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343 Cards in this Set
- Front
- Back
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...Please give a Moose Lodge welcome to Leo Clark and Jack Gable! Awhoo!!! |
(Leo): Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more! Or close the wall up with our English dead. In peace there's nothing so becomes a man As modest stillness and humility, But when the blast of war blows in our ears, Then imitate the action of the tiger! |
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Hold up thy head, dial Scott. Thou art Harry Monmouth! |
(Leo): And thou art Hotspur, the rebel Lord who comes to take my throne! |
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A plague on both your houses! Ha! Ha! |
(Leo): Stay back I say! |
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I will not yield, for now is the winter of thy discont- |
(Leo): And yet tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow Creeps in this Petty Pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time! Ha! Ha! Ha! |
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Oh, Harry, thou hast robbed me of my youth! |
(Leo): To be or not to be that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of Outrageous Fortune or to take arms against a... |
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( Leo notices something in the audience. People are walking out, including one moves named Frank, who is clattering out of the second row and up the aisle. We can tell that Frank is a moose from the face he wears. Frank is doubled by the actor who played Butch. Leo has skipped a beat but tries to go on just a little louder.) |
(Leo): Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of where the hell are they going? They're walking out! |
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Heading to the buffet across the hall. |
(Leo): Hey! Hey! Come back here! What's the matter with you people!? We are giving a performance up here! |
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It's boring! Go back where you came from! |
(Leo): Oh, really?! Well why don't you go back where you came from?! Huh!? |
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This is where I came from, you idiot. I live here! |
(Leo): "Idiot?" He called me an "idiot!" |
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Leo- |
(Leo): You're the idiot! You! That's right, you! |
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To make something of it, buddy!? |
(Leo): By God, I'll knock your block off! |
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Leo! Leo! Stop! Stop it! He's sorry. Go. Eat. Have a good time. Leo, let's go. |
(Leo): Ohhhh, CRAP! Crap, crap, crap!!! |
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Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow? |
(Leo): What's the matter with you people!? Haven't you heard of culture!? Huh!? Or civilization?!! |
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Leo! |
(Leo): Next time will bring a stripper! |
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Please watch your step entering the train. East Coast local, all aboard! |
(Leo): Morons! They were complete and utter morons! |
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Leo- |
(Leo): Whatever happened to respect!? Hmm? And and and courtesy!? I mean didn't they even look at our flyers!? I put them in the lobby. Without best reviews! "Mesmerizing." |
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The Mecklenburg Ledger |
(Leo): "Fascinating." |
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The Beaver Falls Dispatch |
(Leo): "A PowerHouse night of theater." The New York Times. |
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You made that one up. |
(Leo): Yes, I know, but it was on the flyer! |
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Leo, do you really want to do Shakespeare all your life? |
(Leo): Yes! I spent three years at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art. |
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You told me you went there to meet women. |
(Leo): I did, but then I got interested. God, just look at us! It's been 10 years and we're still at the bottom. Rock bottom! I can feel my arse scraping on the little stones... |
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Do you know what I want? I mean really want? Neighbors. House. People who care if I open the front door in the morning. |
(Leo): Well... of course... But Jack we can still make it! As actors! All we need is a break! And we're in luck. Finally! This morning I read in Variety that MGM is doing the movie version of Julius Caesar. In Los Angeles. They have James Mason as Brutus, John Gielgud as Cassius, and they're looking for more Shakespearean actors. This is made for us. I mean, how many Shakespearean actors do they have in America? Six? Now how much do we have in the kitty? For the flight, as of right now? |
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Leo, we can't afford it. |
(Leo): Don't be negative! Just tell me. How much have we saved? |
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You don't want to know. |
(Leo): A thousand? Eight hundred. Six. Five? How much?! |
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Nothing. |
(Leo): No really. |
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We don't have a dime. |
(Leo): But- But- what about last night? Our show for the moose people? |
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They didn't pay us. |
(Leo): What!? |
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I went right up to the great Jack. He said six of his members resigned at the buffet. One more Soliloquy he would have lost the herd. |
(Leo): Those... Cheaters! Those-those-those crooks! |
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Maybe we should do a whole play next time, like we used to. |
(Leo): Oh, oh oh that's a great idea! Except we have no actors, it's just the two of us! We have seven costumes! From different places! In a pinch we could put on "One Gentlemen of Verona!" "The Taming of the Merry Wife of Windsor!" |
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All right, all right... |
(Leo): "Much Ado About Hamlet!" |
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All right! |
(Leo): I just... I... I mean it's... It's just... |
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Would you like some breakfast? Maybe they have a cafe car. |
(Leo): We can't afford it. Remember? |
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I can't believe it! They want a dollar-fifty for two eggs! |
(Leo): Jack, take a look at this. |
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It's highway robbery! |
(Leo): It's important. Look. "Oh Max, oh Steve." "Dying woman seeks loved ones. Large Fortune at stake." Listen! "Millionaires Florence Schneider of York, Pennsylvania, is reported to be searching desperately for her sister's children Max and Steve to whom she intends to leave the bulk of her Fortune." |
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I think I have some extra change some place... |
(Leo): "Miss Snyder last saw Max and Steve when, as children, they sailed for England with their mother. She correspondent for a time but then lost all contact-" |
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Would you get to the point, I'm hungry! |
(Leo): The boys went to England. They left here as children. Listen: "Repeated telegrams and advertisements in America and England have failed to get a response." She can't find them! And apart from a niece named... Meg who lives with her in York ,she wants to leave them her money. |
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So what? |
(Leo): So what?! Jack what are we? You and I. Are we Polish? |
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No. |
(Leo): Hungarian? |
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No. |
(Leo): Lithuanian? |
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No. |
(Leo): We're English! We have English accents! And look at us! We could be brothers. We even look alike. You could be Steve and I could be Max. |
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Us? Her nephews? |
(Leo): Bingo. |
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But we're not her nephews. It's a lie. |
(Leo): Not necessarily. Do you know all your relations? |
