Concept Keys

Front 1

You Create your successes and failures through your thoughts and actions.

Back 1

# Your reality is socially constructed through your interactions with others. Think about this a second. This means that YOU create the world you live in through your thoughts, words, and actions.

# How you communicate influences how you view the world; how you view the world influences how you communicate. There is a reciprocal effect, with one constantly influencing the other.

# Consider the basic premises of these theories:

1. You act towards things based on the meaning you've assigned them.( i.e., you revere gold but do not pay much attention to aluminum foil because you believed when someone said the former has more worth than the latter)

2. You act towards other people based on the meaning those people have for you. (i.e., You treat your boss or professor with respect if you think she or he can make or break your career, but you don't pay much attention to the convenience store clerk)

3. You negotiate your reality through your interactions with others. Without language to interact with the others, there would be no shared meaning. It is the shared meaning that allows you and the others to use a common language.

4. Your individual self-concept is developed through interactions with others. Without interactions, you would not have a sense of self. So, how you view yourself is shaped by how others tell you they view you through their words and actions. For example, if your parents told you that you were good at talking with adults, chances are you believed it. Conversely, if they told you that you were shy, chances are that you believed that and acted accordingly.

The interactions you have with others become the 'stories' that you have about yourself. The stories can become self-fulfilling prophecies, and they influence the way you communicate. For example, if your current story is 'I'm shy; I'm not good with people I don't know,' then you do not take the initiative to break the ice, ask questions, or present yourself as confident to strangers.

5. Unlike animals, as a human, you can view a situation from another's perspective.

Front 2

Everything you say and do produces an effect. Act so you'll get the effect you want.

Back 2

# The Laws of Cause and Effect occur both in science and in communication.

# Every one of your communicative acts, whether intentional or unintentional, produces an effect in those around you or those who hear about it. The effect can be immediate, like responding to a question or thinking the other is a social klutz.

# The effect can last a lifetime. Remember that teacher that told you that you couldn't do something? Chances are, you still believe that today even though it was probably false.

# Many of the negative thoughts and attitudes we hold were from unintentional communication. That is, someone didn't think it through.

# Isn't it wiser for you to be an intentional communicator?

Front 3

Asking questions makes you appear smarter.

Back 3

# One of the simplest ways for you to appear smarter is to ask questions. Sounds counter-intuitive, doesn't it?

# It's true. Smarter people realize what they don't know, and so they ask questions to then know it. The catch is that they ask sophisticated questions.

# Take a look at what that might mean: There are different types of questions you can ask. You can ask for:

1. More information - 'That's interesting. Can you tell me more?'

2. Specific information - 'What did you say that number was?'

3. Opinions or ideas - 'Ellen, what do you think about that?'

# In some instances, it's a good idea to paraphrase first what you do know, and then ask what you don't know. For example, 'I understand that the paper is based on someone in my life who is a competent communicator, and I know it's due in two weeks. What I don't understand is how you want it organized. Can you explain that further?' This is an example of a sophisticated question.

# Another type of sophisticated question is to say from where you got your information and then ask the question. For example, 'I read a story in the Wall Street Journal that your company has decided to put $3 million dollars in international development. What role will this investment have in your job or division?'

# People who ask sophisticated questions appear smarter than those who keep silent.

Front 4

Your communication is patterned, and you can change many of the patterns that are not working for you!

Back 4

# Your communication is patterned and governed by rules, many of the rules much older than you are. A pattern is an established mode of behavior, and that behavior happens over and over again.

# Rules can be cultural rules or personal rules. For example, in the US American culture, a rule is that we allow 'personal space' for another, and we try not to invade the personal space. A 'personal rule' might be one your family developed, like you look at an elder when they are speaking expect when you are getting reprimanded; in that case, you look down.

# Many communication patterns are good, as they help you through the interaction with minimal thinking. For example, a typical cultural pattern is that you answer when you are asked a question, or pick up the telephone when it rings and provide some sort of greeting. The greeting can vary, depending on whether you have caller ID or not.

# Understanding patterns help you become a more effective communicator because you can put those patterns into action. For example, when someone provides you information in small talk, you provide the same type of information back. This is known as the Rule of Reciprocity. Thus, if someone new shakes your hand and says, 'Hello! I'm Paul, and I work at Cerner,' the rule says you should provide your name and where you work.

