Why do we get angry? It's actually a pretty simple answer. There is basically one reason: there's something that we want and we're not getting it. Conversely, there's something we don't want and we're getting it! It doesn't matter where the thing we want is right, or wrong; good or bad.... It just "is".
Many times we'll blame others and think or say: "You got me angry!" But, that's not true. Remember, there was something that you wanted, and that person didn't give it to you.
When you speak to someone in anger 3 things are true:
1. There's something that you want that you're not getting.
2. You're telling yourself: S(h)e SHOULD be giving that to me!
3. You're about to speak or act in a way that will virtually assure you WON'T get what you want. …show more content…
Does the person know your desire? So often, we expect people to read our minds. We think "they should know what we want! If I have to tell them, then I don't want it!"
We make an assumption others see the world the same way we do, and want the same things that we do. Then the next jump in logic is to assume that they know what we want, but they are withholding it from us for some reason!
Do you see how confusing this gets? Do you always agree with others, and have a similar view of the world? Is it rational to expect that someone who doesn't reside inside your head should be able to know that you prefer red roses to yellow carnations? Or do you leap to a new blame: "Oh, they never paid attention to what you said about red roses being your favorite flower...."
We make unhappiness for Ourselves when we have expectations about other people's behavior. We make unhappiness for OURSELVES when we project our needs onto other people, especially when we are not always clear about what we want in our own minds and hearts!
What can you do to reduce the frequency and intensity of anger?
I like the metaphor of a traffic …show more content…
Then there is the school of thought about beating an empty chair with a rolled up magazine to release your anger. That has got to be one of the worst things you can do to yourself! Most people don't realize that even "acting" angry actually has an effect on your body. It sets off the classic "fight or flight" response, which is the reason so many people are suffering from habitual stress in their lives daily! One angry incident can change your biochemistry for hours! So hitting a chair because of your unresolved anger is NOT releasing the problem, it's PRACTICING BEING angry and hurting you at the same time!
The Dalai Lama told a story about how he observed a "therapeutic" anger management group instructed to hit and yell at pillows that were supposed to be the embodiment of the person who had caused them hurt. Buddhist philosophy teaches compassion and tolerance, not beating up something to let out anger! After the anger exercise when the people announced that they felt relieved of their anger, it came as no surprise to the Dalai Lama when one of the participants in the group had an angry outburst in the parking lot. Someone had "cut him off" and he was back to expressing angry feelings even he before he had left the area! Resolved anger? Anger management:
Many times we'll blame others and think or say: "You got me angry!" But, that's not true. Remember, there was something that you wanted, and that person didn't give it to you.
When you speak to someone in anger 3 things are true:
1. There's something that you want that you're not getting.
2. You're telling yourself: S(h)e SHOULD be giving that to me!
3. You're about to speak or act in a way that will virtually assure you WON'T get what you want. …show more content…
Does the person know your desire? So often, we expect people to read our minds. We think "they should know what we want! If I have to tell them, then I don't want it!"
We make an assumption others see the world the same way we do, and want the same things that we do. Then the next jump in logic is to assume that they know what we want, but they are withholding it from us for some reason!
Do you see how confusing this gets? Do you always agree with others, and have a similar view of the world? Is it rational to expect that someone who doesn't reside inside your head should be able to know that you prefer red roses to yellow carnations? Or do you leap to a new blame: "Oh, they never paid attention to what you said about red roses being your favorite flower...."
We make unhappiness for Ourselves when we have expectations about other people's behavior. We make unhappiness for OURSELVES when we project our needs onto other people, especially when we are not always clear about what we want in our own minds and hearts!
What can you do to reduce the frequency and intensity of anger?
I like the metaphor of a traffic …show more content…
Then there is the school of thought about beating an empty chair with a rolled up magazine to release your anger. That has got to be one of the worst things you can do to yourself! Most people don't realize that even "acting" angry actually has an effect on your body. It sets off the classic "fight or flight" response, which is the reason so many people are suffering from habitual stress in their lives daily! One angry incident can change your biochemistry for hours! So hitting a chair because of your unresolved anger is NOT releasing the problem, it's PRACTICING BEING angry and hurting you at the same time!
The Dalai Lama told a story about how he observed a "therapeutic" anger management group instructed to hit and yell at pillows that were supposed to be the embodiment of the person who had caused them hurt. Buddhist philosophy teaches compassion and tolerance, not beating up something to let out anger! After the anger exercise when the people announced that they felt relieved of their anger, it came as no surprise to the Dalai Lama when one of the participants in the group had an angry outburst in the parking lot. Someone had "cut him off" and he was back to expressing angry feelings even he before he had left the area! Resolved anger? Anger management: