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217 Cards in this Set
- Front
- Back
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When kids feel right then they behave right. How we help them feel right?
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By accepting their feelings. A steady denial of feelings can confuse and enrage kids
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What's this an example of ... Daddy I'm tired. You can't be tired because you just napped?
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You're denying the kids feeling and telling them to replace with your own. This will escalate into arguments
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How can you respond to someone telling you about their feelings?
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Empathy, deny them, philosophical response, advice, questions, defense of other person, pity, amateur psychoanalysis
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When someone is hurt and you give Advice, philosophy, psychology or point of view. They feel
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Worse than before
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When someone is hurt and you deny their feelings (e.g., It's not that bad). They feel
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Suppressed
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When someone is hurt and you give them pity. They feel
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pitiful
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When someone is hurt and you start questioning them. They feel
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the need to be defensive
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When someone is hurt and you give them empathy. They feel
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Less upset
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What does it mean to listen with full attention and acknowledge with a word
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Just listen, turn your body towards them, say things like really, oh I see mom, give an expression on your face ... Words and a caring attitude are invitation to a child to explore their own thoughts and feelings and possibly come up with solutions. Also. Sometimes sympathetic silence is all they need
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What does it mean to give a feeling a name
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The child that hears the words for what they are experiencing is deeply comforted. Someone has acknowledged their inner experience
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What happens to a child when they're questioned, blamed or advised
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It becomes hard to think constructively
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What happens when you try to get a child to push away bad feelings.
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They get more upset
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What does it mean to give a child his wishes in fantasy
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It means that you you wish you could give them what they want right now ... I wish I had magic power to make a big box of cookies to appear
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What happens when a kid wants something and parents give logical explanations why they can't have it
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The harder we explain the more they protest
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What does labeling emotions do for the kid?
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They can begin to help themselves, and they can give empathy to others
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Label the following: The teacher yelled at me and everybody laughed
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That must have been embarrassing
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Label the following: I'd like to punch bobby in the nose
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Boy, you sure are angry
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Label the following: Just because of a little rain my teacher canceled the trip. She's dumb
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You must have been disappointed
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Label the following: I was invited to a party by I don't know if I want to go
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You're having doubts about going to that party
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Label the following: I don't know why teachers have to load you with homework over the weekend
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Sounds like you feel overworked ... You resent all that work
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Label the following: We had basketball practice today and I couldn't sink one shot
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That must have been so frustrating
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Label the following: Janey is moving away and she's my best friend
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To have a good friend move away can be pretty upsetting
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Label the following: Should you give a kid advice and solve their problem?
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No, hold off. Continue to accept and reflect the child's feelings
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Label the following: Should we let our children know we agree with their feelings?
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No, children don't need to have their feelings agreed with; they need to have them acknowledged. We want the cold to think through the situation themselves.
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Label the following: What if you're kid is physically upset and empathy doesn't work?
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You can have them hit a pillow, knead some clay, roar like a lion or ... Make a drawing of their feelings. The last one is really effective
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Label the following: What are some cautions when showing empathy
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Children don't like their own words repeated back to them; some kids will get upset if you show empathy in a cool manner; same holds true for showing more intensity than the child; don't repeat back to the kid any names they've called themselves
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Label the following: Your response ... I'm so dumb. It took me double the time to do my math homework than Cindy
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It can be discouraging when something takes longer then expected
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Label the following: What can you do if a kid really wants something while you're at the store and empathy isn't cutting it?
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Write it down on their wish list
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Engaging cooperation is more about ...
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The parents need to get a child to adjust to societal norms, e.g,, brush teeth, comb hair, take a bath, eat, etc.
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The more we push children to adjust to what we want then to do the more they ...
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Resist. It becomes a battle of wills ... I'll do what I want vs you'll do what I say
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Don't blame and accuse ... Guess what type of response the following comments will get ... Your dirty fingerprints are on the door again! Why do you do that? Can't you do this simple thing right? How many times do I have to tell you to use the doorknob!
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The door is more important than me. I'll lie and tell him it wasn't me. I'm a yuk. I'm shrinking. I want to all him a name. You say I never listen so I won't.