# A negative pattern could be how you approach someone. If you've always gotten a negative response, consider if you're perhaps coming on too strong or too tentative.

Front 5

You cannot NOT communicate. Thus it pays to be conscious and intentional with your communication.

Back 5

# When you are in the presence of others, they are making meaning about you. Thus, you are always communicating, whether you mean to or not.

# You, and all people, are meaning-making machines. Most of us make meaning of our environment most of the time. You might make meaning of a dog wandering in the neighborhood or a person entering the room. To 'make meaning' is just to have thoughts in your head.

# Meaning is made in the receiver, and it may or may not be the message the sender intended to send. For example, your boss did not mean for you to think he did not like you when he did not acknowledge you, but that might be how it felt for you.

# Remember the first day of class or work? You automatically had perceptions of each person you saw. You didn't even need to interact with them; you created some idea of what they were like. Some of the meaning may have included what others told you about the person, and when you saw the person, you agreed or disagreed in your mind.

# Whenever you are in a context where others can see you; they are making meaning about you. Thus, you cannot not communicate.

# Help others make the meaning you want by being a conscious and intentional communicator. To be conscious means to be aware. To be intentional means that you are consciously selecting your verbal and nonverbal behaviors. That is, you are thinking before you act. This enables you to think of the right thing to do or say, and then to do or say it.

Front 6

As an interpersonal communicator you are both a scientist and an artist, prepare yourself for both.

Back 6

# Knowing the right thing to do or say is useless unless you do or say it. Thus, to be effective, you must know the science of communication, and you must artfully implement it.

# Communication is a social science, and researchers have developed and tested theories about why people communicate and what effects occur with certain communication actions.

# When you become a competent communicator, you understand the science of communication. That is, you, an effective communicator understands the theories, concepts, and patterns of communication.

# When you are a competent communicator, you know what should change communication (science) and are able to implement it in the moment (art). For example, when you as a scientist understand the Communication Accommodation Theory by Giles, you know that you act like another when you want the other to like you. So, when you go into a job interview or a performance appraisal, you, as the communication artist, can 'match' the other's nonverbal behaviors (body leans, amount of eye contact) to produce more convergence and perceived similarity.

# You have had some luck in communication, which is good. But, if you don't know why it worked, then it's hard to repeat it. When you know why something works, then you are better able to implement it appropriately and get the results you want.

Front 7

Change is hard. Changing communication styles and patterns that you have practiced for years is impossible without practice!

Back 7

# As a human, you generally don't change unless you have to or you want to. Changing because you have to generally results in temporary change. Changing because you want to results in more permanent change.

# For example, have you ever quit a bad habit just because someone told you it was bad for you? Consider things like smoking, overheating, or interrupting others. Perhaps as a child you might have modified your behavior when around the unapproving adult, but as an adult, chances are you would ignore the other and continue doing what you were doing.

# You will only change that behavior when you see the benefits of change. For example, many adults do not quit smoking or eating healthy until their first heart attack.

# What would make you want to change how you are communicating? Do you want to be a more confident speaker? Better at listening? Consider your personal goal of what you want to be better at or be perceived as doing well.

# Recognize that changing your communication involves two steps. First, you need to know what to do to be more competent. Second, you need to do it. Knowing without doing will not make you competent.

# Realize that practicing your change will be uncomfortable at first. Just like learning to dance, throwing a baseball (differently), or cooking. The more you practice, the better you will get!

Front 8

You can become a more competent communicator by paraphrasing and confirming!

Back 8

# Both paraphrasing and confirming show the other that you understand what they said.

# When you can paraphrase what others have said by putting it into your own words, it means you understand the other's message.

# Understanding is not the same as agreement. If you verbally paraphrase, the other person will believe you have understood, not that you agree.

# To make paraphrasing even stronger, turn it into confirming by adding the element, 'Did I get that right?' or something similar. This forces the other to agree that you understand or allows them to show you how you didn't quite get it right.

For example, 'Let me make sure I understood you. You want me to make 4 copies of this document and send one to each manager on the third floor. Is that right?'

# Paraphrasing and Confirming helps others trust you more because they know you understand.

# Consider how these skills might help you at work or at school:

1. Often employees are embarrassed to ask questions, and employers are nervous because they don't know if their directions were understood. If directions are not confirmed, it can lead to costly mistakes and embarrassment.