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Oh, stop it. I can't pretend to be somebody else. Besides which it's illegal. They could put us in jail! |
(Leo): Jack, Florence Snider has tried for months to reach her nephews and she can't find them. So we wouldn't be hurting anybody. Do you think that I would hurt anybody? |
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What about the niece? Meg. |
(Leo): The hell with her. She'll get plenty. Look, it says the estate is estimated at three million dollars. So instead of 3 million, she gets one million. And you get a million and I get a million. |
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A million dollars? |
(Leo): We could start over. Try again... from the beginning... Become something. |
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Leo... |
(Leo): Jack, please. |
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But she could have seen pictures of her nephews! In the past couple of months! |
(Leo): I've thought of that, so we don't show up until she kicks the bucket. |
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Dead? |
(Leo): No, Jack, a little wooden bucket that she kicks on its side... Yes of course dead! We wait nearby and keep our ears to the ground. The minute she goes, we send a telegram. |
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It won't work. |
(Leo): Yes it will. |
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It's my first day at the Tastee Bite. See? "Tastee Bite." |
(Leo): The first E gets a bit lost in the middle. |
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They have faith in me and that counts for a lot. Right? |
(Leo): Absolutely. |
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To tell you the truth, I got the job just to make some money. I want to go to college. Ergo, the books. Ergo means therefore. I mean, I know it's a commute and all, living in York, but I figure it's worth it if it helps me get through college. |
(Leo): You live in York? |
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Yeah. |
(Leo): York, Pennsylvania? |
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Yeah. |
(Leo): You wouldn't know a Miss Florence Snider by any chance? |
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Are you kidding me? When I work for a doctor, she came to the office like every day |
(Leo): Do you know when she last saw Max and Steve? |
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1920. |
(Leo): How old they were? |
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Six and four. |
(Leo): Their mother's name? |
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Jennie. |
(Leo): Father's? |
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Irv. |
(Leo): Yes! |
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I remember when she used to come to the office? Everything with her was a big deal. If she had a headache, it was a migraine, she had a slight fever, she was burning up. She was always exaggerating. |
(Leo): And how's she doing? |
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I know. It's awful. |
(Leo): what about Max and Steve? Has anyone heard from them? |
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Nope, not a word. The funny thing is, she didn't even have a picture of them. I asked her. She was real broken up about it. She said she thought she that the older one, that was Max, she thought that Max was in the theater. |
(Leo): In the Theatre! |
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Oh God... |
(Leo): Ha! Fate! Providence! "If it be note, 'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come. The readiness is all!" |
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Yeah... anyway, I feel bad for. I found a very congenial. That means nice. One day she comes in and I'm helping her up the stairs and she says "I'm going to remember you in my will," and I say, Do it with money," teasing her, you know? And she says "you should live so long," which I thought was nice, her wanting me to live a long time. |
(Leo): Is there anything else she ever said about Max and Steve? Anything distinctive about them? A scar, a limp... |
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Nope. Not really. Just average normal people. She said that Steve was deaf and dumb, but that's about all. |
(Leo): Deaf and dumb? |
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She thinks I'm cute... |
(Leo): Fine, you're cute. And you'll be deaf and dumb and I'll do all the talking. |
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Oh, stop it. |
(Leo): Why not? It's perfect! |
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I can't be deaf and dumb, I-I-I don't know any sign language. |
(Leo): So you'll make it up! It's easy! |
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It is not! |
(Leo): Of course it is. Try it! Just try it! Say "yes." Say "no." "Maybe." "I'm hungry." "I'm thirsty." "I have an idea." Alright, good. Stop it. Stop doing that, Jack. It isn't funny! |
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Oh, sorry. I'm sure it's not real sign language. |
(Leo): We'll tell them it's a new system. Signing for the simple. We'll say you can't hear a thing. You read lips, but only mine. Now the problem is that Audrey lives in York and she heard you talking just now so you'll have to wear a beard or something to play Steve. So she doesn't recognize you. |
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I look terrible in a beard! |
(Leo): That's not the point! Now what have we got? ... Try this. |
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No. |
(Leo): Just try it! |
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It looks fake. |
(Leo): Try it with this hat. That's better. Now what about these glasses? Good. |
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Whee! Hi. Sorry. I forgot my towel. Hey! Did he have a beard just now? |
(Leo): Who? Him? I-I don't think you've met him. |
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I haven't? |
(Leo): No. Oh, oh, of course. You met Jack, an old friend. This is my brother Steve. |
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"Steve?" No kidding. Hi. How are ya? |
(Leo): I'm afraid I can't hear what you're saying. He's deaf and dumb. |
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Deaf and d- holy cow! That's incredible! Usually I never even hear about anyone being deaf and dumb, now it comes up twice. Talk about a coincidence! |
(Leo): Ah, but is it? You see, this is Steve. And I'm his brother. |
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I know. It's amazing. Do deaf people named Steve. |
(Leo): Two...? |
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Yeah. Don't you remember? Max and Steve. The two girls we talked about. Like I told you the younger one is deaf and dumb. |
(Leo): "Two girls"? |
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Yeah. |
(Leo): But... Max and Steve are men, aren't they? |
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Hey, he just talked. |
(Leo): amazing are you absolutely sure they're girls? |
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Sure. I talked to Miss Snider like a hundred times about them. |
(Leo): It didn't say they were girls in the paper. |
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Thank you. |
(Leo): God damn it, God damn it! We were so close! I could taste it! With two million dollars, we could have made our own Shakespeare movie! |
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At least I can talk now. |
(Leo): GOOOODDDDAAMMNITT! Oh, great. Just look at this. Costumes, to remind me of our latest defeat. |
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I'll help, I'll help. Haha. Remember this one? Juliet. We had that knockout actress and I used to say, "Pardon me but would you like to climb up my balcony?" Haha. And look at this. The Taming of the Shrew. "If I be waspish best beware My Sting." |
(Leo): " if it be now, tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now-" |
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No. |
(Leo): Yes. |
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No! |
(Leo): We can do it! It'll work! I'll be Maxine, you'll be Stephanie. |
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Wrong! I will not dress up as a woman. Ever. I don't do that. |
(Leo): for a million dollars? The question is, which dress do you wear. |
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NO. HEY. WOULD YOU STOP IT?! HEY CUT THAT OUT! RIGHT NOW! JUST STOP IT! |