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Name calling ... Guess what type of response the following comments will get ... It's below freezing and your wearing a light jacket. How silly are you. That's not the smartest thing to do.
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I'll fix him. Next time I won't even wear a jacket. I hate him
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Name calling ... Guess what type of response the following comments will get ... It's below freezing and your wearing a light jacket. How silly are you. That's not the smartest thing to do.
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I'll fix him. Next time I won't even wear a jacket. I hate him
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Name calling ... Guess what type of response the following comments will get ... Here let me fix that for you. We both know you're not very mechanical
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He's right. I'm stupid and un mechanical
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Name calling ... Guess what type of response the following comments will get ... You're being so messy. Don't eat like that.
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Here we go again. Nag nag nag.
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Name calling ... Guess what type of response the following comments will get ... You're living like a slob. Look at how filthy your room is
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Ho hum ... Here we go again
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Don't give threats ... Guess what type of response the following comments will get ... Touch that one more time and you'll get a pow pow
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I'll touch when he's not looking
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Don't give threats ... Guess what type of response the following comments will get ... If you don't spit the gum out then I'm going to open your mouth and take it
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I'm afraid. I want to cry
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Don't give threats ... Guess what type of response the following comments will get ... If you're not ready in 10 minutes then I'm going to leave without you
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Leave me alone
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When you compare kids to other kids (e.g., why can't you be more like your brother) they think ...
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He loves everyone but me ... I hate my brother ... I feel like a failure ...
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When you use prophecy (e.g., you lied to me. You're going to be someone people don't trust.) they think ...
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He's right. I'll never amount to anything ... I can be trusted. I'll prove him wrong ... I give up ... I'm doomed.
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When you use sarcasm (e.g., I hope your teacher can read Chinese because I can't) kids think ...
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I don't like being made fun of. He's mean ... I'm boiling with resentment
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When you lecture, moralize and try to rationalize with your kids they think ...
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Boring ... Yak yak ... This is what I'm going to say when he stops talking ... I'm dumb and worthless
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When you use martyrdom statements (e.g., you will be the death of me) kids think ...
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I feel guilty ... It's my fault if he gets sick ... Who even cares
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When you use commands (e.g., clean your room now) kids think ...
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Try and make me ... I'm scared ... Whatever I do I get in trouble
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What does the describe method entail?
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Describe what you see, or describe the problem
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What's the describe approach as opposed to "you're so irresponsible. You always start the tub and then forget about it. Do you want us to have a flood?"
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Bobby, the water in the bath tub is getting close to the top.
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What's the describe approach as opposed to "you haven't taken that dog out all day. You don't deserve to have a dog"
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I see doggy pacing up and down near the door
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What's the describe approach as opposed to "how many times do I have to tell you to turn off the bathroom light after you use it!
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The lights on in the bathroom
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When grown-ups describe the problem, it gives children ...
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A chance to tell themselves what to do
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When parents give information (milk spoils when left out) to kids ...
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It's received better than accusations (who left the milk out) and kids can figure out what needs to be done
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Instead of an accusation (the apple cores on your bed is disgusting) how would you give information
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Apple cores belong in the garbage
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instead of an accusation (if I catch you writing on the wall one more time you're going to get a spanking) how would you give information
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Walls are not writing on. Paper is for writing on
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instead of an accusation (would it ever occur to you to give me a hand) how would you give information
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It would be really helpful if the table was set
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What does say it with a word mean
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Instead of lectures, sermons and long explanations ... Say something a word. More is less and kids dislike the former
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How would you say the following with just a word ... I've been asking you all might to put on your pjs and all you have been doing is clowning around. You agreed that etc.
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Kids, pajamas!
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How would you say the following with just a word ... Look at you. You're walking out with your lunch again ... You'd forget your head if it weren't screwed on ... Etc
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Casey, your lunch
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How would you say the following with just a word ... You promised before we got a dog that you would walk him everyday ... And take care of him ... Etc
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Billy, the dog
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What does talk about your feelings entail
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Talk about your feelings and use the word I, e.g., I feel. Make no comment about the child's character or personality
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Why does talking about your feelings work?
