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52 Cards in this Set

  • Front
  • Back
"Hi, how ya doing?"
"Fine, you?"
"Oh so you like to ski?"
Great, me too, Where do you go?"
"I..I.. I think I love you."
"I love you too"
"I feel so much a part of you"
" Yeah, we are like one person, what happens to you happens to me."
"I want to be with you always"
"Lets get married"
" I just don't like big social gatherings"
Sometimes I just don't understand you, this is one area where we are just not alike."
"Did you have a good time on your trip?"
What time will dinner be ready?"
"Whats there to talk about?"
"Yeah, you know what I am going to say and you know what I am going to say"
I'm just so busy that I don't know when I'll be able to see you.
"If I'm not around when you try, you'll understand"
"I'm leaving you and don't try to contact me."
"Don't worry"
Love Style: Storage
-stability, comfort, friendship, joint activity
- physical attraction is not as important as these things
- emotions tend to be positive but muted.
Love Style: Agapic
- puts one lover above ones self
- highly correlated to religiosity
- more focused on giving than receiving
-mothers become agapic
Love Style: Manic (possesive love)
-feeling of ownership over lover
- women typically rate higher
- demanding, dependent and possessive
-emotional roller coaster
Love Style: Pragma
Logical Love
- Cognitive appreciation for others quality
- women are typically higher
-shopping list lover " I need these things to be happy"
- Rational- leave if a better fit comes along.
- Social Exchange theory makes sense to them, "Waffling!"
Love Style: Ludic
- game playing love
- flirtatious and not committed
- men typically higher in the scale.
- avoid commitment
- easily transfer affection to one another
Love Style: Eros
- Love at first sight
- Passionate
- Men Typically rate higher
- intense and passionate
- higher levels of PDA and non verbals
- high levels of self disclosure
- you love, love
an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties, scarce resources and interference from others in achieving their goals
4 Levels of Conflict:
1. Specific, concrete behaviors (toothpaste, toilet paper)

2. Relational rules and norms

3.Personality traits (irresponsible, stubborn)

4. Metaconflict: conflict about how we engage in conflict (pouting, nagging, not listening, fighting unfairly, temper tantrums)
Conflict dimensions:
1. Concern for others: involves wanting to get along with your partner and attempting to satisfy your partner’s needs

2.Concern for self: wanting to satisfy your own interests

When concern for others and concern for self are considered together = five conflict styles
Competing style:
high concern for self, low concern for others
Characterized by aggressive, uncooperative behavior
try to win at all costs
Tactics include
personal criticism
verbal hostility
rejecting statements (oh, come on)
Advantages for Competing Style: high concern for self, low concern for others
useful if the external goal is more important than the relationship
useful in emergencies
can generate creative ideas when parties respond well to competition

Disadvantages: can harm the relationship
for one to win, the other must lose
Avoiding style: 
low concern for self, low concern for other
Advantages & Disadvantages
-useful if issue is trivial
if other important issues demand your attention
- Disadvantages:
shows you don’t care enough about the relationship to discuss the problem
keeps you from working through a conflict allows conflict to simmer and possibly explode later
Accommodating Style: 
low concern for self, high concern for others
- can become doormats
- Tactics:giving up/giving in,
denying own needs (It’s OK, I’m not hungry)
Advantages & Disadvantages of Accommodating Style:
good to accommodate if you’re wrong
if relational harmony is more important than your goal
you can come to resent accommodating your partner all the time
Compromising Style:

moderate concern for self, moderate concern for others
Both parties give up some important goals to gain others.
Give a little to get a little, meet halfway
Compromising Style Advantages and Disadvantages:
lets conflict parties accomplish some important goals

appears reasonable
can be seen as lose-lose situation
Collaborating Style: 
high concern for self, high concern for other
Creative solution that is satisfying for both parties

Both parties work together to find a mutually desirable outcome
Collaborater Advantages & Disadvantages:
win-win situation
shows respect for the other party
you appear reasonable
affirms the importance of both the relationship and both parties’ goals
- Takes a lot of time
Batna & Zopa
Leave and come back with three answers to the problem
: Find a "zone of potential agreement"

BATNA: Best alternative to negotiated agreement
Five Types of Couples:
Volatiles (typically competitors)
- couples who fight on a grand scale and make up on a even grander one.

