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97 Cards in this Set
- Front
- Back
- 3rd side (hint)
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1.If I want to eat something sweet every time I have a negative mood my parents probably
a. Used the laid back parenting style b.Owned stock in Hershey’s c.Used the dismissive parenting style d.Used the disapproving parenting style e.Weighed 400 pounds |
c.Used the dismissive parenting style
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Parents who use the emotional coaching parenting style recognize emotions as an invitation for
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intimacy or connection
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List one of the two dimensions that make up the 4 parenting quadrants.
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Love or Discipline
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The approval of the females___and____ are significantly related to the couple/s relationship success.
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mother and friends
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7. Findings on abuse suggest that-
A. Children who were abused are more likely as adults to abuse their children. B. Most perpetrators where abused as children C. The vast majority of victims of abuse will not abuse others D. All of the above. |
D. All of the above
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True or False, the male’s family of origin has a strong influence on the couple’s relationship success
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False
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According to Carroll, communication skill deficits are the primary source of marital distress.
True or False |
False
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----is defined as the ability to be emotionally available to self and selected others, especially in times of need (from L’Abate).
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love
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May, in Wing to Wing discusses the doubleness of married life, what is he referring to?
a. Over time people let themselves go and develop double chins b. Marriage is a combination of positive and negative experiences c. Marriage has both an inward and an outward focus d. Marriage contains a covenant and a promise |
c. Marriage has both an inward and an outward focus
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May, in Wing to Wing discussed two types of utterances-descriptive and performative and discussed one example of a performative utterance. What was it?
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The marriage vow
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In Edin’s article on Marriage and Poor Unmarried Parents she lists two reasons why many couples do not make good on their plans to marry. List these two reasons
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Ambiguity of cohabitation
The bar, or expectations, are too high |
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According to the lecture on marital competence, effective communication happens when
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Intent= Impact.
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The interpersonal domain of the marital competence model focuses on communication.
True or False. |
True
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Which of the following statements is not accurate in terms of marital competence.
a. it doesn’t change b. it is formed only in the present relationship. c. is volatile and unstable d. is based only on motivations e. all of the above. |
All of the above
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There were two abilities mentioned that are central to marital competence, what are they?
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Ability to Love
Ability to Negotiate |
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The Core Triad of Balance includes what three things?
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Physiology, Perceptions, Interactions
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The vast majority of problems couples fight about are unsolvable T F
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True
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The best Gottman functional conflict style to have is:
A. One that is different from your partner’s B. One that is the same as your partner’s C. One where there are no arguments D. None of the above |
B. One that is the same as your partner’s
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Unsolvable or perpetual problems are:
A. Only a part of dysfunctional marriages B. Typically related to differences in personality or styles of interacting C. The reason couples divorce D. Addressable through communication training. |
B. Typically related to differences in personality or styles of interacting
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What are the three general ways a person will respond to a bid?
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Turn toward, turn away, turn against
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Wives turn toward husbands about the same whether they are in a happy or unhappy marriage.
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True
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Holman-Relationship Theory on Preparing, Coupling and Marrying
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Holman introduced the Relationship Theory on Preparing, Coupling, and Marrying
o We know through human development research that each person has interrelated ecologies influencing their development and character (communities influence the home, the home influences the individual) o As we age, we hope a balance develops between our agency, genetics, experiences and ecology; by 24, hopefully our ability to choose dominates the influences from all other ecologies - the community, our past experiences, etc. o What happens when two people come together with their very different ecologies? Holman studied the development of “couple ecologies,” seeking to find a unified theory on marital development |
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Holman-Important Characteristics of Purposed Theory on Marital Development
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Important Characteristics of Purposed Theory on Marital Development:
o Time, change, and continuity: over time, although we change, there are still aspects of our personalities and characters that are constant o Development/growth occurs throughout stages in the life span: developmental growth needs to occur between both partners o Ecologies/contexts are always influencing one another: taking care of an elderly parent (context of extended family) influences the couple (context of the couple) o To fully understand the couple, all ecologies must be understood (technical term: “measured”): understand different cultural strengths, and work with them |
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Holman-Challenges of Measuring Different "Couple Ecologies"
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o Challenges of Measuring Different “Couple Ecologies”
o Couples are usually measured for research in increments, so just snapshots of their relationship are acquired; most of the current research on coupling and marrying doesn’t include the whole picture o Measuring the many ecologies for two partners is difficult; once married, it’s hard to differentiate between each other’s ecologies o Most statistical approaches aren’t designed for interrelated couple data o We need to understand the couple, not just the individual; research suggests that couple data is much better at predicting relationship outcomes o Accuracy: the difference between your self-perception and how your partner sees you; men tend to be less accurate + After measuring how partners view each other, it was found that the wife’s perception of her husband is the single most important - and least measured - variable for marital success. How we think about how well our partner is doing their “job” is vital |
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Donellan- Discussion Section
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* Relationships have emergent properties, but qualities of the relationship are still shaped by what each partner brings
* Family history + individual differences -> explanation of behavior in romantic relationships; these factors are an important influence the beginnings of romantic relationships * A predisposition to easily experience anger, distress, and anxiety is relatively destructive for relationships * Negative emotionality has both a direct and indirect association with relationship quality * Trait negative emotionality plays some driving role in creating relationship distress * Parents’ reports of positive emotionality predict relationship variables (especially overall evaluations of relationship quality) * Positive emotionality is a potentially important influence on romantic relationships (duh) * More impulsive and unconventional individuals may evoke less-supportive parenting, and in turn, less-supportive parenting may exacerbate poor impulse control * Poor impulse control has a negative effect on romantic relationships * Nurturant-involved parenting predicts competence in romantic relationships * Individuals partially develop their approach to relating to romantic partners through the parent-child socialization process; parents exert an influence on the attitudes and behaviors that their children hold regarding romantic love * The marriages of parents are not the more important developmental influence on the romantic relationships of offspring, as previously assumed * Negative interaction patterns are related to at least two aspects of the individual: his or her personality and the types of socialization experiences exposed to growing up * Personality and socialization experiences influence the interpersonal dynamics of the relationship that persist as enduring aspects of the marriage * Main point: personality and developmental experiences should be components in any comprehensive explanation of relationship success and/or dysfunction |
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Edin
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* Marital standards have risen for all Americans, including the poor
* The poor want to marry, and they insist on doing so well in order to avoid divorce * Two possible answers as to why so few low-income unmarried parents actually marry each other: 1) There is much ambiguity in the norms about parental cohabitation; cohabitation among parents who share children is still normative in the U.S. 2) Standards that the poor hold for marriage are now very high, and low-income married parents view marrying “just to get divorced” as worse than no marriage at all * Recently a main tactic of federal agencies is to equip poor parental pairs with relationship skills that will help them navigate through couple conflicts in more productive, less harmful ways * Relationship skills alone are unlikely to move many poor unmarried parents into healthy, lasting marriages * Until poor young people have more access to jobs that lead to financial security - until there is hope for a rewarding life pathway outside of bearing and raising children - the poor will continue to have children soon than most Americans think they should and in less than ideal circumstances |
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Why look at conflict to categorize marriage styles?
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* huge amount of emotion brings out the “true colors” of a relationship
* sets tone of whether or not you’d be able to work through differences |
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Videos (in class examples):
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* Mary Poppins - Avoidant
* Mr. and Mrs. Smith - Hostile * Cheaper by the Dozen - Validating * Notebook - Volatile |
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Core Triad of Balance
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process of balancing behavior, perceptions, physiology
* What is meant by this term? stable system of couple * Perception, physiology, and interactions work together to create a stable system * Any one of the three can move the system in a positive or negative direction |
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Lack of Study of couple relationship: 1st part of relationship.
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1st part of relationship: Attachment/Social Exchange (attachment and security, family background, child/teen experiences, developmental research) This is the preparing Stage
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Lack of Study of couple relationship: 2nd part of relationship.
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“The divide” coupling
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Lack of Study of couple relationship: 3rd part of relationship.
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3rd Part of relationship: Transformative/Spousal strength: Marital process research, couple conflict patterns, marital interaction, marital outcomes, - Main point that there is little research don on the coupling part of the relationship only before and marriage relationship.
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Agentive Biecological Developmental Model of Marriage:
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At birth (smallest to biggest genetics ecologies ) at eight (smallest to largest (choice, experiences, genetics, ecologies) at sixteen(smallest to biggest genetics, choice, ecologies, experiences) at 24(smallest to biggest genetics, ecologies, experience, choice maximize the choices you make)
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Agentive Bioecological Development: Important characteristics of the theory
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Important Characteristics of the theory: 1. Time, change, continuity (stays same over years) 2. Developmental growth through stages over the lifespan 3. Ecologies or contects are endlessly influencing (maybe now have parent to take care of or serious accident) 4. To fully understand the couple it is necessary to understand all ecologies (ex. Hispanics leaving for college 50 mi away is disloyal)
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Agentive Bioecological Developmental Model of Marriage-Measurement challenge to these ecologies
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-Whenever a couple is measured for research it is usually on a snapsho in time (easy to miss things) –How to measure many ecologies for two partners is complicated (measuring characteristics after marriage can’t tell if its something that is from before or during marriage) –Most statistical approaches are designed for individual data, not interrelated couple data –Our research suggests that couple data is much better at predicting relationship outcomes (showing what goes on between two of you instead of what happens within)
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Value of couple data
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How male sees himself and partner and how female sees herself and partner: The MOST important data is her measure of spouse, often least measured.
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Congruence
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Male view of self and female view of self
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Perceived similarity:
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Female view of self, female view of partner; male view of self male view of partner (female most important)
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Accuracy
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Male view of partner, woman view of self: female view of partner, male view of self
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Personality
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relatively enduring qualities that we possess that define how we are perceived by ourselves and by others.
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The big 5 personality dimensions:
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1. Surgency (outgoing or engaging)
2. Agreeableness (kindness, generous) 3. Conscientiousness (organized, reliable) 4. Neuroticism (depressed, anxious, hostile,passion) 5. Openness (flexible) |
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How do relationships make it easier and harder to change our personalities
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1. Partners tendency allows you to compare and reach higher 2. Partner has same tendency and it can exacerbate the problem. 3. Partners can focus on negative. 4. Agreeableness is the most important personality trait that influences couple outcomes. 5. Openness is the next most important 6. Agreeableness is strong enough that if only one partner has it the relationship can thrive. 7. Extroversion is unusual in that it is better to both either be introvert or extravert. 8. In initial interaction when getting to know each other value and attitude similarity matter more. 9. In terms of marriage success personality similarity matters more. 10. Conundrums exist with what to do with neurotic or disagreeable people.
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Which is most destructive negative attribute
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hostility
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Bell curve
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the fall of Adam introduced introduced imperfection: Almost every characteristic, quality or marital process we study has a bell curve distribution, even gender, sexuality, intelligence.
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2 Issues that set family tone
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1. How they express and share connection (this teaches children about male and female love)
2. How they experience conflict (not true that good marriages don’t have conflice, working through disagreements gives you strength. Helps children learn how to problem solve) teach children about resolving differences and power. How do adulst manage power in relationships, teaches about safety, children need to feel that if they disagree they won’t be emotionally or physically abused. |
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Triangles
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A dyad is unstable (whenever 2 people have tension it is natural to go to a thirt party, we’re chicken). We seek third person to relieve tension, usually friend, parent, older children. Reduces tension by complaining but only temporarily, third person is trapped and unable to resolve it, relationship stays stuck and only gets worse, even if a particular child isn’t triangle they will pick up on tension and need to express it.
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Love---------abusive
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The more abusive the smaller range you have, more love the bigger the range. Their dysfunction can reduce social skills ect.
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2 dimensions in parenting
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love and discipline
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4 Parenting quadrants:
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1.Emotional Coach (high love high discipline)
2. Laid back (high love low discipline) 3. Dismissive (low love low discipline) 4. Disapproving (low love high discipline) |
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Dismissive Parents
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Emotions make them uncomfortable. They try to soothe them away quickly (give kid treat, put dvd in, make a joke). Children learn when they are upset they should eat, use alcohol and other drugs, entertain themselves
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Disaproving Parents
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Emotions make them uncomfortable. Evidence of weakness. Punish children for natural emotions, children repress feelings and become more anxious, depressed, explosive
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Laid Back Parents
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Emotions don’t bother them, children express whatever feelings they want whenever they want to whomever is near, children don’t learn proper social skills are demanding and unruly.
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Emotional Coaches
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See emotions as an opportunitiy for connection and growth. Express empathy and label emotions. Set appropriate boundaries. Teach children to problem solve.
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What is missing from the parachute model?
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Sibling relationship.
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How important are sibling relationships
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Very you need one person to help you have the exception to negative relationship.
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Family of origin effects
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Family of origins has weak,direct, moderate indirect effects. Ex: FOO influence how you manage emotions, but adult in relationships weak effects.
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Structural aspects vs process
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Structural aspects are less important than the process, divorce is not as important as how you were treated.
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Female FOO influence
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Female FOO usually influences relational outcomes for both sexes, males FOO usually oncly influences his outcomes.
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approval of females---influences relationship outcomes
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Approval of females mother and friends significantly influences relationship outcomes
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People with dysfunctional backgrounds and abuse
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Most people with dysfunctional backgrounds, even severe abuse don’t perpetuate these problems. 70-80% do fine-However most people w/ severe problems came from dysfunctional backgrounds.
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Marital Competence
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Marital Competence: Historical definition p.1003-Was viewed as an individual level concept that was static and unchanging. Contemporary Definition p.1004-(lack of skills), personality is unchanging so couple processes are targeted as they are believed to be changeable. Communication/couple skills are targeted.
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For more effective communication use
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For more effective communication use “I” statements.
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If intent is negative?
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Effective communication, but intent is very important, when choosing it would be better to have good intent but poor communication instead of bad intent and good communication.
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Unchangeable past or ineffective communication skills?
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Neither theory accounts for underlying intentions, do we have to choose between two perspectives? Past effects us and communication skills matter and also intrapersonal characteristics.
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Marital competence
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p.1008 Is both intrapersonal (background, personality, intentions) and interpersonal (communication).
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2 Corner stones of inter and Intra personal competence
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1. Ability to love: How one expresses importance of self and the importance of others in relationship. 2. Ability to negotiate- ability to interact with others to reach a consensus while respecting the rights of each individual (not giving in, but consensus)
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Competence in negotiation is
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an outward expression of one’s ability to love
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Findings from marital competence figure
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-All three domains were shown to be significant associate with relationship quality –Predicted 66% of the variance in quality of relationship –Family experienced influences the intrapersonal domain which in turn influences interpersonal domain. –Negotiation skills are only effective when they are grounded on foundation of love –Strongest association found between other centerdeness and effective communication. –For females their partners other centerdness had the greatest impace on their own relationship (NEED TO TEACH MEAN THIS, IS MOST IMPORTANT)
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while, until, as long as
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dōnec (conj.)
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Ethnic group
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subgroup of people having a common cultural heritage as distinguished by customs, characteristics, language, a common history ex: Jewish
-Most races are also ethnic groups but all ethnic groups are not necessary a race. |
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Culture
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the ideas, customs, and values of a people or group that are passed along to succeeding generations.
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Why do these groups matter
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What is normal abnormal, different, same –Who holds the power-determines what is desireable (black muslim least)-identification or rebellion with groups is important
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Common categories of social class or socioeconomic status
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Typically includes education, income and profession. Culture is based primarily on inheritance.
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Validating
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Marriage counselors ideal-in disagreement they let each partner know/and consider opinions 1. Listen to each side 2. Try to convince each other 3. Agree on compromise. Excellent communicators “Isee” “hmm” share distress by mirroring, friendship “we-ness”, share everything (time, activities, interests, feelings), high value on openness, comminicaiton, being in love and affection. Strengths: both feel valued, ideal portrayed in media, balance between volatile and avoidant. Weaknesses: sacrifice romance and individuality for friendship and togetherness. May forgo personal development to keep strong connection.