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It's easier to cooperate with someone who is expressing irritation or anger, as long as you're not being attacked
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How would you say the following by talking about your feelings ... Stop pulling my sleeve ... You're a pain in the neck
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I don't like having my sleeve pulled when I'm talking to someone
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How would you say the following by talking about your feelings ... What is wrong with you. You always leave the screen door open
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It bothers me when the screen door is left open. I don't want flies around our food.
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How would you say the following by talking about your feelings ... You're rude. You always interrupt
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I feel so frustrated when I start to say something and can't finish
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How would you say the following by talking about your feelings ... What do you mean I have to take you. You sound like a spoiled brat
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I don't like being told I have to do something. I'd rather hear dad I'm ready to go. Can you take me now
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What does writing a note entail?
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Use any of the other techniques but say it in a note, e.g., help hairs in the drain give me a pain. -sink ... Before you turn me on think ... Have I done my homework? -TV ... Shh mommy and daddy are sleeping ... Toys away after play (flown in on a paper airplane)
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How would you describe in the following scenario ... You walk into your child's room and see a wet towel on his bed.
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Wet towels on bed
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How would you give information in the following scenario ... You walk into your child's room and see a wet towel on his bed.
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Wet towels need to be hung so they can dry. Otherwise they get stinky.
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How would you "say it with a word" in the following scenario ... You walk into your child's room and see a wet towel on his bed.
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Wet towel
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How would you talk about your feelings in the following scenario ... You walk into your child's room and see a wet towel on his bed.
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I get very frustrated when I see a wet towel getting your bed wet.
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How would you write a note in the following scenario ... You walk into your child's room and see a wet towel on his bed.
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Leave a note saying ... Can you hang up me on a hook so I'll dry. -the towel
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How would you describe in the following scenario ... Your about to wrap a package but can't find the scissors. Your child has been constantly borrowing them and not returning
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The scissors are not in their place
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How would you give information in the following scenario ... Your about to wrap a package but can't find the scissors. Your child has been constantly borrowing them and not returning
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We don't leave things in their place they got lost and we spend time looking for them
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How would you say it with a word in the following scenario ... Your about to wrap a package but can't find the scissors. Your child has been constantly borrowing them and not returning
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Scissors in their place
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How would you write a note in the following scenario ... Your about to wrap a package but can't find the scissors. Your child has been constantly borrowing them and not returning
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Bulletins ... Missing scissors . Their place misses them. Please report to dad
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How would you state your feelings in the following scenario ... Your about to wrap a package but can't find the scissors. Your child has been constantly borrowing them and not returning
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I get really frustrated when I can't find the scissors in their place
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What are the 5 ways you can engage your kids to cooperate
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Describe, give information, say it with a word, state your feelings and leave a note
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How would you describe in the following scenario ... Your son hangs a we rain coat in the closet.
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I see a wet rain coat not drying in the closet and getting other things wet
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How would you give information in the following scenario ... Your son hangs a we rain coat in the closet.
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Wet rain coats dry when you hang them in an open area
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How would you say it with a word in the following scenario ... Your son hangs a we rain coat in the closet.
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Raincoat dry on hooks
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How would you state your feelings in the following scenario ... Your son hangs a we rain coat in the closet.
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I get upset when i see a wet rain coat put away in the closet because they don't dry and get everything else wet
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How would you leave a letter in the following scenario ... Your son hangs a we rain coat in the closet.
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Please hang up me up to dry -the rain coat ... Stuck in the pocket while hung up to dry
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How would you describe in the following scenario ... Your child has not been brushing his teeth lately
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It smells someone's teeth hasn't been brushed
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How would you give information in the following scenario ... Your child has not been brushing his teeth lately
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When you don't brush your teeth they start to decay. You could lose your teeth
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How would you say it with a word in the following scenario ... Your child has not been brushing his teeth lately
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Brush teeth
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How would you state your feelings in the following scenario ... Your child has not been brushing his teeth lately
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I get really worried when you don't brush your teeth because that could lead to problems with your teeth
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How would you say it with a letter in the following scenario ... Your child has not been brushing his teeth lately
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Hey, don't forget about me. I'm good for your health -the toothbrush
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Isn't how you say something just as important as what you say
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Yes it is, you want to be authentic. The attitude that children thrive on is one that communicates
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Should you use please when asking your kids to do something
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No, it's a good idea to speak forcefully rather then plead. Asking please tends to escalate quickly if the child does not cooperate.
