided to not spend lots of time alone together *plan fun things in public. w/friends |
*ask yourself if partner respects values, honor the plan
*Setting limits before getting involved in relationship or (caught in heat of moment) can help you think clearly about values and goals beforehand. |
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*influence success in achieving healthy relationships and also goals in life
*important to clarify and set boundaries before values compromised (before beginning new romantic relat.) *Even if get caught in heat of moment once, can always take step back and determine new boundaries |
*Each day-opp. to reconsider personal choices and do things differently
*Value and intentions NOT ENOUGH-have to have plan *concrete (solid) strategy (plan of action/ decision) and personal rules on touch and how much time to spend alone-kissing |
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*Here suggestions from older teens:
1. Be clear in own mind-sexual boundaries (Don't wait til hot and heavy) 2. Talk and agree w/ e/other beforehand-where draw the line 3. limits on how much alone time |
4. Don't put self in risky situations-likely to cross boundaries. Alone watching movies etc.
5. No alcohol or drugs-impair (or lower) your decision making skills. Cloud judgement *Teens consider first col mun: DISCUSS (slide 15) |
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*Final column labeled DISCUSS
*column about discussing and deciding on deeper commitment *commitment- more important-older *think beyond high school and goals and dreams |
*few high school romances are permanent
*have to decide-going to be committed (closing off some options) or open self to new experiences as leave high school *Are you ready for commitment? |
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6.3 Getting to know Someone: Attractions and Compatibility
*Personal Ads *Say: Activities to help you avoid sliding-and really get to know someone interested in *Help us make wise decisions-before get in relat. |
*If we move too fast w/someone-don't' get to see if we're compatible
*compatible-common/similar values and interests (Pyramid) *QUESTIONS: Ever read personal ads in paper? |
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*How much do they reveal about who person really is?
*I have some here to look at *Look at slide 21 (Ex: Personal ads) *have volunteers read ads- *ASK (briefly): Reveal who a person really is |
*Aside from looks, would it really help someone looking for good match?
*Have teens do the questionnaires: (WHO AM I and ATTRACTIONS slide 18-20) *Say: This will help you create own ad |
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*Who am I-briefly describe who you are-good and difficult qualities.
*Be specific-no physical qualities *"Who I'd like to date"-list thins that you would look for in gf/bf *List things not acceptable |
*Don't focus on physical
*Make honest and real *Read examples (slide 22) *have teens write-few volunteers share *ASK: Why is it it important in relationship to reveal truth about yourself and expectations for other person? |
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*6.4: Getting to know Someone:communication and Conflict
* Two volunteers to perform role playing *Jalousy (Resource 6k) **INTRO: Conflict activity: help focus on what is important in comunication *Skils for handling disagreemtns-important for good relationshsip *Conflict-noraml even in life *must learn how to handle and grow from difernces |
*Conflict only prblm-when not dea with in positvie manner
*2 poor ways of handling conflict: 1. Aggressiveness (You better do what I say or you'll be sorry!" 2. Avoidance: (say) "I don't want to talk about it. I have to go now." |
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*(Write "Aggressiveness" and "Avoidance" on flipchart/board and continue w/points:
*Slide 24: ASK: *Why are these two extremes not helpful in resolving conflict? *What are some reasons that being aggressive in relationships can cause problems? |
*What are some reasons that avoiding disagreements in a relationship can cause problems?
*Better way to handle conflic-1 partner epxress their feelings directly.calmly |
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*Ex: (slide 25) “When you don’t listen to what I have to say, it upsets me because I wonder if you really care about me. Sometimes I feel like you think what I say is stupid.”
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* Slide 26: A better way of handling
conflict is to reply directly and calmly: “So when you are talking to me about something that matters to you, you worry that your feelings |
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don’t matter to me or that I think they’re dumb. Is that what you feel?”
*Listener paraphrases what other person said *they asked-is that what you said *ACTIVITY: Jealousy role-plays |
*Say: Now going to listen to role play w/fictional charc Mike and Tiffany-jeaousy
*2 volunteers (previously picked) (Resource 6k) *INRTO TO PLAY:Mike and Tiffany have been hanging out a lot and Mike assums they are only dating e/other |
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*one afternoon, Mike srprised to see Tiffany tlkng to guy he doens't know at her lcoker
*Then that weekend he sees Tiffany smiling and waving at this scene guy at her softball game *Follow up QUESTIONS: How does Mike feel? How does Tiffany feel? |
*how is Mike handling his ffelings?
*How is he behaving? *how is Tiffany handling feelings? _How she behaving? *How might handling prblsm this way affect relationshisp? |
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How shoudl Mike and Tiffany handle their prblm if wat to have good reationship?
*NEXT: 2 more volunteers to act situation if... *mike was clam and direct w/ his concersna dn Tiffany listened and repeatd w/understanding |
*Describe same situation:
*Say: Mike and Tiffany have been hanging out a lot and Mike assums they are only dating e/other*one afternoon, Mike srprised to see Tiffany tlkng to guy he doens't know at her lcoker *Then that weekend he sees Tiffany smiling and waving at this scene guy at her softball game |
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**Actors act
*AFTER: Ask: How was this second role play better? *Has anyone evr been in similar situation where partner or parent jumped to conlcusion? *How did you hadnle it? *Say: "How a situation is handled can make big difference!" |
*Pp tend to put best foot forward @ beg. of reationship
*How they act in longrun-true test of charc. *time-shows persons real intent, commun. and how handle conflict |
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*if communication/conflict skills lacking..work on them!
*partnr shld NOT be resistnat to building and iprovig these conflict management skills *poor communication can ruin relationships |
*Remember: Beg.--happy couples have arguments too but its how you handle them!