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Volatiles
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All around passionate, volcanic arguments are only small part of warm and loving relationship. As intense as battles are good times are that much better. 1. Don’t listen 2. Try to convince 3. Agree on compromise. Bicker over little things, debate seen as positive involvement, high emotion, very passionate, see themselves as equals, individuality, personal space. Strengths: Passionate exciting marriages –fun to make up after quarrels –honest and open relationshilp weaknesses: bickering could consumer marriage, teasing and honesty could be hurtful- more likely to cross into hostility than other styles.
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Avoidant
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conflict minimizers, 1. Don’t listen well 2. Don’t try to convince each other 3. Just don’t agree. Instead agree to disagree- ignore the problem –let time take its course, problems will work themselves out-sense of commitment, least passion of all styles, value independence, based on shared marriage philosophy, don’t think conflict is worth it, emphasize the positive and accept the negative. Strengths: live peacefull lives, many problems do work themselves out. Weakness: don’t know how to handle conflict, become lonely, don’t feel understood.
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Hostile
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final step to divorce. Not classified as a functional marriage style, final stage in cascade to divorce
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5 styles of Conflict
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hostile, avoidant, volatile, validating, mixed
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Magic ratio that makes marriages functional
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5:1 positive –negative exchanges
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Mismatch Couples
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easiest if couples match in conflict styles, except for the hostile style, couples that mismatch tend to feel like there is something “off”. General challenges of mismatched-feel misunderstood, arguments seem unfinished, patronize partners style, one partner feels shut out and the other overwhelmed.
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Challenges of volatile avoidant mismatched couples:
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initial attraction due to spontaneity/security.-over time pursuer-distancer relationship emerges –each partner wants other to be more like them –volatiles spouse feels shut out and wants other to open up, avoidant spouse feels flooded and wants other to calm down.
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The core triad of balance
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perception, physiology and interaction work together to create a stable system. Any one of the three can move the system in a positive or negative direction.
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Perceptions
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we bring perceptual biases to the relationship-our tendency to see positive or negative in self and others. Our perceptions also change as a result of interactions,
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Interactions
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our interactions establish the air within which we breath. If the air is clean and freww we don’t change our perceptions or our physiological arousal. If the air is foul we change our perceptions and become upset-we get asthma.
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Physiological tendencies
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Our proneness to get anxious or upset.
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Interactions and physiological tendencies
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Interactions either help or hinder our natural physiological tendencies-resulting in a relationship that is physiologically damaging or supportive.
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Unsolvable Problems
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Choosing a spouse is choosing a set of unsolvable problems.
Approximatley 70% of conflicts are about unsolvable problems -Unsolvable problems are connected to core personality differences in dreams, ambitions or values |
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Stable couples deal with problems by:
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Begin to notice early the issues are endless cicles. Someone tries to repair the conversation before everything falls apart, before contempt is reached. Not just one person attempts to repair relationship. Here we go again, becomes almost humorous, they don’t let these unsolved problems depress them, they learn to address or at least acknowledge underlying issues/dreams. Emotions event anger are not the problem. It is the manner that they are expressed and the way partners help each other cope with strong feelings.
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Duration:
Regular (Humalin R, Novolin R, Iletin II |
6-8 hr
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Bid
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A question geture look touch, any expression that says “ I want to feel connected to you, I want your attention”
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Can negative behavior be a bid.
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even negative behavior can be a bid. Remember almost all emotions are an invitation for connection
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fuzzy bids
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to avoid outright rejection, to test water if bidder is unsure, most bids are a result of fletting thoughts and feelings are wanting a connection.
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3 Responses to bids
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Turn toward, turn away, turn against
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Turn away options
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Preoccupied (most common), disregarding (usually silence), Interrupting
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Turn against options
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just different ways of being mean
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Gender differences in bids
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husbands in happy and unhappy marriages are moredifferent in terms of bids. Husbands headed for divorce disregard partners 82% of time, while those in stable marriages disregard 19% of time. Wives tend to turn towards almost same % of time whether happy marriage or unhappy marriage.
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# of bids for couple
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Happy married couples turn toward and have bids 100 times at dinner, unhappily less than 60
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