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29 Cards in this Set

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A. GeneralPrinciples of Maintenance


1. It is a process; NOT middle phase between formation and termination


2. Must be accomplished from start of relationship


3. Everyday, mundane communication vital to maintenance – small talk


4. Involves negotiation of “dialectic tensions” -balancing competing needs


A. Maintenance Strategies

1. Positivity– Most frequent


2. Openness– 2nd most frequent


3. Assurances– reaffirm commitment


4. Supportiveness– social support


5. Sharing Joint activities – especially for men


6. Task Sharing


7. Romance& Affection




A. Maintenance Strategies (Cont.)

8. Social Networking


9. Mediated communication – anything not face-to-face


10. Avoidance


11. Antisocial– coercive behavior; make partner jealous, or guilty (can backfire)


12. Conflict Management


13. Humor


14. Balance –keeping relationship fair and equitable

I. SocialExchange & Equity (Ch 10)

A. Principles:CL, CLalt, u

1. Principles: I. People seek to maximize their rewards (+) and minimize(-) their costs (hedonism). II. Profit = Rewards – costs (or costs/rewards)


2. CL=Comparison Level (average profit from pasts relationships)


3. CLALT=Projected profit from next best alternative·


-->If current relationship is > CL, person is satisfied. If it isn’t, they’re not·


-->If current relationship is > CLALT thenrelationship will be stable. If not, itis unstable.u

B. Fairness:Equity & Distributive Justice, “communal relationships”

1. Distributive Justice: Each person’s reward is proportional to their costs/contribution to relationship


2. Equity: Each person’s profit from relationship should be about equal


------> Based on each person’s ratio of contributions:benefits


I. Power & Control (Ch 11)


Definitions

1. Domineeringness: An individual’s attempts to exertpower/influence over another (Rogers)


2. Power: An individual’s ability to influence others to do what they want, and one’sability to resist influence by another


3. Control: Relational result of interactiveinfluence attempts or counter moves-

Bases of Power

1. Coercion: Force, hurt


2. Expertise:Knowledge, experience


3. Reward: Provide benefit or something pleasant


4. Referent:Identification, admiration


5. Legitimate: socially sanctioned by rule, law or policy ofinstitution

Endorsement of Power & Power as Relational

1. Endorsementof Power: Power over someone (control) when exercised through communication(not physical force) is only effective if endorsed by the target


2. Poweras Relational: Influence potential(power) is always vis-à-vis someone; it is never absolute, but always relativeto another’s power. Social power stemsfrom relationship between people, and control can only be assessed as aproperty of the relationship. Anyresource serving as a basis for power is only effective because others endorseit.

Relation Power moves


Reciprocal/Symmetrical



I. 1. Reciprocal/Symmetrical: (↑A ↑B; →A →B;↓A ↓B)


----- RepeatedRepicpocity of control produces symmetrical relationship


----- CompetitiveSymmetry (↑A ↑B ↑A ↑B ….) indicatespower struggle


----- EquivalentSymmetry (→A →B )may indicate equity

Relation Power moves


Compensatory/Complementary

Compensatory/Complementary: (↑↓, or ↓↑)Produces complementary control relationship; dominanceof one party in relationship

Relation Power moves


Parallel Relationships

I. Parallel Relationships: Consist of


----(A)bothreciprocal and compensatory patterns


----(B)flexiblecomplementarity where people alternate control positions, leading to equity andleadership flexibility

Deception, Lying

A. Typesof Deception

1. Lies


2. Equivocationor Evasion: Q: “Do I look fat?” ----> A: “Most people gain weight during holiday”


3. Concealment:Omission of relevant information


4. Exaggeration: overstatement, stretching truth Assistant regional manager vs assistant to the regional manager


5. Minimization:understatement “I had a couple of cookies” vs “I had a dozen cookies”

B. Motivesfor Deception

1. Partner-focused: To help the target, avoid hurting partner(often forgiven)


2. Self-focused:Protect or enhance own self-image (less likely forgiven)


3. Relationship-focused:limit harm to relationship (sometimes helps, sometimes hurts it)

A. Deceptiondetection: Research findings, Behaviors indicative of deception, truth bias

1. Research findings:


I. Most people can only detect 50% of lies


II. Indicative behaviors:


---->Speech Errors, higher pitch, hesitation


---->Anxiety Responses: blushing, shaking, gulping, sweating


----> Excessive Responses, incongruous responses, indirect responses


2. Truth Bias: People generally assume others are telling truth; lies are unexpected, often overlooked (expectancy bias)


------>People in satisfying relationships more susceptible


------>People in close relationships lie less

Conflict in Personal Relationships (Ch 13 & 14)


A. Propertiesof Interpersonal Conflict

1. As relationship becomes more independent, conflict increases


2. Conflict is sustained by moves and counter-moves; these are influenced by exerted power of parties


3. Patterns of behavior in conflicts may tend to perpetuate themselves


4. Conflict interaction is shaped by global climate; emotional states of parties and how they feel about each other


5. Conflict interaction is influenced by and in turn affects relationships: Nature of relationship and nature of conflict are mutually influential


6. Conflicts often exhibit disparities in “the punctuation and sequence of events.”


----> Punctuation: When did conflict start, what caused it?


