My Narrative Essay Middle School

The second essay that I revised was my Narrative essay, in this essay I first reread the whole essay. When I finished rereading the essay I went to the introduction and read it again, I then realized that my introduction lacked a good thesis and a hook, so I changed my boring introduction from “July 6, 2016, as I stumble out my house to the sound of a car horn honking only to realize it was my friends in the car impatiently waiting for me to get ready.” to “Have you ever let jealousy motivate you to do something bad? Well, I never have, and this is why. July 6, 2016, it was one of my typical summer nights; me lying in the bed on the phone with my friend Tamica waiting for someone to text me with plans.”. I made these changes because a good …show more content…
My friend who threw the party had made breakfast for the people that stayed the night.”. I changed this because the first before the revision was not true and didn’t go with the story. I also added in the sentence “During breakfast, I glance at my phone only to see two miss calls from Tamica, my heart stopped.” to add a little more background information for the upcoming events later in the story. I took out the sentence “On the way home, we grab some food from Chick-Fil-A my phone starts vibrating, I check it and it is Tamico ”I’ll call her back when I get home” then I quickly end the call.” because it was also not a true event that happened. I did not change anything in paragraphs four or five but the name Tamico to Tamica, because they were mostly dialog and that how everything happened. In my conclusion I changed I change my first sentence from “In conclusion the lesson learned here would be to not let jealous feelings or feelings, in general, be your motivation for your actions.” to, “In conclusion, the lesson to take from this story would be to not let jealous feelings motivate you to do things”, I did this to focus more on the lesson that is being told in the story. At the end of my conclusion to chose to change the sentence from “Like I was pushing her to the side for the new friends that I was hanging out with and that just wasn't that case. She was also upset over the fact that I was always going out all the time without inviting her, but instead of talking to me she let her anger and her jealousy get to her. She threw a party and did not invite me to get me back so that I would feel the same feeling that she did thinking that it would work.