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What questions should I ask myself if my child is not responding to my request?
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Does my request make sense in terms of my child's age and ability; does he feel my request is unreasonable; can I give him a choice of when to do something; can I offer a choice with how something is done; are there any physical changes I can make to make to request raiser to fulfill; should I stop with the request and just be together with my child
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By describing something you
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Don't place blame on anyone. Replace the glass is broken with you broke the glass
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By giving information you
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Teach the child for life. He'll know that open wounds can get infected ... Milk goes sour when left out ... Cookies go stale if the bag is left open
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What word shouldn't you use when you say it in a word
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The child's name. They can begin associating their name with disapproval
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Why do parents punish?
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We don't know what else to do. We get frustrated. We think the child will learn. We think it's the only thing children understand.
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How do kids respond internally when they get punished?
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They hate their parents. They feel they deserve it and feel bad about themselves. They think about getting really sick and making their parents feel guilty for what they did to them. They plan to get away with it
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So what is the alternative to punishment?
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A child should experience consequences to misbehavior, but not punishment. In a caring relationship there is no room for punishment
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Why doesn't punishment work?
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Because it's a distraction. Instead of a child thinking about what he did wrong and making amends .... They're distracted by thoughts of revenge and fantasy. So. Punishing deprives the child of a very important inner process of facing his own misbehavior
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What are the 8 alternatives to punishment?
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Point out a way to be helpful; express your strong disapproval; state your expectations; show the child how to make amends; offer a choice; take action; allow the child to experience the consequences of his misbehavior; problem solve
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How could you "point out a way to be helpful" with your kid running around the supermarket
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It would be helpful if you picked out 2 avocados for us
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How would you "express strong disapproval" (w/o attacking character) with your kid running around a supermarket
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I don't like what's going on. It's disturbing to shoppers when children run in the aisles
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How would you "offer a choice" with your kid running around a supermarket
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Billy, no running. Here are your choices. You can walk or ride in the car. You decide
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What happens if give the kid a choice (sit in the cart or walk) and they continue to run around
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Then you take action by removing or restraining the child. In this case you can sit him in the cart. Or you can leave
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How do you let your child experience a consequence
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You get creative. In the scenario where you had to leave the supermarket because your was misbehaving you could leave him home next time with a sitter and let him know he can't go this time.
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Can you mix and match approaches?
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Absolutely. You could show strong disapproval and state your expectations. You could offer a choice and take action. Here's a longer path: express feelings strongly without attacking character > state your expectations > show the child how to make amends > offer a choice > take action > problem solve
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How could you show your child how to make amends if they let your saw out in the rain and it got rusty
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You can say ... What this saw needs is a little steel wool and elbow grease, and a light coat of oil will protect when you're done
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For a complex problem you need a complex skill:
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Problem solving
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What are the steps to problem solving
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1 talk about the child's feelings and needs 2 talk about your feelings and needs 3 brainstorm to find a mutually agreeable solution 4 write down the ideas w/o evaluating 5 decide which suggestions you like and you don't like, and which you plan to follow through on
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What's the challenge with problem solving
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It requires great faith to believe that if share our feelings with a child, listen to their feelings, together we'll come up with solutions that's right for both of us
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What's the difference between punishment and natural consequences
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Punishment is a parent deliberately depriving a child for a set period of time or inflicting pain on him, in order to teach that child a lesson. Consequences, on the other hand, come about as a natural result of the child's behavior, e.g., we can't go to the store together so you have a babysitter come over while you're out
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What should you do if you find a mess made by two kids and you don't know who did it?
