The story opens setting the location and the eerie town. The visuals are good and the description of the town sets the tone for this thriller. One already gets the sense of being isolated.
The story quickly introduces Rhiannon and Sydney. Rhiannon is established as the main heroine. The introduction of both of them is rather ordinary. There’s nothing that stands out or makes a statement about whom they are and there’s nothing that makes the audience remember them. Try to find a way to make them standout. One way is to give Rhiannon a weakness or flaw that is established in the opening. Some fear she has that is later used in the climax.
In the first act, trim some of the dialogue. For example, on page 4, the girls sound like teenagers talking …show more content…
Avoid on the nose dialogue such as: “What’s wrong?” and “There was someone there.” (Page 16).
Mark and Elaine work as supporting characters, but the backstory about the Lost Colony gets very confusing. It’s challenging to follow. What one thinks is that there was a colony of people (timeline unknown) and that they killed the Indians that saved them, but then went on killing others, but the motivation is unclear regarding why.
Construct a backstory about the lost colony that is easier to follow and clarify why the entire town would be hiding this secret, including the grandfather.
The concept of “Preservation” is alluring and the idea of a town with inbred deformities is fascinating and spooky, but again, the backstory and motivation for their actions need to be better defined.
Also, in the first act, set up the sheriff, but give him a name. It’s too confusing to have a generic sheriff and deputy.
In addition, set up an antagonist in the first act that works against the women, but in the climax create a twist about another character that they have been interacting with, who turns out to be the main bad guy. Right now that’s Red, but Red is never liked and he always seems like a villain, so it’s not really a major
The story quickly introduces Rhiannon and Sydney. Rhiannon is established as the main heroine. The introduction of both of them is rather ordinary. There’s nothing that stands out or makes a statement about whom they are and there’s nothing that makes the audience remember them. Try to find a way to make them standout. One way is to give Rhiannon a weakness or flaw that is established in the opening. Some fear she has that is later used in the climax.
In the first act, trim some of the dialogue. For example, on page 4, the girls sound like teenagers talking …show more content…
Avoid on the nose dialogue such as: “What’s wrong?” and “There was someone there.” (Page 16).
Mark and Elaine work as supporting characters, but the backstory about the Lost Colony gets very confusing. It’s challenging to follow. What one thinks is that there was a colony of people (timeline unknown) and that they killed the Indians that saved them, but then went on killing others, but the motivation is unclear regarding why.
Construct a backstory about the lost colony that is easier to follow and clarify why the entire town would be hiding this secret, including the grandfather.
The concept of “Preservation” is alluring and the idea of a town with inbred deformities is fascinating and spooky, but again, the backstory and motivation for their actions need to be better defined.
Also, in the first act, set up the sheriff, but give him a name. It’s too confusing to have a generic sheriff and deputy.
In addition, set up an antagonist in the first act that works against the women, but in the climax create a twist about another character that they have been interacting with, who turns out to be the main bad guy. Right now that’s Red, but Red is never liked and he always seems like a villain, so it’s not really a major