Improving My Writing Style

Improved Essays
After I received my latest essay, the “Financial life lesson” I was given helpful advice on how to further improve my writing. Taking a look at the feedback, I found out that one of my weakest points was writing sentences. Often than not they were just written out poorly making them awkward to read. To prevent writing awkward sentences, make sure to proofread out loud. Doing this will ensure you to hear for any awkward sentences. Awkward sentences also come from having too many unnecessary words. Eliminate the usage of big words and word repetition and get straight to the point. These are simple methods but it was obvious enough that I did not apply these to the first essay I wrote. From my essay the sentence under criticism is “Reasoning why …show more content…
To close out an essay the final paragraph should include the thesis sentence, also make the essay feel completed, and lastly, leave an impression on the reader. From my essay the final paragraph was concluded by “This shows that money is a difficult beast to tame since it can easily overwhelm people but with the right amount of caution and steps, it can be tamed and can be a worthwhile investment to learn to ensure financial stability” (I). The flaw in the concluding paragraph is that it does not emphasize enough on the thesis nor does it give the reader a sense of completeness from the essay. To correct the conclusion, the sentence would have to be “While money is a burden at times it is essential to value and take care of the money. Learning how to prevent financial instability is something that everyone should learn because no one wants to live a life worrying if they can meet the months’ rent. The sentence now achieves a sense of ending and leaves a message on the …show more content…
This does not mean the second essay was flawless. In the second essay, the main problem of the essay was having vague pronouns. The second essay was an argumentative essay where I took a side on a topic and argued about it while providing evidence. Throughout the essay, there were many instances of where the reader is confused because of the vagueness from the pronouns. According to Writing Commons to prevent vague pronouns is achieved by replacing it with a noun or combining the two parts into a single statement (Writing Commons). An example of a vague pronoun from my second essay is when I said: “They also do not care about the civilians around these terrorist organizations, since they end up being collateral damage.” This sentence is very confusing to the reader since there is no reference to who “they” are from the sentence especially when there are two groups being talked about in the same sentence yet are referenced under “they”. The correct way for the sentence to be written out is like this “The countries who targets the terrorist leaders also have no care about civilians around the terrorist organizations since the civilians end up being collateral damage during the attacks.” Now that the sentence is rewritten, there is an understanding of who is what in the sentence instead of being called as

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