2. Check your understanding of an assignment through confirming with your boss or professor. Include what you believe needs to be done, as well as the deadline. Your boss or professor will have the opportunity to correct you or let you know if you're right. Better yet, your boss will trust that you know what you're doing and that it will get done correctly -- and you'll have that confidence, too!

3. These skills lead to less nervous bosses and professors and more productive and confident employees and students. A skill well worth the effort!

Front 9

Always strive to confirm the others message before considering whether you agree with them or not!

Back 9

# Remember: Confirmation simply means you understand the speaker's message. Confirmation does not mean that you agree or disagree with the message. It's best to understand the message before you decide if you agree or disagree with it.

# In disagreements, both parties are fighting to be understood. Show you understand the other first by successfully confirming his/her position. You should not consider whether or not you agree or disagree; simply confirm the other's position.

# When a speaker knows that his/her message has been understood correctly, it is often easier for the speaker to quit fighting to be understood and try to understand your point.

# Once you feel understood, you are ready to take in new information and understand. Thus, it's to your advantage to understand the other first in a disagreement, as it will then put the other in the place to understand you.

# Once both party's positions are understood, consider the common ground. Often, there is more common ground than you think, and the disagreement is rather small in comparison.

Front 10

It is easier to connect with others when you use their names in conversation!

Back 10

# Names are important to people because they are personal. Especially in the American culture, we would rather feel like a person and not a number.

# When someone uses your name, you feel special --
unless, of course, someone you know uses your FULL name, which usually means you are in trouble.

# Listen to leaders -- they use people's names when they talk. It helps erase the perceived status barrier between the leader and the subordinate. Conversely, subordinates who want to be perceived as equals often use their supervisor's names in conversation. The form of address, Bill vs. Mr. President, may vary depending upon the context of communication.

# At this point in your life, it can be uncomfortable using names at first because you are not used to it or you have not been in a position of power. However, learning to use others' names in conversation can make the other feel comfortable and help erase the power differential.

Front 11

Competent communicators realize you never get a second chance to make a first impression!

Back 11

# When you are a competent communicator, then you are perceived to be appropriate as well as effective in both speaking and listening. Competent communicators realize they must be competent from the first point of contact.

# 'Appropriate' communication is that which is socially sanctioned. This means that you follow the rules for such interactions. Not knowing the rules often is what makes you nervous. For example, a first-time employment interview is often nerve-wracking because you are not knowledgeable of the rules.

# 'Effective' communication is commonly defined in terms of goals met and/or relational satisfaction. For example, if your goal is to negotiate a certain price for a car, and you get that price, then you were effective. Effectiveness also can be the 'feel good' that comes from relational satisfaction. For example, research has shown that often the act of talking stimulates the pleasure center of a woman's brain, often resulting in relational satisfaction. It is interesting to note that the effect is not the same for men.

# Humans immediately make first impressions. Competent communicators realize that you never get a second chance to make a first impression.

Front 12

When you are a competent communicator, you are strategic, not manipulative!

Back 12

# Strategic communicators consider the needs of all parties involved in the communication. Manipulative communicators consider their own interests and will do whatever necessary to get what they want.

# Strategic communicators know what they want, and they're willing to listen to what others want and try to come to a solution where both will benefit.

# Manipulative communicators attempt to get what they want, with little to no regard of the other. No one likes to be manipulated. You may get what you want through manipulating others; however, when others discover it, there is little hope for positive and trusting future interactions.

# If you don't understand what's important to the other or what the benefit might be, then it is important to ask them directly.

# Competent communicators know what types of communication are best for different contexts and why. They understand how the communication will benefit all parties involved, and they are able to enact it.

Front 13

When you are a competent communicator, you know how to be conscious and intentional in applying the 'rules' of communication!

Back 13

# There are 'rules' of communication that have been developed by each culture. These rules vary from how we show respect (through eye contact or through no eye contact) to how much 'space' is appropriate between two people when talking face to face. There are many more, too.

# Individuals speaking the language of the culture are expected to know the rules of the culture. For example, how would you react to someone who asked for directions but stood close enough to you so that you felt his breath on your face? In some cultures, the rule IS to stand this close, or the speaker should not be trusted!

