August 3 1844 It’s always raining here. It’s always raining hard in this space, this area. Not only within my mind, but always outside. Rain dragging me down. Rain soaking the wagons and begging to be let inside. It's rough to feel the rain on your cheeks, masking the tears coming down my cheeks. This happens routinely, now. I felt trapped. Chest collapsing and spilling out all because of my brothers death. I feel it growing darkIt hurts. It really, really hurts.A fever inching deeper The rain pours. A fever inching to the core I'll kick back tomorrow, Fight back at the pouring rain. I never knew a person could grieve this much. The pain drowns as I stomp gently in a puddle, screaming into the sky as the sky cries for me, cries for no
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At this point I let her think that I'm getting better, that I don't have nightmares anymore. In the beginning I used to wake up screaming with my clothes sticking to me from sweat. I love Tobin I really do, but she can't let me be gone. I don't want to turn into John. My fear used to be being alone but now it's turning into him. I'm just thankful that I have my new fa,ily with me to help me through this difficult time. Tobin told me that my mother would be proud of me but I highly doubt that, she won't ever forgive me for killing her son. I resent this trail, I resent my parents for making me go without them. They caused this to happen. If they were here maybe I wouldn't of had to kill John. John was a good guy before this trail, this trip turned him Into a hot head and me into a killer. Tobin tries to reassure me that it was self defense and that it was okay. But I don't think God will agree will her, after all I did break his commandment. We only have one more territory to go through on this trail. So far we've gone through Missouri, Kansas, Nebraska, South Dakota, Nortn Dakota and Montana. We just have to go through the Idhao territory in order to get to Oregon, i hope that I eventually learn to forgive myself for the things that I've done. Those our the things I had to do in order to stay alive.
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At this point I let her think that I'm getting better, that I don't have nightmares anymore. In the beginning I used to wake up screaming with my clothes sticking to me from sweat. I love Tobin I really do, but she can't let me be gone. I don't want to turn into John. My fear used to be being alone but now it's turning into him. I'm just thankful that I have my new fa,ily with me to help me through this difficult time. Tobin told me that my mother would be proud of me but I highly doubt that, she won't ever forgive me for killing her son. I resent this trail, I resent my parents for making me go without them. They caused this to happen. If they were here maybe I wouldn't of had to kill John. John was a good guy before this trail, this trip turned him Into a hot head and me into a killer. Tobin tries to reassure me that it was self defense and that it was okay. But I don't think God will agree will her, after all I did break his commandment. We only have one more territory to go through on this trail. So far we've gone through Missouri, Kansas, Nebraska, South Dakota, Nortn Dakota and Montana. We just have to go through the Idhao territory in order to get to Oregon, i hope that I eventually learn to forgive myself for the things that I've done. Those our the things I had to do in order to stay alive.
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