I was not surprised. My face was plastered all over the newspaper. Now, I can truly say this is the worst day of my life and not be lying. I want to get Betty McWhatzat fired, and then deported from every country except for a small remote island somewhere near the Arctic that has a tribe of frozen cannibals on it. She’s always exaggerating things. Half of her article isn’t even remotely true. I did not go crazy and punch the mayor. . . . It was the neighbour’s cat, and I wouldn’t even call it a punch; it was just a gentle toss into the dumpster. It landed on some shredded paper, so it probably won’t have brain damage. It shouldn’t have been in my house anyway. Stupid cat. That cat is just dying to burn up its nine lives. It deserved that bath