---->We often don’t see how our behavior affects others, but we see how their behavioraffects us

A. Marital/coupleConflict


Stable & happy couples

I. Happy/Stable Couples:


------> Talk about problems w/ neutral affect


------> Maintain 5/1 ratio positive to negative


------> Personalize language use


------> Use integrative problem-solving (address specific complaint; consider both)


----->Parallel relational control pattern


----->Both symmetry AND complementary


-----> No one always in the same control position—control is shared/contingent

Dissatisfied/Distressed Couples:

----->Exhibit more negative affect behaviors


----->Interpret behavior more negatively than intended


----->Reciprocate negative behaviors


----->Engage in cross-complaint sequences


----->Control patterns: Either Escalating reciprocity (symmetry) OR


---->Rigid Compensatory (Complementary) Control patterns

A. 4Horsemen of the Apocalypse

1. Criticismvs Complaint:


---->AboutPerson vs About Behavior


---->Beginswith You… vs Begins with I…


---->Blames vs Seeks solution




2. The Four Horsemen


I. Criticism


II. Contempt: intention to insult and psychologically abuse


III. Defensiveness: Contempt leads to defensiveness;leads to escalation. Signs ofDefensiveness:


---->Denyingresponsibility


---->Makingexcuses


---->Repeatingyourself


---->Disagreeingw/ negative mind reading


IV. Stonewalling: The silent treatment

A. GeneralConflict Management Principles

1. Stick to the topic: no "gunnysacking,” “kitchen sinking,” “cross-complaining.”


2. Don’t bring other people into the conflict.


3. Own your feelings & thoughts.


4. Attack positions not people.


5. Don’t say things you don’t mean. Avoid empty relational threats.


6. If necessary, postpone conflict until your emotions cool down, but do come back. If time is spent ruminating or rehearsing may not work.

General Conflict Management Principles (Cont)

1. Avoid defensiveness & mind reading


2. Practice active listening


3. Let the other speak


4. Put yourself in the other’s shoes


5. Don’t jump to conclusions


6. Ask questions

General Conflict Management Principles (Cont)

1. Paraphrase what the other says


2. Consider other’s needs. Usually avoid all or nothing positions.


3. Try to find ways for other to “save face” (e.g., re-label a “win” as a“compromise;” allow other to shift position)


4. Don’t be afraid to apologize when wrong (but follow up w/ change).

I. Relationshipdisengagement (Ch. 15)

A. Pathways to relational endings


1. ConsciousChoice: Most common


----->2/3 of relationships are unilaterally ended (2/3 of those the wife/woman is the dumper)


----->1/3 is bilateral. However, most cite external reasons


2. Atrophy: Wither away gradually


3. Separation: Move; job transfers, school


4. Death

A. Knapp’s model of disengagement:

--->A reversal of his model of coming together (initiating, experimenting, intensifying,integrating, bonding)


1. Differentiating: Partners highlight differences


2. Circumscribing: Superficial comm., decreased breadth and depth, avoidance of issues


3. Stagnating:Stand still; comm. is tense and awkward


4. Avoiding: Physical separation & avoidance


5. Terminating: Physiological separation. Reestablish social network and new life


Disengagement Strategies


1. Unilateral& Indirect

I. Avoidance (most common)


II. Withdraw support


III. Ruses/Manipulation


IV. Pseudo De-escalation (let’s just be friends) V. Cost Escalation

1. Unilateral& Direct


Bilateral/indirect


I. Direct dump


II. Dating others (openly)


III. Justification


IV. Threats/Bullying


V. Positive tone


VI. Relationship Talk “Trick”


VII. De-escalating


BILATERAL/INDERECT=Fading Away

Bilateral & Direct

I. Blame Game


II. Negotiated Farewell


3. Strategiesalso differ on concern for other’s face.


4. Closerrelationships & those ruined by external factors usually employ more directstrategies.

A. Duck’smodel of disengagement: Not a reversal of coming together, not a linear model

1. Breakdown: Dissatisfaction, “I can’t stand this anymore”


2. IntrapsychicProcesses: In your head. --------->Socialwithdrawal


---->Rumination


---->Resentment


---->Broodingon partner’s faults and relational costs


---->“I’dbe justified in withdrawing”


3. DyadicProcesses:


---->Uncertainty


---->Anxiety


---->Hostility


---->Complaints


---->Talkabout relationships


---->Reassessmentof goals and commitment, negotiating


---->“Imean it”

Duck’s model of disengagement (CONT)

1. Social Processes: (Communication with social network)


---->Advice/support seeking


---->Giving accounts


---->Alliance building


---->“Now it’s inevitable”


2. Grave Dressing Processes:


---->Tidying up memories


---->Making relational histories


---->Stories prepared for different audiences ------>Saving face


---->“Time to get a new life”


3. Resurrection Processes:


---->Re-creating sense of own social value


----> Defining what to get out of future relationships, what to avoid


---->Preparation for different sort of relational future


---->“What I’ve learned and how things will be different”

A. Aftermathand outcomes

1. Personal Positives:


--->Relief of bad, dangerous or unhealthy relationships


--->Self confidence


2. Relational positives:


--->Learning how to communicate in a relationship


--->Not fall too quickly


3. Environmental Positives:


--->More time to concentrate on school/work


--->Rekindle friendships and social networks


4. Future Positives:


--->More clarity in knowing what you want out of partner