(Leo): Ooh, ooh, ooh, I think I'd look good in this one. Cleopatra, Queen of the Nile. |
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You'd look ridiculous! |
(Leo): Now what about you...? |
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I am not doing this. Do you hear me? ARE LISTENING?! |
(Leo): What about this? It has a plunging neckline- |
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They wouldn't believe me! I'm not a good actor! |
(Leo): You get very good reviews. |
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BECAUSE YOU WRITE THEM! |
(Leo): Ooh, ooh, ooh, look at this. It's perfect. Titania, Queen of the Fairies. |
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I can't wear that! It has wings on it! |
(Leo): We'll cut them off. |
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No. |
(Leo): Jack, don't you remember the good old days. We said we could do anything. And we believed it! You played Richard the third with that big hump on your back and you hobbled around the stage like some deranged homunculus. You played Romeo and bounded gracefully on to Juliet's balcony. You brought the house down. |
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I brought the balcony down. |
(Leo): Just that one night. |
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But Leo, those were all men! I can't play a woman! |
(Leo): Why not? |
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Because I'm a chap, a bloke, a guy! |
(Leo): Jack! Who do you think played the women's roles in Shakespeare's time? Huh? |
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Chaps? |
(Leo): Exactly. And how did they do it? |
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Small brassieres? |
(Leo): They did it with conviction. With sheer talent. Because they were actors, like you and me. And if this works, we can be successful actors. We can start over. Go to Los Angeles. Get another chance. Jack, it's the role of a lifetime. Will you meet the challenge? Will you rise to the occasion? Will you fulfill your destiny and save your best friend from a life of crushing disappointment and defeat? Yes or no?! |
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NO! |
(Leo): I'll take that as a yes. Now we'll get off at the next stop, send them a telegram, get into our costumes, get back on the train and then it's on to York, Pennsylvania! Ha ha! |
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"Due any time?" The outside!! I just met 'em and they're coming up The Path! And let me tell you, English girls are a whole other thing. These are not your ordinary women. I'll bring 'em in! Hey! This way! Come on, don't be shy. |
(Maxine): Hello, hello, hello, my darlings! Oh! How wonderful to arrive at long last into the bosom of my own dear family. "Oh! This blessed plot, this Earth, this round, New York, PA." |
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Are you really Maxine and Stephanie? |
(Maxine): No, I'm just Maxine. This is Stephanie. Stephanie, say hello to the nice people. |
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Oh, I'm sorry! I'm sorry I'm late, I'm AH! Is this...? Here. These flowers are for you. I'm your cousin Margaret. |
(Maxine): How... How... How do you do? Auntie Florence never told us you were so... Beautiful. |
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How do you do. |
(Maxine): Ah, I see that you're a man of the cloth. I find that so inspiring, so je ne sais quoi. Do you speak French? |
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No. |
(Maxine): Anyone? Ah, que jamais tout de suite à Sorbonne à la frommage et bon soir. Next. |
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This is Doc Meyers, who has taken such wonderful care of aunt Florence. |
(Maxine): How good of you to bother. |
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If you ever need an operation, just call me. I do plastic surgery on the side. |
(Maxine): But I don't need it on my side, it's my face that... Oh, ha! Next. |
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Over My Dead Body. |
(Maxine): And wouldn't that make an unusual ceremony. "Do you take this woman, standing on this dead body, to be your..." Ha! |
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Aww... |
(Maxine): How sweet. Such an affectionate little thing... That's enough! Now could you possibly take us to dear auntie Florence? |
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Well... |
(Maxine): What? Oh, no! I can see it in your face. We aren't too late, are we? |
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Maxine... |
(Maxine): Oh, no, no, no! |
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Maxine... |
(Maxine): I can't believe it! After all this time! Stephanie! Stephanie, listen to me! We're too late! Auntie Florence is dead! |
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Maxine! You're not too late. She isn't dead! |
(Maxine): Not dead? |
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No. She's hanging on. And she wants to see you. |
(Maxine): But-but-but- |
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Maxine? Where are you going? |
(Maxine): The news. It's overwhelming. We thought a little stroll might help us recover... |
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Maxine? Stephanie? |
(Maxine): Yes? |
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They're so beautiful! Magazine, my darling, it's really you... |
(Maxine): Auntie Florence, dear auntie Florence... You look so wealthy... Healthy! So rich in color. So loaded with charm. "Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety." |
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That must be Stephanie. |
(Maxine): No, its Shakespeare. Wait. Stephanie doesn't know yet. She thinks you're dead. Stephanie. Brace yourself. This is your auntie Florence. ... Yes, I agree. As soon as possible. She says it can't be Auntie Florence, you look so young. |
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Maxine, we'll be right back. She should be fine, don't worry. |
(Maxine): Can I help? |
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Alright, now let's get the hell out of here! |
(Leo): wait. Wait. Wait! Not yet! I think we should stay. |
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Stay? Are you crazy?! |
(Leo): Jack, this whole thing could still work. I mean, why not? |
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Because she's still alive. And she's really mean! |
(Leo): But she can't last much longer. She must be a thousand years old. |
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She could linger. Old people do that, they linger out of spite. |
(Leo): I say we give it a couple of weeks. |
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A couple of weeks?! |
(Leo): Shh! |
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Are you crazy?! Look at me! I have wings on! I feel like I'm in "Charlie's Aunt meets the fairy queen!" And where the hell did this Maxine creature come from?! |
(Leo): I have no idea. |
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She's from another planet. She's possessing you. It's like the "Invasion of the Body Snatchers!" |
(Leo): Look, how about this. We take it a day at a time. We spend the night, and if they get suspicious, we reconsider. |
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No. |
(Leo): It's worth it, Jack. |
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No! |
(Leo): Two million dollars! |
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No! |
(Leo): Jack! ... (Maxine): be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jump over Hello, you're back, you're back! |
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Am I interrupting? |
(Maxine): No no, no, no, no, no! You're just in time. Yes, Stephanie, of course you can take a stroll. Why don't you get one of those train schedules from the station. Then we'll know what time the little trainees will leave from here to go to other places. It might come in handy if we're ever in a hurry. Who knows? ... Now how is dear auntie Florence doing? |
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I'm afraid it doesn't look very good. It's been like this for months. But at least you made it before anything happened. She got to see you after all these years. That means a great deal to all of us. |
(Maxine): Thank you. |
