Something wasn’t right. You know that feeling when you know exactly what’s wrong but don’t want to admit it to yourself? I felt just that as I stared at my reflection in the full-length mirror on the wall in front of me. I had an entire half hour to leave the house, the extra time being a result of my careful time management, but I didn’t look right. After all, it was the bonfire- the most important event of the entire school year. If there was a time I was going to look perfect, that time should have been now, but my appearance didn’t seem to agree. I knew exactly what it was that was making me feel this way, the same thing that drove me to wear jeans every morning when it was eighty degrees out, or cross my arms over my stomach whenever I
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By the time I was thirteen, Anorexia Nervosa was the third most common chronic illness in preteen girls, and although I wasn’t affected by it, it seemed like every other model on every other magazine spread was. I was only in the seventh grade when my best friend stopped eating. Not entirely, but enough for it to really count. Every time I would ask her why, she 'd point to her legs or stomach and I remember being so confused because she looked completely fine to me. That was one of the first times I seriously contemplated a diet; if she was fat, then I must have been enormous. She would always tell me about what she would do. It started out pretty innocent; no food after seven (which was later changed to six), never eat anything sweet and always fidget because it apparently burned up to 350 calories a day. Nothing made sense to me for the longest time- she looked fine. And then it happened. She started losing weight. Everyone noticed, boys would talk to her more, she wore nicer clothes, and she could pass for happy if you ignored her dark circles and the paleness of her skin. I don’t remember exactly what drove me to do it, maybe it was how glamorous it all seemed, or maybe it was all the extra attention she started receiving, but I followed her example and set up my own rules. Looking back, I really, really didn’t know what I was getting into. Eating disorders stick with you. Don’t get me wrong, you can recover, but relapses happen at least once to about 80% of all women who have once had an eating disorder. I started out with a simple routine; spend the entire school day without eating, eat lunch when I get home and then purge, no food after that was allowed. I remember feeling like my eating disorder wasn’t valid, because I wasn’t starving half the time, I was eating and throwing it up. I don’t exaggerate when I say this, there was always a constant battle going on between my mind and body. I
By the time I was thirteen, Anorexia Nervosa was the third most common chronic illness in preteen girls, and although I wasn’t affected by it, it seemed like every other model on every other magazine spread was. I was only in the seventh grade when my best friend stopped eating. Not entirely, but enough for it to really count. Every time I would ask her why, she 'd point to her legs or stomach and I remember being so confused because she looked completely fine to me. That was one of the first times I seriously contemplated a diet; if she was fat, then I must have been enormous. She would always tell me about what she would do. It started out pretty innocent; no food after seven (which was later changed to six), never eat anything sweet and always fidget because it apparently burned up to 350 calories a day. Nothing made sense to me for the longest time- she looked fine. And then it happened. She started losing weight. Everyone noticed, boys would talk to her more, she wore nicer clothes, and she could pass for happy if you ignored her dark circles and the paleness of her skin. I don’t remember exactly what drove me to do it, maybe it was how glamorous it all seemed, or maybe it was all the extra attention she started receiving, but I followed her example and set up my own rules. Looking back, I really, really didn’t know what I was getting into. Eating disorders stick with you. Don’t get me wrong, you can recover, but relapses happen at least once to about 80% of all women who have once had an eating disorder. I started out with a simple routine; spend the entire school day without eating, eat lunch when I get home and then purge, no food after that was allowed. I remember feeling like my eating disorder wasn’t valid, because I wasn’t starving half the time, I was eating and throwing it up. I don’t exaggerate when I say this, there was always a constant battle going on between my mind and body. I