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Don't place blame just focus on improvement, e.g., I'm furious that there's a mess. The vacuum and swifter can be used to clean it ... By not placing blame, we free children to take responsibility rather than taking revenge
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What's the benefit of showing a child how to make amends
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We let them know that we don't like what they did and how to make amends. When they get older and upset someone they'll about how to make amends
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Discipline is about
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Education .., it's programmed guidance that helps develop internal self control, direction and efficiency
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For disciplining to work you need
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Respect and trust
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Punishing agents seldom get the trust and respect of the child being punished ... Why?
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Because punishment relies on external control over a person by coercion and force
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What was the conclusion from the "case against spanking" study
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Physical punishment by parents does not inhibit violence and most likely encourages it. Punishment both frustrates the child and gives a model to intimate. Punishment only helps a child develop a greater power of resistance and defiance. Glisten can setup a mental system where the punishment cancels the crime
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How would you problem solve in the situation that two kids want to ride a tricycle and they're fighting over it?
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I would say ... I see two children who want to play with the same toy. What are we going to do? Any ideas?
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How do you teach kids autonomy and help them separate from their parents and become independent?
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By allowing them to do things by themselves; by permitting then to wrestle with their own problems; by letting then learn from their mistakes
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What happens when people (including children) are placed in a dependent position?
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Along with small gratitude they experience massive feelings of helplessness. Worthlessness, resentment, frustration, and anger. So, dependency can lead to hostility
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What are the 6 ways to encourage autonomy?
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Let children make choices, show respect for the child's struggle, don't ask too many questions, don't rush to answer questions, encourage children to use sources outside of the home, don't take away hope
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What's the benefit of letting children make choices?
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It gives them practice forming their own judgement. They'll have to make decisions about career, lifestyle, mate, etc. Let them start early
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How would you let your kid make a decision with getting dressed
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Are you in a mood for your gray or red pants?
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How would you let your kid make a decision with what they're drinking
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Would you like a full or half glass of juice
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How would you let your kid make a decision with leaving the park
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We're leaving in 5 minutes ... Do you want to go on the slide again or the swing
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How would you let your kid make a decision with piano practice
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What would work for you best? Doing your practice before or after dinner?
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How would you show respect for a child's struggle with opening a jar
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A jar can be hard to open. Sometimes it helps you tap the kid with a spoon or run warm water over it
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How would you show respect for a child's struggle with thing their shoes
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Tying shoes takes a lot of fancy finger work
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How would you show respect for a child's struggle with math homework
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Adding fractions can be hard. It's not easy to find the common denominator
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What happens when a child's struggle is respected?
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He gathers courage to see a job through himself
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What happens when you ask a kid too many questions?
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It can be seen as an invasion of their life. Children will talk about what they want to talk about when they want to talk about it.
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How would you not ask too many questions in the scenario of your child coming home from a party
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Welcome home
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How would you not ask too many questions in the scenario of your child coming home after a big test at school
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Hey, I'm glad to see you
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Why shouldn't you rush to answer questions?
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Children deserve the chance to explore the answer for themselves first
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How would you not rush to answer the following question: daddy where does rain come from?
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That's an interesting question. What do you think.
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How would you not rush to answer the following question: why does grandma visit every week?
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You wander about that. Why grandma visits every week.
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Why should you encourage children to use sources outside of the home
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We want our children to know they're not completely dependent on us. There are other sources
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How would you encourage your child to use outside sources with the following question: all my friends are allowed to chew gum. Can you buy me gum?
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Let's check with the dentist and see what he thinks about chewing gum
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How would you not rush to answer the following question: my fish looks sick. What should we do?
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I wonder if the pet shop owner has any suggestions
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How would you not rush to answer the following question: mom did you find me a guitar teacher yet?
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I'm still asking around. I'd also like you to ask around school for some recommendations
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How would you not rush to answer the following question: dad you've got to help me with my math. I'm so far behind
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How would you feel about asking your teacher for the name of a senior who could tutor you until you get caught up
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Why should you not take away hope, e.g., kid wants to babysit but they're too young
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By protecting children from disappointment, we protect them from hoping, striving, dreaming and sometimes from achieving their dreams
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How would you not take away hope if your child said the following: mom, in trying out for the lead in the school play; do you think I'll get it?