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But... Oh I don't know how to put this... Could you tell me just one thing? About yourself. |
(Maxine): Yes, I-I suppose so. |
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It doesn't really matter at all, and I don't mean to pry. |
(Maxine): No, please. Go ahead. |
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Well.. Is it true that you are really... In the theater? |
(Maxine): The thea... Oh, oh, oh yes! Yes, I am. Absolutely. |
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Oh, I think that's so wonderful! My happiest memory in the world is when my father took me to Philadelphia to see my first Shakespeare. It was Twelfth Night, my favorite. |
(Maxine): My senior project at the Royal Academy was Twelfth Night. |
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The Royal Academy of dramatic art? In London? Oh God, you're my hero! |
(Maxine): I am? |
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Can I tell you a secret? If I could do anything in the whole world, I mean if somehow things changed like magic, overnight, all I'd ever want to do is be an actress. I want to recite Shakespeare every night and let those words just tumble out of me like a waterfall. I want to play Rosalind and Juliet and Cleopatra. Do you specialize in anything? |
(Maxine): Specialize? |
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You know, comedy, tragedy...? |
(Maxine): oh, I do a bit of everything. Comedy. Tragedy. comical-tragedy. "Tragical-comical-historical-pastoral, scene individual or poem unlimited." I did a Command Performance of Twelfth Night not long ago for the Queen of England. |
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What did you play? |
(Maxine): The Duke Orsino! ...'s lady love, the fair Olivia. |
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Oh my God, I give anything to have seen you in it. Do some for me. Would you? Just a little? |
(Maxine): Now? |
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Yes! |
(Maxine): Oh I couldn't. |
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Please! |
(Maxine): You embarrass me. |
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A few lines. Please! I Know It All by heart. I'll do violas lines. She's my favorite character in all the plays. "What I am, and what I would, or as secret as maidenhood: to your ears, Divinity, do any others profanation. Good Madam, let me see your face." |
(Maxine): "Have you any commission from your Lord to negotiate with my face? You are now out of your text. But we will draw the curtain and show you the picture." ... "Look you sir. Is't not well done?" |
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"Excellently done, if God did all." |
(Maxine): "'Tis in Grain, sir, 'twill endure wind and weather." |
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"O, if I did love you in my Master's flame, With such a suff'ring, such a deadly life, In your denial I would find no sense, I would not understand it." |
(Maxine): "Why, what would you?" |
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"Make me a willow cabin at your gate, And call upon my soul within the house, Write loyal cantons of contempt love, And sing them loud even in the dead of night, Halloo your name to the reverberate Hills, And make the Babbling gossip of the air Cry out "Olivia!" |
(Maxine?): ... We should get married. |
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What? |
(Maxine): You. You should get married. Are you married? |
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No. I'm not. |
(Maxine): Oh good! Isn't that splendid. |
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But I'm getting married next month. |
(Maxine): What? You are? Next month? |
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That's right. |
(Maxine): But-but-but you haven't met me yet! |
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I'm sorry? |
(Maxine): Met-met-met-me. To met-me. It's an Old English expression. It means to live life to the fullest. From the French, metmoyer. And who exactly is the lucky man? |
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You met him just now. Duncan. Reverend Wooley. |
(Maxine): Him? Reverend Woo-But-but my dear, you... You don't have an engagement ring. |
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Duncan says that rings are Earthly symbols of material wealth. |
(Maxine): You mean he's cheap. And where's the honeymoon? |
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He doesn't believe in honeymoons, either. But can I tell you a secret? Someday I want to go to Paris. |
(Maxine): Well of course you do. And you should want to. But are you in love with this Reverend Whosits? |
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Wooley. Yes, of course I am. You see, he was friends with my mother and father, here in York, and they passed away when I was young. He was very kind when they died, and help me get through it. And so it means a lot to me. That we can talk about them. |
(Maxine): Ah. |
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I think that's what love is, don't you? Having something you can share, then letting it grow. |
(Maxine): No, no, no, no, no! My dear, love is lightning. It makes you ache and cry and laugh and scream. It lingers your desire and makes you count the minutes till your wedding night so that your heart stops beating with the anticipation of it. |
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Have you ever been in love like that? |
(Maxine): Oh, yes... But what am I saying? I'm interfering and I shouldn't. I wish you every happiness in the world with that man. Duncan. Reverend Woolsack. |
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Thank you. You will be there for the wedding, won't you? Please say yes! It's three weeks from Sunday. |
(Maxine): Well, I'm afraid that all depends. I may have to... Meet someone in New York. A very dear friend of mine. Leo Clark. One of the greatest actors in The English-speaking world. I'm sure you've heard of him. |
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Yes, I have. |
(Maxine): You have? |
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I saw him about 2 years ago in Philadelphia doing scenes from Shakespeare. He was wonderful! I fell in love with him! Is he your boyfriend? |
(Maxine): Hm? No. No! Not at all. We're just very close. Inseparable, you might say. |
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This is so amazing. I was supposed to go see him last night. In Shrewsbury. Which is only twenty miles from here. In fact, you could go visit him right now, unless... Maxine? ... Hello? |
(Maxine): I wonder... |
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What? |
(Maxine): Shh! Don't interrupt.... I am getting the most marvelous idea. Margaret, what if Leo Clark came here to meet you... And the two of you put on a performance of Shakespeare, together. |
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... You're teasing me. |
(Maxine): I am not, now listen. You get married in just three and a half weeks. Right? So, in honor of your wedding, we plan a special event to make it truly Unforgettable: a scene from Shakespeare - no! A whole play - Twelfth Night - starring you and Leo Clark. |
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You are teasing me! |
(Maxine): No I am not! Look, Leo is close by. You are my cousin. And I would love the two of you to spend some time together... |
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Well first of all, he wouldn't do it. |
(Maxine): Of course he would! He's devoted to me! |
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But he'll be too busy! He must work all the time! |
(Maxine): Well, not all the time. |
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But he wouldn't do it with me! I'm not a real actress! I'm not good enough! |
(Maxine): Nonsense. |
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I'm not! |
(Maxine): Margaret, I just heard you! You were marvelous! |
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But I have no training. |
(Maxine): So he will give you lessons! Private acting lessons! And you'll spend a lot of time together! - which believe me, he wouldn't mind at all |
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Oh he'd hate that. |
(Maxine): He would kill for it. |
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But- |
