Personal Essay: Why I Believe In My God

Someone asked me ages ago why I believed in my God. How could I trust in a higher unseen power that has no rhyme or reason? How, as a modern educated woman, I could believe in such a fairy story? And I never answered him. I couldn 't form the words to explain how my life had led me to this state.
I was born and raised Christian. My mother dragged me to church every Sunday. I knew all the hymns and I went through confirmation. But it wasn 't enough. I couldn 't trust in something, in someone that had never uttered a word to me.

Three years ago I went through some crazy shit. I blamed myself for all of it of course. And I knew that if I wasn 't such a damn chicken it would have been perfectly fine. I would have been able to go through with it and things would be better for everyone. But me, being the fuck up I am …show more content…
And we went cliff diving again. I clamber up the rocks and look down over the edge and I feel nothing but fear. Such pure unadulterated fear. I 'm going to be sick. I 'm going to cry and shit myself. Literally what is happening. I 'm chickening out again. I am the literal worst. There are people behind me. I 'm hindering others. I step to the side to let other people pass by me. I watch them one by one fling themselves into the open. And a realization comes over me. I don 't have to do this. I don 't need to throw myself out into that open air. I am safe on the rock. So I climb back down, I skin my knee and I end up with a gash across my wrist, my first and it would be the last. I slide underneath the surface of the clear water. It 's cold on my face, on the tear tracks I had not yet noticed. I hold my breath, willing myself to let go. But I don 't. My hands stay, gripping at the rocks, holding me in place until my lungs scream for air. I stay longer, opening my eyes, watching the dust and debris swish by me. And I surface. I blink away the water and find a place to sit, still mostly underwater. Just my head and shoulders peeping