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207 Cards in this Set
- Front
- Back
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Poor dirty farmer...fresh |
Confidence, Protection, freshness...fresh as a daisy. I don't know about you but I dont care to have my vagina smell like a daisy. Anymore than I'm sure a daisy wants to smell like my... |
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Time of the month |
Under the weather |
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Aunt Mary's Coming |
The Curse |
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...normal body function |
it's a period. Is the subject so delicate because it's a woman's situation? |
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THREE SISTERS |
Don't tell me. Let me guess. |
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Tuna Casserole |
What a surprise! |
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stuff the grieving family? |
I don't know, Lizzie. Maybe they're trying to fill our void. |
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or cream puffs? |
Wanna bite? |
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okay. Are you? |
Yeah. Just wish all those people weren't here. |
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..people out there. |
So, stay in here. |
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I live in this city. |
So? |
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So I have to be nice. |
You look nice. Did mom make you wear that skirt? |
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not believing in God in front of Auntie Bell. |
What does she believe in? |
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Ramtha. |
Gesundheit. So when does Miss One-with-the-Universe arrive? |
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...on the astral plane. |
She is so bizarre. She must be adopted. I can't believe she's our sister. |
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What're you doing? Eating. |
Yeah. |
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Clean for Karen. |
I can eat and clean at the same time. |
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Fat pig. |
Shut up. |
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Here, you might as well save some for winter. |
Here why don't you have some? |
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Fake food fight. |
Oh, Hello Auntie Belle. No we'll be alright. Just give us a second. |
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be good mourners. |
Come in Auntie Belle. |
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I'm fine now. |
Yes, we will miss her. |
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What is it? Tuna Casserole? |
That's Lizzie's favorite. |
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Sounds good. |
No, it hasn't been easy but all the grandchildren could be here. Jim just went to pick up Karen, yeah she's flying in...on the astral plane...the astral.... nevermind |
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Grams wanted to be cremated. |
No she definitely told mom, cremation. |
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Catholic church, it's perfectly legal. |
Well I don't know Auntie Belle, I guess Grams might need a body on judgement day. |
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Check on Karen. |
Well I'm going to take Grams back on the plane with me and then keep her at my house until the burial on Tuesday. She's in an urn. Well it's sort of a box like thing. A travel urn. (Laugh) |
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Someone on the line. We love you. |
Oh hello Louise, HELLO. Yes we will miss her very much. |
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Taco casserole. |
Ole....OLE |
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...heart attack on our trip. |
Oh you didn't hear? |
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uh....Disneyland. |
No it didnt happen at the hotel, it actually happened in the park itself. |
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Look I should take this in. |
No I'll take it in YOU talk to Louise. |
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You never really read the signs. |
Yeah, it's taught me to read the signs. |
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Grams loved the ride with the dancing. |
No, not the Pirates ride although we did get on that ride before the end though...uh..of the day though. |
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Space Mountain. |
Grams died on Space Mountain. |
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"If you want to ride again, ma'am" |
That's when we discovered that...yes it was horrible. |
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E ticket ride. |
No, that's not funny. I'm sorry. |
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Karen's here. |
Sorry Louise, there is someone on the other line. Hi Doris, no Don couldn't come, he's home with Thomas. They're both fine. Yes, Doris... as a matter of fact I have gained about fifteen pounds. How do you like that. I better take this into the kitchen...before I eat it. |
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I'm here everyone. |
Just a minute Karen. I have Doris on the phone. |
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Marla? |
In the kitchen. Oh, hi Karen. How was the flight? |
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Vegan meal. |
Oh, I'm sorry. |
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Rice cakes. |
Would you like some tuna. |
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funeral arrangements and everything? |
Well I'm going to take Grams back on the plane with me and keep her at my house until the burial on Tuesday. |
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What? |
What? |
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I'm not joking. |
I'm not joking. Oh, you shoulda heard Jim though, he said make sure Grams gets a window seat and some honey roasted peanuts. |
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talking about the dead. |
what? |
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I HATE THIS FAMILY |
Karen?? |
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What's going on? |
What do you think? Karen has arrived. Now she wont speak to me all day just like Thanksgiving. |
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Would you like I should go speak with her? |
Would you mind? THAAAAANKS |
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*RING* |