# When you are a competent communicator, you know (are conscious of) the rules. For example, how would you address a close friend's mother when you are introducing her to your class as a guest speaker? You're right if you indicated a more formal address, like 'Please welcome Professor Jones.'

# When you are a competent communicator, you know when to apply the rules. For example, when you're at your close friend's house having dinner, it's fine to address your friend's mother as 'Jane' and not 'Professor Jones.'

# A competent communicator is willing and able to apply the appropriate rules.

Front 14

It is necessary for you to have conflict in a relationship for it to grow and be maintained!

Back 14

# Have you ever given thought to how relationships develop? One theory about how you grow and maintain relationships through conflict is the Dialectical Theory by Baxter and Montgomery (1988).

# A dialectic is a polar opposite. For example, 'I want to be single' versus 'I want to be an 'us', not a me.' The polar opposites are being alone versus being a couple.

According to the theory, each individual has multiple dialectics within, including, but not limited to these primary US American ones:

1. Integration (The desire to be a part of something larger, like a couple or a group) versus Separation (The desire to be an individual).

2. Expression (The amount of information you feel comfortable telling others) versus Nonexpression (The amount of information you want to keep as a secret). This dialectic is also known as Reveal and Hide.

3. Stability (The desire to follow a routine and keep things the same all of the time) versus Change (The desire to do something different every time).

# According to the theory, it is the tension caused by the internal dialectic that propels one into communicating with the other. For example, if you are feeling smothered in the relationship, you might blurt out, 'Get off my back! I need my space!'

# The resulting communication between the couple constitutes (creates and builds) and reconstitutes (recreates and rebuilds) the relationship.

# In a nutshell, the process is that the dialectical tension is in you, you say/do something to try to take away the distress caused by the dialectic tension , what you say is not expected or always accepted by the other, which leads to verbal/nonverbal conflict, which then leads to another place in the relationship.

# The Dialectical Theory was developed initially for romantic relationships, but it often is applied to platonic relationships, too. However, it can only apply to relationships that have some interdependence.

# Conflicts, when resolved maturely, create intimacy, and it is the intimacy that helps a relationship grow.

Front 15

You can learn how to manage differences so both parties get what they want!

Back 15

# Many people are afraid of conflict because they do not know how to manage differences maturely. Managing interpersonal conflict is critical for developing and maintaining relationships, and it is the hallmark of a competent communicator.

# Many times people think they have a disagreement, but they actually do not. Or, sometimes the difference isn't as big as you might think. It's often good to use this skill at the beginning of a disagreement instead of waiting for an argument to escalate.

# Think of managing differences as a three part skill:

1. State what is important to you and why it is important to you. For example, 'It is important to me that we get this project finished by Thursday because we need to give it to Rahul to proof it before we submit it.

2. Ask what is important to the other person and why it's important. 'Eric, what's important to you and why?'

3. Find your common ground and then manage the difference from there.

# For example, if Eric said, 'it's important to me to add the company logo because I think they make the presentation personal, and I don't think I'll have them until Friday morning.'

Then you can suggest that the presentation, with a placeholder for the logo, is given to Rahul on Thursday night, so he can proof it, and then the logo can be added on Friday afternoon. This is a win/win, as both people get what's important to them.

# The best solutions to interpersonal conflict are those that make both parties happy.

Front 16

You develop and maintain relationships if the rewards of being with the other outweigh the costs!

Back 16

# The Social Exchange Theory, based in Social Psychology, is another theory scholars use to explain WHY you develop and maintain relationships with others. It assumes that you want to maximize rewards and decrease costs.

# The theory is based on the idea that in social relationships, you and the other person constantly exchange resources. Resources could be monetary, like money or gifts, or they can be intangible, like happiness or the possibility of being famous.

# Resources are evaluated by you to be rewarding or not, and it varies by individual. For example, you might like happiness, while another person might like gifts.

# You tend to seek what is rewarding to you. However, sometimes you know the reward will not come right away, so you are happy to give (build up costs) during that time. For example, you study hard and take tests seriously because you know it will lead to a good grade at the end of the semester.

# Rewards and Costs can be Immediate (obtained now) or Forecasted (obtained later). Sometimes, you have accumulated a lot of rewards from the other person (Cumulative Rewards), so you'll do them a favor. For example, your best friend called you every day while you were waiting to hear about a new job. She promised to do this, and did it successfully for 10 days. On the 11th day, something comes up and she can't call. Because she has already done so much, you're more likely to forgive her.

