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120 Cards in this Set
- Front
- Back
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Why do we form relationships- Attraction
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1. Attraction
Appearance Similarity- validating, accurate predictions, like them because they are like us Complementarity-each person's characteristics satisfy the other's needs Rewards- we seek out people who can give us rewards > or = the costs we encounter in dealing with them: rewards-costs = outcome Competency- we like people who are somewhat flawed because they remind us of ourselves Proximity- leads to liking Disclosure- learning about ways we are similar, in experiences or attitudes |
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comparison level
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minimum standard of what behavior is acceptable
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comparison level of alternatives
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comparison between the rewards one is receiving in his or her present situation and those one could expect to receive in others
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Intimacy
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emotional- sharing important information and feelings
physical- not necessarily sexual, can include races, hugs, kisses, struggles intellectual sharing- exchange of important ideas shared activities- struggling together with obstacles, living together |
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Gender and intimacy
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women place a higher value on talking about personal matters as a measure of closeness, but men are more likely to create and express closeness by doing things together- often in groups rather than in one-on-one interactions
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Limits on intimacy
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most people want four to six close, important relationships in their lives at any given time
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Relational Commitment
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involves a promise-sometimes implied and sometimes explicit- to remain in a relationship and to make that relationship successful
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Relational maintenance
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communication aimed at keeping relationships operating smoothly and satisfactorily
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Knapp's 10 stages of relational communication
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1. Initiating
2. Experimenting- small talk 3. Intensifying-trips, hangouts 4. Integrating- become social unit with routines to reinforce their identity 5. Bonding-symbolic public gestures of commitment 6. Differentiating- feelings of stress because of shared identity 7. Circumscribing- communication decreases in quantity and quality 8. Stagnating- without much feeling 9. Avoiding- expressing detachment, avoiding involvement, showing antagonism, mentally dissociate 10. Terminating- desire to dissociate |
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dialectical tensions
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conflicts that arise when two opposing or incompatible forces exist simultaneously
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Integration vs. Separation
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conflicting desires from connection and independence. Has internal and external elements.
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connection-autonomy dialectic
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we want to be close to others, but we also want to seek independence
internal: integration/separation |
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inclusion-seclusion dialectic
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struggle to reconcile a desire for involvement with the 'outside world' with the desire to live their own lives, free of what can feel like interference from others
external: integration/separation |
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Stability vs. Change
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operates both between partners and when they face others outside the relationship
internal and external elements |
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predictability-novelty dialectic
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dont want to be completely predictable, but can get bored when you know each other too well
internal: stability/change |
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conventionality-uniqueness dialectic
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trying to meet others' expectations as well as their own
external: stability/change example: trying to play the role of 'happy family' or 'perfect couple' during a time of conflict can be a burden |
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Expression vs. Privacy
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along with the drive for intimacy, we have an equally important need to maintain some space between ourselves and others
internal and external |
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openness-closedness dialectic
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internal struggle between expression and privacy
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revelation-concealment dialectic
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external manifestation of expression and privacy.
sometimes centered on a decision about how much news to share about the relationship |
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Strategies for managing dialectical tensions
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1. denial
2. disorientaion 3. alternation 4. segmentation 5. balance 6. integration 7. recalibration 8. reaffirmation |
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metacommunication
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describes messages that are used to refer to other messages. communicating about communication
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relational maintenance strategies
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positivity
openness assurances sharing tasks social networks |
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relational transgressions
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lack of commitment: failure to honor important obligations, self-serving dishonesty, unfaithfulness
distance: physical separation, psychological separation disrespect: criticism esp in front of third parties problematic emotions: jealously, unjustified suspicion, rage aggression: verbal hostility, physical violence |
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types of relationship transgressions
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minor v. major
social v. relational deliberate v. unintentional one-time v. incremental |
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what is a relationship?
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3 conditions must be satisfied:
attraction, intimacy, commitment 1. you and other must be aware of each other and take each other into account 2. there needs to be some exchange of influence 3. there needs to be some agreement about the nature of the relationship and appropriate ways of behaving |
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Characteristics of Friendships
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willingness to invest
emotional closeness acceptance trust support |
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development stage of friendships
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role-limited interaction
friendly relations moving toward friendship nascent friendships (est patterns, share feelings, thoughts, etc) stabilized friendship (assumption of continuity, integrated social circles) waning friendship repair or terminate? |
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characteristics of romantic relationships
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RR are voluntary and occur between unique individuals who assume they will be continuing parts of eac other's life
voluntary, irreplaceable, romantic and sexual feelings, considered primary and permanent |
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3 dimensions of romantic relationships
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commitment, intimacy and passion
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2 reasons why people commit
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comfort and pleasing
avoid negative consequences |
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Primary Styles of Loving
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Eros, Storge, Ludus
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Eros
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fast moving, passionate, blaze to live suddenly, intense, spontaneous, fast disclosure, fall in love fast
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Storge
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have to have friendship and compatibility, gradual, stable, even-keeled, grows out of shared values and goes, don't have as an intense passion or fiery conflicts
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Ludus
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playful, lighthearted, challenging the other person, goal is not commitment or a serious relationship
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Secondary Styles of Loving
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Pragma (Ludus and Storge)
Manic (Eros and Ludus) Agape (Eros and Storge) |
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Pragma
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practicality is foundation, but aren't unloving; secure love with definite criteria- think eharmony
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Manic
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passionate and obsessed, devise tests and games to measure commitment. goes from euphoria to despair. obsessed with relationship and ignore everything and everyone else.
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Agape
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love others without expectation of return of personal gain. Very selfless, generous and put others' happiness before their own.
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Stages of Romantic Relationships- Growth
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Individuality- checking out possibilities of moving beyond casual friendship
Invitational Communication- initial flirting Explorational Communication- checking out other possibilities Intensifying Communication- euphoria, teasing, memory prompts, comparison level and CL alt revising communication- look at relationship and what you are experiencing an revisit some issues that you are having. figure out ways to negotiate if you are going to stay in intimate bonding: make decision to stay in for long term |
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Stages of RR- Navigation
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1. maintaining commitment to keep relationship operating smoothly and efficiently. if it works wekk, youll incorporate roles and rituals
2. repairing- any statement that prevents negativity from escalating out of control 3. revitalizing- keeping the spark and excitement within the relationship |
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Stages of RR- Deterioration
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intrapsychic process: when two partners begin to feel dissatisfaction, weigh rewards and costs
dyadic breakdown in rules and routines. for women, decrease in emotional support; for men, decrease in physical activity and shared activities Social support process: seeing outside support too Grave dressing: bearing the relationship and accepting that it's over. spend time making sense of the relationship- why did it begin and end? how did it start and what have I learned? resurrection: I'm ok, I'm moving on with my life and I'm going to find someone else |
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Development of Interracial relationships
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racial awareness: being conscious of others' perspectives
coping: dealing with struggles from external pressure identity emergence: declare couple identity to yourself and others relationship maintenance: as things come up, figure out how to work through them |
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Gottman's predictors of divorce
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1. harsh startup- est negative climate
2. four horsemen- criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stone wall 3. flooding- frozen with all problems 4. body language- wait 20 mins 5. failed repair attempts- attempts to keep negativity down are not accepted 6. bad memories- when couple rewrites history to include bad memories |
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sound relationship house theory
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create shared meaning
make life dreams come true manage conflict the positive perspective turn towards instead of away share fondness and admiration build love maps |
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Communication climate
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refers to the social tone of a relationship. climate reflects how people value one another . climates are shared by everyone involved and every relationship has a unique climate
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confirming communication
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messages that convey valuing
confirming messages that say 'you matter' 'you exist' and 'you're important' |
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disconfirming communication
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signals a lack of regard
I don't care about you, you're not important to me, I don't like you |
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types of confirming messages
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recognition
acknowledgment- listening, taking another's feelings into account endorsement- not everyone gets here, highest level |
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types of disagreeing messages
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argumentativeness-presenting and defending positions on issues while attacking positions taken by others
complaining- must complain about behavior, not person because behavior can change aggressiveness-most destructive, attacking person's self-concept |
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impervious response-disconfirming
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fails to acknowledge the other person's communicative attempt, either verbally or nonverbally
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interrupting response-disconfirming
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one person begins to speak before the other is through making a point
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irrelevant response-disconfirming
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making comments totally unrelated to what the other person was just saying
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tangential response-disconfirming
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does acknowledge the other person's communication; however it is used to steer the conversation in a new direction
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impersonal response-disconfirming
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the speakers conducts a monologue filled with impersonal, intellectualized, and generalized statements. speaker never really interacts with the other on a personal level
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ambiguous response
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contains a message with more than one meaning. the words are highly abstract or have meanings private to the speaker alone
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incongruous response
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contains two messages that seem to deny or contradict each other, one at the verbal level and the other at the nonverbal level
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presenting self/face
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presenting self is the physical traits, personality characteristics, attitudes, aptitudes and all other parts of the image you want to present to the word
face-we are different faces to different people |
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face-threatening acts
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messages we perceive as challenging the image we want to project
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defensiveness
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the process of protecting our presenting self, our face
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Gibbs' elements of defensive behaviors
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evaluation- you're not making any sense. negative judgment
control- get off the phone now! sender is imposing a solution on the receiver with little regard for his or her needs or interests strategy-speaker hides ulterior motives. what are you doing Friday after work? neutrality/indifference. 'sometimes things just don't work out. that's the way it goes.' superiority- patronizing messages. 'you don't know what you're talking about' certainty-people who are positive they are right and who insist they know all the facts and need no additional information. "that will never work" |
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Gibbs' elements of supportive behaviors
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description- I don't understand the point you're trying to make. offer thoughts and feelings without judgment
problem orientation- I need to make an important call, If you give me 5 mins, I will let you know when I'm off. communicators focus on finding a solution that satisfies both their needs and those of others involved spontaneity-being honest with others rather than manipulating them. I have a piano I need to move Friday after work. Can you give me a hand? empathy- when people show that they care for the feelings of one another. 'I know you put a lot of time and effort into this project' equality- although they may have greater talent in some areas, they see others as having just as much worth. 'I'm not sure I agree' provisionalism- people may have strong opinions but are willing to acknowledge that they don't have a corner on the truth and will change their stand if something else seems more reasonable. "My guess is that you'll have problems with that approach" |
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Offering constructive criticism
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check your motives
choose a good time buffer negatives with positives (sandwich method: positive comment, issue of concern, positive comment) follow up |
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Transforming negative climates by seeking more information
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ask for specifics
guess about specifics paraphrase the speaker's ideas ask what the critic wants ask about the consequences of your behavior ask what else is wrong |
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Transforming negative climates by agreeing with the critic
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agree with the truth
agree with the odds agree in principle agree with the critic's perceptions |
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What is conflict?
