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36 Cards in this Set
- Front
- Back
- 3rd side (hint)
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Lady Bracknell and Miss Fairfax |
Good afternoon dear Algernon, I hope you are behaving very well |
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I'm feeling very well, Aunt Augusta |
That's not quite the same thing. In fact the two things rarely go together. |
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It would leave no room for development and I intend to develop in many directions. |
I'm sorry if we are a little late, Algernon, but I was obliged to call on dear Lady Harbury. I hadn't been there since her poor husband's deaths. I never saw a woman so altered; she looks quite twenty years younger. And now I'll have a cup of tea, and one of those nice cucumber sandwiches you promised me. |
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Certainly, Aunt Augusta |
Won't you come and sit here, Gwendolen? |
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About there being no cucumbers, not even for ready money |
It really makes no matter, Algernon. I had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now. |
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I hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief. |
It has certainly changed it's colour. From what cause I, of course, cannot say. Thank you. I've quite a treat for you tonight, Algernon. I am going to send you down with Mary Farquhar. She is such a nice woman, and so attentive to her husband. It's delightful to watch them. |
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I shall have to give up the pleasure of dining with you tonight after all. |
I hope not, Algernon. It would put my table completely out. Your uncle would have to dine upstairs. Fortunately he is accustomed to that. |
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They seem to think I should be with him. |
It is very strange. This Mr. Bunbury seems to suffer from curiously bad health. |
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Yes, poor Mr. Bunbury is a dreadful invalid. |
Well, I must say Algernon, that I think it is high time that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to live or to die. This shilly-shallying with the question is absurd. Nor do I in any way approve of the modern sympathy with invalids. I consider it morbid. Illness of any kind is hardly a thing to be encouraged in others. Health is the primary duty of life. I am always telling that to your poor uncle, but he never seems to take much notice... As far as any improvement in his ailments goes. I should be much obliged if you would ask Mr. Bunbury, from me, to be kind enough not to have a relapse on Saturday, for I rely on you to arrange my music for me. It is my last reception and one wants something that will encourage conversation, particularly at the end of the season when everyone has practically said whatever they had to say, which, in most cases, was probably not much. |
Well, this, nor, I, Illness, Health, I, I, It, |
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But I'll run over the programme I've drawn out, if you will kindly come into the next room for a moment. |
Thank you, Algernon. It is very thoughtful of you. I'm sure the programme will be delightful, after a few expurgations. French songs I cannot possibly allow. People always seem to think that they are improper and either look shocked, which is vulgar, or laugh, which is worse. But German sounds a thoroughly respectable language, and indeed, I believe is so. Gwendolen, you will accompany me. |
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I hope you will always look at me like that, especially when there are other people present. |
Mr. Worthing! Rise, sir, from this semi-recumbent posture. It is most indecorous. |
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Besides, Mr. Worthing has not quite finished yet. |
Finished what, may I ask? |
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I am engaged to Mr. Worthing, mamma. |
Pardon me, you are not engaged to anyone. When you do become engaged to someone, I, or your father, should his health permit him, will inform you of the fact. An engagement should come on a young girl as a surprise, pleasant or unpleasant as the case may be. It is hardly a matter that she could be allowed to arrange for herself... And now I have a few questions to put to you, Mr. Worthing. While I am making these inquiries, you, Gwendolen, will wait for me below in the carriage. |
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Mamma! |
In the carriage, Gwendolen! ......... Gwendolen, the carriage! |
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Yes, mamma |
You can take a seat, Mr. Worthing. |
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I prefer standing |
I feel bound to tell you that you are not down on my list of eligible young men, although I have the same list as the dear Duchess of Bolton has. We work together, in fact. However, I am quite ready to enter your name, should your answers be what a really affectionate mother requires. Do you smoke? |
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I must admit I smoke |
I am glad to hear it. A man should always have an occupation of some kind. There are far too many idle men in London as it is. How old are you? |
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Twenty nine. |
A very good age to be married at. I have always been of opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing. Which do you know? |
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I know nothing, Lady Bracknell |
I am pleased to hear it. I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom I'd gone. The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately in England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor Square. What is your income? |
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Between seven and eight thousand a year. |
In land or in investments? |
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In investments, chiefly. |
That is satisfactory. What between the duties expected of one during one's lifetime, and the duties exacted from one after one's death, land had ceased to be either a profit or a pleasure. It gives one position and prevents one from keeping it up. That's all that can be said about land. |
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The poachers are the only people who make anything out of it. |
A country house! How many bedrooms? Well that point can be cleared up afterwards. You have a town house, I hope? A girl with a simple, unspoiled nature, like Gwendolen, could hardly be expected to reside in the country. |
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I can get it back whenever I like, at six months notice. |
Lady Bloxham? I don't know her. |
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She is a lady considerably advanced in years. |
Ah, now-a-days that is no guarantee of respectability of character. What number on Belgrave Square? |
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149 |
The unfashionable side. I thought there was something. However, that could easily be altered. |
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Do you mean the fashion or the side? |
Both, if necessary, I presume. What are your politics? |
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I am a Liberal Unionist. |
Oh, they count as Tories. They dine with us. Or come in the evening, at any rate. Now to minor matters. Are your parents living? |
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I have lost both my parents |
To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. Who was your father? He was evidently a man of some wealth. Was he born in what the Radical papers call the purple of commerce or did he rise from the ranks of the aristocracy? |
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Well, I was found. |
Found! |
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It is a seaside resort. |
Where did the charitable gentleman who had a first-class ticket for this seaside resort find you? |
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In a hand bag |
A hand bag? |
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An ordinary hand bag in fact |
In what locality did this Mr. James or Thomas Cardew come across this ordinary hand bag? |
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It was given to him in mistake for his own. |
The cloak room at Victoria Station? |
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The Brighton line |
The line is immaterial. Mr. Worthing, I confess I feel somewhat bewildered by what you have just told me. To be born, or at any rate bred, in a hand bag, whether it had handles or not, seems to me to display a contempt for the ordinary decencies of family life that reminds one of the worst excesses of the french revolution. And I presume you know what that unfortunate movement led to? As for the particular locality in which the hand bag was found, a cloak room at a railway station might serve to conceal a social indiscretion - had probably indeed been used for that purpose before now - but it could hardly be regarded as an assured basis for a recognized position in good society. |
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I would do anything in the world to ensure Gwendolen's happiness. |
I would strongly advise you, Mr. Worthing, to try and acquire some relations as soon as possible, and to make a definite effort to produce at any rate one parent, of either sex, before the session is quite over. |
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I really think that should satisfy you, Lady Bracknell |
Me, sit! What has it to do with me? You can hardly imagine that I and Lord Bracknell would dream of allowing our only daughter - a girl brought up with the utmost care - to marry into a cloak room and form an alliance with a parcel? Good morning, Mr. Worthing! |
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