# That works in reverse, too, and it's known as Cumulative Costs. Suppose you're working in a group, and one group member has never pulled his weight. Although he always promised he would, he's never met a deadline, and your work often built on his. The day before the project is due, he asks for help on a piece of the project that will only reflect on him. You might feel comfortable in not offering to help because he was not helpful to you all along.

Front 17

When you use small talk, you use safety talk, which is some of the most important talk you will ever have!

Back 17

# Small talk is important because it helps you connect and feel human. You also can use it as an 'audition' for a future relationship. In reality, most relationships do not progress beyond small talk. However, the skill is critical to success.

# Many people hate small talk, but the truth is, it is some of the most important talk in the world. You can learn to be great at small talk by asking interesting questions and being an interested listener.

# Small talk is safety talk if it steers clear of topics that can be controversial. For example, it is unwise to talk about politics and religion when you first meet someone unless you know that the other's views are similar to your views.

Safe topics usually include the weather, traffic, hobbies, local events, and most national and international news.

# When you ask questions, make sure that you exhibit effective listening skills while listening to the answer. You should employ the Rule of Reciprocity, which means that after they answer, you should provide equal information.

# Tip: It's a great idea to change your Internet's homepage to a news source so that you're aware of what's going on in the world and can comment intelligently.

# If you learn how to feel comfortable with small talk, you will establish stronger relationships, you will have access to more 'go to' acquaintances, and others will perceive you as good with people. If you do NOT learn how to small talk effectively, you decrease the possibility of establishing close relationships, and you have limited access to knowledge.

Front 18

Be interested, not interesting!

Back 18

# The truth is, like most people, you like to talk about what you are interested in. But, you worry that others might not find the topic interesting. Thus, when meeting new people, it pays to 'be interested, not interesting.'

# Show your interest by asking questions, probing, confirming, and using effective nonverbal listening skills (appropriate eye contact, facial expressions, nodding, and body posture directed towards the speaker).

# You can display further interest with phrases like, 'That's really interesting. Tell me more.'

# One way to find out what another is interested in is by asking what she likes to do in her spare time. Once she tells you something she enjoys, you can ask more specific and probing questions about it.

# You must use the Rule of Reciprocity somewhat, or the other might think you are weird!

# Demonstrate your interest by using effective listening skills. Most people find effective listeners to be some of the most interesting conversationalists in the world!

Front 19

You will find more job opportunities when you network with acquaintances and strangers rather than friends!

Back 19

# Why is networking important when looking for a job? According to the The Strength of Weak Ties, the people with whom you have strong ties (know well) generally know who you know and what you know; thus, no new information or contacts can be gained.

# Those with whom you have weak ties (little to no interaction) have strong ties with others, and it is those other people who have access to the information you need.

# You can have three types of ties with others:

Strong ties = Interact at least once a week or more
Weak ties = Interact more than once a year but less than twice a week
Non-Existent Ties = Those you interact with once a year or less

# In a survey of 282 professionals, 16.7% said they found their job through strong ties, 55.6% through weak ties, and 27.8% through non-existent ties. Think about this a second: Over 83% of those employed found their current job by interacting with others with whom they had little to no previous interactions!

# It is critical for you to increase social interaction with weak ties to increase your chance of finding a job.

# An excellent way to develop weak ties is by joining a professional association or organization and regularly attending their meetings.

# The strength of weak ties also can be applied to getting a date or meeting new friends.

Front 20

When you understand how self esteem develops differently in men and women, you will better understand its influence on communication!

Back 20

# Self-esteem is the foundation of much communication, as it directly effects how comfortable you feel communicating. Both females and males run the gamut on how comfortable they feel when communicating with others. Their self-esteem influences the communication transaction.

# Men's self-esteem often derives more from a man's ability to maintain a higher status and independence from others. This 'king of the hill' approach begins as a child and develops through one's life. Thus, men's use of language is often viewed as a 'one upmanship.' For example, their language might be used to express how they are the best at something or how they faced something alone and were not afraid. The lengths of display of expressions of emotion by men, except anger, are significantly less than women's expressions of emotions.

