Be small, don’t make waves, you are not a hurricane. Small, small, quiet now. Am I good? I don’t deserve this, no I shouldn’t, I’m not good enough- there’s a better choice out there. Cain. Able. I am Cain, she is Able. I am selfish. Rotten, wicked, hark! I am good. Guilt is my poison, engrained, planted, and tendered since I was small. The seed was sown in the everyday happenings of childhood, and circumstances later watered and coxed it to set root, and likewise, entwined with my being. I never considered myself a person of guilt until recently assessing the stories I wished to shared, and then blend in your casual encounter with my mom, and I realized I am. With this, I will go on with confidence to say my parents did not love each other.
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In fact I 've never felt more guilty, nor more alone in my life. There I was with infinite possibilities, my future is tangible, I’m making it, and I’m surviving. I could finally get away and make a home elsewhere, I could be me, free of the chains known as family. My mom plummeted into a deep depression that year. Suddenly nights where I could work on homework and study, turned into nights of console. “It’s okay mom to feel like that, no you’re not crazy, I understand, I understand.” I didn’t understand. It felt like she was doing everything in her power to self-sabotage. Every bit of advice I gave was turned sour as she did the opposite. Somehow, guilt convinced me I wasn’t doing enough, everything she faced, every bit of her broken heart was my fault. Look at me, I have opportunities. I’m going places, look mom, look. What a terrible person to have potential and to sit with a person who doesn’t see theirs… She tried to kill herself during my fall break. My sister and my dad had to trick her to get her to a hospital, they sent me inside to grab something… and took her without me. I sat alone that night, stewing in my guilt. Why hadn’t I done anything? I knew her. I was her only person. How could I think talking to her could have made a difference- look, what have you changed? …show more content…
It was crawling on our pool deck, and as I watched it, I decide I should move it into one of the bushes so a bird, or my cat, wouldn’t kill it. I grabbed a dustpan, and held it out in front of the caterpillar- who gladly climbed aboard. It had been heading for the plant to the left, but I decided to put it in the plant to the right, where the leaves matched the body of the caterpillar better. As I carried it, it remained motionless, and as I put it into the plant it remained motionless still. I sat outside for an hour, waiting for it to move. Panic and dread set in and I wondered if I had made a good choice. I grabbed the dustpan and carried it over to the plant on the left. I waited another hour. Slowly it began to awaken from the shock I’d put it through. Relief. I went outside the next day, and to my horror, it was flattened next to the plant. Guilt. Why did I even try to inflict my will on a caterpillar? Another casualty. ‘Ring around the rosies, a pocket full of posies, mince or meddle, care or not- they all fall
In fact I 've never felt more guilty, nor more alone in my life. There I was with infinite possibilities, my future is tangible, I’m making it, and I’m surviving. I could finally get away and make a home elsewhere, I could be me, free of the chains known as family. My mom plummeted into a deep depression that year. Suddenly nights where I could work on homework and study, turned into nights of console. “It’s okay mom to feel like that, no you’re not crazy, I understand, I understand.” I didn’t understand. It felt like she was doing everything in her power to self-sabotage. Every bit of advice I gave was turned sour as she did the opposite. Somehow, guilt convinced me I wasn’t doing enough, everything she faced, every bit of her broken heart was my fault. Look at me, I have opportunities. I’m going places, look mom, look. What a terrible person to have potential and to sit with a person who doesn’t see theirs… She tried to kill herself during my fall break. My sister and my dad had to trick her to get her to a hospital, they sent me inside to grab something… and took her without me. I sat alone that night, stewing in my guilt. Why hadn’t I done anything? I knew her. I was her only person. How could I think talking to her could have made a difference- look, what have you changed? …show more content…
It was crawling on our pool deck, and as I watched it, I decide I should move it into one of the bushes so a bird, or my cat, wouldn’t kill it. I grabbed a dustpan, and held it out in front of the caterpillar- who gladly climbed aboard. It had been heading for the plant to the left, but I decided to put it in the plant to the right, where the leaves matched the body of the caterpillar better. As I carried it, it remained motionless, and as I put it into the plant it remained motionless still. I sat outside for an hour, waiting for it to move. Panic and dread set in and I wondered if I had made a good choice. I grabbed the dustpan and carried it over to the plant on the left. I waited another hour. Slowly it began to awaken from the shock I’d put it through. Relief. I went outside the next day, and to my horror, it was flattened next to the plant. Guilt. Why did I even try to inflict my will on a caterpillar? Another casualty. ‘Ring around the rosies, a pocket full of posies, mince or meddle, care or not- they all fall