I had a hard time locating your thesis in your first paragraph. While you have a lot of great points, your thesis should be concise and correspond to your other paragraphs like a roadmap. There is also not a lot of tension in your thesis, you can create this tension by pointing out a flaw in the advertisement like the absence of mothers or how the commercial never explicitly states that their products lead to being a good father. I think you summarized and described the commercial very well with sensory images. If I had not watched the commercial and just read your paper, I would have a very great image of the scenes shown. For example, "a child jumps into the open arms of his father from the edge of a swimming pool" is a great sentence that paints a picture. Another instance where you strived was in the evidence you used to support your claims. In your fifth paragraph, you made the claim that Dove was using a strategy to sell their products and you backed up the claim with effective evidence saying how "Letting the viewers make the connections between care and their products is a subtle advertising
I had a hard time locating your thesis in your first paragraph. While you have a lot of great points, your thesis should be concise and correspond to your other paragraphs like a roadmap. There is also not a lot of tension in your thesis, you can create this tension by pointing out a flaw in the advertisement like the absence of mothers or how the commercial never explicitly states that their products lead to being a good father. I think you summarized and described the commercial very well with sensory images. If I had not watched the commercial and just read your paper, I would have a very great image of the scenes shown. For example, "a child jumps into the open arms of his father from the edge of a swimming pool" is a great sentence that paints a picture. Another instance where you strived was in the evidence you used to support your claims. In your fifth paragraph, you made the claim that Dove was using a strategy to sell their products and you backed up the claim with effective evidence saying how "Letting the viewers make the connections between care and their products is a subtle advertising