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conflict is an inevitable struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from other parties in achieving their goals
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Keltner's progresssion from mild difference to fight
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mild difference
disagreement dispute campaign litigation fight |
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dysfunctional conflict
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the outcomes fall short of what is possible and have a damaging effect on the relationship
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functional conflict
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achieve the best possible outcome, even strengthening the relationship
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the process of conflict
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source (prior conditions)
beginning (frustration awareness) middle (active conflict) end (resolution) aftermath (follow up) |
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integration vs. polarization
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polarization- participants see themselves as good and the other person as bad, their actions as protective and the other's as aggressive, their behavior as open and trustworthy and the other's as sneaky and deceitful
integration- they think of the other person as a partner with whom to work. they are problem-oriented, focusing on solving the problem in a way that works for everyone instead of controlling the other person |
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cooperation vs. opposition
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opposition- if you win, I lose attitude
cooperation- brings about an answer that makes everyone happy |
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confirmation vs. disconfirmation
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disconfirmation- attacking person with whom you share the conflict by using disconfirming messages
confirmation-when partners treat each other with affection and without trying to dominate each other |
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agreement vs. coercion
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coercion- do it my way, or else attitude...money, favors, friendliness, sex, and even physical coercion
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de-escalation vs. escalation
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escalation- person you attack is likely to strike back even harder
de-escalation- in the long run the behaviors of the participants solve more problems than they create |
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focusing vs. drifting
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drifting- bringing in issues that have little or nothing to do with the original conflict
people who handle conflict well have an ability to keep focused on one subject at a time |
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foresight vs. shortsightedness
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shortsightedness can occur when disputants try to win a battle and end up losing the war
foresight helps participants pick their battles wisely |
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avoidance
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occurs when people nonassertively ignore or stay away from conflict. it can be physical or conversational. it reflects a pessimistic attitude abotu conflict
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accommodation
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occurs when we allow others to have their own way rather than asserting our own point of view. having low concern for themselves and high concern for others, resulting in lose-win, we'll do it your way outcomes
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competition
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a win-lose approach to conflict that involves high concern for self and low concern for others
competition seeks to resolve conflicts 'my way' |
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passive aggression
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occurs when a communicator expresses dissatisfaction in a disguised manner and can take the disguise of crazymaking- tactics designed to punish another person without direct confrontation
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direct aggression
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lashes out to attack the source of displeasure
9 types of direct aggression: character attacks, competence attacks, physical appearance attacks, maledictions (wishing the other bad fortune), teasing, ridicule, threats, swearing, and nonverbal emblems |
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compromise
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gives both people at least some of what they want, although both sacrifice
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collaboration
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seeks win-win solutions to conflict. it involves a high degree of concern for both self and others, with the goal of solving problems not 'my way' but 'our way'
collaborating can lead to win-win outcomes, where each person gets what he or she wants |
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win-win problem solving
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the goal is to find a solution that satisfies the needs of everyone involved. not only do the partners avoid trying to win at each others' expense, but there's also a believe that working together can provide a solution in which all reach their goals without needing to compromise
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relational conflict style
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a pattern of managing disagreements that repeats itself over time
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complementary conflict style
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partners use different but mutually reinforcing behaviors. some are destructive and others are constructive
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symmetrical conflict style
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both people use the same tactics
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parallel conflict style
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shifts between complementary and symmetrical patterns from one issue to another
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escalatory spiral
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if both partners treat each other with matching hostility, one threat and insult leads to another
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de-escalatory spiral
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satisfaction and vitality ebb from the relationship, leaving it a shell of its former self
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Management of emotions
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-be aware you are becoming angry and seek to understand why
-make a conscious decision about whether to express -select mutually aceptable time and place to discuss -plan your message, breathe, monitor nonverbal messages -avoid personal attacks, name calling, emotional overstatements -establish rapport -use self-talk |
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manage information (conflict management skills)
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-clearly describe conflict-producing event
-use 'i' language -use effective listening skills -check your understanding -be empathetic |
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conflict management in practice
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-define your needs
-share your needs with the other person -listen to the other person's needs -generate possible solutions -evaluate the possible solutions and choose the best one -implement the solution -follow up |
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nonintimate-aggressive
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partners dispute issues but without dealing with one another on an emotional level
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nonintimate-nonaggressive
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the partners avoid conflicts-and one another-instead of facing issues head-on. can be quite stable, but because the pattern of communication doesn't confront and resolve problems, the vitality and satisfaction can decline over time
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intimate-aggressive
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combines aggression and intimacy in a manner that might seem upsetting to outsiders, but it can work well in some relationships. lovers may fight like cats and dogs but they make up just as intensely.