# A women's self-esteem is partly maintained by one's ability to connect through sustained intimate relationships with others. Women's use of language is often to identify similarities with others as opposed to differences. For example, women's language might include an expression of a similar experience or a downplaying of praise by suggesting that others were involved.

# Additionally, women use significantly more tag questions, like 'it's hot in here, isn't it?' to gain agreement and connection. Men simply say, 'It's hot!'

# Male's brains are wired for competitive games more than female's brains. Boys spend about 65% of their play time in competitive games, and girls spend 35% of their time in competitive games. Girls take turns 20 times more than the boys. If this pattern begins while you are young, consider how it has stayed with you as you have matured.

# Generally speaking, women gain self-esteem from connection, while men gain it from independence. Regardless of its origin, your language style is affected

Front 21

You can increase the odds of showing others that you are listening by doing 3 things!

Back 21

# According to research in US North America by Norton and Pettegrew, the top 3 components of perceived attention or listening while in a conversation are eye contact, posture, and verbal behaviors.

# You increase the probability of being a good listener by 1) demonstrating effective eye contact and posture, and 2) by using verbal encouragers and 3) by paraphrasing the speaker.

# Eye contact in the US is variable, with women generally gazing longer than males when speaking and listening to others. Generally, you make direct eye contact, then you break it for a second or two by looking away, and then you re-establish eye contact. No one keeps constant eye contact.

# Verbal responses are important to show that you are listening. The top two cited verbal behaviors from the study include paraphrasing and verbal encouragers.

Verbal encouragers are those sounds you make to let the other know you are listening, but don't want to speak, like 'uh-huh', 'hmmm', 'really?'

Paraphrasing is when you repeat the idea back to the other in your own words.

# Those who do not show effective listening behaviors are thought not to be listening. You've probably been accused of not listening at some time in your life. Is that because you did not consciously think about showing the speaker that you were listening?

Front 22

Your brain is not hard-wired to listen for long period of times. You must learn and practice strategies to help!

Back 22

# Listening is hard work. It differs from hearing in that you hear things passively -- the sound of a door shutting, someone's voice calling you, and the hum of a refrigerator. However, listening requires conscious effort to pay attention and make meaning of what the other person is saying. This conscious effort takes energy, and your brain is not equipped to do it for long without some help.

# Your brain is hard-wired to pay attention only for 8 - 22 seconds at a time before it breaks attention. Unless you help it along, by both comprehending when you're paying attention and bringing yourself back when you're not, you may miss important ideas from the speaker.

# In addition, consider how this brain research can affect listening to a lecture or a conversation.

You, as the average speaker, can speak approximately 125 to 200 words per minute.

You, as the average listener, can listen to and comprehend up to 600 words per minute.

What do you supposed happens with the 'extra' 400 - 475 words per minute you could be processing in your brain? That's right -- you begin multi-tasking, and pretty soon the second topic is much more intriguing than the first.

# Consciously using listening strategies helps keep you on track. Listening strategies can occur before, during, and after an interaction.

# Listening strategies include thinking about what you want to get out of a conversation prior to having it, asking questions during the conversation to better understand the message, and reflecting upon your listening performance after the conversation to determine what you can do better next time, to name a few.

Front 23

When listening it is better to single task than multi-task!

Back 23

# You might think you are a good multi-tasker, but recent research suggests that you might be mistaken.

# You are aware that different parts of the brain control different processes of the body. For example, the visual cortex, located in the back base of the brain, makes meaning of what you see. Broadbent's area, located in the left cortex, is also known as the language processing center, and it, along with Working Memory, located in the pre-frontal cortex, is responsible for making meaning of what you listen to, as well as determining what you say.

# Recent research suggests that when you use two different parts of your brain, like walking and talking, then your ability to listen to and comprehend a message is not too affected.

However, when you try to do two language processing tasks that both use the same part of the brain, like have a conversation while texting a friend or checking your email while listening to a lecture, then your ability to do either is decreased. This is because you really switch single tasks, or go back and forth between the conversation and texting.

# The result of multi-tasking is that both tasks take more time, and both tasks will have more mistakes in comprehension.

The result of single-tasking, or paying attention to only one language processing task at a time, is that you will complete both in less time, and you will understand and potentially remember more.

Front 24

Be conscious that both your verbal and nonverbal behaviors show others who you like and who you do not like!

Back 24

# Communication Accommodation Theory (CAT) says that you act differently in different contexts depending upon whom you like and do not like.