* |
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*6.5 Getting to know Someone: Fmly and Relatiosnship Paterns (slide 27)
*INTRO: ANYONE heard of term "emotinoal baggage?" * What does it mean? *"Beggage"-assume bad but can be ANYTHING- negative issues from past w/ parents, freinds, etc OR...close family, drug-free friends, good dating experiences |
*Next ctivity-show importance of getting to kniw person and fmaily/background and past friend/ relatiosnhisp patterns
*Script: *2 ppl-both bring baggae-good and bad from reltionships *By looking @ own baggage, work to strenghten god and cahnge problematic *Can have healthier relaitonships |
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*Learn about partner's baggage-important
*Can't change/FIX baggae/oerson's past *Can only change yourself *Look at other perons's baggage-learn a lot *Ex: Person has had difficult time being loyal and regularly cheated..likely that may do smae to you |
*JUST because person has baggae-doens't mean doomed to fail
*Means: baggage can pose challenge/difficiulties to relaitonshisp *Sometimes, bad baggage not a big deal |
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*Ex: Date someon who doens't get laong w/sibling but never around that sibling-not an issue
*Sometimes person aware of baggage and trying to change *Wise to know person, ackground, bagage, before get serious *Takes time-see them in diff settings (school, w/friends, w/family) |
*ACTIVITY:
-3 volunterrs-bag holders (Good baggae, bad, could-be-good or bad) *5-8 exmaples of all-give to students -Student reads -Class decides where it goes-student palces in bag. -Why? |
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*AT End: REview Could be good ro bad cards
*Ask teens: Which "bad baggage could you never deal with?" Why or why not? *Diff. people have differnt opinions on what is good/bad baggae |
*Some bad baggae may mes sup relationsiip-all bagage matters
*conlusion: Good to know whether partner is aware of their bagage and works to make positive change |
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*Can't change people
*Be aware of own baggage *Everyone brings baggage into relaitnoship *Takes while to learn a peron's bagge-take time before get serious *See how it works with you |
6.6: Getting to Know Someone: Character and Conscience (Slide 28)
*Next activity-character and conscience *Prson w/mature conscience-inner urge to do right not wrong *What behavior does person w/mature conscience dispaly? |
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*Relate characrersitics on slide 30;
-does righ ttheing no one looking -Honest even when lying easiest way out -REsponsible-put of immediate plaeasure *Considerate of other's feelings |
*Fair-follows rules even when cheating option
*Kind and giving *Person considered have "Good character" when acts upon his or her conscience to make wise choices *Good to consider OWN level of character and conscience |
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*take time to stop, think and evaluate how one behaves in e/area
*SAY: Ask yourself: what would do if:... Salesperson behind counter in store gave you extra dollars by mistake _Pretend like didn't' notice-take it _Let salesperson know-give money back _...would matter if $2 or $20? |
-how would not returning money affect salesperson? ..money usually taken out of cashiers check
_Conscence guids your behavior when you ar eonly one who will know what you did _What woudl happen if everyone knew what you did? _What ifff-hold up window to perosns and see into their conscience-true character |
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*in next activity, draw on Window of Conscience worksheet (Resource 6o)
-window of consciousness qactvity? (pg 162) -We do not have windows to show us what ppl like on inside |
*takes time to discover what persons conscience looks like
*listen to what ppl say and do/relationships *Taking time to get to know someone-help you make right choice in choosing partner |
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*decide if want ot get more serious
*have t o learn: -person's personality, values, interests -how handle conflict -how handled past relationships and how treat friends/family -How treat you and other ppl-caring, kindness, honesty |
*Getting to know these things-
*how you DECIDE and not SLIDE into relationship |
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6.7- Taking Steps Wisely
-now, chance to apply what they've learned to own life *Locate Taking Steps Wisely and "Making DEcisiosn Rather than sliding in workbook -Taking steps and making decisisoin (romantic relationships) requires consideration |
*WB appication-help teens consider whats important in making relatiosnhsip decisions
*READ list of possible steps from WB tht person could make decisiosn about *Ask students-circle 4 *Answer questions in WB |
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*Example: Deciding to take it to romantic level
*considerations that might apply:: 1. Ask self: Really have strong feelings for this person and mutual? 2. know this person well enough and long enough to have feel for who they are-compatibility, how much like being together |
3. Ready to be exclusive?
4. Risk-if didn't work out could you go back to being just friends? Better as friendship? is tht risk okay? *conlusions: We want to decided not slide so knowing these things can help us |
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*8.1: Breaking up" is it time?
-Teens can break up for many reasons-maybe unhealthy relationship -BUT teens are growing, changing, figuring out who they arre-development reflected in changing relationships |
*Lesson will offer tips on how to break up
*help you get out of relationships smoothly, w/little conflict possible -many teens dont have relationsihps in HS and thts fine-can use this info later in life |
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*Activity: break up Songs:
*What are reasons for break up (in songs?) *What is happeneig? *How is person handling break up? *ACtivity:Stay together or break up |
*Say: I am going to read number of different situations
*As group: decide if situation is worth breaking up *Read each one-group gives thumbs up-stay together..or thumbs down *Situations: (Slide 7) 1. Partner lies to you a lot- |
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*..in public treats you well but ignores you in private
2. Partner nice but you've started to like someone else....(as young person figuring out who you are...diff. relationships...normal and natural to decide his is not who you want to be w/and move on. But in future-ex marriage-commitment means not acting on every whim and fancy) |
3. Decided to date partner because you wanted to have bf/gf but doesn't feel right. Awkward and wish you were free
4. Feelings have changed-just don't feel same about person anymore. Few things in common 5. Fighting more and more and unable to talk it out |
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6. Partner feels much much more strongly about relationships. Pushing for level of commitment you're not ready for. You like them..but not in same way
7. Feel smothered by relationship and unable to do things you want 8. Don't feel can be yourself-pressured to be |
...someone your're not
9. Want partner to stop using drugs/alcohol-refuses -AFTER: Can anyone think of other reasons why someone would break up? *(Present some common reason for breaking up:) |
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1. Feelings change: -"love chemicals settle down. See person clearly. learn true character, interests, values etc.
-Not good fit 2 Expectations differ: Sexual behvior, drugs, alcohols. -Different priorities-school, goals |
3. One-sided: one person feels stifled. not ready for certain level of commitment
-doesn't want to be exclusive |
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8.2: Better and Worse Ways to Break Up
*Brainstorm: Quickly identify some really bad ways to break up *Write answers on flip chart: Answers: (slide 10) |
*Get a friend to tell him or her.
Wait for a fight and then blame it on him or her. -Do things to make him or her break up with you. -Be nasty to him or her in front of your friends. |
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-Just ignore him or her in the hopes he or she will get the message.
-Start dating his or her best friend. -Break up by sending a text message. *Ask how teens feel about these statements: |
1. id' still like to see you and go out as friends. I just don't want to go steady anymore
2. i really like you but I need some time to think about our relationship (Do these statements beat around the bush?) |
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*Answer: 2 statements just cover ups for truth. "I'm just not that into you."
