Interpersonal Communication Test 2

Front 1

Initiating

Back 1

"Hi, how ya doing?"
"Fine, you?"

Front 2

Experimenting

Back 2

"Oh so you like to ski?"
Great, me too, Where do you go?"

Front 3

Intensifying

Back 3

"I..I.. I think I love you."
"I love you too"

Front 4

Integrating

Back 4

"I feel so much a part of you"
" Yeah, we are like one person, what happens to you happens to me."

Front 5

Bonding

Back 5

"I want to be with you always"
"Lets get married"

Front 6

Differentiating

Back 6

" I just don't like big social gatherings"
Sometimes I just don't understand you, this is one area where we are just not alike."

Front 7

Circumscribing

Back 7

"Did you have a good time on your trip?"
What time will dinner be ready?"

Front 8

Stagnating

Back 8

"Whats there to talk about?"
"Yeah, you know what I am going to say and you know what I am going to say"

Front 9

Avoiding

Back 9

I'm just so busy that I don't know when I'll be able to see you.
"If I'm not around when you try, you'll understand"

Front 10

Terminating

Back 10

"I'm leaving you and don't try to contact me."
"Don't worry"

Front 11

Love Style: Storage

Back 11

-stability, comfort, friendship, joint activity
- physical attraction is not as important as these things
- emotions tend to be positive but muted.

Front 12

Love Style: Agapic

Back 12

- puts one lover above ones self
- highly correlated to religiosity
- more focused on giving than receiving
-mothers become agapic
-sacrificial

Front 13

Love Style: Manic (possesive love)

Back 13

-feeling of ownership over lover
- women typically rate higher
- demanding, dependent and possessive
-emotional roller coaster

Front 14

Love Style: Pragma

Back 14

Logical Love
- Cognitive appreciation for others quality
- women are typically higher
-shopping list lover " I need these things to be happy"
- Rational- leave if a better fit comes along.
- Social Exchange theory makes sense to them, "Waffling!"

Front 15

Love Style: Ludic

Back 15

- game playing love
- flirtatious and not committed
- men typically higher in the scale.
- avoid commitment
- easily transfer affection to one another
PRINCIPLE OF LEAST INTEREST

Front 16

Love Style: Eros

Back 16

- Love at first sight
- Passionate
- Men Typically rate higher
- intense and passionate
- higher levels of PDA and non verbals
- high levels of self disclosure
- you love, love

Front 17

Conflict

Back 17

an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties, scarce resources and interference from others in achieving their goals

Front 18

4 Levels of Conflict:

Back 18

1. Specific, concrete behaviors (toothpaste, toilet paper)

2. Relational rules and norms

3.Personality traits (irresponsible, stubborn)

4. Metaconflict: conflict about how we engage in conflict (pouting, nagging, not listening, fighting unfairly, temper tantrums)

Front 19

Conflict dimensions:

Back 19

1. Concern for others: involves wanting to get along with your partner and attempting to satisfy your partner’s needs


2.Concern for self: wanting to satisfy your own interests

When concern for others and concern for self are considered together = five conflict styles

Front 20

Competing style:
high concern for self, low concern for others

Back 20

Characterized by aggressive, uncooperative behavior
try to win at all costs
Tactics include
personal criticism
verbal hostility
rejecting statements (oh, come on)

Front 21

Advantages for Competing Style: high concern for self, low concern for others

Back 21

useful if the external goal is more important than the relationship
useful in emergencies
can generate creative ideas when parties respond well to competition

Disadvantages: can harm the relationship
for one to win, the other must lose

Front 22

Avoiding style: 
low concern for self, low concern for other
Advantages & Disadvantages

Back 22

-useful if issue is trivial
if other important issues demand your attention
- Disadvantages:
shows you don’t care enough about the relationship to discuss the problem
keeps you from working through a conflict allows conflict to simmer and possibly explode later

Front 23

Accommodating Style: 
low concern for self, high concern for others

Back 23

- can become doormats
- Tactics:giving up/giving in,
denying own needs (It’s OK, I’m not hungry)

Front 24

Advantages & Disadvantages of Accommodating Style:

Back 24

good to accommodate if you’re wrong
if relational harmony is more important than your goal
Disadvantages:
you can come to resent accommodating your partner all the time

Front 25

Compromising Style:

moderate concern for self, moderate concern for others

Back 25

Both parties give up some important goals to gain others.
Give a little to get a little, meet halfway

Front 26

Compromising Style Advantages and Disadvantages:

Back 26

Advantages:
lets conflict parties accomplish some important goals

appears reasonable
Disadvantages:
can be seen as lose-lose situation

Front 27

Collaborating Style: 
high concern for self, high concern for other

Back 27

Creative solution that is satisfying for both parties

Both parties work together to find a mutually desirable outcome

Front 28

Collaborater Advantages & Disadvantages:

Back 28

Advantages:
win-win situation
shows respect for the other party
you appear reasonable
affirms the importance of both the relationship and both parties’ goals
Disadvantages:
- Takes a lot of time

Front 29

Batna & Zopa

Back 29

Leave and come back with three answers to the problem
Batha
1.
2.
3
Zopa
1.
2.
3.
: Find a "zone of potential agreement"

BATNA: Best alternative to negotiated agreement

Front 30

Five Types of Couples:

Back 30

Volatiles (typically competitors)
- couples who fight on a grand scale and make up on a even grander one.

