It was in kindergarten that I first came face-to-face with the inequity of good looks, and the fact that I didn’t have them. In music class, the teacher would hand out all the best instruments to the pretty girls. “Here, Clarisse, you get the triangle!” “Lisa, would you like the slide whistle?” “Jennifer, how about tickling the ivories of this priceless antique harpsichord?” And on and on it went, until it came to me. “Round-headed girl,” said the teacher. “Take these wood-blocks.” Just for the record, wood-blocks are not musical instruments. They are blocks of wood. And you call yourself a music teacher??
We moved not long after I started school, which was good, because my musical dreams had stalled. The last thing I remember about living in Tennessee was that local girl Wilma Rudolph had won the hearts of America by earning a gold medal at the Olympics, despite suffering from polio as a child. None of that mattered to me: I just thought she had the greatest name ever, because it combined one of my favorite cartoon characters, Wilma Flintstone, and Santa’s most popular mutant reindeer. By the way, somewhere around that time, Wilma (Flintstone, not Rudolph) got pregnant on TV. They didn’t actually show her getting pregnant (although I’m sure there’s a porn version on Netflix called “Bed Rock”). Before long, she was wearing prehistoric …show more content…
We were told to sit perfectly straight at our desks, hands clasped, and if you were a girl, you had to keep your knees together, because God apparently likes boys’ crotches, but not girls’. Our teacher, Sister Mary Satan, randomly chose a little girl to illustrate what would happen if you said a bad word in class. She did this by squirting dishwashing liquid into the kid’s mouth, and making her swallow it! Jesus Christ! My parents began to look like actual
We moved not long after I started school, which was good, because my musical dreams had stalled. The last thing I remember about living in Tennessee was that local girl Wilma Rudolph had won the hearts of America by earning a gold medal at the Olympics, despite suffering from polio as a child. None of that mattered to me: I just thought she had the greatest name ever, because it combined one of my favorite cartoon characters, Wilma Flintstone, and Santa’s most popular mutant reindeer. By the way, somewhere around that time, Wilma (Flintstone, not Rudolph) got pregnant on TV. They didn’t actually show her getting pregnant (although I’m sure there’s a porn version on Netflix called “Bed Rock”). Before long, she was wearing prehistoric …show more content…
We were told to sit perfectly straight at our desks, hands clasped, and if you were a girl, you had to keep your knees together, because God apparently likes boys’ crotches, but not girls’. Our teacher, Sister Mary Satan, randomly chose a little girl to illustrate what would happen if you said a bad word in class. She did this by squirting dishwashing liquid into the kid’s mouth, and making her swallow it! Jesus Christ! My parents began to look like actual