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So you're going to try out for the lead. That should be an experience
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How would you not take away hope if your child said the following: I want to get a babysitting job
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You think you'd like to work as a sitter. Tell me about it
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How would you not take away hope if your child said the following: maybe I'll be an engineer when I grow up
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so you're considering a career in engineering
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What's the offer a choice alternative to take a bath now
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Do you want to play with your vacuum or read a book before we take a bath; do you want to bring your rubber ducky or toy boat into the bath
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What's the show respect for a child's struggle alternative in the following scenario: why are you having such a hard time putting your boots on? Here put your foot up. I'll do it for you
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It's hard to get boots in. They're so cumbersome
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How would you answer the following using the don't rush technique: why foes daddy have to go to work everyday?
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You wonder why daddy goes to work huh ... Why do you think I have to go to work everyday
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How would you encourage using outside sources with the following scenario: I'm getting too fat. I want you to put me on a diet. What should I be eating
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How would you feel about asking your health teacher. I bet she knows; how would you feel about asking a nutritionist ... I bet they'd know
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How would you practice not taking away hope in the following scenario: dad I'm going to be a teacher when I grow up
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So you're thinking about a career in education. Awesome. Tell me about it.
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How would you encourage autonomy if your child told you, I was late for school today. You have to wake me up earlier tomorrow
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What else can you do to make sure your not late
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How would you encourage autonomy if your said, is it cold out? Do I need a sweater?
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Let's check the weather. It's 78, what do you think.
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How would you encourage autonomy if your child said, I'm going to start saving my allowance for a horse
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Oh, you must really want a horse. That's great.
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It's a bittersweet road parents travel. We start with total commitment to a small, helpless human being. Over the years we worry, plan, comfort and try to understand. We give our love, our labor, our knowledge, and our experience -- so that one day he or she will have the inner strength and confidence to leave us
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a reminder for why you're reviewing these cards ... thanks for striving to be a great parent
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By offering a choice to a child we reduce
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Resentment -- children are always being told what to do
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How would you offer your child a choice if he were drumming at the table
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The drumming bothers me. You can stop drumming and stay or drum in your room
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How would you offer your child a choice if she didn't want to take her medicine
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I see how much you dislike the medicine. Do you want to take it with juice, ginger ale or honey
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How would you let the child come up with a choice if you were crossing the street and he kept pulling away from your hand
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You can hold mommy's hand or daddy's hand or you can come up with a safe choice, e.g., the carriage
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What do we think when we tell a child something is easy
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We're trying to encourage the child
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What happens to a child when we tell them something is easy
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We do the child no favor. If he succeeds in doing something easy, he feels he hasn't accomplished much. If he fails then he's failed to do something simple
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What happens to a child when we tell them something is hard to do
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If he succeeds then he can experience the pride of having done something difficult. If he fails, he can at least have the satisfaction of knowing that his task was a tough one
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Should you avoid saying ... This must be hard for you
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Yes, the child thinks ... Why me?
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How could you show respect for a child's struggle if they were struggling with their zipper
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That's hard. Sometimes it helps if you push the end of the zipper all the way down into the little case before you pull up
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By showing respect for a child struggle and saying "sometimes it helps" ... What are we doing?
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It spares the child from feeling inadequate
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Why shouldn't you take away hope, e.g., hair stylist don't make any money
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Much of the pleasure of life lied in dreaming, fantasizing, anticipating, planning. By trying to prepare children for the possibility of disappointment, we can deprive them of important experiences
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What does it mean to let your child own their own body?
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Refrain from brushing the hair out of her eyes, straightening her shoulders, dusting off lint, tucking in a shirt and rearranging a collar. Children experience this type of fussing as invasion of their physical privacy
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What happens to children when you talk about them in front of them, e.g., he's shy around strangers
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When children hear themselves discussed this way, they feel like objects: possessions of their parents
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What should you say if someone asks you [in front of your child] does he like his baby brother
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Johnny can tell you. He's the one who knows.
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What happens when you give a child advice?
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They either feel stupid (why didn't I think of that), resentful (don't tell me how to run my life), or irritated (what makes you think I didn't think of that)
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What happens to a child when they figure out what they're going to do about something
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They grow their confidence and are willing to assume responsibility
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Instead of giving advice ... What should you do?