-couples who let each other know they consider each other’s emotions and opinions valid, even if they don’t agree with them
-conflicts are calm, problem-solving discussions, not heated battles

-conflict minimizers; they agree to disagree

Hostiles: (the four horseman)
argue often and hotly, putdowns, insults unstable and unsatisfying.

Demand/withdraw: (wife demands, husband withdraws)
-one partner approaches the other about a problem, and the partner responds by avoiding the issue or the person
John Gottman:
percent accuracy which non-newlywed couples will remain married and which will divorce four to six years later

____ percent accurate in predicting which marriages will survive after seven to nine years.

How people talk, not the content, is the key

The coding system focuses on the positive or negative nature of what the spouses recall and how they refer to their partner
What predicts divorce?
4 Negative communication behavior patterns:
1 criticism
2 defensiveness (5.6 average divorce rate)
3. contempt
4. stonewalling
(of the first, contempt is the worse. Consider the definition of liking)
Avoiding divorce:
1. Stick to the topic
Avoid gunnysacking
storing up old issues and bringing them all up during conflicts
Don’t switch to an issue you think you can win.
Attack the other person’s position, not the other person
attacking the other person’s self-concept, name-calling, criticizing
Avoiding divorce:
2. Don’t bring other people into the conflict
Avoid saying, “So-and-so says...”
Avoid bad-mouthing your partner’s friends or family.
Avoid claiming that other people would act in more positive ways than your partner.
Avoid discussing your conflict with biased third parties.
Avoiding divorce:
3. Active listening
Minimize interruptions
Put yourself in your partner’s place.
Don’t jump to conclusions
Ask clarifying questions.
“I hate the way you act when we’re around your frat buddies”
“What specific behavior do you dislike?”
Paraphrase what your partner says.
Avoiding divorce:
What is overlapping?
Avoid the “four horsemen of the apocalypse”
Criticism: attacking someone’s personality or character rather than a specific behavior, blaming, accusing your partner, usually involves making generalizations (always/never)
feelings of disgust and lack of respect for your partner using hostile humor mockery and sarcasm to put down other person. nonverbal signs include sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip.
denying responsibility for the situation, making excuses, yes-butting, cross-complaining, rubber man/rubber woman, etc.
withdrawing from the interaction, stop listening, stop responding
The number one predictor of divorce is the __________of conflict.

habitual avoidance

(And what's sad is the reason we avoid conflict is because we believe it will cause divorce.)
Gender Conflict Difference
Women are more likely to criticize. Women initiate 80% of arguments in marriage.
Men are typically less effective when expressing themselves and therefore more likely to withdraw. Unfortunately, the withdrawal has a negative effect.
a physiological phenomenon triggered by emotional conflict — leaves people’s heart rates too high for them to clearly concentrate on the conversation
Happiest couples
speak in one voice because they are so tuned into each other's wants and desires
know the value of their partner in their life
know they are not out to get them.
Unhappiest couples
no symmetry, no respect
nasty with each other
struggle to find positive things to say about each other or the relationship
Per Gottman
Happily married couples behave like good friends, handle their conflict in positive gentle ways

- able to repair negative information.
Conflict in Marriage: The Wife
wife's opening statement is usually in the form of a criticism (a global attack such as, "You're lazy and never do anything around the house") rather than a specific complaint ("You didn't take out the trash last night")
The Husband
Husband's initial reaction is either defensive or withdraw heading for divorce
Husband not escalate or negative in more stable marriages
Male ability to deal with conflict is a great predictor of the outcome of a marriage
Gottman’s overall suggestions for success
Seek help early. 
Edit yourself.
Soften your "start up."
Accept influence: MEN!
Have high standards.
Learn to repair and exit the argument.
Focus on the bright side.
Love map
the imaginary place in your head where you store all of the relevant information about your partner's life - their dreams, aspirations, worries and fears.
Love maps are about knowing your partner and being known.
Focus on the relationship stages!
Focus on the relationship stages!
For Enneagram--
learn each style.