# You converge, or adopt similar verbal or nonverbal behaviors, with those you want to be like and those you want to like you. For example, if your conversational partner leans back, and you want to be liked by him/her, you are more likely to lean back.

You diverge, or adopt different verbal or nonverbal behaviors, with those from whom you want to be different. For example, you might use bigger words or drop names to appear smarter or better connected than your conversational partner.

# Most times your accommodations (convergence/divergence) occur unconsciously, though in higher stress situations, like job interviews, you may use them more consciously.

# Those with whom you converge are your 'in-group' and those with whom you diverge are our 'out-group'. Thus, others can tell who you like and do not like by how much you synchronize your behaviors with others.

Front 25

Though you cannot read another's mind, through training, you can learn to read their emotions!

Back 25

# Most people cannot read other's minds. However, you can learn to read their emotions, which is almost as good as reading their minds. There are seven emotions that are culturally independent. That is, regardless of the where someone is born (the US, Australia, Japan, India, etc.), our faces show these emotions by using the same facial expressions.

# The seven emotions include happiness, sadness, disgust, contempt, anger, surprise, and fear. You experience these emotions before you know you are experiencing them. Thus, they show on your face before you can control them.

# Different cultures have 'display rules', which identify how long it is acceptable to show an emotion. The quickest you can wipe an expression off of your face is about 1/5th of a second. But, for that time your emotion was showing in your 'micro-expression.' Without training, your ability to correctly identify another's emotion is about 50%, which is not so good. However, training can significantly increase your ability to read other's expressions and emotions.

# Even if you can't achieve 100%, your ability to know something is going on allows you to probe for further information. For example, you can say, 'that doesn't look like it settled well with you' or 'what are you thinking?'

Front 26

You demonstrate your Social Intelligence by recognizing others' feelings and acting appropriately on your knowledge!

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# The theory of Social Intelligence proposes that individuals who are able to read others' emotions, and act on them appropriately, are more successful in most aspects of life. The theory includes both social awareness and social facility.

# Look at the three assumptions of Social Intelligence.

First, it is important to recognize how others are feeling. Some people can do this well intuitively, and others can improve their abilities by learning to read faces, as was demonstrated with Ekman's Facial Action Coding System work. This is part of social awareness.

Second, you must know what is appropriate in different situations. That means understanding some basic concepts and theories of communication. This also is part of social awareness.

Third, you must be willing to do what is appropriate in any given situation. This is known as social facility.

# It is in Social Facility where you might feel challenged by communication. You may recognize what is appropriate, but if you are not willing to do it, then the effect is just as if you did not know what to do at all. Being a competent communicator takes practice.

# Research has shown that those with high social intelligence have superior interpersonal skills.

# Competent communicators never stop learning. As a new competent communicator, you can hone your skills throughout your lifetime by constantly learning about communication, becoming more aware of the nuances of the communication context as well as your communication partners' emotions, and practicing different techniques in the moment.

# Competent communicators are willing to make a mistake. It IS a risk to try something new in the moment of communication; however, unless you try something new for at least 7 days, you will not recognize if it works for you or not.

# A communicator with social intelligence is aware of others' feelings and thoughts, knows what is appropriate communicative behavior based on the context, and is willing and able to employ the behavior.

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You can become a more competent communicator by understanding how male and female brains work differently to influence their communication styles!

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# Advances in sophisticated technology have confirmed what you have always suspected: the brains of males and females are different in their structure and their processing. The structure is the physical make-up of the brain, and the processing is how it works, and it's likely that these differences influence how we communicate.

# Women's brains are 10% smaller and 11% more dense than men's brains. In addition, women have more connective tissue between their brain hemispheres. These are differences in structure.

# If different sides of your brains control different processes, then it stands to reason that males and females would have different communication processing.

# Women have a larger hippocampus, which facilitates emotional memory. Women remember more details with emotional events except in situations of anger and feeling threatened. In those instances, men remember more details.

# The process of talking activates the pleasure center of a woman's brain by providing a major oxytocin and dopamine chemical rush. These are the 'feel good' chemicals. Talking does not produce the same chemical rush in males.