(Maxine): Margaret. Didn't you tell me not five minutes ago that you would love to be an actress? More than anything in the world? Well here's your chance- and believe me, it isn't every day that chances- any chances -come along. Do it now, before life gets cold. |
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... All right, I'll do it. |
(Maxine): That's my girl! |
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We're! Oh my God. I can't believe it. And listen! Aunt Florence is giving a party the night before the wedding. We could do the performance then. |
(Maxine): Well that's perfection! |
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But it won't interfere with the wedding, will it? I mean you don't think Duncan would mind, do you? |
(Maxine): Noooooo. Of course not. |
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We're! This is incredible! Leo Clark! |
(Maxine): Yes?... Oh, yes! Leo Clark. The Leo Clark. |
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The New York Times called him "a living legend." It was on one of his Flyers. |
(Maxine): Yes, I remember that one... |
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So you'll call him? |
(Maxine): Who? |
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Mr Clark. |
(Maxine): Oh, yes yes yes. No problem. Leave It All To Me. |
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Alright... Would you like to see your room now? You must be exhausted. |
(Maxine): I think I'll wait here for Stephanie. If that's alright. |
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Oh yes. |
(Maxine): Your sure? |
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Of course. Anything you want. |
(Maxine): Anything? |
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You just have to name it and it's all yours. (GROAN) I'll be upstairs. When it gets really warm like this, I... No, I can't tell you. |
(Maxine): Oh tell me, please |
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I can't. |
(Maxine): Of course you can. |
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You won't tell anybody? |
(Maxine): I promise. It'll be just between us girls. |
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Well... When it gets really warm, I like to take off all my clothes and sprinkle water on my chest and just lie down on the bed spread out like a flag! Have you ever tried it? |
(Maxine): I do it all the time. |
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I'll see you later. |
(Maxine): Oh, Margaret. By the way, which room is mine and Stephanie's? |
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This one. Mine. We're all sharing. The three of us. Isn't that great?! |
(Maxine): ... Great. ... (Leo): Oh God. Now we're in trouble. Jack! Jack!... Stephanie! |
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Maxine! Did you hear that? She's talking! |
(Maxine): Oh thank God! It's a miracle! |
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(Duncan): no I'm not! It's just... I have been under a great deal of strain. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some charity work to do. (Meg): Yahhh! |
(Leo): Excuse me. Sorry. Is this the home of a Miss Florence Snider? |
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... Yes, it is. |
(Leo): Oh, good. I'm looking for someone who's staying here- |
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Maxine. |
(Leo): That's right. How do you...? |
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Your Leo Clarke, aren't you!? |
(Leo): Yes. |
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Oh, how do you do! Please, come in. I'm Maxine's cousin. Meg. And I am just so thrilled to meet you! Maxine has told me all about you. Which I knew already! Because of who you are. I mean, Leo Clark.... She'll be along in a minute. We just got back from a little shopping spree. She had something to do at the station. Well. She had to use the bathroom, but I suppose I shouldn't say that. Would you like to sit down? |
(Leo): I'm fine. |
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I just want to say how... Kind it is of you to come all this way. And I am so thrilled about being in a play with you... And and if you want to back out of it, I understand. I mean, you're an actor. A real actor. You have a body.... I mean, your body is trained. It's an instrument. A treasure. And my treasure isn't trained at all. My instrument. My body! The way yours is. |
(Leo): You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. I'll go find Maxine. |
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Oh, Stephanie. I just met the most intriguing man. |
(Leo): Sorry, just one more thing... |
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She's speechless. I know just how she feels. Stephanie is Maxine sister. Have you two met before? |
(Leo): No, but she's even prettier than Maxine said she was. Anyway, I just wanted to say that rehearsal starts tomorrow at ten. |
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Maxine is directing and mr. Clark and I are starring in it! Wait. Do you think that Stephanie could be in it? |
(Leo): Well, I suppose we could put her in the dance at the end. Like some enormous Elf or Sprite... |
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Wait! There are some lines I need to ask you about. For the play. I marked them in my coffee and it's in my room someplace. I'll be right back. Don't go away. All right? |
(Leo): Of course. |
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You crumb. |
(Leo): I can explain- |
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You traitor. |
(Leo): I did it for both of us. |
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You did not! You did it to get Meg! So you could just-just-just- |
(Leo): Jack! |
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You have put my entire life in jeopardy so you could have a little snug in the grass! |
(Leo): That's not true! |
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You want to play the hero and wear trousers and fool around, while I have to wear this stinking dress and this ****** BRASSIERE! |
(Leo): Would you keep it down! |
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NO! Hey! Where are you going?! |
(Leo): Any place until you keep your voice down. |
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"Item, two lips and different red; item, two grey eyes with lids to them-" |
(Leo): Good morning, everyone. It's time for rehearsal. Let's get started. Sofa, please. |
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Give us a- |
(Leo): *cough* |
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Oh, sorry. |
(Leo): Right. Sit down, sit down. |
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Hi everyone, I'm sorry I'm late. |
(Leo): One face, one voice, one habit and two persons; A natural perspective, that is, and is not. Sit down, please. Now Maxine, our esteemed director, has asked me to give you a few notes while she's out looking for props. |
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I thought she did that yesterday. |
(Leo): She's doing it again. |
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Oh. She does that quite a lot, doesn't she? |
(Leo): Well, Stephanie, there are a lot of props in the play. |
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And therefore she just disappears. |
(Leo): Exactly. |
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Aha. That's very informative. Thank you, Leo, you good-looking looking hunk of a man, you. |
(Leo): Thank you, Stephanie. Now Meg, I want to... Yes, Stephanie? |
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May I be excused? I have to use the little ladies. |
(Leo): Please do. |
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Thank you. I'll be back in a moment.... Give us a hug. Ta ta. |
(Leo): Now Meg we'll start with you. A general note, remember to keep your head up so we can see your face. |
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Right. |
(Leo): And I want you to articulate every word. "My father had a daughter." Try it. |
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" my father had a daughter loved a man- As it might be perhaps, we are a woman, I should your lordship." |
(Leo): "And what's her history?" |
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"A blank, my Lord. She never told her love, But let concealment, like a worm in the bud, Feed on her damask cheek. She pined in thought, And with a green and yellow Melancholy, She sat like patience on a monument, Smiling at grief. Was not this love indeed?" |
