Stoddart's Speech To My Mother

When the prospect of delivering a speech with my dear cousin Alexandra Stoddart came up, I knew it should be as studious and mature as she is. Month after month, I poured over the urban dictionary searching for the hip lingo my mother loved so much, year after year I scoured the vast plain known as Facebook for all the stories my mother would kill me if I dare bring them up again. Sarcasm aside (maybe), this speech took decades to complete- and by decades I mean the span of yesterdays lunch.

*holds up restaurant menu. the menu will be visible to the audience, the speech taped to our side*

My mother and I, we've been through alot together. From battling fearsome prey mantises in our kitchen to fleeing in terror from a giant blue cicada in