# Empathy is shown differently in males and females. The brain has two simultaneous emotional systems: the mirror-neuron system (MNS) and the temporal-parietal junction system (TPJ). The MNS is responsible for emotional empathy, and though it works both in males and females, females stay with it longer and males switch to the TPJ more quickly. The TPJ is the cognitive empathy system, and it is the brain's 'activate and fix it' feature. Thus, female brains linger longer in what you might think of empathy, the ability to 'feel with' the other. After 'feeling with', women usually want to help 'fix it' by taking the others' pain or frustration away.

# Male brains have more testosterone, which makes them zoom through the 'feel with' empathy of the MNS system and rush to the 'fix it' empathy of the TPJ system. They feel that if they can solve the problem, then they can take the others' pain or frustration away.

# You should notice how both males and females are similar in that they feel with the other, and they both want to help.

# Male and female brains have structural and processing differences, which influences their communication in terms of empathy and liking to talk.

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Men and women are often more similar than different, but small differences can have big effects!

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# You may be surprised to learn that in most research studies, men and women have more similarities than differences in communication. For example, they both listen to create meaning, and they both use a similar language. However, even one small difference may have a huge effect. This key based on the following:

Gottman, J. M. (1994). What predicts divorce?: The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum.

Gottman, J.M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically-based marital therapy. New York: Norton and Co.

# Women associate eye contact with listening, so if you do not establish eye contact when a woman is speaking, then she may think you are not listening.

# Men may associate eye contact from women as flirtation. If you are a female and look a male in the eye too much while he is talking, he may think you are interested in being more than just friends. In addition, men may associate too much eye contact from another man as a challenge.

# Women often 'show' they're listening, both verbally and nonverbally, more than men. For example, it has been documented that women nod more, have more eye contact, and use more verbal encouragers.

# When listening, men and women have differences in eye contact, nodding, and verbal encouragers. Though both genders do these things; it's the amount in which they do them that is often perceived to be the big difference from the other gender.

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Giving specific compliments can reap many rewards!

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# Let's face it, as a human, you like to get compliments. It means that someone has taken notice of something you have done, and it feels good. But, how often do you provide specific compliments to others? Most of us forget to do so, but incorporating this skill into your daily communication can reap many rewards.

# If you are like most others, you give general compliments like 'good job!' or 'well done!' While these may feel nice, the feeling fades quickly, and the receiver of the compliment does not know what you really liked.

# Beginnings today, think of complimenting as a 3-part skill.

1. First, open with the SPECIFIC of what you are complimenting. For example, 'Thank you so much for covering my shift yesterday.'

2. Second, identify the benefit that was gained. i.e. 'You made sure that the business could still serve all of its customers.'

3. Third, provide the specific personal trait the person exhibited. i.e. 'You were thoughtful to give up your day off. I really appreciate it.'

# This skill works well both in writing and in speaking, and it lets the receiver know specifically what you liked. This is important, as you are likely to get that behavior again.

# People like feeling appreciated, and when you feel appreciated, you are you likely to do the behavior again.

In addition, when you feel appreciated, you are more likely to continue to talk to the compliment giver about important topics. Thus, if you are the compliment giver, you will receive more information from others. And, as they say, 'knowledge is power.'

# By providing compliments on a routine basis, you build up your cumulative rewards with others, which may be important for a future interaction.

# Research supports that married partners who maintain a 5:1 ratio of compliments to criticism are significantly more likely to have a long and happy relationship.
Note that in this instance, the compliment does not have to follow the 3-part rule, but it must be sincere.

# Compliments must be sincere and meaningful. You should not give a compliment unless you really mean it.

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You listen both cognitively and behaviorally.

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# egardless of whether you are male or female, you listen from both a cognitive and a behavioral perspective.

When you listening cognitively, you listen with your brain. This is what one typically thinks of listening, and it's the same as comprehension or making meaning. When you listen cognitively, you are the only one who knows if you understand or not.

When you listen behaviorally, you show the other person that you're listening through nonverbal and verbal ways. For example, you might nod, use a facial expression, shake your head, probe by asking a question for further information, use verbal encouragers, or confirm what you've understood.

# Take Note: When you listen cognitively, you listen so that you will understand. When you listen behaviorally, you listen to further develop the relationship.

# Another way to say it is that you listen in your head for yourself, and you listen with your body for the relationship.

# Research supports that both men and women listen equally from a cognitive perspective; however, women listen significantly more from a behavioral perspective.