Validators:
-couples who let each other know they consider each other’s emotions and opinions valid, even if they don’t agree with them
-conflicts are calm, problem-solving discussions, not heated battles

Avoiders:
-conflict minimizers; they agree to disagree

Hostiles: (the four horseman)
argue often and hotly, putdowns, insults unstable and unsatisfying.

Demand/withdraw: (wife demands, husband withdraws)
-one partner approaches the other about a problem, and the partner responds by avoiding the issue or the person

Front 31

John Gottman:

Back 31

percent accuracy which non-newlywed couples will remain married and which will divorce four to six years later

____ percent accurate in predicting which marriages will survive after seven to nine years.

How people talk, not the content, is the key

The coding system focuses on the positive or negative nature of what the spouses recall and how they refer to their partner

Front 32

What predicts divorce?

Back 32

4 Negative communication behavior patterns:
1 criticism
2 defensiveness (5.6 average divorce rate)
3. contempt
4. stonewalling
(of the first, contempt is the worse. Consider the definition of liking)

Front 33

Avoiding divorce:
1. Stick to the topic

Back 33

Avoid gunnysacking
storing up old issues and bringing them all up during conflicts
Don’t switch to an issue you think you can win.
Attack the other person’s position, not the other person
attacking the other person’s self-concept, name-calling, criticizing

Front 34

Avoiding divorce:
2. Don’t bring other people into the conflict

Back 34

Avoid saying, “So-and-so says...”
Avoid bad-mouthing your partner’s friends or family.
Avoid claiming that other people would act in more positive ways than your partner.
Avoid discussing your conflict with biased third parties.

Front 35

Avoiding divorce:
3. Active listening

Back 35

Minimize interruptions
Put yourself in your partner’s place.
Don’t jump to conclusions
Ask clarifying questions.
“I hate the way you act when we’re around your frat buddies”
“What specific behavior do you dislike?”
Paraphrase what your partner says.

Front 36

Avoiding divorce:
What is overlapping?

Back 36

interrupting

Front 37

Avoid the “four horsemen of the apocalypse”

Back 37

Criticism: attacking someone’s personality or character rather than a specific behavior, blaming, accusing your partner, usually involves making generalizations (always/never)

Front 38

Contempt:

Back 38

feelings of disgust and lack of respect for your partner using hostile humor mockery and sarcasm to put down other person. nonverbal signs include sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip.

Front 39

Defensiveness:

Back 39

denying responsibility for the situation, making excuses, yes-butting, cross-complaining, rubber man/rubber woman, etc.

Front 40

Stonewalling:

Back 40

withdrawing from the interaction, stop listening, stop responding

Front 41

The number one predictor of divorce is the __________of conflict.



Back 41

habitual avoidance

(And what's sad is the reason we avoid conflict is because we believe it will cause divorce.)

Front 42

Gender Conflict Difference

Back 42

Women are more likely to criticize. Women initiate 80% of arguments in marriage.
Men are typically less effective when expressing themselves and therefore more likely to withdraw. Unfortunately, the withdrawal has a negative effect.

Front 43

“flooding”

Back 43

a physiological phenomenon triggered by emotional conflict — leaves people’s heart rates too high for them to clearly concentrate on the conversation

Front 44

Happiest couples

Back 44

speak in one voice because they are so tuned into each other's wants and desires
know the value of their partner in their life
know they are not out to get them.

Front 45

Unhappiest couples

Back 45

no symmetry, no respect
nasty with each other
struggle to find positive things to say about each other or the relationship

Front 46

Per Gottman

Back 46

Happily married couples behave like good friends, handle their conflict in positive gentle ways

- able to repair negative information.

Front 47

Conflict in Marriage: The Wife

Back 47

wife's opening statement is usually in the form of a criticism (a global attack such as, "You're lazy and never do anything around the house") rather than a specific complaint ("You didn't take out the trash last night")

Front 48

The Husband

Back 48

Husband's initial reaction is either defensive or withdraw heading for divorce
Husband not escalate or negative in more stable marriages
Male ability to deal with conflict is a great predictor of the outcome of a marriage

Front 49

Gottman’s overall suggestions for success

Back 49

Seek help early. 
Edit yourself.
Soften your "start up."
Accept influence: MEN!
Have high standards.
Learn to repair and exit the argument.
Focus on the bright side.

Front 50

Love map

Back 50

the imaginary place in your head where you store all of the relevant information about your partner's life - their dreams, aspirations, worries and fears.
Love maps are about knowing your partner and being known.

Front 51

Focus on the relationship stages!

Back 51

Focus on the relationship stages!

Front 52

For Enneagram--

Back 52

learn each style.