I Do, I Do, I Do (Act One, Scene One)

Front 1

Holly: Oh, around. Except for Father. He'll be in Madrid or Frankfurt or somewhere, juggling billions.

(Jamie Enters)

Back 1

Oh, you're here. Thought I heard a car.

Front 2

Holly: Here he is. The unblushing bridegroom. Jamie, this is Tom.

Back 2

(shaking hands) Heard all about you.

Front 3

Tom: Don't believe any of it.

Back 3

No, not too bad actually. Want to watch yourself though if you're taking her on.

Front 4

Holly: Thank you, sweetie - I love you too.

Back 4

Lot's of Michelin star dinners and a good spanking now and then - that ought to do it.

Front 5

Holly: Isn't he insufferable?

Tom: I gather the weddings in a month.

Back 5

Yes. Terrifying thought.

Front 6

Tom: Why?

Back 6

We've been more-or-less together for four years, for Christ sake. Known each other most of our lives. What on earth do we want a posh wedding for?

Front 7

Tom: So why...?

Back 7

Parents' big day. Mother's chance to splash out. How could we deny her her fun?

Front 8

Holly: Marshall. She could have had practically any man she ever met but she chose my plonky brother. He doesn't deserve her.

Back 8

No, I don't, but there you are. Would you like a drink or something?

Front 9

Tom: It's less than an hour - I'm fine. Do I get to meet the bride this weekend?

Back 9

Oh I expect you'll meet everyone. She'll be round soon. Best man too. All curious to meet little sister's new man.

Front 10

Tom: Oh hell.

Back 10

Don't worry, they're quite tame. But we're one big family round here. Grew up together. Very country bumpkin incestuous.

Front 11

Tom: Hardly country bumpkin.

Back 11

Well, no. They used to call it stockbroker belt. Now it's banker belt. And braces too.

Front 12

Tom: Are you in banking also?

Back 12

Good God no! Didn't she tell you?

Front 13

Tom: I, er...We haven't known each other very long.

Back 13

Long enough to get her into bed, I hope.

Front 14

Holly: Oh, Jamie...

Back 14

Sorry. Prurient mind. No, I'm a bit of a lost cause so far. Tried academics, tried the law, tried PR. Sinking lower and lower - probably end up in politics.

Front 15

Tom: What's wrong with banking?

Back 15

I want to keep some friends.

Front 16

Tom: Your father's done all right at it.

Back 16

Yes, well you should never tread where a parent's trod. Shows you've no mind of your own. Though some would say I haven't.

Front 17

Holly: He has, but it's a weird one.

Back 17

You're an architect, I gather.

Front 18

Tom: Yes. Struggling. Tough business unless you settle for lofts and renovations.

Back 18

Well Mother will approve - gives you a head start. Play your cards right, she'll commission a new conservatory.

Front 19

Holly: Where is she?

Back 19

Um - three guesses. Garden, regimenting roses. Closeted with personal pilates instructor. On the internet ordering from Fortnums.

Front 20

Tom: Is that the Thinker?

Back 20

Know your Rodins (roh-dans), do you?

Front 21

Holly: Common sense, rationality. Great believer in rationality, aren't you Jamie? Just doesn't practice it very often.

Back 21

Whereas Holly's a great believer in irrationality and practices it all the time. Like most women.

Front 22

Holly: Sexist too. I told you we were a ghastly family.

Back 22

Well, it's true. Mother won't embark on anything unless she's first consulted with her personal astrologist. If that isn't irrational, I don't know what is.

Front 23

Holly: That's Geoff. Best man. (calls) In the lounge! (adds) Like a brother really.

Back 23

And there was a time when she wasn't averse to a spot of incest.

Front 24

Geoff: You're the architect chap.

Back 24

And frustrated sculptor.

Front 25

Geoff: Mmm, well...Hi, Jamie. Wedding still on, is it?

Back 25

Just about. Big row brewing though.

Front 26

Geoff: Another one? What about?

Back 26

Father's given Mother a list of fifteen business associates, together with wives, who he says just have to come. Nobody knows any of them but they're all highly important to our futures apparently.

Front 27

Geoff: Wow.

Back 27

That'll put the numbers up to two hundred. Diana's parents will go berserk.

Front 28

Geoff: Does that mean I have to take the dirty bits out of my speech?

Back 28

Oh no. The bigger the tycoon, the filthier the mind.

Front 29

Geoff: I'm thinking of the wives.

Back 29

They're worse.

Front 30

Geoff: Right. Where is Diana?

Back 30

I'm rather hoping she won't show up. I'll have to tell her.

Front 31

Holly: Let me show you your room, Tom. You'll want to freshen up before encountering the rest of the clan.