(Leo): Much better. Just keep practicing. Tongue, tongue. "Was not this love indeed." |
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"Was not this love indeed." |
(Leo): Good. Doctor. Because you're doubling as the Sea Captain and Sir Toby, you might want to create a different physical presence for each one. Perhaps, as the captain, you might stoop a little. The old sea-dog type. Then as Sir Toby, you might be more... Rollicking. |
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Rollicking. Got it. |
(Leo): Butch. |
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Yes sir! |
(Leo): Don't rush your lines so much. |
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I can't help it. I get nervous. |
(Leo): Try it for me. |
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Now? In front of everybody? |
(Leo): Butch, in ten days, you will be doing it in front of a hundred people. Stand up. ... Now just relax. Bend your knees a little. I let your arms hang at your sides. Look up. And relax your job. We'll get there. |
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Hi, I'm Doc Meyers. |
(Leo): Excuse me. Excuse me!... We're having a rehearsal. |
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Sorry... Sorry... |
(Leo): For those of you who don't know him this is Jack Gable, who used to be an old friend of mine. |
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Are you surprised to see me? Huh? Just a little? |
(Leo): No, I've been expecting you for quite some time. I was simply waiting for you to think of it. |
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Well, when I heard that you had arrived here, I thought "Now why should he have all the fun?" |
(Leo): Because I thought of it first and I have a real reason for being here. Ha. |
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Ha, ha. |
(Leo): Ha, ha, ha. |
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Ha ha ha ha |
(Leo): Hahahahahahahahahahaha ... Now please sit down, we're rehearsing. |
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Right. |
(Leo): All right. Butch. Your lines. And don't rush. |
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"Sir-Toby-Belch-how-now-Sir-Toby! I'll-stay-a-month-longer-I-am-a-fellow-of-the-strangest-mind-in-the-world-I-delight-in-masques-and-revels-sometimes-altogether-and-I-excel-at-kikshaws-of-every-kind-and-I-think-I-have-the-back-trick- |
(Leo): Stop, stop, STOP! THAT'S TOO FAST! No. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled. I'm sorry. |
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You know, I think Maxine could help right now. She listens better than you do. |
(Leo): Surprisingly, that's a good idea. I'll go find her. Everybody, take five. |
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Here, give us a hug... I mean, me a hug. Give me a hug. |
(Maxine): Darlings! Oh, My darlings, forgive me! Thank you, Leo! Take your time! I was scouting for props amid the roiling Sea of the York County Merchants. Jack! Jack! My dear boy! |
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Maxine! How good to see you! |
(Maxine): Oh let me look at you. Why, you've put on weight. You're getting enormously fat. |
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Well you look marvelous. You've always had that Big, Raw-boned mannish look. |
(Maxine): Why thank you. Aren't you sweet. Now Jack dear, do me a favor and go find Stephanie. I need her for rehearsal. And tell her to get into costume. |
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Costume? Now? |
(Maxine): Yes now, dear, before anyone gets hurt. |
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Oh all right. |
(Maxine): Now let's all take another minute while I settle down. Chat amongst yourselves. Whoo... Hot... I'm afraid I rushed too much... ... So. My dear. How is it coming along? Do you feel bright-eyed and bushy-tailed? |
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Well, it's coming, I guess. But not the way I hoped it would. |
(Maxine): Is something wrong? |
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Well not really. |
(Maxine): "Well not really." That doesn't sound very promising at all. Can you tell me about it? |
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Well, it's just... I've never done any real acting before and there's so much to remember. Head up. Enunciate. Move left, move right. You and Leo are professionals. And you work with professionals. From the Royal Academy! And they're all sophisticated, and they all know everything and they've been everywhere.... I just... I can't imagine what Leo must think of me. |
(Maxine): Margaret. Let me tell you something. I'll say it once, and I don't want to say it again. You are an extraordinary woman. You can do anything you set your mind to. And everyone has to start someplace. Olivier was born and some dinky little town in Southern England and Katherine Hepburn was born in Cape Cod someplace with a knife in your teeth. You are not defined by where you start, but where you end up. And as for the play, there are two rules for every actor: Remember your lines and don't bump into furniture. That is my line. Noel ask right. coward stole it from me. As for traveling or not traveling, you will get to Paris one of these days if I have to carry you on my back and swim. And when you get there, you will look around and say to yourself: I was just a sophisticated before I left, only now I need a bath. All right? |
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All right. |
(Maxine): Good. And remember: Lines, |
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And Furniture. Got it. Maxine... Thank you for staying for the wedding. |
(Maxine): My dear. I think of nothing else. |
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Well. Are you happy now? |
(Maxine): Stephanie. You look as redi- as Charming as I hope you would. Alright, everyone, lineup, please. Line up. Let me see my cast all together. Let's go... ... Now I want each of you to recite your favorite line from the play in character, reaching way down deep, showing me the absolute finest performance of what you are capable. Sir Toby. |
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"Ah, me. My stars shine Darkly over me. I seek in This Strange Land and my sister, My twin, and hope she is not drowned." |
(Maxine): And there you have it. Each one better than the next. Soon this room will be decorated like a fairyland and we, the actors of this comedy called life, will be presenting a one-in-a-million performance of Twelfth Night, and all I can say is may God be with us! |
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(Florence): Thank you. |
(Leo): Jack-! |
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If I have to dance one more minute and high heels, I'll kill myself. You should see them out there, hip, swag, hip, sweetie. I'm telling you it's a whole other sex. |
(Leo): Jack listen! We have to stop the wedding. |
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So the- ... Why? What are you talking about?! |
(Leo): So that I can marry Meg. |
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Marry her? I thought you just wanted to... |
(Leo): Jack, I'm in love with her! |
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Oh, really? So you've been stringing me along the whole time under false pretenses! And what about Julius Caesar?! Huh?! And and and King Lear, and Hamlet! That's what you live for! |
(Leo): Yes. I did. And I want all that. If it's possible. But yeah, I'm in love. Deeply in love. I want a house, and neighbors and the front door. |
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That was my idea! |
(Leo): And you were right! You were exactly right! And we're almost there. It could be us. |
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"Us?" What have I got to do with this? |
(Leo): Well you and Audrey. |
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What do you mean?! We're... Friends. |
(Leo): Jack, whenever she walks into the room, you start drooling. And last night she told me she's in love with you. She wants to marry you. |
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She said that? Hoo-hooooo! Ha-haaaaaaaa! Yes!!! Yyyyyyyyyyyes!!! I knew it! Ha-haaaaaaaa! Did she really say that? |
(Leo): No, but you can see the effect it has on you. |