Hi, Uncle Pete. Oh, you heard. Yeah I've gained about fifteen pounds. We're all pretty worried about it. |
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BLACKOUT |
hello? |
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hello. |
Karen? |
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What? |
What are you doing? |
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Tape from when I was 7. |
Can I listen for a minute? |
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yeah. |
is that grams? I didn't know she could sing the blues. |
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she can't. |
so karen... did you finally figure out Grams had been cremated? |
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why didn't you tell me? |
I didn't know you didn't know. |
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sure. |
I didn't. |
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if you wouldn't mind. |
I'm sorry. |
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what are you doing up so late. |
I couldn't sleep. I don't know, after today all the talk about how important family is and how we should all stay in touch. I was just thinking that I missed that concert thing you did. |
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My recital? |
Your recital. |
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didn't know you knew about it. |
Yeah I did. And Lizzie sent me a sponser sheer for your walk for peace and I never sent... |
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Is that how old he is? |
No, he just turned five. |
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I would say as soon as I hung up but I never did.. |
That's okay. |
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how much she hates me. |
I never even thought about it to tell you the truth. |
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hospital you went to... |
clinic. |
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clinic. Do you still do that? |
What throw up? |
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Yeah |
not as often but yeah. |
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Why? |
Well it's kind of hard to explain. It's kind of like being an alcoholic. It's my way of coping. It's also a great dieting tool. No, that's not funny. I don't know Karen. It just seems to me life is a lot less painful for me when I'm thin. People don't like fat people. It's a disgusting thing to do. I still dont feel comfortable talking about it. |
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I'm your sister.. It would be up to you... |
Thanks, and I should see one of those recitals you do. |
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stay with me. |
Great. That'd be fun. |
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care less if you came. |
Thank you, I hate classical music |
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you do? |
Yeah, and don't worry about Thomas' birthday, he's so spoiled. |
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really hate it? |
I think so. |
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nothing in common. |
I know! If I met you on the street I wouldnt at all be interested in you. |
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Same here. |
It's not that I dont love you. |
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We're sisters it's |
It's automatic. |
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hard all the time. |
I dont even try that hard. I just feel really guilty that I dont. |
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start a religion |
That is so true. |
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not worry about it anymore? |
That's fine with me if it's fine with you. |
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guilty all the time. |
Yeah, and if mom asks about it we're fine. |
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christmas or whatever |
great. |
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really glad we could talk (hug) |
There you go. That was really... |
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I was seven. |
Well I guess I better go pack grams |
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marla? |
what karen? |
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overhead. |
goodnight karen. |
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FIRST CONFESSION |
Bless me father for I have sinned, it has been about |
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fourteen years since my last confession, fourteen years that puts me at about |
the tenth grade. Okay, the tenth grade. Let's start there. Well I must have done something. I probably cheated in math, I knew I wouldnt use it. I smoked.. |
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Dope. Started a rumor about |
Cissa potts stuffing her bra. |
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I took speed. I masturbated. |
I used a fake ID |
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to buy malt liquor talls. |
I lied. |
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I lied. |
A lot. |
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SECOND CONFESSION |
and then I cheated on my math final. Well that puts me at twenty one. |
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oh that was a bad year, twenty one. |
I hit and run an icecream truck. |
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I had a three way .... I think |
I had an abortion. I did cocaine. |
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I lied |
About my student loans |
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I lied. |
About my disability insurance |
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I lied |
About the weight on my drivers license. |
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I lied |
A lot. |
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THIRD CONFESSION |
Well that was last year. That brings us up to |
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Now. Well might as well go for the gold. I had sex |
with a married man |
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I had sex |
with a woman |
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I had sex |
with a married woman |
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A lot of sex. |
I never visit or write my relatives ever. |
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I cheat on my taxes |
I think bad thoughts about people |
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all over the place. I lie |
I lie a lot.
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Well that's about it father |
I feel ever so much better, I really feel cleansed. |
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So what's my penance. |
Two hail mary's and three our fathers? |
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CABARET |
hello Mr. Paul. |
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who tortured your hair? |
**** you very much and hello to you. You scream your voice out six nights a week... in fact just try working for a living and see how you look Mr. Aqua Net....oww I cut myself. Can I have my checks please? |
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How did the hello dolly audition go? |
did they call? |
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no. |
Oh, well with these bags I probably got cast as Horace Vandergelder |
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and don't you forget it. |
You should have gone to that audition. You're a better dance than |
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the director hates me. |
Well I love you. |
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I love you too. |
A lot of good that does me. Listen Mr. Paul could you go over this music with me before the big crowd comes in? |
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What about stevie. |
He won't care. **** him. |
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I'd love to |
HAHAHAHAH |
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let me just warm up here |
You are the biggest ham. |
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completely fat free. |
Bless her. |
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What are you bringing? |
Diuretics. |
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Sing. |
My throat feels like ****. Oh, well. play. LOWER..........sing sing sing. How was that? |
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what? |
Kiss my ass and call me susan |
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Want to go over the ballad, sue? |
Okay |
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What key do you want that it in. |
I don't give a ****. |
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Sweetly. |
Sweetly....song sing song. How was that? |
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Like you Rosie |
Hi Stevie! It's okay I already went over them with Paul. Go ahead and set up. Oh he was fabulous! Liberace would have wept. Mr. Paul, I need a lite beer and a cranberry cordial. |
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what is a cranberry cordial? |
Nevermind, I'll check their ID. How did the tour callbacks go for a Chorus line. |
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grave and the musical is dead. |
So he is. |
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AMEN |
Amen. And your audition went...how? |
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at 500 dollars a |
Oh come on Paul. If you want to audition just use the old ones till you can... |
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I know Rosie. I know |
What do you think I am? A waitress? |
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Pretzels. |
Mr. Paul give me a vodka tonic a gin and tonic, two lite beers and some liposuction. |
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gee what am I gonna buy... car or yacht |
Oh **** you very much! Welcome to the Ruby Slipper, is everybody having a good time. |
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YEAH |
Who gives a ****. My name is Rosie Kidd and on piano.. and valium the one and only Stevie Lunez the man with the Tunez. How many people here think Stevie is the reincarnation of Doris Day? |
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Doris Day is still alive Rose. |
That's a matter of opinion Paul. Let me just tell you that my voice sounds somewhat akin to Earth Kitt in a cuisinart, but nevertheless I love you all so what do you want to hear? |
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do cabaret |
Oh that tired old song? |
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Do it, you won't do it. bitch. (jk this is just audience vamping) |
Alright, alright alright, Cabaret lyrics and shiiiit. |
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Yeah I play a dancing bobbin. Cheers. |
SOOOOOOONG |
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You don't know him. |
SOOOOOOOONG. |
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Just in case. |
And allll thattttt jaaaaaaazz. Thank you! I gotta go make a living now. we're open till four in the morning. Thank you. No honey I can't sing again, my voice feels like somebody raked it and sent the A train through it. Besides I have to go to the little girls room. You're a ******* riot Stevie. |
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IN BATHROOM |
oh my ****. Oh ****, I was gonna stop saying **** this year. stop saying **** and keep my hands off my face and have only two drinks at work and start hanging around with some straight men. Where have all the straight men gone... and stop belting B flats at 2:30 in the morning. Yeah, right. And win the Nobel Peace Prize. SIIIING |
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Rosie |
SIIIIIING |
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Rosie |
**** WHAT?! |
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Come out here. |
I can't **** and sing at the same time. |
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I found out how to make you a damn cranberry cordial. |
You know the only good thing about this bar? |
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What's that? |
You. |
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this hell hole. |
Remember acting? |
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no. |
Neither do I. Why don't we just give up all this showbiz ****. |
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Fine with me |
We'll move to Rowanda and become cows |
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Sing pretty |
Really? |
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Really. |
SONG |
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New eye shadow you're wearing |
Hey Everybody. Hey Rita |
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Come park it next to me darlin |
Hey Jake, How you doin? |
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I think it's that new eye shadow you're wearing |
Well thank you. Hey Adele honey, would you get me a white wine spritzer please and thank you |
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I got that for the lady |
Well thank you Hank. That's awful nice of you. |
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What's a matter baby you look tired. |
I'm a little bit tired. If I have to drive down that Camino de la Viejo boulevard one more time I will cut off my left foot and feed it to a dog. |
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You look very very pretty tonight. |
Well thank you. |
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Hell I'd be tired too with that boss man chasing me around all day |