(leads him toward the door)

Do tell Mother we're here if she ever shows her face, Jamie.

Back 31

Yes.

(They go off.)

He seems all right.

Front 32

Geoff: Is it serious?

Back 32

No idea. He's quite new. She seems keen.

Front 33

Geoff: Are they sleeping together?

Back 33

She's twenty-six, I should hope so. Mind you, quite cautious in that department is our Holly.

Front 34

Geoff: Well this is the new age of prudery - didn't you know?

Back 34

Is it? Glad I missed that.

Front 35

Diana: Were you talking about me? Nothing nice I hope.

Back 35

No, horrible. Glad you didn't hear it.

Front 36

Geoff: Yes - speaking of which, Jamie's got something to tell you.

Back 36

Oh, thanks. I was going to pick my moment.

Front 37

Diana: What is it? More complications?

Back 37

Sort of. Father's got another thirty people to add to the list. Highly important business people apparently.

Front 38

Diana: Oh heavens, this thing's becoming just a showcase.

Back 38

Well at least he's splitting the costs with your side. Will the hotel be able to fit them in?

Front 39

Diana: Oh yes. That vast room needs filling up anyway. Perhaps there'll be so many there no-one will notice if we're not.

Back 39

Yes! We could do the church service and then skip off. Somewhere nobody could find us, like Blackpool.

Front 40

Diana: Which is good. Tried and tested. No unpleasant surprises.

Back 40

Oh, I've a few up my sleeve yet.

Front 41

Ann: Not the wedding reception! Please don't start changing things - I've got it all planned!

Back 41

No, Mother, don't panic. Reception as in welcome.

Front 42

Ann: Oh, for Holly and her new boyfriend. Yes - when are they due?

Back 42

They're here already.

Front 43

Ann: Oh, I should be doing that! How awful - I wasn't here to greet him.

Back 43

He's fine, Mother. He's had quite enough of us to face for the moment.

Front 44

Diana: I haven't met him yet.

Ann: Jamie?

Back 44

Oh, I think he'll just about scrape through the entrance exam.

Front 45

Ann: Dressed properly?

Back 45

If you like rap, hippy, dropout sort of thing.

Front 46

Ann: You know what I mean. Someone permanent.

Back 46

Mother, you've already got one wedding to worry about - you don't need another just yet.

Front 47

Ann: I know, I know. But my astrologist says the stars are good for this man.

Back 47

That's practically a guarantee he'll be a washout.

Front 48

Ann: And they're also excellent for the wedding.

Back 48

Oh dear.

Front 49

Ann: Oh, good. I'm dying to see it. Oh, and Jamie - all these extra banker friends of your father's. We must look at the plans and suggest whereabouts on the tables to put them.

Back 49

How about underneath?

Front 50

Ann: I know it's a bore, but you especially should be glad of a few more influential people to meet.

Back 50

True, Mother. As the most unpopular species on the planet, the least we can do is all stick together.

Front 51

Ann: Such a cynic, my darling. Less than four weeks to go - I can't wait! Raspberries for supper!

(goes)

Back 51

Well, it's worth it just to see her so happy. (follows her to the door.) I'd better get to those plans before she does, and wrecks all that work we've done so far. Do you two want to come?

(Leave after Geoff and Diana respond)

Front 52

(Ann and Jamie enters. Few lines with Ann and Holly.)

Ann: It's always an emotional time, dear. But make the most of it. You'll long for a bit of emotion later on.

Back 52

Great, Mother. That's a big help.

Front 53

Ann: Well comfort her, Jamie. She's your responsibility.

Back 53

Are you OK old think? Can I help?

Front 54

Diana: No, Jamie, I'm all right. Jamie, you do want this wedding, don't you?

Back 54

'Course I do. We're not going through all this bloody palaver unless we want it, are we?

Front 55

Diana: No.

Back 55

Why d'you ask?

Front 56

Diana: I wanted to know your true feelings.

Back 56

Everyone has doubts just before the big day, Di. It's natural.

Front 57

Diana: Do they?

Back 57

Don't they, Mother?

Front 58

Ann: Sorry. Don't worry, Diana. Marriage is a splendid institution. We'd all be much worse off out of it than in it.

Back 58

Well that's a terrific recommendation - thanks very much, mother.

Front 59

Diana: No! Don't you say a word!

Back 59

What is it? Am I missing something?

Front 60

Diana: No, Jamie. I just need a little time to think about things, that's all.

Back 60

What things?

Front 61

Diana: Come straight back.

(Holly goes. Awkward pause.)

Back 61

What's going on?

Front 62

Diana: Um...Tell me, Jamie, are you...

