A runner is kidnapped by a desperate thief, who wants revenge on her father.
STORY COMMENTS ON THE FIRST 30 PAGES
The first 30 pages of FOOL’S GOLD presents as a compelling thriller in which a female runner is abducted by a desperate thief, who appears to want to hold her for ransom after her father stole coins from him. The story is adapted from a novel.
The tone is consistent with a thriller. There are many twists and turns. The goal appears to be clear for both Claire and Benny and the stakes feel high. Claire’s life is in danger. The script explores the theme of revenge and perhaps redemption.
The first 30 pages sets up the ordinary world of the heroine Claire, as well as the ordinary world of the perpetrator Benny. It’s clear that …show more content…
In fact, in the first 10 pages, Claire goes missing from page one through page 7. Throughout the rest of the first 30 pages, Benny continues to overshadow Claire. Reconsider this given that the audience believes that Claire is the protagonist.
Also, in researching the novel, it appears that the main plotline is about Paul having to rejoin the mob that he was involved with to save Claire’s life. If this is also the plotline for this script, then the first 30 pages needs to be restructured to foreshadow this more effectively and focus more on Claire and Paul’s world. The story shouldn’t just suddenly introduce Paul’s mobster background. He mentions he was in Desert Storm, however, if his military background is going to be used, again, more foreshadowing is suggested.
The audience likes Claire and it’s easy to root for her, but as mentioned, the audience doesn’t get to know her as well because Benny overshadows her role. Consider making Claire a stronger character in the first act and focus on her relationship with her father and with Paul.
Paul is also likable, but not as well established as he could be, especially if his backstory is important to the rest of the plot. The scene between Rick and Paul may foreshadow something, but it’s not known …show more content…
He’s desperate and scary. He makes for a worthy foe.
Claire’s father, Henry Lawrence, has the potential to be complex. The first act, however, should foreshadow the father’s backstory to hint as to why he would steal the coins.
The dialogue sounds consistent with the personalities of the characters and with their values. Benny has a strong, tough voice. On page 18, however, there’s no need for him to repeat everything that happened at the beach house.
There’s nice witty banter between Paula and Claire which helps to create attraction, “Yeah, we go back as far as yesterday.” Their first meeting is nicely executed.
On a small note, clarify Claire’s age. The word “awesome” on page 8 is misspelled.
In summary, there’s a lot of strengths in the first 30 pages, but as mentioned, Benny dominates over Claire. In addition, if Paul is the hero, who rescues her, then more hints about his world should be
STORY COMMENTS ON THE FIRST 30 PAGES
The first 30 pages of FOOL’S GOLD presents as a compelling thriller in which a female runner is abducted by a desperate thief, who appears to want to hold her for ransom after her father stole coins from him. The story is adapted from a novel.
The tone is consistent with a thriller. There are many twists and turns. The goal appears to be clear for both Claire and Benny and the stakes feel high. Claire’s life is in danger. The script explores the theme of revenge and perhaps redemption.
The first 30 pages sets up the ordinary world of the heroine Claire, as well as the ordinary world of the perpetrator Benny. It’s clear that …show more content…
In fact, in the first 10 pages, Claire goes missing from page one through page 7. Throughout the rest of the first 30 pages, Benny continues to overshadow Claire. Reconsider this given that the audience believes that Claire is the protagonist.
Also, in researching the novel, it appears that the main plotline is about Paul having to rejoin the mob that he was involved with to save Claire’s life. If this is also the plotline for this script, then the first 30 pages needs to be restructured to foreshadow this more effectively and focus more on Claire and Paul’s world. The story shouldn’t just suddenly introduce Paul’s mobster background. He mentions he was in Desert Storm, however, if his military background is going to be used, again, more foreshadowing is suggested.
The audience likes Claire and it’s easy to root for her, but as mentioned, the audience doesn’t get to know her as well because Benny overshadows her role. Consider making Claire a stronger character in the first act and focus on her relationship with her father and with Paul.
Paul is also likable, but not as well established as he could be, especially if his backstory is important to the rest of the plot. The scene between Rick and Paul may foreshadow something, but it’s not known …show more content…
He’s desperate and scary. He makes for a worthy foe.
Claire’s father, Henry Lawrence, has the potential to be complex. The first act, however, should foreshadow the father’s backstory to hint as to why he would steal the coins.
The dialogue sounds consistent with the personalities of the characters and with their values. Benny has a strong, tough voice. On page 18, however, there’s no need for him to repeat everything that happened at the beach house.
There’s nice witty banter between Paula and Claire which helps to create attraction, “Yeah, we go back as far as yesterday.” Their first meeting is nicely executed.
On a small note, clarify Claire’s age. The word “awesome” on page 8 is misspelled.
In summary, there’s a lot of strengths in the first 30 pages, but as mentioned, Benny dominates over Claire. In addition, if Paul is the hero, who rescues her, then more hints about his world should be