Ever since I can remember, every personalized note from a teacher, whether it be on a report card or yearbook, emphasized how much better I would do if I could just focus. If I would just follow-through, my true potential would shine. As a teenager, I rolled my eyes and allowed the commentary to roll off my back.
“Half-ass”, “lazy”, “procrastinator”, were all words thrown in my direction by my mother growing up, comparing me to my biological father whom I had yet to meet, so I had zero reference. Over the years, it became obvious to me that no matter what I tried, I wouldn’t satisfy her need for me to go all the way- either professionally or personally. It wasn’t until our relationship became estranged, and I started exploring the relationship …show more content…
I have gotten by professionally by feigning confidence, or with a “fake ‘til you make it” attitude, but I almost always feel like an impostor. It doesn’t matter how well I know a job, it only takes one negative comment to derail any personal success, and I will pick apart the comment for days. Even starting this essay, I fell into a deep cycle of self-doubt, because I knew that every sentence carried the weight of having my mother deny it. Photographic proof or other documentation be damned - her reality is the only one that has ever existed. With abuse tactics like gaslighting, my parents made it very difficult for us to follow a trustworthy narrative. My sister and I often compare notes to find we were each given completely different versions of the same story. With such inconsistency, it makes sense that adult children of Untreated BPDs can’t trust their own actions or success. As Janet Zinn says:
“A child who counts on experiences to be able to develop one 's sense of self, some kind of pattern, and it 's so erratic they can 't trust their own instincts so they constantly are questioning any actions that they take or any success that they have ... Is it real? Is it not
“Half-ass”, “lazy”, “procrastinator”, were all words thrown in my direction by my mother growing up, comparing me to my biological father whom I had yet to meet, so I had zero reference. Over the years, it became obvious to me that no matter what I tried, I wouldn’t satisfy her need for me to go all the way- either professionally or personally. It wasn’t until our relationship became estranged, and I started exploring the relationship …show more content…
I have gotten by professionally by feigning confidence, or with a “fake ‘til you make it” attitude, but I almost always feel like an impostor. It doesn’t matter how well I know a job, it only takes one negative comment to derail any personal success, and I will pick apart the comment for days. Even starting this essay, I fell into a deep cycle of self-doubt, because I knew that every sentence carried the weight of having my mother deny it. Photographic proof or other documentation be damned - her reality is the only one that has ever existed. With abuse tactics like gaslighting, my parents made it very difficult for us to follow a trustworthy narrative. My sister and I often compare notes to find we were each given completely different versions of the same story. With such inconsistency, it makes sense that adult children of Untreated BPDs can’t trust their own actions or success. As Janet Zinn says:
“A child who counts on experiences to be able to develop one 's sense of self, some kind of pattern, and it 's so erratic they can 't trust their own instincts so they constantly are questioning any actions that they take or any success that they have ... Is it real? Is it not