TO BILLY: No. The piece requires further development before being taken into consideration. While the idea is interesting, and the light, humorous writing style is appealing, there are many philosophical questions and treatises that the narrator brings up that come across as disjointed and disconnected. Moreover, there are a multitude of grammatical and mechanical errors throughout the piece.
First Reader’s Comments:
Specific Comments:
Pg1, P1, L2-5 - This sentence reads in a way that comes across as clunky and with poor flow, largely due to its length and circulatory use of language. As a result, I would recommend clarifying this sentence through rephrasings and potential restructurings. Also, as the event is occurring in the past tense, …show more content…
Why did you choose the word “large” to describe his parents? I feel as though a better, ‘softer’ choice of word could be utilized in this line.
Pg1, P1, L3 - Just a quick grammatical correction - there should be an article before "bowling party" - thus it would read "a bowling party" rather than "bowling party".
Pg1, P3, L5 - In order to be grammatically correct, there should not be a period puncutation mark in closing the sentence, as the exclamation mark within the quotation marks already completes the sentence. Thus, it would read "exclaiming "Vinnie!"" rather than with the period as it stands currently.
Pg2, P1, L1 - In order to connect these two sentences, and to avoid having a fragmented sentence, I would recommend joining the sentences as follows: "Unfortunately, only two faces hung on the wall: Lawrence "Lefty"....". While this correction might result in the sentence reading a bit long, I feel as though it is necessary in order to avoid fragmented sentences.
Pg2, P1, L3-4 - I like the subtle use of humor that you have incorporated into this line. It certainly adds something to the authentic and genuine tone of the narrator-nice …show more content…
I feel as though "yet" would communicate the same idea, and seems to fit the tone of the piece better, whereas "on the other hand" feels slightly pedantic, in my opinion. Nevertheless, it's all up to you!
Pg3, P1, L3 - The correct idiomatic phrasing to be used in this line in order to be grammatically correct would be "ask about my thumbs" rather than "ask after my thumbs". The phrasing "ask after" usually is used when an individual is asking about another person's well-being or health.
General Comments:
Dear author,
Thank you for submitting “Thumbthing’s Wrong” to Polyphony H.S.! For future notice, please do not include your name in submissions, as submissions to the magazine are to remain anonymous. Thank you for sharing your story in this incredible piece of writing. I was really impressed by the way that you were able to use a specific instance (the birthday party) to show the difficulties of the medical condition in a way that while being humorous, did not demean or simplify the condition. It showed its complexities through a light writing style and tone. In addition, the descriptions that you use to set up the scene have established an engrossing narrative (such as in paragraph 3 of page 2)-nice job with this! You were able to keep a good balance between use of detail and use of action in this piece of
First Reader’s Comments:
Specific Comments:
Pg1, P1, L2-5 - This sentence reads in a way that comes across as clunky and with poor flow, largely due to its length and circulatory use of language. As a result, I would recommend clarifying this sentence through rephrasings and potential restructurings. Also, as the event is occurring in the past tense, …show more content…
Why did you choose the word “large” to describe his parents? I feel as though a better, ‘softer’ choice of word could be utilized in this line.
Pg1, P1, L3 - Just a quick grammatical correction - there should be an article before "bowling party" - thus it would read "a bowling party" rather than "bowling party".
Pg1, P3, L5 - In order to be grammatically correct, there should not be a period puncutation mark in closing the sentence, as the exclamation mark within the quotation marks already completes the sentence. Thus, it would read "exclaiming "Vinnie!"" rather than with the period as it stands currently.
Pg2, P1, L1 - In order to connect these two sentences, and to avoid having a fragmented sentence, I would recommend joining the sentences as follows: "Unfortunately, only two faces hung on the wall: Lawrence "Lefty"....". While this correction might result in the sentence reading a bit long, I feel as though it is necessary in order to avoid fragmented sentences.
Pg2, P1, L3-4 - I like the subtle use of humor that you have incorporated into this line. It certainly adds something to the authentic and genuine tone of the narrator-nice …show more content…
I feel as though "yet" would communicate the same idea, and seems to fit the tone of the piece better, whereas "on the other hand" feels slightly pedantic, in my opinion. Nevertheless, it's all up to you!
Pg3, P1, L3 - The correct idiomatic phrasing to be used in this line in order to be grammatically correct would be "ask about my thumbs" rather than "ask after my thumbs". The phrasing "ask after" usually is used when an individual is asking about another person's well-being or health.
General Comments:
Dear author,
Thank you for submitting “Thumbthing’s Wrong” to Polyphony H.S.! For future notice, please do not include your name in submissions, as submissions to the magazine are to remain anonymous. Thank you for sharing your story in this incredible piece of writing. I was really impressed by the way that you were able to use a specific instance (the birthday party) to show the difficulties of the medical condition in a way that while being humorous, did not demean or simplify the condition. It showed its complexities through a light writing style and tone. In addition, the descriptions that you use to set up the scene have established an engrossing narrative (such as in paragraph 3 of page 2)-nice job with this! You were able to keep a good balance between use of detail and use of action in this piece of