The script is driven by the theme of survival, healing, and bonding. The goal is clear and the stakes are high. The script uses some of the elements that make for successful thrillers, such as a contained setting, cut off from communication, unexplained sounds, darkness, and the threat of being stalked and physical harm.
With that said, the script would benefit from more development in the area of structure, …show more content…
Make sure not to make him overly crazy or melodramatic or the audience won’t take him seriously. He has COPD, but there’s seems to be no payoff for this. Either create a payoff or cut this element.
George seems to care for Amy. One doesn’t get to know him well, but he seems initially like a strong man. Thus, in the scene with Jace, it doesn’t seem realistic that his chin quivers. He’s not that type of guy.
The dialogue is another area that requires more development. Dialogue can be challenging. In the current presentation, the dialogue begins to sound repetitive. The sisters bickering and arguing becomes uninteresting. There’s also repetitive dialogue about the missing document. When the sisters are with Jace, there’s repetitive dialogue too.
Restructuring script by adding more suspects can help diminish the repetitive dialogue etc. Also, try to give the sisters more depth by elevating their voices. They, unfortunately, begin to sound childish as they bicker. This will alienate the audience. Try to avoid “on the nose” dialogue as well. Add more subtext vs. straightforward …show more content…
There’s a habit to tell or explain information in the narrative directions vs. showing it. This occurs throughout the script. It works in a novel or book, but not in a screenplay.
Basically, it’s information that can’t be “seen” by the viewing audience. Remember, the audience can only see images on a screen and they can only hear what’s in dialogue. The audience doesn’t read the descriptions. They can’t know how a character feels unless it’s visual or in dialogue. They won’t know that Amy feels emotionally caught (page 36).
Here are just a few other examples: the description of Jace provides information that audience can’t see and has to be conveyed in his actions/behaviors/dialogue etc. Avoid notes like: “Oh, no they’re not. Far from it… etc.” Notes like this are not relevant, as the audience can’t see them. On page 7, cut, “How could an attorney who has never worked in a law firm know this arena?” Again on page 25, “He tries to be compassionate to this guy he thought was nothing more than an alcoholic sex machine.” This should be