-Giving false hope -Lacks honesty/integrity -Heightens other person's embarrassment/pain |
*If one person still desires relationships just "being friends" can be torture
*Once decide time to break up, have to do it *be direct *Being honest does'nt have to be mean |
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*Break up tips: (Slide 11)
1. Talk to trusted friend/adult: -discuss reasons not working -person keep quiet 2. Pick time/place: -private |
-safe place
-don''t tell person right before big event-game, talent show, vacation, big test etc -friday after school, saturday-grades 3. Make clean break -spell it out clearly -no mixed messages -"I want to break up. This reltionship is over" -I do not have the same feelings anymore. i do not "love/like" you as a bf/gf |
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4. Have method to avoid cruelty
-include in convo what you like and appreciate about person -point out strengths -no false hope either -start with good. End clearly w/bad, Relationship over. |
*Distribute Break Up Tips (Resource 8a) for teens to keep
-Can give out Surviving a Break Up handout (8b) on reverse side |
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8.3 Moving Ahead After a Breakup
*Tips to person who's been dumped *After breakup-good to have healthy reality check *Most people experience heartbreak-teen/young adult *Tip to deal w/broken heart-send yourself right messages |
*At first, natural to feel very strongly
*Go ahead and cry-release emotions, anger, etc *Pick someone to lean on-trust *if still depressed several months later-see counselor to help deal with emotions |
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*(Slide 12)
1. Face reality: Don't try to win person back -Can't force relationship -Don't be thirsty 2. Don't blame yourself: Many reasons why relat. end -make list of positive qualitites -work to make changes |
* want partner who admires, recognizes you and qualities-accepting
*make list of what you want in a partner *What can you learn from this relationship? |
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3. stay away from revenge game-forget about getting even
4. Get perspective: most ppl have 6-7 romances before finding mr/ms, right. normal part of life. -E/relationship-grow wiser, more understanding about yourself. What you are looking for, and how relationship should be |
5. Beware of rebounding: don't hop into another relationships right away
-Give self time 6. Get busy: -take up hobby-run, walk, ski, play ball, skate, sports, Do something physical everyday-relase tension. Endorphines |
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*7. Get going with life:
-Call friends and make plans Don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself. 8. Remember things get better with time |
8.4: Eary Warning Signs and Red flags:
-Talk about abuse and many forms it can take -verbal, emotional, sexual *Some do not realize in an abusive relationships *Activity-red flags |
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*two-phase activity will make teens aware of signs of dating abuse-early warning signs
*intro: some young people, relationships that not helahty *Abusive, unsafe |
*Do not understand these bahviors are damaging and wrong
*Important skill to have: ability to recognize abusive behaviors -Recognize early signs *deeper relationships gets into abusive patterns-more difficult to get out |
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*Activity-determine if relationship behavior is a Warning Sign/Red Flag or an It Depends.. white Flag situation
*Use Warning Signs card (Resource 8d) (Divide class in 2 teams) *2 lines behind table *Two students each (hands clasped) *Keep track of which team winning |
*Read card
*I must put up pointer finger before they answer-or they lose *students grab correct flag *Correct-student keeps card. one point *Draw-go to next card w/same ppl |
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*1st person to draw is wrong-no points. Corect answer. Next pair.
*Continue until finished w/all cards they got wrong *winning team |
*Activity 2: Discussion "it Depends" Situations
*ASK: Teens who holding question mark flag "it depends" to read statement aloud *ASK: What would make it crossing the line? Response *What would make it okay? |
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*pg 214-examples
Conclusion: *Text messaging, phone, internet messaging, etc have only increased opportunities for controlling behavior *REcent survey-high number of teens in relationships felt controlled through cell phones and internt |
*Received 10,20, 30 texts/hour-partner demanding to know where and what doing
*Behavior defintiely cotrolling! *REd flag! *good to know warning signs-avoid getting deep w/potentially abusive partner |
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8.5 Choose REspect Video
*13 min video-testimony (stories) pf teens tht have been in abusive relationships *CDC (Choose Respect) website |
*Processing questions (Slide 14)
*When you are in a dating relationship, how do you expect the person to treat you? *How do you treat the person you are dating? *What are some signs that a dating partner is not respecting you? What would you do if a dating partner was not respecting you? |
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*Why are jealousy and obsession sometimes confused with love and caring?
* Why are jealousy and obsession not part of real love? *What are things you could do if a person was verbally/emotionally abusive toward you? |
*What are things you could do if a person was physically abusive toward you?
*What are some ways to avoid getting into an abusive dating relationship in the first place? |
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8.6 Drawing the Line of Respect
*Get 2 volunteers (boy, girl) to act out scenario from Draw the Line Demonstration script (Resource 8g) *Ask them to read over and be ready *INTRO: *role play for practice in responding to |
disrespectful situations
*Abusive relationships d not arise out of nowhere-disrespectful behavior first *unhealthy relationships and there are abusive relationships *some abusers do anything- |
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life-threatening vilence to killing to keep partners from leaving
*Person never more in danger than when trying to leave abusive partner *DAting vilence often traced to 1st time one partner disrespectful to other |
*"Draw the line of respect" the first time it happens
*SAy: We'er going to create series of skill drills to get practice setting boundaries in real situations *Line of REspect (Slide 16) -Here:Couple in relationship |
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One side-disrespect. Other side-Murder!!
-Dangerous love starts w/ put-downs, criticisms, direspectful comments, behaviors that undermine confidence,sense of worth -progress gradulaly-bad arguments, controlling, pushing, shoving, hitting, serious battering |
*serious physical harm
*Each year 1,500 (mostly women) killed by intimate partners (spouses, ex spouses, bf, gf) -this is why we did red flags activity earlier-issue! -REcognize erly warning signs |
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*Some people unaware or make excuses-"they didn't mean it!"
*Ge deeper into relationshsip-harder to get out *"Draw the line-1st sign of disrespect warning sign |
-Disrepsect and abuse- not healthy
*Activity *intro: volunteers are going to demonstrate 2 situations were one person is Aggressor and other is boundary setter. *instructir-narrator *Before begin read actual statement fro 24 woman |
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*" Would you start a relationships if you knew the end result would be your own murder? Starting a new relationships is always exciting, but sometimes the relationships can start to go wrong, you and your partner do not see eye to eye, or whatever. But, it may be that there are no warning signs.
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i had a friend that was in an abusive relationship. i sort of knew it, but didn't say much. She once asked me if I thought her bf was cheating on her. I replied by saying no, when in my heart I knew he was. She was killed by her bf shortly after we talked. Sometimes we re unable to see the truth when we
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are in "love." If you see a friend in a bad relationships, speak up when you have the chance to because you never know what tomorrow brings. I wish i could go back in time and tell my friend to get out of her abusive relationship, but I can't now and she is gone forever. Megan
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*This testimony speaks to importance of being able to recognize disrespectful and abusive behaviors and learning how to assert ones self.