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Help them sort out their tangled feelings (i.e., the conflict the way you understand it); restate the problem as a question; point put resources your child can use outside of the home
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If you do give advice ... How should you phrase it?
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How would you feel about or would you consider ... By doing so we acknowledge the fact that something may seem sensible to us but not our kid
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What if you really believe in something and want to tell your child.
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It's ok to let your child know your convictions but let them think through it
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When kids solve something on their own (e.g., like getting better grades). ... How else could you encourage them?
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Write it down, both of you sign and hang it somewhere, send it to someone (remarks section in report card) and follow up. If they succeeded or improved then acknowledge the effort
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Our self evaluation (what we think of ourselves) has profound effects on
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Our thinking process, emotions, desires, values and goals. It is the single most significant key to our behavior
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What would you think if someone are your quick tortellini and called you a great cook
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I might doubt the praiser, may lead to immediate denial, can be threatening, can force you to focus on weakness, can create anxiety and interfere with activity, can be experienced as manipulation
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What type of praise make children and people uncomfortable
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Words that evaluate, e.g., good, smart, beautiful, fantastic
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What are are the 2 parts of helpful praise?
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(1) The adult describes with appreciation what he or she feels (2) the child after hearing the description is then able to praise himself
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Instead of evaluating (good) for praise you should
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Describe what you see, describe what you feel, sum up the child's praiseworthy behavior with a word
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How would you describe what you see or feel if your child cleaned their room
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I see a lot of work has been put into cleaning the room; your books and clothes are away, it's been vacuumed and even swiffered ... It's a pleasure to walk into this room
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How would you describe what you see or feel if your child have you a tie
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Look at this rich green color and the subtle white dots. This will go great with all my blue shirts; it'll look great with a suit
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How would you describe what you see or feel if your child wrote a poem
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I'm moved by your poem. I especially like the line about ...
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How would you describe what you see or feel if your kid figured out buying something individually and not in bulk would save you money
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Wow, you figured out that if we didn't buy in bulk then we would save money. I'm impressed
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What happens to kids when you use the describe what you see or feel method
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They become more aware and appreciative of their strengths
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How would you describe what you see or feel if your child just dressed themselves for the first time
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Wow, you matched your jeans to your shirt and socks. And your shirt is tucked. I'm impressed
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How would you describe what you see or feel if your child played a lead role in play and asked if he was good
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You remembered all your lines. You harmonized the singing and when you came through singing when it was quiet ... Wow I'm amazed.
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How would you describe what you see or feel if your kid was improving in school ... They're drilling themselves with vocabulary words and their papers have margins
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You've put a lot of effort into acing the vocabulary quizzes. All those flash cards. That's what I call dedication
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How would you describe what you see or feel if your child made a card for you while you were sick
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Wow, I love the balloons and candles not the card. What you wrote made me feel happy.
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Fill in the blank ... You've been working to memorize that vocabulary list for over an hour. Now that what I call __________
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Perseverance
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Fill in the blank ... You said you'd be home at 5 and it's exactly 5. That's what I call _________
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Punctuality
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Fill in the blank ... You noticed that the plants were dry and you watered them. That's what's known as ________
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Taking initiative
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Fill in the blank ... You only ate a little sliver of cake, even though you love it. That really takes ___________
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Self control
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Fill in the blank ... You were all set to go to that concert, and yet, when it was canceled you quickly made other plans. Now that's what I call being _________
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Flexible
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Fill in the blank ... You stood up for your friend even though the other kids made fun of him. That __________
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Takes courage
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What do you do when you sum up a behavior with a word,e.g., courage, loyalty, determination, willpower, adaptable
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It gives a child a new verbal snapshot of himself. They find out their strengths, and it goes into their emotional bank ... That can't be taken away. These moments become lifelong touchstones to which a child can return in times of doubt or discouragement
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Fill in the blank ...most parents are quick to ________ and slow to ________.
