Lilly Bell Bazin was my grandmother. I love her with my entire heart and soul. She made my life have meaning those years the Lord blessed me to know her. No one would want to get on her bad side though! Grandma was a spitfire of a woman in her youth. I could write an entire book about her alone! She raised me. I owe much to Aunt Patricia and my mother Catherine, but my true love as a child was my grandma. My mother Catherine was hurt in a terrible accident at her occupation in a steel factory in New York, which caused her hospitalization for a few years. Grandma took my brother Reggie and me on as her children. We called her mamma. We thought she was our mother until Grandma explained to us later that she was not.
We experienced several circumstances …show more content…
“I’m not playin’. She is dead. She….”
I heard Aunt Patricia in the background talking.
She asked Stephanie, “Who is that on the phone? You are not supposed to tell him. Let his mamma tell him…”
I dropped the phone and I fainted I think. I do not recall much about the moments after what I found out about my most cherished Grandma. I do not recall if I cried or what my emotions were. In my mind reverberated the last words I remember Grandma uttering to me, “I want you to stay here with me.”
I remember thinking she knew she was going to die. She knew she would die if we left and I left. I am responsible for Grandma dying. I hate myself.
I was angry with God. I was angry with myself.
I remembered speaking with Grandma on one occasion and asking her to promise me that she would never die, because I would miss her so much. She never answered my request. She would just dismiss it.
I then would tell her that I hoped I died before she did because I could not stand to live without her. I do recall her saying something along the lines that I did not mean what I said; and that her dying could be the best thing to happen to me. Everything was a blur after that. Guilt filled my heart and my soul. I was 13 years old. It was December 23, 1989, the day I killed my
We experienced several circumstances …show more content…
“I’m not playin’. She is dead. She….”
I heard Aunt Patricia in the background talking.
She asked Stephanie, “Who is that on the phone? You are not supposed to tell him. Let his mamma tell him…”
I dropped the phone and I fainted I think. I do not recall much about the moments after what I found out about my most cherished Grandma. I do not recall if I cried or what my emotions were. In my mind reverberated the last words I remember Grandma uttering to me, “I want you to stay here with me.”
I remember thinking she knew she was going to die. She knew she would die if we left and I left. I am responsible for Grandma dying. I hate myself.
I was angry with God. I was angry with myself.
I remembered speaking with Grandma on one occasion and asking her to promise me that she would never die, because I would miss her so much. She never answered my request. She would just dismiss it.
I then would tell her that I hoped I died before she did because I could not stand to live without her. I do recall her saying something along the lines that I did not mean what I said; and that her dying could be the best thing to happen to me. Everything was a blur after that. Guilt filled my heart and my soul. I was 13 years old. It was December 23, 1989, the day I killed my