What do I want to be when I grow up? Am I doing what I really want to do for the rest of my life? Is being a youth pastor my calling in life? Did I make the right choice to come to seminary? Why am I forcing myself to go to church? Why am I dragging myself to finish seminary? These were some of the questions that I struggle to answer throughout my four years in seminary. As a pastor’s child without a direction and purpose, I was pushed into attending Fuller Theological Seminary right after I finished my undergraduate degree at the University of California, San Diego at the age of 21. I was hired as a junior high pastor a week after I was accepted into the seminary at a Korean American church located in Fullerton where the senior pastor
…show more content…
It is in a Korean culture where a pastor is seen as holy and righteous. I knew that I did not belong in this category; I was being judged for every action that I took and words that I said. I started to have two separate lives like a hypocrite. I was proclaiming the word of God on the weekend when I am at the church but sinning throughout the week struggling with addiction, depression, and isolation. I learned how to put up a face looking happy and joyful at the church when I was constantly doubting and questioning what I am at church deep inside of my …show more content…
Was I enjoying the life God has given me? I learned a lot, but I learned that I want to serve God in a different way. This experience helped me to learn about the power of reflection. This experience helped me to learn that I am not a robot without feeling and follows orders without asking questions. One thing that I noticed from the past four years is that I am really good at following orders but not really good at asking how I am feeling about following orders. The experience helped me to learn that nobody can live my life for me. I am a unique creation God has made with feelings and emotions. I have the right to decide what I want to do and where I want to be. I felt free from the bondage that I had with my dad. I felt like I became an adult when I made my own decisions to resign from the church and apply to APU to pursue a master’s degree in CCSD. These events helped me to find what field I want to enter after I graduated from Fuller Seminary. I wanted to be a helper for students like me who are making detours instead of going straight to a path where they will eventually end up. If I had someone in my life who would guide me and help me to reflect on my feelings and emotions instead of telling me what to do I feel like my life would have been different. I want to be that person who can encourage and provide options for students to make the choice that can save time and
It is in a Korean culture where a pastor is seen as holy and righteous. I knew that I did not belong in this category; I was being judged for every action that I took and words that I said. I started to have two separate lives like a hypocrite. I was proclaiming the word of God on the weekend when I am at the church but sinning throughout the week struggling with addiction, depression, and isolation. I learned how to put up a face looking happy and joyful at the church when I was constantly doubting and questioning what I am at church deep inside of my …show more content…
Was I enjoying the life God has given me? I learned a lot, but I learned that I want to serve God in a different way. This experience helped me to learn about the power of reflection. This experience helped me to learn that I am not a robot without feeling and follows orders without asking questions. One thing that I noticed from the past four years is that I am really good at following orders but not really good at asking how I am feeling about following orders. The experience helped me to learn that nobody can live my life for me. I am a unique creation God has made with feelings and emotions. I have the right to decide what I want to do and where I want to be. I felt free from the bondage that I had with my dad. I felt like I became an adult when I made my own decisions to resign from the church and apply to APU to pursue a master’s degree in CCSD. These events helped me to find what field I want to enter after I graduated from Fuller Seminary. I wanted to be a helper for students like me who are making detours instead of going straight to a path where they will eventually end up. If I had someone in my life who would guide me and help me to reflect on my feelings and emotions instead of telling me what to do I feel like my life would have been different. I want to be that person who can encourage and provide options for students to make the choice that can save time and