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Criticize and praise
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What's our obligation to our children
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Along with good, shelter and clothing, we have another obligation to our children, and that's to affirm their rightness. The whole world will tell them what's wrong with them - loud and often. Out job is to let out children know what's right about them
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Give an example of praise that hints at past weaknesses or failures,I.e., bad praise
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We'll, you finally played that piece of music the way it should be played. I never thought you'd pass the course but you did.
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What happens when we say I'm so proud of you?
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The emphasis changes from their accomplishment to your pride. A Better reaction is ... What an achievement! You must be so proud of yourself
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What happens to a child when you say ... I knew you could do it all along
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You're giving credit to your omniscience rather than to his child's achievements. The child might even think. How come my father knew when I didn't even know.
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What could you say if your child was showing distress over an exam he was studying for?
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It can be frustrating to study for something so long and not have it come out the way you think
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If a parent is accepting of their own mistakes then
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It teaches children how to treat themselves when they make mistakes
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How should a parent handle their own mistakes in front of their children,e.g., forgot keys
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Say aloud what happened and what you can do from happening again. I forgot my keys. It's the second time. What can I do to make it from happening again? I know, I'll make a duplicate key and put it in a secret place. By being kind to ourselves, we teach out children to be kind to themselves
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To get a child to improve parents normally point what they did
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Wrong. You get more results pointing out what they did right
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The more parents look for things to praise and find the best in kids
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The easier it becomes with practice and easier for the kid to be better
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What does labeling do to a child
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It creates a self fulfilling prophecy. If you label a child a slow learner or stubborn then they can begin to see themselves as one
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What are examples of labels?
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Stubborn, problem child, lazy, fresh, pushover, bully, bossy, know it all, lawyer, picky eater, destructive,
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What 6 things can you to free children from playing roles
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Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of himself; put children in situations where they can see themselves differently; let children overhear you say something positive about them; model the behavior you'd like to see; be a storehouse for your child's special moments; when your child behaves according to the old label, state your feelings and/or expectations
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How would you look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of himself if they had the label destructive
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I'd look for things they have taken care of ... You've had that toy since you were three and it looks almost like new
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How would you look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of himself if they had the label complainer/whiny
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I'd try to point out times where they asked for something matter of fact and say something like ... I like the way you told me that. You made your point and there was no blame.
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How would you look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of himself if they had the label slow
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I'd look for situations where he figured something out ... I was just about to call someone to fix this when you figured out the plug was loose. How'd you even think of that?
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How would you put a child in a situation where they can see themselves differently if they we labeled unreliable
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I'd give some responsibility ... I won't be home this afternoon so I'm putting you in charge of walking the dog
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How would you put a child in a situation where they can see themselves differently if they we labeled greedy
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I'd put the child in a situation where he had to share ... Tommy, please divide these peanuts so that each person gets a fair share
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How would you let a child overhear you say something positive about them if they took an allergy shot and had been labeled a crybaby
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Mom, you should have seen your grandson take his allergy shot. He just held out his arm and went right on talking to the doctor. And those shots can hurt too
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How would model the behavior you'd like to see if the child was labeled a sore loser and you just lost a board game
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Hey, I thought I had you beaten! It's no fun losing. If much rather win. Oh we'll, I'll be a good sport about it. Congrats
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How would model the behavior you'd like to see if the child was labeled disorganized and you had to clean up the garage
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Boy, I dread cleaning up this garage. It's a mess. I know. Instead of tackling the whole job at once, I'll clean one section at a time
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How would you be a storehouse for you child's special moments if they were labeled uncoordinated
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Id talk about stories of when they were coordinated. I remember when you were not even 1.5 ... You were climbing up the slide when kids older than you wouldn't do it ... I called you Indiana jones
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Give an example of how to state your feelings and expectations when your child behaves according to the old label greedy
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The cookies were to be shared with the whole family! I expect you to be able to say no to yourself
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Give an example of how to state your feelings and expectations when your child behaves according to the old label destructive
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It bothers me to see these new tracks stepped on and bent. I expect them to be put back in the box when they're not being used
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Give an example of how to state your feelings and expectations when your child behaves according to the old label sore loser
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I don't like that. Despite your strong feelings, I expect you to be a sport about losing
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