**group will practice these assertiveness skills. *Watch role play where one person-Agressor Other person: Boundary-setter |
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*in 2st scenario: Boy will be aggressor. Girl-boundary setter
*Two volunteers will take turns w/these roles *(Resource 8g) *pg 219-review Narator's part |
*2nd demonstration...Girl-aggressor
*Read narrators part! *Activity:Skill drills *Say: now going to break into pairs ad receive similar script cards *Distribute Draw the Line Skill Drill cards (Resource 8i) |
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*One person-aggressor. Other person..Boundary-setter
*TASK: Youth should read conversation & pretend its and hour later and pick up convo-adding own words. *Boundary-Setter starts |
*Point is to come to agreement
*Be to the point and respectful *Goal: Place of agreemnt or understanding about establishsing boundary lines, how to deal w/suspicions, and deal with upset/hurt feelings |
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*Other suggestions:
*Aggressor should apologize *E/person should be a good listener *One person talks-other person listens! *Raise hand if need help/qurestions |
*(Allow 5-10 mins for this)
*questions: Were any aggressors able to apologize for the behaviors used initially? *(have one group demonstrate conversation) |
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*Conclude:
*Important to insist that you are spoken to respectfully. *Important that you are treated as equal *your thoughts, opinions, concerns matter! |
*Abuse or disrepsect not acceptalbe-verbal, physical, sexual
*Goal-stop disrespect when it first starts-role play ex. *Both of you could have problems w/disrespect and verbally or physically abuse one another |
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*research: lower the tolerance of bad behavior at be. of relationship..happier and more successful the couple will be in long run
*"Don't start it if you don't wanna finish it" |
87: Dating safely and helping a friend:
*Distribute "Dating Safely" handout (Resource 8k) *Go through points and discuss *AFTER: There is a hotline number anyone can call at any time |
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*National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline (TEENS WRITE DOWN) 1-866-331-9474
*hotline attendants will answer questions and offer advice/help *www.loveisrespect.org |
*HOMEWORK OR OPTIONAL ACTIVITY
*Handout Dangerous Love (Resource 8j) *Say: 2 types of domestic violence (physical/emotional) *INSTRUCTIONS: Draw line down middle of sheet of paper-column for e/type violence |
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*As we read-for each type of violence/write down points and details for each type of violence (Write on flip chart too)
*Conclusion: *Argument that get PHYSICAL-common-done by men and women |
*females more likely to be injured
*can be dangerous or deadly *may not be able to talk through it-communication skills ineffective *be aware. nip it in the bud. |
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*Other form of vioelnce-intimate terrorism
*intimate terrorism-power and control *typically increase in intensity and frequency *almost exclusively by males *done w/emotinal abuse-designed to render female powerless |
*Female-most @ danger when trying to leave intimate terrorist
*may need police intervention, not anger.comunication skills |
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*9.1 What to Keep, What to Leave Behind: Patterns Learned Growing up
*Intro: Going to discuss communication patterns learned in family *if have lived w/diff, families/people-focus on people who had biggest influence on you-remember the msot |
*Intro: As discussed, communication is very important
*building and maintaining HEALTHY relationships (research shows) *key part in feeling connected to ppl *Everyone has communication patterns-some good some bad-aggravate diffciult experiences |
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*Good patterns can be learned,
*Skills for improving bad comm. patterns :-) *Patterns ppl experience growing up- greatly affect communication patterns today *As young adults, you should look seriously at family patterns and decide what positive paterns of communication to keep |
*and what harmful ones to leave behind and change
*ASK teens to locate "Communication Patterns. "What to Take. What to Leave in WB *INSTRUCTIONS: *check responses that describe experience *(When done: Have teens check 3 most important patterns and 3 most destructive patterns) |
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*FOLLOW UP DISCUSSION:
*Ask teens: Which patterns most important to healthy families? ...-which destructive? -(Discuss why) |
*Conclusion:
*humans are not born knowing how to communicate-something you learn *can unlearn negative patterns. *replace w/postiive patterns |
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*in this chapter we will learn what good communication patterns are
*Learn skills to improve communication |
*Being human means-can choose to change
*1st: most become aware of what is positive. What is negative *Create visiosn in mind-what want to work towards *in relationship-want to discuss history of family patterns- *discuss ones you think are harmful and want to avoid |
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(optional Media)
9.2 The Thinking Brain *INTRO: there are god communication patterns but easy to fall into bad communication. Why? *1st: need to learn about what hppns in brain when you become angry or frustrated (slide 7) |
*When person is angry-(aroused state)
*he/she not in right "thinking brain"-the cortex *cortex is where logic, planning, prblm-solving, reasoning, formal thinking takes place *huamsn can think, reason, and be rational |
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*instead, when person angry, riled up..operating in lower brain state-
*mid-brain and mid-stem *Regulates bodily functions, reflexes, and reactive impulses Lower brain-no thinking, |
It reacts-"fight r flight
-when someone threatened/emotionally aroused -cannot access power of thinking brain -stuck in lower "reactive" brain state -impossible to talk logic/reason w/person all riled up |
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*this is why ppl do/say stupid/mean things when riled up
*truly are not" thinking" *Angry brain-not you mart brain *When person cools down- (blood pressure, heart rate, tress hormones)- he/she can return to smart brain |
*takes @ least 30 mins
*So, when person feels angry -brain feels threatened or endangered. *person run by reactive and impulsive lower brain-not thinking brain |
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*Brain flooded w/stress hormones-over-ride rational thinking brain
*person has to calm down to see logically *power point: TIME OUTS-WHAT TO DO (slide 9) *time out time-way to get out of aroused state (escape lower brain) |
*Time out-calm down, allow brain to return to operating in higher, thinking brain state
*CONCLUSION: Anger-make us feel powerless -Angry state-not smart, or powerful *not in smart brain- being controlled by lower-reactive impulsive brain |
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*Taking a time out when angry can get your power back
*time to get out of aroused state *bring you back to your thinking-smart brain-see and think clearly *optinal angry brain demo |
*9.3: Empowering Yourself: The Time-Out Skill
*INTRO: when riled up-someone attacking/criticizing you *can you really listen to them? *Prbly just get more mad *time outs-way to chill and get to smart brain state |
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*time out-good communication skill
*Need word/sign to use to signal a time out when need a break *can use even when other person doesn't know about "time outs" *say this: |
*Examples: I need a time-out. it;s hard for me to listen right now.
