Fixing the Underrepresentation by Vickie Hale: Paragraph Revision
Original paragraph
Although there are those who disagree with women being underrepresented, some would say men are being assumed to be the most prevalent in the STEM fields, however, there may not be as big a gap as would be claimed. Some would say men are experiencing all the same negative entities that keep women from the STEM fields.
With that being said the government should offer more incentives to women to help them pursue STEM careers, women should receive equal pay and at an early age be graded toward STEM fields. These things need to happen because there is a big need to fill STEM jobs. Women make up 48 percent of the U.S. workforce, but only 24 percent of workers in STEM fields (U.S. Census Bureau, 2017).
Revised paragraph
Although many scholars believe that women are underrepresented in the STEM fields.
I argue that the government should offer incentives to women to help them pursue STEM careers, like discounts on tuition or they should be offered accelerated programs much like the programs that are …show more content…
I wanted to make what I was saying more detailed yet keep it clear for my readers. I also omitted some parts that were not needed yet in this phase of the essay. In the end, I did almost a total re-write of this paragraph as I will most likely do my whole essay because I have found better evidence and have learned how to cite better at this point. The purpose of my revision is to create a clearer paragraph that will strengthen my argument and persuade my reads to understand my side of the argument. Because I am trying to get my reads to see the need for change in the avenues that lead to STEM careers. Ultimately, I believed that this has made my essay stronger because it is easier to understand, more focused on my argument and has a better
Original paragraph
Although there are those who disagree with women being underrepresented, some would say men are being assumed to be the most prevalent in the STEM fields, however, there may not be as big a gap as would be claimed. Some would say men are experiencing all the same negative entities that keep women from the STEM fields.
With that being said the government should offer more incentives to women to help them pursue STEM careers, women should receive equal pay and at an early age be graded toward STEM fields. These things need to happen because there is a big need to fill STEM jobs. Women make up 48 percent of the U.S. workforce, but only 24 percent of workers in STEM fields (U.S. Census Bureau, 2017).
Revised paragraph
Although many scholars believe that women are underrepresented in the STEM fields.
I argue that the government should offer incentives to women to help them pursue STEM careers, like discounts on tuition or they should be offered accelerated programs much like the programs that are …show more content…
I wanted to make what I was saying more detailed yet keep it clear for my readers. I also omitted some parts that were not needed yet in this phase of the essay. In the end, I did almost a total re-write of this paragraph as I will most likely do my whole essay because I have found better evidence and have learned how to cite better at this point. The purpose of my revision is to create a clearer paragraph that will strengthen my argument and persuade my reads to understand my side of the argument. Because I am trying to get my reads to see the need for change in the avenues that lead to STEM careers. Ultimately, I believed that this has made my essay stronger because it is easier to understand, more focused on my argument and has a better