The three main aspects of my paper that I found myself struggling with was coming up with a clearly stated thematic message, explaining quotes without summarizing, and clear transitions. In addition to these corrections, it was essential that I corrected the multiple grammar mistakes that were made throughout the essay.
When coming up with a new thematic message for the paper, I focused on creating a message that was reflected clearly in all of my paragraphs. My initial thematic statement was unclear and very vague. The original thematic message read “In the short story, the author portrays the beauty of empowerment through conflict, tone, and repetition and the revised message is “In the short story, the author is conveying the idea that …show more content…
In correlation with fixing my original thematic message, it was necessary that I related all of my body paragraphs back to the new message. Since my original thematic message was unclear, the first draft of my essay didn’t link my explanations back to the overall message. An example of me tying a quotes explanation back to my thematic statement is “Moody also uses positive and negative tone to show the empowerment of the boys.” In addition to this, I spent a lot of time revising my explanations so that they aren’t just summaries. One instance where I accomplished this is by saying, “Being faced with such traumatic conflicts sparked the maturity and gain in power for the boys. In addition to conflict, the tone of the short story helps the readers see that as time passes the boys start becoming more powerful.” Additionally, in regard to my examples I didn’t introduce all of my quotes in my first draft. For example, ‘To cope with their internal conflict, “[b]oys enter the house, having attempted to locate the spot in their yard where the dolls were buried, eight or nine years prior, without success; they go to their sister's room, sit by her bed”’ (242). The blue portion is the intro that I added to my revised …show more content…
Not only did I add transitions in my revised paper, I also made them clear. A great example of this is, “experiencing these external conflicts demonstrate the boys’ gaining power however, it’s also important to analyze how they deal with their internal conflicts.” This transition sentence serves to inform the reader that the paper is shifting its focus from external conflicts to internal conflicts.
Lastly, I had to fix all of my grammar mistakes, these are highlighted in green. The most common mistake I made was confusing “they’re” and “their. I also forgot to include the authors last name in my first citation. Another grammatical error I had to revise is inserting the incorrect punctuation before a quote. For instance, ‘the difficulty of this diagnosis makes the boys re-think the immature actions they’ve committed such as, “persuading their sister that she should eat the mixture”’ (240). The initial sentence had a semicolon where there is now a comma.
In my original essay all of the ideas were present, but I struggled to explain them without summarizing. My revised by paper consists mostly of sentences highlighted in blue because the explanations are what needed the most work. By altering my thematic message, explaining quotes clearly, adding transitions, and fixing grammatical errors my essay has improved
When coming up with a new thematic message for the paper, I focused on creating a message that was reflected clearly in all of my paragraphs. My initial thematic statement was unclear and very vague. The original thematic message read “In the short story, the author portrays the beauty of empowerment through conflict, tone, and repetition and the revised message is “In the short story, the author is conveying the idea that …show more content…
In correlation with fixing my original thematic message, it was necessary that I related all of my body paragraphs back to the new message. Since my original thematic message was unclear, the first draft of my essay didn’t link my explanations back to the overall message. An example of me tying a quotes explanation back to my thematic statement is “Moody also uses positive and negative tone to show the empowerment of the boys.” In addition to this, I spent a lot of time revising my explanations so that they aren’t just summaries. One instance where I accomplished this is by saying, “Being faced with such traumatic conflicts sparked the maturity and gain in power for the boys. In addition to conflict, the tone of the short story helps the readers see that as time passes the boys start becoming more powerful.” Additionally, in regard to my examples I didn’t introduce all of my quotes in my first draft. For example, ‘To cope with their internal conflict, “[b]oys enter the house, having attempted to locate the spot in their yard where the dolls were buried, eight or nine years prior, without success; they go to their sister's room, sit by her bed”’ (242). The blue portion is the intro that I added to my revised …show more content…
Not only did I add transitions in my revised paper, I also made them clear. A great example of this is, “experiencing these external conflicts demonstrate the boys’ gaining power however, it’s also important to analyze how they deal with their internal conflicts.” This transition sentence serves to inform the reader that the paper is shifting its focus from external conflicts to internal conflicts.
Lastly, I had to fix all of my grammar mistakes, these are highlighted in green. The most common mistake I made was confusing “they’re” and “their. I also forgot to include the authors last name in my first citation. Another grammatical error I had to revise is inserting the incorrect punctuation before a quote. For instance, ‘the difficulty of this diagnosis makes the boys re-think the immature actions they’ve committed such as, “persuading their sister that she should eat the mixture”’ (240). The initial sentence had a semicolon where there is now a comma.
In my original essay all of the ideas were present, but I struggled to explain them without summarizing. My revised by paper consists mostly of sentences highlighted in blue because the explanations are what needed the most work. By altering my thematic message, explaining quotes clearly, adding transitions, and fixing grammatical errors my essay has improved