Instead of picking up my phone to hear a sweet hello, I get a taunting laugh. A laugh so heartbreaking it could make the happiest person cry. “I can’t believe I ever dated trash like you! HA, you think I care if you died right now? Do it.”
This taunting laugh and brutal words caused the only string holding me together to suddenly break and just like that… I lost it. It was the most hysterical crying you could imagine, the screaming sobs only interrupted by my need to draw a breath. It was a primal sound, one we 're programmed not to ignore. My mind is telling me that this heaviness in my chest won’t go away and my breaths will only get weaker. I stumbled to my mother’s medicine cabinet with trembling hands and throw back my head to down a bottle of xanax.
I wake up dissociated and confused with two nurses jabbing IV’s in my arms, my mom is sitting next to me with a look of pure horror. I survived. At that moment, I didn’t want to be waking up in a hospital bed surrounded by doctors and nurses sticking IV’s in me with the sound of heart monitors beeping. I didn’t want to be alive then. I wanted to be sandwiched between two piles of dirt, 6 feet under. I asked my mom what time it was and I was shocked to hear that it was 3am, we had been in the ER for over 6 hours. She tells me they are waiting for the next available bed for me in the psychiatric ward. I felt like a failure, I could not even successfully kill …show more content…
I think back to this day often and the second chance of life I received. How if I had succeeded I wouldn’t be able to see life through these new eyes and experience all the beautiful things I have now. I wouldn’t have found my passion for live music or my career calling in psychology. I realized that the life I was living then was not the life I was living now or would be living a month, a year or even ten years from now. I’ve learned to appreciate life and cope with my illness rather than it consuming me. I had discovered that underneath all my depression wasn’t just a weak unhappy person, I am actually much more than that, a strong