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intimate-nonaggressive
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low amount of attacking or blaming. partners may confront one another directly or indirectly, but one way they manage to prevent issues from interfering with their relationship
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conflict rituals
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unacknowledged but very real repeating patterns of interlocking behavior
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family
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system with 2 or more interdependent people who have a common history and a present reality, and who expect to influence each other in the future
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family types
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nuclear family-mom, dad, kids
extended family-aunts, uncles, grandparents family of origin-family you were raised in, whoever you grew up living with blended family-2 adults + 1 kid together because of divorce, death, adoption, separation single-parent family-fastest growing |
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three couple types
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1. traditionals: interdependence, avoid conflict, high marital satisfaction and affection, traditional gender roles
2. independents- physically close, psychologically distant, don't avoid conflict, low satisfaction/affection 3. separates: individual freedom, conflict-avoidant, low satisfaction, affection |
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gender roles
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-masculine communication emphasizes instrumental, task-related topics and is low in expressive, emotional content
feminine communication is high in expressiveness and low in instrumentality androgyneous communication is high in both emotional and instrumental messages undifferentiated communication is low in both instrumentality and expressiveness |
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elements of family communication
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-family members are interdependent
-a family is more than the sum of its parts -families have systems within the larger system -family systems are affected by their environment |
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family communication rules
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who make speak with or to whom
how you may speak topics of conversation |
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conversation orientation
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involves the degree to which families favor an open climate of discussion of a wide array of topics
high orientation means the family interacts freely, frequently, spontaneously, without many limitations regarding topic or time spent interacting |
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conformity orientation
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refers to the degree to which family communication stresses uniformity of attitudes, values and beliefs. high-conformity families seek harmoney, conflict avoidance, interdependence, and obedience
often hierarchical conformity oriented families communicate with their children for person-influence motives and to show affection |
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enmeshed
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when cohesion is high, a family may be enmeshed, that is, suffer from too much consensus, too little independence, and a very high demand for loyalty
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disengaged
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families with too little cohesion- disconnected with limited attachment or commitment to one another
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boundaries
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limits a family sets on its members' actions
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chaotic family
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one that has erratic leadership or no leadership at all, dramatic shifts in roles, unclear roles, and impulsive decision making
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rigid family
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authoritarian leadership, strict discipline, roles that are unflexible, and unchanging rules
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effective communication in families
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-strive for closeness while respecting boundaries
-strive for a moderate level of adaptability -encourage confirming messages -deal constructively with conflict (don't sweat the small stuff, focus on manageable issues, share appreciations as well as gripes, seek win-win solutions) |
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networking
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process of deliberately meeting people and maintaining contacts to get career information, advice and leads. it satisfies one of the 'practical needs' outlined in chapter one
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formal communication
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interaction that follows officially established channels
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upward communication
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subordinates communicate with their bosses-sometimes in a way that distorts negative information and puts it in a positive light
what subordinates are doing unsolved work problems suggestions for improvement how subordinates are feeling |
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downward communication
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managers address messages to subordinates. often include
job instructions job rationale feedback |
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horizontal communication
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occurs between two people who don't have direct supervisor-subordinate relationships
task coordination sharing information conflict resolution |
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informal communication
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based on friendships, shared personal or career interests, and proximity. coworkers may have children in the same school, shared loyalty to a sports team, membership in the same church, or mutual friends
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virtual teams
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memberships transcend the boundaries of location and time, can be a very effective and satisfying way to conduct business
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organizational culture
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relatively stable, shared rules about how to behave and a set of values about what is important
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