*Let's agree to stop for now and come back and talk about it tmmrw *Let's chill a bt and talk when we're calmer |
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*I really want to understand you, but our emotions are running high and its too hard right now
*YOU have power to remove yourself from discussion *Time out skill-time and discipline |
*Rues for Time-Out
*Never say, "you" need a time-out. (Defensive)Always say "we" *Decide to drop it for now-come back later ( 30 mins- 1 day) Use speaker-listener technique |
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*Do's and Dont's: (slide 10)
*1. Ex: she does this all the time..negative thoughts keep you angry and don't help you calm down 2. Stop and think-what are rlly feeling? Disrespected, put down, rejected, ignored, jealous falsely accused, distrusted. |
*usually hurt feelings are behind anger
3. Have few soothing messages to repeat to yourself when angry to replace negative thoughts that can keep you angry *ex: We are really good friends. we will figure this out. |
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*Whole point of time out is to calm down-not sweep thing sunder rug but come back at time when you have control and are smart
* (say):Explore little more whats behind anger *When agry-project outwards *internal-own feelings |
*Calm down and look at own hurt feelings-
feeling deected, ut down, jealous, unloved, etc *(Slide 12)..also remind yourself that you are Valuable, important, Equal, Worthy-no matter what other person says *VIEW |
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*Dr. Steven Stony developed technique called HEAL to control anger
*Personal visual image that can think of when angry *peaceful, remind you of "core value" *Everyone close eyes and visualize something tht brings sense of well-being and clam |
*ALLOW students to share
*Reember: erson angry with ,probably has hurt feeling too *develop compassion for yourself and other person *compassion-calming effect-back to smart brain |
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9.4 Speaker-Listener Technique
*INTRO: most ppl want to communicate well but don't know how to do so during conflict-or discussing sensitive topics "push your buttons" *Everyone-disarements-everyone can benefit from way to slow things down during difficult situation |
*Speaker-Listener technique offers rules/structure for keeping difficult convo under control
*ensures that both ppl are heard and tension generated from conflict, disagreement, or sensitive issue can be used productively *EXPLAIN PARAPHRASING: |
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*During argument while other person talking, often think about response
*don't lsiten well *Speaker-listener technique-effective listening, mutual understanding *Requires listener to focus on speaker so he/she can paraphrase what speaker is saying |
*Speaker Listener technique is a tool-used after time out
*Used anytime to talk things over or begin discussion you think may be difficult or sensitive *DISCUSSION: |
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**Speaker-Listener technique activity
*Distribute Rules for Speaker-Listener card (Resource 9d) AND Speaker Listener handout (Resource 9b) *Say: in order to ensure that listener effectively listens -Listneer shod paraphrase what speaker says |
*only way to make sure heard it
*Speaker tells listener is paraphrasing is accurate or not *RULES FOR SPEAKER: *(Slide 13) Speak for yourself-opportunnity to help partner understand your point of view |
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*don't go on and on-stay on one topic at a time. Concise-to point
*Pause, let listener paraphrase-let partner no yes or no afterwards -Correct partner if necessary (got one part right but not all the way) |
*Hang on to S-L Square while listener paraphrases what they heard
*After get main points out-switch so Listener can speak. *Partner holds S-L Square |
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*RULES FOR LISTENER:
1. Don't disagree, give your side, interrupt, or try to solve problem -while listening try to postpone voicing your opinion *Seek to understand first |
*Only disagree once it is your turn to speak-speak your mind and explain why feel that way
*Say, "I disagree with you and this is why... 2. Seek t understand-lsite and try to understand 3. Paraphrase back what you hear |
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*Rule for both: Both people should be sure to share the S-L Square, passing it back and forth a number of times as needed. The key is for both partners to feel heard and understood.
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*DO ACTIVITY:
*Separate teens into groups of 3 *listenre, seaker, coach *coach-follow rules, paraphrase e/one *EXPLAIN: sPEAKER PICK TOPIC FROM PROMPT OR RECENT CONFLICT (CURFEW, TEACHER,clothes, dating, etc) |
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* Exercise more about practicing skill of listening and paraphrasing then solving conflict
*Switch roles *Optinal promopts (Slide 18) *PROCESSISNG: *When groups finished. ASK how practice went?Offer following responses to common complaints : |
1. most ppl in heat of moment cannot practice Speaker-Listener technique perfectly
-*not even most therapists-important to master Time-out *if argumetn escalating-call time out and come back later adn do S-L Technique |
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2. What if other person nvr heard of Speaker/Listener?
*You could say, "How about I just listen and see if i understand what you're saying? *Then, give pause signal, say, "Can we pause so I make sure I understand what you're saying? |
*At end-ask "is that correct?"
*After while, ask person to switch and listen to your point of view 3. At first, many seem corny and slow. Remember-not supposed to be normal way we talk *just best alternative to keeping an argument from growing bigger and bigger-out of hand *Arguments-feel natural but not helpfulproductive |
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*S-L technique good way to understand e/other better and more productively and move towards resolution
*paraphrasing only way to make sure listener really listening * |
(.5-Simple Problem Solving Model
*In Relationships-prblm solving big part of good communication *ppk encounter prblms-big/small w/ppl *going to learn simple, powerful mode for solving problems |
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*(Slide 19) Prblms solving model
*Effective prblm solving-2 parts *1st part: goof discussion about prblms *helps understand how other person feels-motivation *Ex: Might be responding out of hurt instead of anger |
*4 step process for problem solving:
1. Decide a specific problem you are going to solve Ex. mom and you disagree about how you use free time -Will you solve prblm of chores, TV/ laptop ,curfew, hwk? |
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2. Brainstorm all possible solutions
-write down ideas- -no negative reactions (Value judgementss) to ideas -both ppl think of things-one person writes 3. Come up with a plan -consider e/items from brainstorm -arrive at creative combination of solutions-together |
4. Follow-up:
Decide to agreed on solution. Schedule follow up to see how solution works. -May have to modify solution *ACTVITY: brief brainstorming session to identify problem between teens/parents |
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*Pick one (Ex. School uniforms)
*Divide group in half *one side-parents...other side...teens *One side generate ideas about what their perspective would say (WRITE DOWN) *arguments for and against |
*Take turns alternating between hearing e/side
*This step-represents preliminary prlbm discussion phase *Say: Now ready for 4-step prblm solving model (Still side 19) *Step 1: both ppl clear about prblm being solved |
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Step 2: begins brainstorming process. Write all answers down
*no value judgements Step 3: Go through e/solution together-pick one Step 4: Agree to follow-up plan. "We'll check back in one week to see how working. And if need adjustements |
*CONCLUSION:
*Deal w/problems as come your way-no grudges *Don't argue over words=most ppl don't remember words accurately-feelings, places, images. *As reciever-remember IMPACT words had onn you. *as sender-only remeber intent |
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*Focus on intent/impact tht something had-not words
*Here is how to move past "memory matching" game tht many use: ..."Look, whatever I said, this is what i meant to get across... |
*"Maybe you didnt say this, but this is how I took your words...
*"Whatever I said, or whatever you said, let's agree to move forward by trying to talk about wat we really want |
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*insights may help you in attempts to handle problems/issues
*Talk about what intended/meant *have humility to say something like, "Whatever words used, whatever you meant, this is how it affected me" |
9.6 Taking Care of Relationships-Daily Appreciations
-All want to be appreciated by ppl in our lives _Everyone has positive charc. *Found that process of break down of relationship invoves not only negtives *but decrese in postiives "good stuff" *reaserchers-healthy relationships-five positive words/acions for every negative one |
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*Ppl who work at maintaining friendships naturally manage conflicts better
*good way to practice-build friendships-practice giving daily appreciations *Optiona Activity |
*Give 2-3 index cards to e/teen
*Say: Going to put appreciations to practice *For e/card write one person they know- one positive thing about them. *keep it real *Something like about person? |
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*Something he/she does well?
