In the editing notes for Tobermory by Lewis Hayes, you have successfully set up your characters and location from the first few scenes. However, I have a couple of concerns with the writing (repetition, grammar, readability), format (scene breakdown style), structure (montage, scene selection, conflict), and scenes (repetition, formatting).
There is a suitable structure and the narrative flows in appropriate sequential order. The tone of your film upon initial read is engaging. Appropriate filmic drive but the writing brought down the readability. It felt rushed and it is reflected by the small errors, for example missing full stops and incorrect spelling. You do allude to the other cat causing the end of Tobermory, but a spelling mistake confuses the reader when it’s spelt car. The sentences become inelegant and force the reader to re-read them to understand the meaning. …show more content…
I feel that your writing offers more as a film treatment with elongated sentences with adjective and excess description. By eliminating the excess words, it would tighten your writing thus improving the readability. There was an over use of commas, hyphenated words, and you often repeated yourself but restating information for instance ‘reluctantly Cornelius agrees with Gordrick and accepts the invitation.’ Despite you have already informed the reader they were attending you repeat the fact by stating his acceptance of the invitation. However, there is a vast improvement in your logic making it easier to follow your film. Scene numbers would be useful in editing to refer back
There is a suitable structure and the narrative flows in appropriate sequential order. The tone of your film upon initial read is engaging. Appropriate filmic drive but the writing brought down the readability. It felt rushed and it is reflected by the small errors, for example missing full stops and incorrect spelling. You do allude to the other cat causing the end of Tobermory, but a spelling mistake confuses the reader when it’s spelt car. The sentences become inelegant and force the reader to re-read them to understand the meaning. …show more content…
I feel that your writing offers more as a film treatment with elongated sentences with adjective and excess description. By eliminating the excess words, it would tighten your writing thus improving the readability. There was an over use of commas, hyphenated words, and you often repeated yourself but restating information for instance ‘reluctantly Cornelius agrees with Gordrick and accepts the invitation.’ Despite you have already informed the reader they were attending you repeat the fact by stating his acceptance of the invitation. However, there is a vast improvement in your logic making it easier to follow your film. Scene numbers would be useful in editing to refer back