As you inhale the aggregate odor of your senior class for the last time, I’m sure there are many burning questions racing through your minds: “Will I find my place in the world?” If you’re lucky. “Am I really going to graduate a virgin?” Yeah, probably. “Who is that incredibly handsome young man addressing us, and how long do we have the privilege of listening to him?” Howdy, Andrew Gonzales here, and hopefully not long; I realize that your robes are making you sweat, your thongs are making you uncomfortable, and my use of the words “virgin” and “thongs” is making your parents sweaty and uncomfortable.
I’m not up here to talk about sweaty undergarments, though. I’m not even up here because of my charm and good looks. I have been
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It seems wrong though to dismiss you with desultory phrases about diseases, old TV shows, Marxist documents and disgusting fruit and cake snacks, though. So, for the rest of this speech I am going to pretend that I am in a position to give the advice you will need when we enter the quote unquote “real world” soon. In a few years, you’ll all have your very first taste of alcohol, and, who knows, maybe even a couple years later you’ll experience your first kiss. A whole magical world of delights will be opening up to you, disguised as several more years of arduous schoolwork and a lifetime in a tedious job. To make sure you don’t screw it up, I want to tell you all to be honest. I don’t necessarily mean with regards to other people; lying is an important part of any relationship. I want you to be honest with yourselves. When your cute little teenage faces and bodies curdle into ugly lumps of fat, admit it. Don’t go on Jerry Springer and whistle through the gap in your teeth that you are sexy. When your hair flies south for the winter of your life, please, please don’t grow out the sides and comb it over. Nobody will believe that you have hair.
What I’m saying may seem pessimistic, but the important part of this honesty lesson is humor. Don’t succumb to the awesome power of your baldness--laugh at it. Polish your head and strut that shiny bulb around with pride. So, you’re