*something appreciate that he/she has done or said? *if only, short story and writing assign. (Page 269) |
11.1
*Next lesson-relate to parental relationships, marriage, families *most ppl dp wat t o marry soeday and significant numer of teens ad yong adults wnt families an babies |
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*Lesson provides critical info tht he you think about marriage, family, and issues surrounding teen/unwed pregnancy
*Help make wiser relatiosnhip sexual coics nw too *LArger goals for personal and fmaily life |
*Divide group into groups of 3
*WB: Wanted:Unborn Child Looking for a Family *Activity-get teens think from child's perspective *Produce ad by unbron baby lookinf for family *no more than short paragraph |
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*Babies cant choose home but if they could what kind of living situation would they want/
*ASK: What requirements and charc, would prepare person to be good parent? *what qualities and conditions contribute to healthy family life? *What would enhance nurturing of the child? (financial, social, emotional, physical) |
*Allow 4-5 mins
*Ask for volunteers *Write qualities and charc, e/group says down on flip chart *DISCUSS: *Ways healthy marriage might achiee qualities and charc you hve just described in your ads |
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*ASK: in what way-healthy marriage be able to offer these qualities and characteristics to child?
*Ex: Financial benefits of marriage *Money doesn't buy love but give child real advantages *What are these advantages? |
*Wait for response....
ADD FOLOWWING: *Married couple: more likely to be financially ind. and have own apartment/place to live *Median family income-62,200/year vs. $26,550 female single parent |
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*Money-pay for housing in safer neighborhood w/better school..real advantages
*Money-quality child care *pr quality childcare-hurt child's development *Tpical childcare-$35-65$ day. OR 165-$250/week |
*in marriage-greater possibility one parent can stay at home w/child
-Married coup;e-more likely to have health insurance-healthy baby -single parent stressed-negative parenting *children of dingle parent-5 times more liekly to live in poverty than children of married parent |
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*Having child before married greatly increases one's odds of poverty whether teen or twenty something
*ASK: Emotional/social advantages of having two mature, married parents ....*@ better than on..more time and energy to care for baby |
*Less stress parents share work
*Parents feel loved, secure-better emotionally to give to child than scared, isolated single parent *Married couples-more likely o revieve help from two sets of graidnparents/family memebers |
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More time and energy as child grows-2 parents to help child w/ care, discipline, play, work
*NOTE: Abusive/destructive marriages not helpful *Gettign married at young age-high divorce *Referencing good,loving marriage-two ppl who have graduated HS and sefl sufficient |
*How kids feel about Troubled Parental Relationships:
*Distribute scrap paper: Ask participants pick a number on scale 1-10 to represent their stand on following statement *"When parents split up, it is NOT big deal to kids?" *low number-not big deal *high number-long-term effects |
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**NOTE: Consider response purely from child's perspective
*Can reflect on own experience or others *(Take minute to have them write reasons for answer) *After 1 minute-ask teens to assemble themselves in order 1-10 |
*(Start w/lowest number-ask e/person to explain reason for choice
*Validate e/person-no wrong/right *Say: Wide variety of responses from children who expeirnce parental breakup |
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*CONCLUDE:
*Divorce isn't like terminal disease. many kids, even if stressed at time, make it through it and lead productive lives *See from comments, take its toll-confusions, pain, prblms for kids |
*Ask students to pick *=# from 1-10 reresenting stand on following statement:
*"What are the effects of a violent, abusive, high conflict marriage or parental relationship on children? *Ask teens to reassemble selves quickly * Living in high conflict home-serious/lasting consq. |
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*CONCLUSION: kids can suffer economically and socially/parents split
*Suffer jut as much when parents-destructive marriage filled w/ constant fighting, bitterness, violence *lving in fear, danger |
*bottom line-children affected by parent's marriage or relationship
*When relationship unhealthy-(breakup or destructive marriage) bad situation either way *so important to work towards helahty, stale marriage for kids |
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*Following section-examine how kids whose parents have never married have stake in parent's love lives
*Children whose parents have not marries more likely to experience parental separation (3/4) than children whose parents are married (1/3) |
*11.3 Test your Baby Smarts
*most children in divorced or seperated fmailies fine *1/4 kids from disrupted family-experience serious or long-term prblms -Over 1/3 chilren born outside of marriage *About 7/10 (69%) for African American children -grater risk for poverty |
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*Serious risks facing children on teen parents
*Purpose of this-not to blame, focus on mistake *build awareness that quality relationship and commitment/parents (healthy marriage) real advantage to children |
*Research shows: Healthy marriage before having children-important goal for young people
*Risk does not equate w/destiny but single mothers and children have highest rates of poverty-fact, reality *ACTIVITY: Designed to help teens make wise relationship and sexual choices now/future |
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*Going to learn how having single parent family affects poverty, drop out rates, school problems, delinquency, health, and emotional prblms
*DISTRIBUTE Test your baby smarts (Resource 11a) *TELL TEENS: Mark e/statement true/flase |
*Give couple minutes
*Go though e/one *ask show of hands-review findings *ANSWERS: 1. Most soon-to be teen father will stick around after child born...True/Fasle......usually |
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*stay immeditately after borth
*Not graduated lack of job-can't afford it *Year later-only 8% of first time unwed pregnant females were married to baby's father |
-teen marriage unstabe in general anyway
*3/10 of teen mothers who marry still married at age 40 *no mater coupe status-good to use relatisonhips kills to develop good coparenting relatioships-higher invovelemnt and support and more stable |
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2. Boys of single parents-about same rate of committing crimes leading to incarceration as other boys in general pop.
*Fasle: on avg, boys of single parent 2-3 times more likely to commit crimes than those of marred parents |
*only small % of teens in juvenile justice system have two married, biological/adoptive parents
*in US-70% of inmates come from fatherless homes 3. Children of teen mothers are not more likely to be poor in few years, once mother gets on feet-settled |
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**False: child born to unwed teen ,other-no diploma..over 9 times more likely to be poor than child born to adult ( married, over 20, with diploma).