Oh hell, that man would have a heart attack if he stood up. |
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when he gonna take you to TahEEtee |
Tahiti? |
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Tahiti. |
I aint never seen Tahiti and I never will |
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postcards from Tahiti |
Thank you Adele, this looks good.... Darlin why dont you bring me some of them pork rinds and tabasco sauce, a little miracle whip on the side. |
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bring it over here and put it on my tab. |
no, no, no. I don't want no chili. Thank you though. |
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it'll put hair in your mouth. |
I dont want hair in my mouth. |
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it'll walk over to you. |
I'd like to meet it but I don't want to eat it. |
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Gimme a kiss. |
Go kiss yourself. |
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What's a matter he don't pay you enough? |
He never has and never will. |
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Don't he know you're raising two boys by yourself? |
I don't know what he knows. I truly don't. |
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beat em six ways to Sunday |
OH is that right? |
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takin' some names and kicking some ass |
I'm scared of you |
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Oh i fell. I'm alright. |
You get the hell out of here you little ******* |
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When you gonna give up that boss man and marry me? |
I aint gonna marry you. |
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Give me the gun. |
Don't give him the gun. Adele have you lost your mind? Well I know it aint loaded he could hit me in the head with it. |
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You want another drink. |
Yes I would love another white wine spritzer. |
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I'll keep you in white wine spritzers the rest of your life. |
I'd like to see that. |
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"on the road again" |
sing on the road again. |
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you sound exactly like |
patsy Cline, you tell me every damn night. |
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well you do. |
That woman is dead. Let her rest in peace. |
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ONe sentence, hum |
I can't sing. |
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crazy |
You are crazy if you think I'm gonna sing. |
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you look very very pretty tonight |
Well thank you |
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and marry me? |
I ain't gonna marry you |
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she's gonna marry me. (Passes out) |
Yeah, I'd marry him... if I thought he meant a damn word of what he was sayin'. Hell I'd marry anybody if I thought it'd make a bit of difference and I know it wouldn't. I am just so damn tired. It get's so I dread takin a shower. I dont know why. And night after night I will lay in bed and I will say to myself Karen Sue Baylor tomorrow you will get up and stop drinking and start aerobicizing. |
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DRINK |
but the next day...every next day I get up and I gotta take another shower. worse thing, though, is I get this feeling like if I dont get something I just won't be whole, and. I don't think I can get it cause I dont know what the hell it is, but, it just keeps on suckin at me til I gotta have a drink or do a crossword puzzle or something to make that feeling go away. I know I have a screw loose. I oughta worry about takin care of my boys and gettin my bills paid off and here I am worrying about something. I think a nut job is what you call it Adele. Oh turn this song up, I love it. |
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will you answer my question? |
I said I won't marry you. |
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And why won't you marry me? |
Because you're already married you fool. |
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indoor/outdoor carpeting. |
oh so you're a mormon now? |
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a mohawk haircut to you? |
Mormons don't have no Mohawks hank. |
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and a tambourine down at the airport. |
What the hell are you talking about? You are so stupid. Ain't he stupid Rita? |
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when are you gonna give up that boss man and marry me? |
Alright, I'll marry you Hank. |
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What? |
I said I will marry you |
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Oh now, stop teasin me |
I ain't teasing you |
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you're playing with my heart. |
I ain't playing. |
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Oh come on now, you're drunk. |
I ain't drunk. I said I will marry you. Everybody! I'm gonna marry hank. How about that? Jakeford, would you like to bear me down the aisle? I thought you would. And rita, hell you can bear my child. I'd appreciate it. |
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You're playing with my heart. |
I am not drunk! I said I will marry you. |
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You know that in your heart of hearts |
Yeah, Why don't you just shut up about it then? |
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put it on my tab. |
I don't want nothing. I'm going home. |
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Adele, just bring it on over |
Would you SHUT UP ABOUT THE DAMN CHILI. I dont want none. it's bad. it tastes like ketchup |
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You want another sissy drink? |
No, I said I'm going home. |
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Just bring her the chili! |
Adele don't you dare bring me any of that damn chili. |
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you want me to go home with you? |
Please don't |
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"Your chest is so delightful" |
Are you done? It ain't the chest, there aint one damn boob in that song. It's the fire that's delightful hank |
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I'm a poet and I dont know it. |
I'm going home now. I gotta put my chest out. |
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cause you are gonna marry me |
Yeah I know, Hank, I'm gonna marry you. Bye Jakeford |
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very very pretty tonight |
Well thank you. Bye Adele Bye rita |
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seat belt |
alright |
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boys to mind you |
alright |
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you look very very pretty tonight |
WELL THANK YOU> I'll se you tomorrow night |