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Leo-! |
(Leo): Now listen. Jack. You've got to help me. I have spent three weeks trying to convince Meg to leave Duncan to marry me and have gotten nowhere. She feels obligated to him. So, I have a plan. The final Gambit. I want you to seduce Duncan. Offer him your body. As Stephanie, of course. |
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What? |
(Leo): You see, this morning I told Duncan that I over heard Florence talking to her lawyer, cutting Margaret and Maxine out of her will and leaving everything to Stephanie. Well Duncan is beside himself! He wants the money for some Foundation or something. So if you give him even the slightest encouragement he'll go after you. Now here's the trick: Meg and I will be hiding behind the screen watching everything. We'll jump out and catch him the second he starts to undress you. |
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Un-un-undress- |
(Leo): It's the old screen Gambit, like in Twelfth Night and School for Scandal. |
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Are you crazy? ARE YOU NUTS?!!!!!!!!! |
(Leo): Jack! You have to do this. When Meg sees him for what he is, she'll give him up! Then I can marry her! |
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No. |
(Leo): Please. |
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No! |
(Leo): Jack, you're my best friend! If I ever needed you in my whole life I Need You Now! |
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I spent the last four weeks of my life dressed as a woman, I can't take a bath without you guarding the door, and I have nightmares, really horrible nightmares, about talking brassieres! |
(Leo): Is that a yes? |
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Yes. |
(Leo): Good. Here's the letter. |
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What letter? |
(Leo): From you to Duncan. See? "Duncan." It says that you'll meet him here at 8 o'clock and that you find him sexually attractive. |
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Yes? No! No Jack. Not here. All gone. |
(Leo): Stephanie, you can ask her now. |
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Huh? |
(Leo): She's so shy. She wants you to deliver this letter. |
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Hi everybody. Sorry to interrupt. Has anyone seen Duncan? |
(Leo): Duncan, Duncan, never heard of them. They're playing Our Song. Shall we dance? |
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Well. I can't believe it's finally happening. The wedding, I mean. I've actually been remarkably calm about it. Up to now. I don't know why, I guess it seems so far away. But then suddenly, last night, as I was lying there in bed, my stomach is very tight, and my heart started- |
(Leo): *Kiss* |
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No! |
(Leo): Meg. I love you. |
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Leo, stop. |
(Leo): I can't. I love you more than anything in the world. |
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I'm getting married tomorrow! |
(Leo): Then don't. Not to him. Marry me instead. |
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Leo, I can't do that! I promised Duncan! |
(Leo): But he's not right for you! Man, you deserve a life! You have to see Paris, and do some acting and travel the world! Now I have a plan, so just listen. You and I are going to stand right here, behind the screen and watch Duncan try to make lo- |
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I've got to go. |
(Leo): Not yet. |
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I need Maxine! I have to talk to her! |
(Leo): Maxine!? |
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I have to find her right now! |
(Leo): Oh no. No no. No no. Wait! |
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Why hello there, Leo. |
(Leo): You're early. Go away and come back. |
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Oh, Maxine! Where have you been?! I need to talk to you! |
(Maxine): My dear, what's the matter? |
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I need your advice! I don't know what to do! |
(Maxine): Now, now, just calm down and start at the beginning. And whatever it is: follow your heart. It's always the way. |
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Alright. It's about Leo. You know how well I've gotten to know him over the past few weeks and no, I just think the world of him. He's gentle, and thoughtful, and... |
(Maxine): Kind and handsome. Go on, go on. |
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Well, tonight, while I was dancing with him, he... Kiss me. And when he did, something totally unexpected happened. Inside me. And I realize, while I was kissing him... Oh, I don't know how to say this. |
(Maxine): Try, try. |
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I'm sure it's wrong. |
(Maxine): Tell me. |
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Oh, I can't do it! |
(Maxine): Margaret, tell me right now. |
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... Alright. While I was kissing him, I was... Thinking of you. Maxine, I think I'm in love with you. |
(Maxine): ... No. You're not. |
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I think I am. |
(Maxine): You are not! Oh, darling, you're just confused. I mean, of course Leo and I are similar in some ways... |
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Like two halves of the same Apple! I mean, do I love him at all? Yes of course I do. He's funny and kind and... |
(Maxine): Sexy? |
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Well I guess a little bit. But the thing is, I love you more! I guess it's wrong, but it just feels, when you're not around me, that something is missing. I wouldn't have dared to say anything, but I know you feel the same way. I know it. I can see it sometimes when you look at me. Sort of cross-eyed with your mouth hanging open. |
(Maxine): No, that's just me. |
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Maxine, I'm being very brave and you aren't helping me! |
(Maxine): I will help you, just listen! Life can be complicated. Right now it's extremely complicated. For reasons that have nothing to do with you. |
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You don't love me, do you? |
(Maxine): Of course I love you- |
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But not in the same way. |
(Maxine): Well not exactly- |
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Oh, Maxine, I shouldn't have told you. I should just marry Duncan. |
(Maxine): No, you shouldn't! |
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I'll never mention it again. |
(Maxine): Mention it, please- |
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I am so sorry! |
(Maxine): No. Meg, wait-! Wait! |
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Where the hell were you! You weren't there! Behind the screen! And I was attacked! |
(Leo): By Duncan? |
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No! By dr. West, monster of medicine. He thought the letter was for him. |
(Leo): Why? |
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How should I know! Duncan must have thought I was insane. |
(Leo): Did he try anything? |
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No, he stuffed a telegram in my hand. Maybe, for a minister, that's foreplay. |
(Leo): What telegram? What did it say? |
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I don't know! I didn't read it! |
(Leo): Do you still have it? |
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I guess... Yes, here it is. So what? |
(Leo): "Apologize for delay. Stop." |
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"General strike at fault. Stop." |
(Leo): "Will arrive at eight fifteen tonight. Stop." |
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"Maxine and Stephanie." |
(Leo): YAHHHHH! ... Eight-fifteen! That's in five minutes! What do we do?! |
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Get the hell out of here! |
(Leo): But I can't leave Meg. |
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Forget about Meg! We're about to be arrested as women! They'd put us in woman's prison. With a female truck drivers with tight t-shirts and tattoos! ... Well, maybe that's not so bad... |
(Leo): Wait a second. If we're men, we're in the clear. |
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What do you mean? |
(Leo): When the girls arrive, everybody will be looking for the first Maxine and Stephanie. So we have to change and become Leo and Jack again! |
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Florence, just don't ask questions! |
(Leo): ... Duncan. |
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Oh, how did I ever let you talk me into this? |
(Leo): You weren't complaining for the last four weeks, when you were slobbering over Audrey. |
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But what about you? If I hadn't gone along with all this, you wouldn't have meant Meg. |
(Leo): Well that's true. Except now she says she's attracted to Maxine. |
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Attracted? |
(Leo): Attracted. |
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But you're not even pretty as a girl. |
(Leo): Look who's Talking! |
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|
Well, I can't be too bad, because two Men just kissed me on the the lips! |
(Leo): look, that's not the point! The point is, I'm in love with Meg. She is the greatest woman that ever walked this Earth. I don't care if she's slow, I don't care if she's gullible, I don't even mind that's squint she has in one eye. I'm in love with her. |
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Gee, that's really nice, it's a lovely thought, I know just how you feel BUT I NEED MY CLOTHES! |
(Leo): All right, all right! Come on. We'll both change, then find the girls and tell them everything. But we have to do it just right, because this whole thing makes them look really, really stupid. |
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You are the most a obstreperous, abominable, loathsome, odious, deplorable, despicable, obnoxious, vilr, detestable man I have ever met! And of course I'll marry you! You just had to ask! And I'll give us a hug! |
(Leo): Meg! |
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Leo, listen to me, I have to talk to you! |
(Leo): Well I have something to tell you too. |
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|
Let me go first, it's important. After I left you on the Dance Floor, I went to see Maxine. I was confused, and oh, I said some silly things, but while I was with her, she gave me some very good advice. She told me that I should follow my heart. And now that I've had a chance to think, I know exactly what you meant. So I'm marrying Duncan tomorrow morning. |
(Leo): Huh? |
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|
"Follow your heart." I made a commitment to him. That's what you meant. She wants me to marry him. |
(Leo): No, she doesn't. |
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|
That was her way of reminding me that honor and Trust are so important! |
(Leo): No they're not! That's not what she meant! |
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Leo. Thank you for everything. Goodbye. |
(Leo): No! Wait! Look, look, look! Wait, wait! Look! Wait! Look! I'll go find Maxine and she'll tell you exactly what she thinks. |
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I know what she thinks. |
(Leo): No you don't! I mean, you-you-you think you know... |
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I'm sorry, Leo. |
(Leo): Please. Please! Just one more chance! Let her talk to you! Please! |
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... All right. I'll give her one minute to come in here and tell me what she thinks. And if she isn't here by then I'm eating Duncan. Oh and I want you to be here too. You and Maxine together. Then we'll get it all straightened out. |
(Leo): Together? |
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That's right. |
(Leo): Together! Right! One minute! Me and Leo. Me and Maxine! I'll find her. And mail her. Bring her. We'll be here!... ****! |
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I'll be right back! |
(Maxine): Darling girl, there you are! Now listen, you misunderstood me. I want you to marry Leo, that Divine young man- And he's right outside. Come in, darling!... What?! What's that you said?! Oh no! He's hurt his leg! I'll send them in. You stay right here. |
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Leo- |
(Leo): Meg, I'm right out here! I've hurt my leg and I can't come in! (Maxine): of course you can, just put a little weight on it. (Leo): Ow, that really hurts! ... (Leo): Here I am, Meg! Now Maxine says you should marry me - But I've hurt my leg so I let her do all the Talking. Bye! |
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Leo- |
(Maxine): Oh you Brave young man! Of course you should marry you and not Duncan! (Leo): Then go inside and tell her! (Maxine): I'll do it right now! |
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Leo-! |
(Maxine): I'm right here! Here I am! Now Meg, you really must marry Leo. He's such a lovely boy, and so handsome and- |
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Leo, stop it! |
(Maxine): Leo?... Leo, she's talking to you so listen carefully! |
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Would you please just stop it! I know it's you! I know your Leo! And Stephanie is Jack! I know everything! |
(Leo): You do? |
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Yes! Now get out of here, fast. The police are here! |
(Leo): But I can't leave you. |
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You have to! You'll be arrested! |
(Leo): Meg, I love you. |
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I know that! And I love you! |
(Leo): You do? |
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Yes. |
(Leo): Will you marry me? |
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Yes! |
(Leo): Wait! I came here to take your money. |
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I know that! |
(Leo): *Kiss* |
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If I were you, I'd get the hell out of here. |
(Leo): Aren't you even a little surprised? |
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Why? Because I'm old? Now listen carefully. Old: smart. Young: nitwits. Now go! |
(Leo): Right. |
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Aha! Gotcha! |
(Maxine): Duncan. My dear old friend. How delightful to see you again. "Ah, the friends thou hast, grapple them to thy soul with Hoops of Steel." |
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Oh my gosh! Most incredible thing just happened! I'm out there talking to these two women, and they tell me their names are Maxine and Stephanie. And my job, it hits the floor, you know?! Then out of the blue two policemen show up and then Whamo! They take one look at these women and go "Aha Trixie McCall! Bubbles Chauffer! Hands up!" Then the girls make a run for it, and the policeman knock them down! And it turns out the girls are well known Crooks! They sent a telegram and pretended to be your nieces just to get your money! Can you imagine?! |
(Maxine): Oh, this weekend, wicked world. |
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Duncan. I believe you owe "Maxine" an apology. |
(Maxine): No, no, please. Don't. We all make mistakes. It is forgiveness that makes the world a better place. Reverend Wooley got a little confused, and don't we all sometimes? |
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Audrey! |
(Maxine): Now it's our turn. |
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Tell me what?! |
(Maxine): Margaret and I are getting married. |
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Oh my gosh. It's time for the show! |
(Maxine): Places, everyone! Act one places! Let's go! |
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The chair! Put it here!/We need the hats!/I've got mine./What about the wig?/Where's my sword!? I need my sword!/My line! I can't remember my first line! |
(Leo): What did you mean that "maybe" I was a little sexy? |
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I was just teasing. Because I knew it was you all along. |
(Leo): You did not! |
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I did so! And the moment you walk through the door, I knew there was something funny going on because- |
(Leo): *kiss* |
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Would you two stop it! We have a show to put on! |
(Leo): I'm ready. |
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All set! |
(Maxine): Ladies and gentleman, the curtain is going up, ... AND THE PLAY BEGINS. |