Majrity of teen moms earn less than $800/ year in child support |
*Teen moms-no support, interrupts education, fewer job opp., less income
4. Children living in single-parent homes have same risk for child abuse as kids living in married, 2 parent homes *FAlSE: children living in sinle-parent hne face..greater risk for physical/sexual abuse |
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*Children of ten mothers-times as likely to be abused/neglected as older,married mothers
*more exposure to men, etc boyfriends committ half of all reported child abuse by non-parents |
5. Female children of single parents twice as likely to have children themselves as teens and to be sexually active as young teen
*TRUE: When these girls grow up, more than twice as likely to become teen parent *on average 11% (1/10) of teens w/two marreis parents have chhild before afe og 20 vs. 27% (3/10) of teens w/one parent do |
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*Sexual activity-earlier age
6. children of teen parents are no more or less likely to drop out of school or do poorly in school than children in married, 2 parent families *FLASE: Children of unwed/divorced parents haev lower grades and score lower on other measures of academic achievement |
*more likely-held back grade
*more likely-drop out of school 9& (3/10) vs. 2-parent families 13% (1/10) 7. Babies born to teen mothers are more likely to have physical challenges at birth: *TRUE: more likely o be born prematurely, low-brith weight-increae chance of inant death, blindness, deafness, hronic respiratory disease, mental retardation, reading disailtiy, etc |
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*8. Children in single parent families have about same rates of emotional and behavioral problems as school aged kids as kids in 2-parent families
*FALSE: 2-3 times higher (avg) * 25% children of divorce remain troubled w/serious long-term social, emotional, psychological prblms |
*vs 10% of children from married, 2-parent families
*9. Teen mothers are just as likely to marry; they simply marry a few years later than women who do not have babies as teens. Most teen mothers will go on to have rest of babies after married |
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*FALSE: Becoming unwed mother-dramatically reduces young woman's chances of ever marrying
*40% lower for those who had first child outside marriage *Also 70% females who have first child as unwed mother-go on to haev all children out-of wedlok |
*not destiny
*1/4 teen moms have second child before age 20 *10. What are three things female can do to reduce chances that she and future children will be poor? 1. Finish HS 2. Marry before having baby 3 do not get marred or ave baby until 20 years old At least |
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*FACT: 64% of children whose mothers don't do this will live in poverty vs. 75 mothers who do
*9 times more likely to live in poverty if don't do these three things *2 parents in healthy marriage-more parental time and nurture for child |
*FACT: US Census Bureau-median income for marries parent household is $62,200.
*Female household only-$26,550 AFACT: Children born to teens have much higher risk for poverty, low eductional achievement rblm behaviors, early seual activity, teen parents, criminal justice system |
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11.4Child development needs:
*been shown that toxins (Ex: alcohol, illegal drugs, etc) and poor nutrition during pregnancy all cause baby born w/defects -learning disabilities *Woman who looks forward to child-ready, supported,loved-pre natal care, eats healthy, etc..more likely to have healthy baby |
*Alcohol leading cause of mental retardation in world
*Effects obvious *spina bifida (images) can be caused by nutritional deficiencies of folic acid (found in fruits and veggies) |
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*DISPLAY ATTACHMENT BOND SLIDE
*After birth-babies need secure attachment bond. *holding, cradling, cooing, kissing, talking,playing with...ways to facilitate attachment *builds framework for trust and for all later relationships |
*insecure bond-lack of attachment bond-deprive child of normal emotions and ability to love, relate to, even develop a conscience
*Stressesd, anxous parent cn lead to attachemtn process being hindered *Every developmental aspect of child's life-emotinal and behvioral affected in negative way w/out secure attachemtn bond |
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*SLIDE: BUILDING BABY'S BRAIN:
*Brain research: Experiences during infancy and early childhood are literally building baby's brain -Brain not fully functional at birth *Take years of experince in sense, to "wire" the brain |
*EXPERIENCES WIRE THE BRAIN:
*Experience allows connection to e strengthened between brain cells in brain *Touch, sound, sight, music, words-all kinds of sensory and emotinal experiences |
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*create connections in brain
*more experiences-more connections Parents living interactions-vital *PET SCANS ON ROMANINAN ORPHA BRAIN: notice diff, between PET san of neglected babie from romania (fewer conn. in brain) than normal urtured babies |
*Child neglect-deprives child of essential brain growth
*foundation for leanring-first few years of life *# of words baby hears by age 3-predicts language skills and reading comprehensions at 3rd grade and beyond *Parents shod talk, read, and play w/babies-build curiosity *build babies brains and show love |
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*if children neglected/ abused-development suffers and affects them for life
*bottom line-babies need more than roof,food, milk *Parents ability to provide loving and nurtuing env, sets child up for positive future or future w/difficulties |
*Once child gets older-needs continuing warm, relationships w/his/her parents.
*Effective discipline *CONCLUSION: Relationships/sexual choices make today-consq. for child *Sex-create a child-reason to wait |
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*Before child-first things first
*.Educatino, employment, healthy marriage *DISPALY FIRST TATTOO SLIDE *Can always "dump" partner if decide want to move on *but if have sex and have child..child can't dump parent *You acn always dump a jerk, but your child cannot |
*Power to make choices that give future and family best potential to succeed
*Finish school, job, marriage *Teens who have child(ren): -today is what counts *how move forward mke differnce *Learn more about healthy relaitonships |
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*take more careful approach to future relationships
*This actions will help child |
11.5: What about Fathers?
*Teens turn to WB; Being a good father means...Ask teens to think for a moment about what "good fathering" means "Being good father means.." Finish w/short paragraph *Alow 3-4 mins |
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* Ask group to offer list of qualities that go into good father
*RECORD answers *Activity: Sculpt or Draw *Divide into 2 groups-on half--boy/son perspective *othe rhalf-daughter/grl perspective |
*Teens think about unique contribution fathers make to children
*ASK: is there something special tht boys in particular get from good dad? *What might occur when boy doesn't' have positive father figure? |
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*: is ther esomthing special tht girls in particualr get from good dad?
*What might occur when girl doesn't' have positive father figure? *group of Teens make drawing or sculpture tht represent what boys/girls get from good fathers. *use symbols, images, stick figures, etc |
*5-8 mins
*pg 339-Read Consider this paragraphs! *Music assignment/activity-page 343 *Mini Presentation-Fatherhood and Marriage *Case of dis spearing Fathers (Resource 11d) |
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*Ling between fatherhood and marriage:
*Clear that healthy marriage and fathers matter to children *but WHY do so man dads disapear from children's daily lives? |
*if dad loves his children..makes sense that he would stay emotionally and financially involved
*not so easy to do so--sometimes *Difficult for father to remain invoved when doesnt live w/children -ex:living at home |
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*After break up children usually live w/mothers
*Absence of healthy marriage w/mother or presence of troubled relationships-biggest barrier *if young men want so tbe fgher-well worth it to develop good relationship and spend time looking for soeon w/whom can marry |
...raise a family
*then...maintain marriage. *young woman will do the same *optional activity pg: 345 |
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*11.6 child speak
*more than 50% all HS seniors agree that "having child out of wedlock is experimenting w/worthwhile lifestyle and not affecting anyone else" *ASK: "would this survey finding be similar among teens at our school.... |
and in our neighborhood
*Wait for response! *did you know-more girls approve of unwed childbearing than boys. *6/10 ...5-17 yr old girls. *7/10.....18-19 yr old girls |
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*ASK: DO you think % would be lower if knew about Baby Smarts quiz yall took?