Back 62

Am I what?

Front 63

Diana: Truly happy about marrying me?

Back 63

Well, Keira Knightley said no, so...

Front 64

Diana: Be serious!

Back 64

Well of course I am.

Front 65

Diana: Truly?

Back 65

Of course I...Aren't you happy?

Front 66

Diana: I was just wondering whether you were serious about the wedding, or just going along with it because everyone else was.

Back 66

Going along with it?

Front 67

Diana: Yes.

Back 67

I...that's...It would cause one hell of a shemozzle to pull out after all the agony that's gone into it.

Front 68

Diana: But surely you'd rather endure the shemozzle than a lifetime of the wrong marriage.

Back 68

I'm not sure - I'd have to think about that one.

Front 69

Diana: I'm serious, Jamie.

Back 69

Are you saying...are you telling me you've decided it's the wrong marriage?

Front 70

Diana: No, I'm just asking you for your opinion.

Back 70

We've been together for four years, Di. You don't do that if it's wrong.

Front 71

Diana: Yes, but don't you feel we may be a bit...stuck in a rut?

Back 71

I'd rather be stuck in a rut than alone in the ditch.

Front 72

Diana: Thanks, that's a great reassurance.

Back 72

(taking her hands) It's just prenuptial nerves, sweetheart. It's just the prospect of this bloody great shindig. Once it's over you and I can settle down and organize our own private hassle-free existence without having to worry about everyone else.

Front 73

Diana: Yes.

Back 73

Done and dusted. Settled for life. Think what a relief it'll be.

Front 74

Diana: Yes.

Back 74

You don't seem very sure.

Front 75

Diana: You're only thirty, Jamie. I'm twenty seven. I'm not certain I'm ready to be done and dusted. Sounds like an old settee.

Back 75

Have you...?

Front 76

Diana: What?

Back 76

Met someone else?

Front 77

Diana: Someone else?

Back 77

Someone new.

Front 78

Diana: No.

Back 78

Well that's a relief.

Front 79

Diana: What if you did?

Back 79

What do you mean?

Front 80

Diana: What would you do? If you met a Keira Knightley lookalike - after we were married?

Back 80

Ah, well...

Front 81

Diana: What it!

Back 81

Look, Di. We're not kids. We've both sowed our wild oats. There's no point at this stage worrying about the future. For God's sake, what's got into you?

Front 82

Diana: Sorry, I'm not quite myself today.

Back 82

For what it's worth, Di, you're the best girl, the most beautiful, the most level-headed, the biggest catch around - apart from Keira Knightley. Everyone thinks so. And therefore I'm the luckiest guy around to be able to call you mine. I'm not giving that up so easily.

Front 83

Diana: I see. I'm a trophy wife.

Back 83

No! That's not what I...That not it.

Front 84

Diana: Then what is it?

Back 84

It's...it's I've always thought of you as mine. I can't change that thought now - just because everyone's a bit uptight about the wedding.

Front 85

Diana: Shouldn't we be thrilled about the wedding?

Back 85

Well...yes, but...I mean...

Front 86

Diana: Perhaps we're uptight because deep down we're not sure about it. Perhaps we're just doing it because he says it's logical.

Back 86

So we should only do it if it's illogical?

Front 87

Holly: (wide-eyed) Right. I'll do that.

(She hurries back out.)

Back 87

What? What are you going to discuss?

Front 88

Diana: Just wait a moment, Jamie. Let's wait till they're all here.

Back 88

I don't like this at all. Why can't you tell me now?

Front 89

Diana: I've only the strength to do this once, Jamie. I think I need to say it to everyone at the same time.

Back 89

You've got me really scared now. What are you going to say?

Front 90

Diana: Don't look at me like that.

Back 90

How do you expect me to look? Why won't you tell me?

Front 91

Diana: I...What was I saying?

Back 91

You were about to tell us something that is apparently very important.

Front 92

Diana: Yes. Yes, I was...But I don't think...I don't know how to say it.

Back 92

Why not? You were dead set on it just now.

Front 93

Geoff: (Spills the beans, blah, blah, blah...)

I told her she was settling for the status quo because that's what was expected of her, but that it could only lead to indifference and stalemate and ultimate tedium.

Back 93

Thanks.

Front 94

Diana: No.

Geoff: Nothing to add?

Diana: No.

Geoff: Jamie?

Back 94

(dazed) No.

Front 95

Ann: Oh Jamie, my poor darling. Had you any idea this was coming?

Back 95

No.

Front 96

Ann: How does it make you feel?

Back 96

Nothing. I don't feel a thing.

(After long monologue by Ann, Jamie and Holly leave.)