*RESPOSNES |
*going to do activity to help them focus on important decisions young unwed parents can make to provide brighter future for child
*ACTIVITY: CHILD SPEAK SCRIPT WRITING *Babies May have Brihter Futures If and child Speak in WB |
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*babies..brighter future....
*Say: Advice from group of young parents who wish they'd known some things before unplanned pregnancy *NOTE: "mother" often used because mot children often live w/mothers. |
*READ NINE POINTS OF ADVICE TO GROUP:
*Break up into 9 groups *E/group gets one pt of advice *DIRECTIONS: 8Task-assume persective f child and imagine opp. of what i advised is happening |
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*Pretend you are young child. can choose age, gender, name of child
*Write down what life is like for this child *Use child's voice....Use "I" "me; and "my" statements |
Read example:
"number 8: A baby of single mother may have brighter future if mother puts her love life on back burner. mother should become more careful/wiser bout her own love life and not bring males into home on casual basis-subjecting her daughter to emotional roller-coaster of repetitive broken bonds. |
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Both parents should put their child, education, and job firs, before any bf or gf.
*opopsite of number 8: hi. i'm Jason and 'm 7. i love my mom, but alot of the ties she pays more attention to her bf than to me. my mom has brought home 3 different bf to live with us at diff. times |
*Sometimes, they are nice to me and bring me stuff and really like them.
But sometimes they leave and i'm left alone again. "these guys are stragners to me and sometimes they are mean and I ge scared that one day one of them will hurt me |
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*I don't like it that my mom puts her boyfriends before me.
*Why can't my mama take care of me instead of those guys *(Allow group 5 minutes to write scripts) |
*Once done-ask for volunteers
*As group to rank in order of importance-nine pieces of advice *Discussion on choices *fun poems page 350 |
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2.1 Four dimensions of Maturity
*Maturity slide: *ASK:What does maturity mean to you? *Asnwers go on lines rdiating out from MAtroty circle |
*Maturity bubble-four parts
*Four prts ot maturity (1-Physical maturity..read slide...) *developing brain....brain still developing until mid-twenties *Center fo brain resp, for decision-making mpulse control, regulating emotions-last to fully develop |
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*Physical maturity-not not ahave to do anything
*adolescence delay-body preparing for adulthood/procreation *teen body not developed till about 18 *brain-mid 20's |
*maybe why teens tend to be greater risk- takers than older adults
*Not true about other 3 dimensions of maturity-YOU make them happen *2. Mental maturity: |
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*Add: using brain not just impulses
*Involves thinking about consequences of one's actions beforehand -suffering consequences-ppl learn from mistakes-maturity |
*mans weighing consq. of one's decisions and actions before doing them
*Developing ability to "delay" gratification (Satisfaction) *youger exmaple:want something NOW *mature-dealy immediate satisfaction in order to accomplish goals |
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*Ex: Go out with friends right now or study for test-bigger goal of good grades, more opportunities, job, fun!
*3. emotional Maturity: Control of how experess emotions-strong ones-anger |
*EX: 4 yr old many kick and scream when angry
*13 year old learned how to express anger through different/productive means-no kicking etc *Being able to express true feelings and being able to admit mistakes rather than making excuses or covering them up *Means saying, "I was wrong." "I am sorry" "I am upset" |
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Social maturity: How you interact and respond/ppl
*Sense of how words/actions affect others *Determines how you respond when standards, values challenged by friends...( name calling,hurtful gossip) *How weel can stand up for sef when under peer pressure |
*Helps you choice friends who are in sync with values and allow you to be "real you"
*CONCLUSION: -physical maturity will happen on its own no matter what |
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*Becoming mentally, emotionally, socially mature requires actions, conscious efforts, decisions
*some 40 yr olds-grown body but not socially, emotinoally, mentally mature-like a child |
3.2 Maturity Scale:
(REsource 2a) Scale of Matuirty chart *Ask for volunteers to take urns reading pairs of contrasting statements from Resource 2a *After each-pause and ask group to identitfy wether statement is mental, emotinoal, social category |
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*Statement can be 1 or more answer
*1. Rate self 1-10 2. identify one statement which represents where they think they have grown/matured in past year 3. Identify one/two statements they are greatest challenges Why?? |
4. Brainstorm kind of behaviors that can help mature in that area?
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2.3 Clarifying Values:
*next activity-way to clarify what values are important to each teen *group will participate in auction *Explain how auctions work *Distribute play money (Resource 2d) |
*DIRECTIONS:
*silently write down top four values-how much for each *Pas sup paper w/out names *Bids start at $10-go up in tens |
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*open bidding-award to highest
*Record who wins what on flipchart *Give wining card to winners Star highest bids |
*PROCESSING QUESTIONS:
*what are top 5 values? *Ar values equally valuable? *is value here missing from list that feel is important? *which values would you want to pass on to children? * |
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Where do you think you learned the values that are most important to you?
*Are some of these values important to you now, but might be less so after High school? *ASk group to identify top values and mature beahviors assocated w/each |
*Ex: Higher education-do well in school
*What kinds of things could lead person away from that value? |
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2.4 Who is Attractive to You?
(Slide 16)- **ASK* What does this persons face, pose, setting, body language, etc say about them? how do you imagine character, personality, language would be? |
*Get couple volunteers to answer
*Intro: What we see and read into appearances is different for each person *What we find attractive is unique to e/individual (Oftenwhen first attracted to someone, attracted to apperance only |
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*Tend to associate personality and character w/certain kinds of appearances
*tend to make assumptions about ppl from how they look, talk, walk (southern accent) *ASK: Have you ever made assumption about someone to find totally opposite? |
*net activity: opportunity to go beyond surface appearances and consider what's truly important to you
*ACTIVITY-PERSONALITY AND CHARACTER *Going to cosider personality and character qualities |
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Teens: Locate "Who am I" and "Attractions" in WB
*in "Who am I" -point is to identify charc, tht make them unique *When done, move on to "Attractions"-point is to consider character and personality qualities tht they might want in bf/gf *Go through list-pick out top qualities-rank in terms of importance |
*PROCESSING QUESTIONS:
*What were top qualities in areas of personality and character, (also interests, skills, values, goals?) *CONCLUSION: *Idenitifying your values, and wha is important to you ar eimportant exercises in creating personal standard w/whom spend time with |
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*you should do "choosing" not being chosen-base d on values, character, personality
*Learning about relationships is past trial/error *Getting to see past looks-know someone-what matters! |
*Need to see if person possesses qualities that are important o you
*Teens who get involved quickly-don't know person..experience turns out disappointing *high-cost risks |
